Where’s My Can Opener?

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In the year 2009 I went to the local big-box supermarket to buy a can opener. The only one that they had was more money than I wanted to pay but it was the only one in stock. The urgent necessity of a can opener trumped my penchant for being cheap. Some months or years later I discovered it was ‘Made in USA.’ I thought that was cool and it strengthened my liking for it.

I can’t find that thing now! Even worse, it can’t be found anywhere now because in 2008 they moved operations to China just before I bought mine which means I likely bought one from the last Made in USA batch. C’mon Donald Trump, bring back the can opener jobs.

Whether or not the ones made in China are much worse or not is uncertain but people have a liking for products made in a developed country. It makes them feel good even if the product is of poor quality. There was a used Made in USA Swing-a-way listed on Craigslist 2 days ago for $5 and now it’s gone. Somewhere out there is someone just like me which means I have competition.

When I was a kid we had 2 can openers. One was electric and the other was some manual piece of shit that barely got the job done. The electric worked fine but they take up space and unless if you have arthritis or are opening multiple cans a day it’s not worth it. Everywhere I lived after that were homes with crappy can openers. Poor immigrants tend to have this mentality of not spending any money for something they already have that kind of works. No one in the home ever thought how the can opener sucks and you can just buy a new one for $10.

There’s a spinoff Made in USA can opener which cannot be found here in Canada but is available through Amazon. There’s been rumours of counterfeits but the seller has me checkmated. I ordered one so we’ll see how it goes.

“The John J. Steuby Company made parts for the Swing-A-Way, and when Swing-A-Way was sold, the company started creating its own can openers: the EZ-Duz-It…”

Luckily, my obsessions tend to be inexpensive.

 

 

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Today is Sunday

My throat has the beginnings of a virus forming. You know, it starts off with a little itch and progressively gets worse every couple of hours. Last night after using the vaporizer for my marijuana therapy my throat was dry but I didn’t get that glass of water that I knew I should have. Oh it will be okay. That type of thinking almost always leads to something not being okay. ‘It’s okay’ is what you tell yourself for short term comfort knowing very well it’s not okay.

Today’s piano lesson was shit. I had 3 weeks off and I now I’m worse. My punishment is $37.50 for the exact same lesson I had 3 weeks ago because I haven’t progressed enough. Charging for piano lessons is like selling gym memberships. After a while people won’t try as hard but will continue to pay the same amount. A good business is one that caters to people’s best intentions then locks them in and has their clients falter like they were statistically going to since recorded history. People are degenerate gamblers in some form. They think they are special and will beat the odds.

Here I am at the cafe to redeem myself by reading a book. Three Asian students sitting separately all have complicated looking mathematical equations in front of them and graphs that are displaying something. Maybe the inverse relation of gravity minus pythagoras multiplied by the square root of the speed of light. Anyone spending their Sunday engaged in such an activity is desperately working towards not being a loser.

To be an Asian in a developed country without a university degree is appalling. You don’t bullshit well enough and aren’t tall enough to get by in life by slacking off. You’ll be first in line to be culled by artificial intelligence.

If I had a job to go to tomorrow I’d be excited at the prospect of being genuinely sick so that I could call in sick without the guilt. Certain feelings will hold you back in life. Guilt has been one of them for me. Fake it until you make it and then for good measure keep faking it. People are usually too polite to call you out on your bullshit.

1 AM at the Casino

My degenerate gambler friend is at negative $400. My free entertainment is watching him lose. He just swore to give up gambling. You nkoe how that goes.

A multitude of white cougars came out of a show tonight, “The Thunder from Down Under.” I think it’s a show with Australians stripping.

Two young white girls waved at us which means they’re basically hookers looking for free drinks, cocaine and possibly sex for money. We didn’t bite. If they tried a little harder it may have been a different story.

I’m pretty intoxicated. Hangover is likely tomorrow. Promise people bad odds and they’ll cater to you in exchange for entertainment. We live for entertainment. Netflix, dining out, YouTube, Donald Trump. GIVE ME MORE.

5 minute post at the casino. Thank you. Thank you very much.

WordPress Graveyard

If you’re on WordPress long enough it’s inevitable that someone you follow will pass away. It happened a few months ago and again today. There may have been others who died but didn’t get the chance to have a final post published with their writing or from someone they know.

I’m not sure if I prefer to know of their deaths or not. Without any last words I would assume they just stopped blogging and wouldn’t think much of it again. A death notice is always an interesting read but also sad.

If it was me who was in his last days I wouldn’t be able to help myself. You don’t get another opportunity to write and publish a post in such a mindset.

Frieday, Dec 1st, 2017

Ikea has a cafeteria style food court to lure you in hoping that you’ll take a stroll around their maze and end up buying something. The woman in front of me asked for french fries instead of mash potatoes.

