Don’t Be A Pussy

“It’s hot as fuck” is what many people are saying and thinking around here. They’re also saying, “ohhh, tomorrow is going to be even worse.”

When the weather becomes extreme I can’t help but feel relieved that I will not be delivering parcels in it. Icy conditions are far worse because there’s an element of danger and anxiety. Heavy rainfall is preferred over temperatures in the 30 degree Celsius range. It’s ironic that dry temperatures instead of rainy ones cause wet underwear.

In the winter when I woke up to snow on the ground the first thought that entered my head was that it was a good day to quit this job. By not quitting, I’m not sure if that meant I was manning up or if I was being a pussy.

“You quit because of the snow? You’re such a pussy.”

“Why are you afraid to quit your parcel delivering job? You’re such a pussy.”

“In life, you have to do what you have to do. Don’t be a pussy.”

“In life, you have to take chances. Life is too short to hate your job forever. Don’t be a pussy.”

I’m going to use the word “pussy” a lot because I know “they” are going to make it socially illegal soon to use it.

Last night around 9 PM, there was an electricity outage for roughly 2 hours. I was sitting in front of the home with Baby the dog getting hunted by mosquitoes when I decided to get in the car and drive. We did a highway run so that I could excessively speed in a safe manner while listening to Heart. On the way home we drove by the movie theatre and I was delighted to see that the parking lot was mostly full.

In the spirit of practicing gratitude, tomorrow I’m going to have a nice sushi lunch approximately the same time as my former co-workers are lifting boxes in the extreme heat. Cheers to not having to wear thick polyester shorts in the blazing sun.

Garbage 2.0

While searching for personal belongings to sell or dump I became aware of how the survivalist mentality activates. Knowing that I haven’t used an item for 10 years wasn’t sufficient enough for me to convince myself that I won’t need it one day. “You never know, maybe this, maybe that, maybe I’ll need these blank CDs one day to ward off evil spirits.”

I dug up stacks of used and unused blank CDs, some of them from 15 years ago that contain files of photos or pirated software. There was a big box of DVDs, Blu-rays and CDs that I forgot I even had. There’s some good titles but I wouldn’t bet that I’ll ever be dying to play any of them. At least half of my clothing could be donated but I like that logo on that shirt, and that one too. Basically, I’m trying to get myself in a position where if I was forced to live in a van I would be able to fit all of my belongings in there. Perhaps there’s some foreshadowing happening here.

Also in the bag of unwanted items is a 1st generation webcam. It crossed my mind that maybe one day it’ll be a collectors item but it also crosses my mind that if I buy a lottery ticket I might win. The last time I used that webcam was in 2007.

Other items nearing the usefulness of a rotary telephone:

-16 GB USB 1.0 drive
-720p webcam
-2.4 GHZ wifi booster
-Sony 2 GB digital music player

They seemed like a cool idea at the time but not quite. It was a gift from my former employer for having nerd attendance or maybe it was my 5 year anniversary. I used them for like an hour in total. I don’t think I could even give these away.

My last home cleanse was 10 years ago when I also had a big box of DVDs which I donated to the library. The manager there was delighted with my donation. “There’s some great titles here. Think of us again please,” he said. I told him DVDs were going to be obsolete soon but he disagreed. If I brought the same box of DVDs in today he’d probably tell me to screw off and direct me to the garbage bin.

One of the used crystal ashtrays I recently bought is parked on my bedside. In my imaginary life the first thing I do when I wake is light up a cigarette to help me brace for the long day ahead at the factory. As I slowly smoke my cigarette hoping the seconds on the clock follow my pace, I remember that I forgot to pack my lunch. “Darn it,” I think to myself. Now I’ll be 5 minutes behind my regular schedule. Oh well, I won’t scrape the ice off the rear windows of the Pontiac..it should be okay. Oh my, life.

Filossophy

There was a piece of dental floss stuck between my molars for 2 days that found its way out today. Of course I had to smell it and I guess of course it freaking reeked. It had been marinating in bacteria with the help of acidic saliva. It stunk so badly that I had to smell it multiple times. I suppose it’s similar to having a cotton ball stuck up your ass for 2 days — it’s going to stink really bad. The first thing I did after was brush my teeth and then rinsed with mouthwash. The second thing I did was walk to the supermarket to buy another bottle of mouthwash as I intend to use it regularly again.

The manager at the volunteer office emailed me today to inform me that I have reached 1000 hours of community service. Let’s see Jesus deny me entry through the pearly gates once I show him my credentials. I don’t think he can.

