Snow Day

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After having only seen mild temperatures this winter we had our first snowfall 2 days ago. The snow removal budget is about the 10th of most other large Canadian cities which ensures chaos on the roads when it does snow. Where I live it snows most years but some of those years it’s very light snow. With a limited budget the city’s game plan is to sometimes do nothing hoping that it will rain.

Being the good person that I am I’ve been shovelling a neighhour’s sidewalk because he’s old and I have good reason to believe he’s not doing so well. My true intention for telling you this is to show you how much of a better person I am than you. It’s not your fault. Some people are just better than others.

A 90-year-old in the neighbourhood phoned me this morning to ask if I would be going by the liquor store. She wanted a 1.7 litre bottle of vodka. She likes to have a cocktail before dinner, she says. I wanted to get out of the house so I took a walk to the liquor store. Upon delivery she tipped me $10 because I’m a good person. I initially refused but if it makes her feel better I’ll take it. When you’re as old as she is you can almost get anything you ask for. She told me how her doctor came to her home to give her eye drops and how a fireman came to install her fire alarm for no charge.

When people shovel their sidewalks or mow their lawns they always do a bit of the home next to them so they don’t look like a loser. It’s never an inch or 2 it has to be at least a foot into their property. There’s some people in this neighbourhood who aren’t as good as I am. They don’t shovel their sidewalk and they probably don’t deliver big bottles of alcohol to old ladies. If I don’t get in to heaven then it’s a good indication it’s all bullshit.

 

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Vancouver Real Estate Options

My old manager once told me the first house he bought in the year 1988 was priced at $88,000(Canadian dollars). In that same year he started working with the company he was earning $9 an hour doing the same job I was doing. Present day, that same job pays double but that same piece of land will cost you close to $1.5 million. To be in line with the price of real estate today the starting wage for the same position would have to be over $100 an hour.

Lesson #1: People needing a place to live is more important than a parcel delivery driver.

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This could be yours for $1,388,000 but it’s not near a waterfront

The lingering feeling was woe is me. With my saving skills I would have a house no problem back in those days. I could probably have had 2 or 3. That’s life though and it doesn’t matter hypothetically what could have been 30 years ago.

Lesson #2: Excuses will make you obsolete.

In 2013, in a suburb 30 minutes away from this 30-year-old transaction, a building of microsuites were going to be built. Not the greatest location and at 313 sq ft not initially very appealling. But for a price tag of $133,000 including taxes it wasn’t too bad considering the options available. Today they’re selling in the low $200,000 range.

Lesson #3: 313 sq ft won’t look so small when compared to a cardboard box.

 

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It could be a lot worse

I think I wimped out back in 2013. I could have made the microsuite dream happen but I talked myself out of it. I said it was too small and located in an undesirable area. If worse came to worse I could have just rented it out or sold it. There was a very big possibility though it would have sold out before I even would have had a chance to pick one up. People line up for these things, sometimes overnight.

Lesson #4: Sometimes it’s riskier to do nothing.

I’m sure there’s more lessons to be had here.

Soaking in the Saturday Sun

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14 degrees Celsius(57 degrees Fahrenheit) with mostly blue skies yesterday. The dog knows how to appreciate the simple things in life. Let’s not give her too much credit though. One of her favourite past times is to lick her own crotch. Then again, I probably would too if it weren’t for the limitations of the human vertebrae. The backbone is what keeps men chasing women.

Unfortunately, the sun showed itself on a Saturday which meant many of those employed people were able to enjoy it too. If I had a choice, I would give Monday the honours when people are at their most miserable and unavailable. To feel special you have to be part of the minority that the majority wish they were. Saturday sunshine just makes me a run of the mill loser. Monday sunshine makes me a victorious dragon slayer.

Earthquake

Last night around 11 PM I was sitting at my desk in the corner of my room when the desk and chair started shaking. The first thing I thought was that my dog was causing this but it didn’t make sense because my dog is a 8.4 pound Shih Tzu(I just weighed her). Then the blinds started shaking and I was like…holy shit, it’s an earthquake. A 4.3 magnitude quake they say, that originated on the island next to us.

It lasted about 3-4 seconds but I freaked out because it’s just more fun that way. I quickly put together a backpack of stuff in case I had to make a getaway.

  • Waterproof ski pants
  • Socks and shirt
  • Passport
  • $300 USD
  • Bic Lighter
  • Flashlight
  • Cans of Heinz beans
  • Drugs(if I’m going to die then I want to be high)

For the last 25 years they’ve been saying Vancouver is going to get the “big one” soon. I live in a region where it is supposedly supposed to sink if the big earthquake happens. I’ve had thoughts of buying an inflatable raft which I would put on the roof of my house if the disaster was imminent. Hopefully my mother will be at work as I don’t think she’ll be able to make her way up on to the roof.  It would be sad to wave goodbye to her from up top while she gets swept away by the tsunami. The dog will miss her dearly.

Luckily the big one didn’t happen and it turned out to be the equivalent of a guy jerking off to release tension so he doesn’t have to go out and do something massively stupid.

 

 

 

Recent Happenings in My Life

The best place to look down at cleavages is by standing on the upper level of a mall. You intend to only view the cleavages of adults but sometimes an underage girl will walk by and she’s just a casualty of war.

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Lately, I’ve been making soup for lunch because it allows me to make a big batch with ease. I just dump everything in a pot and let it sit on the stove top. I can make a case for it being healthy. Locally sourced pork side ribs, tomatoes and Chinese melon from my uncle’s garden and organic locally grown potatoes. Fit for a caveman. Make me big and strong.