“Can I get a few more fries?”

Assertive, are we?

A new batch of fries came right after her request.

“Can you give me the new fries instead?”

I’m using a question mark but it wasn’t really a question. The Ikea staff member obliged and dumped her fries back to give her the fresh ones. The balls on this woman. She probably complains at McDonald’s when the English muffin on her McMuffin isn’t perfectly aligned with the poached egg. I hope she’s no one’s girlfriend. Maybe she’s just a woman who knows what she wants? Or maybe she’s a cuntosaurus.

I bought a bottle of wine today for the first time in a long time. There was a prawn & salmon concoction in the fridge. It was delicious.

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The above picture is my attempt at appearing as a happy individual. How can someone eating prawns & salmon doused in garlic butter be discontent? The internet is showtime. A platform that allows for mere snippets of what one will allow others to see. How often do you see a picture of someone miserable at work or a video of someone waking up to an alarm clock at some ungodly hour?

The dog decided to take a shit in close proximity to where I was sitting. It may be a fool’s errand to ponder the precise reasons why she would do such a thing but if I had to guess it’s because she knows it’s pissing rain outside. Another possibility is that she wants to see how much she can get away with.

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Taken moments after the dumpage

On the 6 o’clock news one of the top stories was how the LGBTQIAAWKRP in Vancouver wants to ban uniformed police officers in the next pride parade. I find this to be aligned with the tactic of my dog taking a shit 2 feet away from me to see how much she can get away with.

Louis C.K. has been disgraced by his masturbation shenanigans. I realize it’s a serious issue but I can’t help but giggle because it’s Louis C.K. performing some obscene act. Donald Trump must be feeling superior with the small amount of backlash that he received with his “grab them by the pussy” comment.  Even the dirty standup comedians will not joke about the Louis C.K. situation. They’re too scared to ruin their careers.

When you’re buzzed on the internet there’s a high possibility that you will purchase something foolish.

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Unlikely Sources of Enlightenment

It’s easy to fall into negativity because it’s a survival mechanism. Having ambitions way past your current situation triggers a danger response. In the background there’s always a silent voice coercing you into doing the thing that has been known to get people by. You become your environment and the common environment is not very inspiring. If anything it’s depressing.

There’s inspirational/motivational/rational speeches and videos that are part of my routine although not my daily routine. I see them more as my religion than I do self-help or motivation.

As much as I believe in what they have to say, not being surrounded by others who believe what you do as deeply as you do diminishes the potential of the possibilities. Being the lone attendee at a powerful sermon does not make for a spiritual environment that lingers on. Instead, you might look around, see no one and think you’re a fool. Power in numbers.

There’s this guy on YouTube who looks like a meathead but has some inspiring videos. I watch one of his videos regularly and try to burn his words into my brain.

“…don’t complain about it, don’t whine about, don’t tell other people how destitute you are. You followed your heart. You own your heart and balls. Now eat the cake associated with it. That’s the problem. People want to follow their hearts but they also want the guarantee of the traditional path.”

“…you will be cast out, you will be a weirdo, you will be eccentric, it’s just the way of the heart. But it will be your way.”

“…the difference is that the traditional path has a ladder of success, you can look at it, go to college, get a career…which is no longer a reality. It’s a hope. It’s a wish. Get a pension plan, retire, blah blah blah. There’s a linear approach. When you start following your heart there’s no guarantee. You don’t know where that motherfucker is going to take you.”

It’s true. You don’t know where that motherfucker is going to take you.

Phone Culture

If I wasn’t getting a free meal and beer I might have been annoyed with the 3 of them at a pub all staring into their phones. Before smartphones you would have to entertain each other by saying something or doing something, sometimes almost forcibly. The phone appears to be a device to entertain yourself and if entertaining enough you say, “look at this.” After a second of acknowledgement the head comes back down. One was looking at shopping flyers while the other 2 were scrolling through social media or playing a game. If I had to guess though, this is something that happens more so with the younger generation.

I’ve recently been active on Twitter with the 18 people who I follow and my 2 followers. It’s possible half of my followers accidentally touched the follow button. With 18 people there’s more action than I can keep up with. Now it makes sense to me how people can have their faces in their phones all day, liking, tweeting, retweeting, scrolling. Some people follow hundreds of people and have hundreds of followers.

Twitter is just one platform. Many people also have Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and maybe a few others. Most of life for some people is lived through their phones. It’s easy and constant entertainment.

Everyone is trying to participate to get some kind of validation with a witty one-liner, meme or a photo that they may or may not have taken themselves. A life fuelled by strangers. Guaranteed you’ll find someone out there to connect with, perhaps enough that you’ll give up doing it the old fashioned way.