My recent behaviour is leading me to believe that I might give up on life sooner rather than later. There’s been an increase in consumption of microwavable frozen meals. At least with fast food I would have to make a trip and expend calories each time I wanted food. With MFMs I can stockpile them until the zombies come home and never have to venture out into the dangerous world for fuel for weeks. To add to this trend I have been contemplating supplementing with meal replacement drinks which don’t even need to be microwaved or chewed. What’s stopping me is that I don’t like the price for a 6-pack of Boost or Ensure. I believe it would be much cheaper if I just drink a glass of milk with a multi-vitamin.

Lately, I’ve been working but not working hard, on trying to not be such an ungrateful son of a bitch. People typically believe that they will be happy forever once they get what they think they want. In many unfortunate cases, people achieve their ‘dream’ by unknowingly signing their life away to a temporary high. Nothing will make you happy forever but many things can make you miserable forever. Hopefully, you like some of what you have, and if you don’t, hopefully you have a way out.

I like the following comment from a YouTube video:

I’m near their age. I’m 81 years old. One thing that brings you happiness in old age that is hard for a young person to understand, is however my life has played out, I got the chance. By the time you’re 81, you know dozens of people that died much younger, in their 30’s and 40’s and 50’s from accidents, suicide, rare diseases, you name it. So just by being alive still, my heart fills with gratefulness that I got at least 81 years to experience life. When I was young, I would have thought that sounded pathetic, to be so easily made happy that waking up and having chats, or reading the paper, or walking outside would fill me with joy. When you’re young, that’s never enough. You feel like you need to leave your mark and make a big name for yourself. But a funny thing happens as you age. You live long enough to see some people you know become big shots, became rich or famous in some way, but most aren’t made much happier by it, and some become lost when the notoriety fades. And then loving life for the small things starts to shift from feeling pathetic and small, to feeling wise and full. In fact, if life has taught me anything, it’s that the reason we’re here is to be present with the priviledge of each moment, as much as possible. Thinking about your goals tomorrow matter of course, and cherishing yesterday’s memories. But more than anything, I think what has kept me healthy and happy is appreciating the priviledge of each moment. When you’re a little kid, that’s how you think. You appreciate recess at school, or going down a sliding board, or a walk through the woods. DON’T LOSE THAT. That, whatever that is, is the reason we’re here. Being connected to small moments so strongly that they feel large. If you can do that well, you can enjoy being 80 as much as 40 or 20.

So, if there is an absence of a good reason to hate your life then don’t hate your life. If your life could easily be much worse then be thankful. Today may be as good as it gets. Something to remember when your mind starts spiraling towards negativity for no useful reason.

Friday Defeat

After eating a chocolate bar for dinner while laying in bed, I felt like such a loser I had to write about it. My previous meal to that was microwavable frozen macaroni & cheese. I just referred to the chocolate bar as a meal. I’m withholding additional information because I’m too embarrassed to reveal it publicly. My only redeeming action today was that I took Baby the dog to see an old lady who adores her. Baby doesn’t much like the elderly because they have dry and shaky hands.

While eating dinner in bed tonight, I was scrolling through this woman’s Twitter feed. She’s often griping about everything including her self-proclaimed shitty life. She’s in her 30s and poor. The future of this world could have a lot of her type roaming around. She hates capitalism and every 10 days or so she’ll ask strangers on Twitter for money.

“buy me a drink?”

“want to buy me breakfast?”

“I ran out of money. Anything would help.”

Every now and then I check out her Twitter feed mostly because it makes me feel better about my life. I’m less embarrassed to admit to this than the Doritos I ate after the macaroni & cheese. It may appear low of me to get good feelings from the misfortunes of others but it’s just another form of practicing gratitude. I wouldn’t get as much pleasure from this though if she wasn’t such a miserable human being who also blocked me on Twitter.

After seeing the many tweets from many Twitter users regarding not having money, I have concluded some thoughts:

  • Don’t not have money
  • If you don’t have money then you’re going to have to cut costs regardless of what you believe you’re entitled to

If you live in a developed country then chances are you have the opportunity to earn more than enough money. Often, it’s a matter of if your want for more money exceeds your desire for your present comfort. It’s a free country, you get to choose.

It’s been over 5 years since I quit my most recent full-time employment. Since then I could have studied and worked to be a certified plumber, as an example. You, also, could be a certified plumber who could charge someone almost anything when they take a giant shit and clog their toilet. “I bet you like taking shits. I’d bet even more that you would pay a lot of money to be able to do it again.” That’s how impolite you can be when you’re a plumber. “Pay me or forever hold your shit.”