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This is about the opposite of healthy. I live by an Asian supermarket which caters to Asians and anyone cheap. They have hot food that consists of primarily only good tasting food for a cheap price. $6.50(no tax).  They stack on the noodles and rice because it makes you feel you are getting your monies worth. I think Chinese take-out is worse than McDonald’s but I haven’t done a controlled study. If I was a bum though, I would be buying this and splitting it into two meals. Everything Chinese people have done in Western society was to trick white people into giving us their money. Sweet and sour pork didn’t really exist outside of North America. I don’t even know what Egg Foo Yong is.

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I bought a new microphone the other week. I’ve been talking shit and uploading it to youtube for no one to listen but it’s still fun. If you have no one to talk to, technology allows you to talk to yourself now and give you the small sense that someone might listen to your bullshit.

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For those of you who live in a place with a small Chinese population, here is what you would see if that wasn’t the case. What you see here is soya sauce chicken, bbq duck and some kind of gross sausages. White people love this shit. We have you under controlled with MSG.

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My cousin and I tested out a new venture of online roulette. Our strategy seemed so promising but obviously it can’t be that easy for someone to hand you over money for nothing. Some of the girls are sexy though. They are based out of Latvia and it’s live. Why go to the casino when you have one online? Another case of how the world is going completely online.

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I guess that’s it or all I can think of. What’s been happening in your life?

Unexciting Daily Happenings

Sometimes the only difference between reality TV and blogs is that no one cares about your blog.

My day started with a disgusting smoothie. My usual breakfast smoothie consists of an orange, banana, coconut oil and hemp protein powder. To make it more healthy/disgusting, I added sauerkraut, turmeric and a bunch of kale. I couldn’t finish it. I think I put too much sauerkraut but the kale was gross too.

Sauerkraut = probiotic
Turmeric = anti-inflammatory/anti-oxidant
Kale = I don’t know, because it’s green and supposed to be good for you?

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Came across this lovely image during my work day. From half a block a way I thought it might have been a yard sale. Arriving at the site made it conclusive that this was someone’s way of getting rid of their excess clutter. Someone took a big dump.

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Over the weekend I decided to do some decluttering myself. I listed this keyboard/mouse combo under the ‘free’ section of Craigslist. I had like 10 responses in the first hour. My best guess is that they ran some kind of computer retail business and were looking to resell it for money. Someone picked it up that same day. I’ve been advertising my love for 35 years and there’s still no takers. Maybe I just need to throw in a keyboard/mouse combo to sweeten the deal.

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I’ve owned this hat since 2007. I liked it because it had a Velcro type strap and the years of sun and sweat gave it a nice fade. It was brought to my attention that it looked unsanitary. I couldn’t see this myself at first but I guess I was blinded by love. I threw it in the washing machine with the rest of my laundry one day and it came out like this. At first I thought of how fashionable it looked then I put it on, looked in the mirror and realized it might need to be retired.

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Distressed

There’s a section in where I deliver parcels that has these little libraries. It’s a fairly new phenomenon. It’s such a nice part of life that it almost makes me want to puke. It makes me think of flowers, sunshine, Ned Flanders and small children pulling their small sibling in a wagon. I’m glad to see the honour system is still alive. I may put a dirty magazine in there for fun. No no I won’t do that. Maybe just the bra section from the weekly Sears flyer.

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The Kardashians may have an edge on me now but one day, Keeping up with Mr Johnson will be all the rage.

Transgender Washrooms

Since there is a rainbow logo on the WordPress site today, I feel inspired to write about a transgender issue. I think Vancouver is considered a progressive city and one of the issues around here is gender-neutral public washrooms for transgender people. In typical LGBT fashion, they have protested to have as many of these washrooms as possible in as many possible locations.

It’s a fairly common news story where some person talks about their less than pleasant experiences with identifying as a transgender person and the theme is how the rest of the world should be accommodating them. As much as I appreciate the issues that a transgender person faces, it’s difficult to justify all this attention when they make up such a small percentage of the population.

The LGBT population is estimated at around 5% in North America. My guess is that the LG makes up most of it and the B probably out numbers the T. Although they would probably have you believe that the number is much higher than 5%. So what is the percentage of transgenders? 1%? Probably less? That’s a real small population to be bending over backwards for. Let’s face it…the T’s had to band up with the LGB’s because their population is so insignificant.

I’m sure short men make up a larger population than the LGB and T population but do we get urinals and toilets catered to us? I’m 5’6″ and sometimes those public toilets are borderline too high for me to flat foot the ground. I want to straddle a urinal like all those average people. And what about the ‘little people?’ What do they do? I’ve never seen a urinal or toilet made for a midget. They have to piss in a bottle and then pour the piss down the sink. That’s only if they’re feeling nice about it. If I were a midget I’d piss in a bottle and then throw it against the wall in disgust. I guess they could ask someone to lift them up while they pee but how embarrassing is that? Do they have to bring a ladder everywhere they go in case they have to defecate?

If you have a dick then you go to the men’s washroom even if you’re wearing a dress. If you have an operation and get that dick changed to a vagina then you deserve to be able to go to the women’s washroom. If you just feel like a woman who is trapped inside a man’s body then I don’t know what to say. You’re like a slacker who wants something but doesn’t want to put in the work but feels entitlement because of our wussified world. If the dwarfs aren’t protesting then the transgenders should defecate in silence and be satisfied that their legs aren’t dangling from the toilet.