How well you do in life and who you associate with comes down to what and how well you think. Whether your thoughts are rational or not, people won’t like you as much if you don’t think the same way they do. Life though, does not care if you think your beliefs are well-thought-out when they’re not because it will hand you what you deserve.
The term “think” is used as loosely as “good,” “bad” or “friend.” In order to claim that you think this or that, means that you should have at least thought about it. Many people do think but often only to the benefit to what makes them feel better. Not everyone thinks they are the smartest but they always tend to think that they’re right. People who are certified crazy think they are right just as often as anyone else. Some people are stronger than others and some think better than others but you can’t bash a person’s brains out with your words and claim victory. In the end they can just say, “we’ll have to agree to disagree.” Unless if you’re a certified expert in a field you won’t get any credibility for being more knowledgeable and thought-out in a particular subject than some chump off the street you’re arguing with.
I often avoid interactions longer than 5 minutes with some people because then I’ll probably have to hear what they “think.” The difference between conversing with a child versus an adult is the expectation. For some reason you expect someone’s thoughts are relative to their age. Thinking is like anything else…the less time you spend doing it effectively the more you’ll suck at it. All one needs to do to make themselves think that they are making sense is to create a weak idea that supports their theory and not challenge it.
When you’re accused of overthinking it could be because you’re overthinking or maybe that person just doesn’t like what you have to say. Everything can seem like overthinking to someone who doesn’t think. When you’re not thinking you’re blindly following.
My unemployed colleague has just left the pub leaving me alone with my half a pint. It’s almost 3 PM, eight people including myself are occupying the pub.
Minus 2. The couple of cougars are leaving after spending an unknown amount on lottery tickets for the last 2 hours.
A lone man calls for “another.” The guy 3 seats from him around the bar is a regular. I see him here every time I pass by. He’s on at least his 4th pint. He’s neatly groomed with clean, well-fitting clothes. He doesn’t look like a loser.
A table of 2 other men appear to have just finished their shift of laborious work. One of the guys is using a flip phone. They don’t look like winners. That could be my future.
Baseball playoffs on TV is the main attraction today. One could use that as the excuse to sit around and drink beer all day.
I’m the only Asian guy here as usual. All the other Asians are working or studying. No one ever imagined their life to be where it is. It’s always worse or better.
“If you’ve got nothing worth dying for, you’ve got nothing worth living for.”
While others are going about with the regular life or finishing up, I’m at a loss or unmotivated with what to do on most days. The motivation to pop out of bed or to perform the usual morning rituals doesn’t exist. The lack of drive to devote a life to working a job or catering to other people forces your imagination to work overtime.
The consensus of my thoughts is that people are psychologically surviving off the momentum of their beliefs that may have been running on fumes for the last decade. But then again what do I know about what goes on in other people’s heads because they definitely don’t know what’s going on in mine.
As much as I hated working a full-time job it fueled a dream that I would one day make an exit. Now I have nothing left to quit. To look at this situation positively my life can now be directed towards building instead of demolishing.
After 2 years of not having a typical job I still have zero ambition to find regular full-time employment. This might be due to the fact that I have been “making” tax free money through the stock market. Some may be disgusted with me dodging taxes even if it’s legal but in the words of the great Donald Trump, that makes me smart.
There’s significantly more money in the bank account than there was when I quit my job but surprise surprise, money alone does not make you happy. I was happier the first year after I quit my job than I am today. The detoxification from the daily grind was enough for my spirits to live off.
The initial significant gain from the stock market the following year produced euphoria and feelings of hope similar to when the first time anything happens in your life. The high has worn off and I’m back to my baseline happiness which is discontentment. I’m going to need a much larger dose to replicate that high. Like a bad drug habit I think the highs and lows of the stock market have messed with my brain. Still, it’s better than grinding it out at a job 5 days a week plus I’ve learned a new skill that will probably be practical for the rest of my life.
I’m waiting for the day when I’m convinced that the future is going to be mostly rosy. A cloud of anxiety follows me on most days punishing me with fears of perpetual discontent, and I’m not enlightened or dumb enough to vanquish them.
How can I not have some faith though since unexpected fortunate circumstances have occurred in a situation when most people would have written me off. Hopelessness comes from the perception of what you believe to be true. Imagination and faith keep the lights on.
Before I moved in here the dog was living a borderline rescue dog life. She was alone 14 hours of the day and in darkness for half of those hours during the winter months. The lowest point was when my mother was keeping her in the bathroom for the whole time while she was at work. She didn’t want her pooing or peeing on the carpet. I suppose if your bloodline is only one generation away from when they ate dogs then locking them in a bathroom might not seem so deplorable. Also, this somewhat recently purchased 35-year-old rancher might be seen by some people as a starter home but she sees it as her dream home. Living your first 50 years in poverty gives you a different perspective on everything.