Much of the woes that non-old people feel from their financial hardships are attributed to seeing the elders in their family spank the monkey their whole lives and be able to live a comfortable existence with a pension in the end. Life was really hard for a long time and then fairly easy and now not as easy. People have difficulties adjusting on the way down. So anyone want to buy me a chocolate bar?

Disclosure: The author owns shares of Twitter and laziness. The author may have also laid in bed for 3 hours after waking up in the morning.

Shots & Bears

In previous Canadian generations, people were forced to fight wars and risk getting their balls blown away. The closest resemblance to war for myself has been having to wear a mask for a year and getting a vaccine shot not in my balls. The morning of my vaccine shot appointment I woke up with a sore right shoulder. That same day I retired with a sore left deltoid from the shot. Sleeping has been slightly more difficult. Woe is me. Do you feel sorry for me yet? This is what trench foot must have felt like. Maybe in 20 years people will wear poppies on their deltoid to give thanks for our sacrifices.

Immediately after my vaccine shot they put a small bandage on me which reminded me today of how Uncle Bill thought bandages were for pussies. He didn’t use that terminology but it must have been what he thought since he always advised me to not wear one. “If you wear one of those the wound won’t scab up.” I took the bandage off today to find there wasn’t even a dot of blood.

With cameras everywhere anyone of us can get our 15 seconds of fame. If you wear a bear costume and steal parcels off of people’s doorstep, you’re almost guaranteed to get on the news. If you don’t want to be a thief in a bear costume then you can take a shit on people’s doorstep instead. If it’s not illegal to wear a bear costume in public then what’s stopping any of us from wearing one every day? If I had an employer and a bear costume, I would wear it to work and say to my manager, “if he can wear a dress and she can wear makeup then why can’t I wear my bear costume?” They’ll pause because they’re afraid of a lawsuit and bad publicity. They’ll call their legal department to confirm if wearing a bear costume violates any contract that I signed but they’ll be lost with the definition of “inappropriate.” Does my bear costume offend anyone? Probably not. It’s unorthodox but so was Marvin’s dress 5 years ago. I identify as a bear so go F yourself. They’ll be lucky if I even speak at all because on most occasions I’ll just roar.

Thrifty Conquests

If there is a duty to be fulfilled I will gladly get out of bed in the morning without any resistance. Much can be done while laying in bed with a smartphone including phoning stores to inquire about peanut brittle. My second call proved successful with the clerk at the chocolate factory answering enthusiastically, “yes, we do.” So I drove the 20 minutes to pick up 2 lbs of peanut brittle made on-site. Goddamn is this stuff good. I bought 4 bags to give some away to friends that I don’t have which means I bought them all for myself. I could gift them to some people in the neighbourhood but I don’t want them thinking that I like them or that I want us to be friendlier to each other.

On my way home I stopped by a thrift store to look for crystal ashtrays. I didn’t want to add to my collection. I just wanted to know that they didn’t have any available or that it wasn’t cheaper or better than the ones I bought. I’m a neurotic son of a bitch. While I was there I had a glance for something similar to my childhood milk glass. God was on my side twice today.

You wouldn’t believe what I also came across at the thrift store. I recognized a wedding favour from a wedding I attended over a decade ago. It was a shot glass with the name of the bride & groom with the year on it. Why wouldn’t someone keep a shot glass? It’s small and has utility. Does that attendee now detest the married couple? Did they die and have their belongings donated? Did this attendee pick up the shot glass and say, “meh, fuck em.”?

In other food news, I ate pork rinds for the first time yesterday and if I had to categorize them under “gross” or “not gross” I would put them under the former. They’re dry and gross which would go well with beer. If I had to guess they’re something poverty stricken American southerners eat. They’d go well with some sauce but you can say that about dog shit too. As unpalatable as they are I can eat them because I’m used to eating gross shit. The one thing pork rinds have going for them as a snack is that they’re super low on carbohydrates but so is dog shit.

Watching the El Chapo series on Netflix makes me feel like a pussy. These guys walk around life risking everything including having their eyeballs taken out and I think twice of jaywalking on a sunny day. It must be such an incredible feeling to go for it all while not giving a shit about your life. Sometimes the fewer options you believe you have the more freeing life is regardless of how poor the options might be. In our comfortable civilization, people voluntarily shackle themselves to safety only to sacrifice life. They tell themselves that they “made it” when in reality they made nothing.