The relationship I formed with the dog was gradual and unintentional. Slowly I began optimizing her lifestyle by changing her diet, going for walks, brushing her teeth daily and wiping the snot from her eyes multiple times throughout the day. I retrained her to go do her business outside in the yard instead of on those pee pads. Rather than being a pain in the ass, washing her feet after a walk or cleaning her butt has just become something I have to do.
I discovered there was a doggy door already installed that was hidden behind a shoe rack. It’s possible that it was used as a cat door in the past. It took some training to get her to use it but now she uses it like a pro. It’s probably enriched her life tenfold. I’m praying no raccoons will ever find their way through there.
For most of my life there was always a dog wherever I was living but I never had the intention to care for them. Somewhere along the line I decided I was going to with this one. Perhaps it has something to do with the stage of life I am in now or maybe I was trying to fill a void. It becomes a whole new experience though when you care for a dog instead of just owning one. I believe it can make you kinder person.
This is when I say, “look at you you’re all tucked in.”
Breakfast beside bed
Every time I order a product from Amazon I feel as if I’m selling out or contributing to the demise of society. The way it’s looking, Amazon is trying to take over the world. I can support my local big-boxed store but the only reason why I would do so is if I believe I’m helping local people keep jobs or because I hate Amazon. Then again, why should anyone feel sorry for big-boxed retailers when they put mom and pop shops out of business. When you can get the same thing for cheaper there’s always that voice that tells you that you can get it for cheaper. One day you’ll find a reason to give in to those voices.
Resisting Amazon will probably only hurt me in the end. 50% of American households have an Amazon Prime membership. If you refuse to drive an automobile other people are still going to drive. All that will happen to you is that you’ll lose 2 hours of your day, have wet socks and no watermelon because you didn’t want to carry it home. With all your efforts that polar bear will still end up dead. With Amazon’s recent acquisition of Whole Foods you can now get watermelon delivered to your home.
They’re also hoping to get those delivery drones working one day but for now they have their own couriers. He freaked out when my dog weaseled her way through my legs and darted towards him. She has killed before.
The battle with boredom is a continuous one that requires more energy than staving off hunger. Every time your heart beats you are either strategizing against boredom or executing your plan. People are always looking for “something to do.” An entire life lived can often be predicated by the goal of not to be bored.
“Don’t you get bored?” is a question someone with ample time will get from people who hate being at their jobs. As if killing your boredom with misery is so much better. It’s the equivalent of cutting yourself to cope with emotional pain.
Lately, I have been in the mindset of embracing boredom. Sure, I can battle boredom with the army of technology available but it is a very short-term cure with no true benefit. Boredom is the portal that transports you to a new world. There will be a stage of suffering from fighting habitual urges and comfort but if you can weather the storm I believe there is something better on the other side.
Boredom is a tool to push evolution. If you are bored it means what you are doing feels next to useless. It’s neither enjoyable or beneficial to you so your mind is telling you to stop and move on. If you don’t listen then you will be bored to death.
I could spend 40 hours a week at an uninspiring job, watch TV shows for hours in a day, hang out with people for the sake of not being as bored, but it would be just a continuance on a dependence that only serves as a distraction.
Boredom is trying to prevent you from doing nothing like how fear prevents you from doing something. Together they mix a cocktail that will get you by another day like you have been doing so well at but nothing more.
The day after a substance binge I reflect on how I could have done things differently to lessen this sub-par condition I’m in right now. The easiest solution is to not ingest any mind altering chemicals but that’s like abstaining from ice cream for the rest of your life. The best route one can take is to never introduce themselves to devilish substances. Once you experience the feeling you don’t want to completely give it up.
If I had just taken the one capsule of MDMA and drank a couple of beers last night I would probably be fine today. That idea has only ever worked in theory for me. The only way that scenario would play out is if there was no more than one capsule of MDMA and a couple beers available.
Pre-substance intake had me saying that I had no interest in snorting ketamine. I also pushed away the marijuana joint that came my way. Post-substance intake had me pulling everything towards me. Everything seems like it could be a good idea when you’re high. It got to the point where I didn’t even know what I was feeling.
Life has a way of taking advantage of people who do stupid things. It seemed like a good idea to go for more drinks after the show. By the time we finished it was too late for me to take public transit home or maybe I just didn’t want to. So I got a cab which costed me $40.
I don’t want to do anything today. I don’t even want to do nothing.