New and Used Shopping

At the time of writing there is a premium meat pie in the toaster oven waiting for my attention. I had just been sitting around having trouble deciding what I wanted to eat in a world where you can have anything you want. This state of mind is similar to having difficulty deciding what to watch on Netflix, Amazon Prime Video, or YouTube. “I don’t know what I want to watch,” in a whiny voice is thought by millions every second of the day.

My money tree has grown out of its original planter and needed an upgrade. Planters are expensive. They’re expensive enough that they’re worth stealing from someone else’s property. Even on Craiglist it is troublesome finding one that is cheap and close enough that you’ll ignore its flaws. So I reluctantly bought brand new.

Planter: $20
Plant Stand: $20
Soil: $8

Leaving the tag in case I want to return it in 3 years for a store credit

Today I met up with a Craigslist seller to look at ashtrays. I seldomly smoke cigarettes but maybe I will have guests that will. Or maybe I just wanted to buy an ashtray for I’m nostalgic for the 1980s where an ashtray could be found on every table of the home next to a rotary telephone. “Hello? Marvin, it’s for you!”

“Coming!”

I’m so nostalgic that I bought 3 for $10 each. The seller said they’re made of crystal, brand new and made in Germany but I’m not convinced. Before meeting up with a Craigslist seller I always ask myself would I still be interested if anything that could be a lie is a lie. Who even smokes cigarettes in the home anymore? I was thinking of who I could give an ashtray to for a gift but as I scanned the neighbourhood in my head there weren’t many eligible possibilities because hardly anyone smokes cigarettes. People have pussied out by engaging in vices where no one can see or smell them like taking painkillers and eating too much cornbread.

My plan for the night is to continue watching El Chapo on Netflix. It’s similar to Narcos and every other drug cartel story where the main character is an ugly Mexican or Colombian who is engulfed in a world of betrayal and bribes. I’m a sucker for shows based on a true a story no matter how loosely based on a true story.

This blog post is brought to you by needing a distraction while I wait for my $10 frozen pie to be heated.

Pies, Birds, LSD, Life

On Friday I typed a letter to my neighbourhood supermarket.

“Up until some point in the year 2020, this store prepared their ready-to-eat chicken pot pies with a crust all around the filling. This does not appear to be the case now as there is only a crust on the top of the pie. I believe with a crust only on the top should disqualify this item as being labelled a pie. This is now like a sandwich with only one slice of bread. How disappointing would that be? You would have to eat your one-breaded sandwich like a pizza. Also, the pies are now 10% more expensive. I’m paying more money for a lower quality item. I highly doubt that I’m the only person who is disappointed with your crustless-bottomed pies. Is there any chance that you will revert to the previous recipe?”

Today I received an unhelpful canned response but I didn’t expect anything more. Will I have a talk with the store manager about my disappointment? I don’t know. If I do, my actions will resemble that of a typical public protester who is protesting mostly because they have no life and nothing to lose. I believe though, if a group of us make a big enough stink about the pot pies then they will to something.

Two years ago I bought a hummingbird feeder which I did not put to use until last week. My best reason for procrastinating is that I had no sugar in the home. There was a tweet I came across recently:

“When you procrastinate you pass the buck to your future self. The problem is your future self tends to act a lot like you.”

To my delight, I have seen a hummingbird stop by to have a drink.

Procurement of a tab of LSD was successful. The last time I did LSD was in 1995. I highly doubt it will be a similar experience since I’m not the ignorant and oblivious teenager I used to be. Someone well into their adult years can carry a substantial load of anxiety and melancholy. I’ll probably do half the tab and see how it goes.

The oddity of life on an individual basis is that the most important aspect is how we feel. Everyone can view our life as relatively or absolutely good but we have a natural ability to complicate how we feel with our perceived unique experiences which may not have satisfied us in the manner in which we would have liked. The ego may be to blame for this as well as the knowledge of our finite existence. Within our limited time there are finite stages which we believe should be lived accordingly to our beliefs. The feeling of failure in any stage often results in negative feelings that can carry on to the next one. Failure in consecutive stages is often devastating. Your movie thus far is a tragic comedy at best made for other people’s pleasure. It would appear that some people are able to alter their feelings to align with a rosier preferred view but in all likelihood they too are suffering but on a different path. Whether or not people resolve their issues before the lights go out is debatable since a method of measurement does not exist. Regardless of how one feels in the end; life does not care. Life will say, “thank you for your service” or “good riddance.” If you can feel good no matter the circumstances then you have successfully stuck it to life.

Growth

Some guy at the park mentioned that he wanted to grow a marijuana plant which inspired me to want to grow a marijuana plant. I went and bought a 4-pack of seeds, potting mix and then while I put it all together I decided that I might as well start some tomato and cilantro plants. This experience is another lesson in how things can happen if you just start. I don’t have much of a clue on how to grow cannabis plants but I have a feeling that some people make it sound more difficult than it really has to be. I had cilantro plants grow on my lawn by literally throwing seeds there and allowing nature to do the rest.

This guy at the park is 54 years old and is likely getting an early retirement package from his boomer job due to the ramifications of COVID. He’s at that age now where he’s been with the company for an eternity which has resulted in him being old and overpaid. Before COVID, he was planning on working a few more years but since having a year off of work he has come to realize he was on a treadmill. Humans have a tendency to remain in their routine if the idea of changing it brings fear. The treadmill you know is better than the devil you don’t. Again, that might have been Confucius who said that or maybe his understudy.

As for me, I have a tendency to put myself in precarious situations with stocks when I do not necessarily have to. Two months ago I had ample supplies and was on a hill high enough so that any flood would not even touch my feet. I’m still sitting on top of the hill but I have eaten all of my food and the water has been rising. I’m safe but I don’t like wet feet and especially do not like wet underwear. Wet clothing dries but you’re limited with what you want to do when wearing wet socks undies. If things get bad I may have to eat my own regurgitation for awhile.

My young friend at the liquor store will be working his last day there this week. Last time I met with him I discovered that he’s very into psychedelics. My first pressing question to him was, “so can you get me some LSD?” He believes psychedelics are responsible for positively changing his life. I’m going to really miss having him so nearby because I truly enjoyed dropping by to talk to him. The conversations I would have with my former high school friends who are almost twice his age aren’t even half as stimulating. I suppose it’s because he’s curious about life and not closed off to new ideas. The general population does not want to explore ideas that do not align with their comfort zone. They’re afraid everything they believe which frames their lives might collapse under the slightest pressure.

Food

Last night, like a nerd, I was watching the replay of the Berkshire Hathaway annual meeting and one of the old guys was eating peanut brittle. I’m not very aware of what peanut brittle is but it strikes me as something all old white people know about like crumpets and sarsaparillas. I’m going to buy peanut brittle tomorrow is what I thought at that moment. At the mall today, the woman at the chocolate shop said peanut brittle is a seasonal item. Godiva is no longer operating there since covid happened but peanut brittle is probably too untrendy for them anyway. When brick & mortar lets you down then you must resort to the internet. Amazon sells peanut brittle but at roughly $30 CAD/lb. I may try it for shits & giggles. If you have stories of your grandfather and peanut brittle, please comment below.

My province has been in a lockdown for a month which means no indoor dining. These lockdowns have been saving me money. If I do takeout I go to McDonald’s because they offer me specials on their app. $2 Big Macs or go fist yourself. I’ve been using disposable gloves to eat my Big Macs so that I don’t get grease and sauce all over my hands. I probably look weird but I’m quite sure that I’m brilliant and people will follow my lead. Along the journey of greatness you have to be able to walk alone while everyone walks away from you.

There was a day last week when I made homemade macaroni & cheese which I ate all of it that same day. Also on that same day I had a Mcflurry fake ice cream from McDonald’s. Also on that same day I almost shit my pants 1 hour after the Mcflurry. I had to abruptly leave a conversation with the clerk working at the nearby liquor store. A wise person once said, “when one thinks they might shit themselves, nothing else in the world matters.” I think it was Confucius who said that. It’s not very economical to make your own macaroni & cheese vs the frozen type especially if you end up shitting yourself after. What do you do with underwear drenched in diarrhea anyway? Do you wash them in the bathtub and make 3rd world drinking water or do you put them in a bag and dispose of them in a public trash can? Does someone you know see you and ask, “hey, what do you got in there?” Do you say, “I shit myself just now so I’m throwing away the underwear.” “Oh,” they say. Does that person ever look at you the same again?

Scenario #2: That someone asks you what you have in the bag and you suspiciously say “nothing.” They don’t quite believe you so they come back later to the scene of the crime and dig up that bag to find your poo laden underwear. Joke is on them.

The quality of cheese is the most crucial ingredient

Disclaimer: The author is long Berkshire Hathaway, Amazon and McDonald’s shares at the time of this writing.