Chasing a Pit Bull

At the local park I was walking my 8 pound dog when I saw a pit bull running around without an owner. I picked my dog up because she’s often an annoyance to other dogs when she barks in their faces. No manners this dog.

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The pit bull did a couple laps around the park and then took off somewhere. I took my dog back home and decided I was going to hunt after the pit bull. It’s probably not what most people would advise doing but I had nothing better to do. Being bored is often the catalyst for the downfalls in life. You stare at the dead hooker on your bed and wished instead 3 hours earlier that you just kept watching CNN but nooo, you were bored.

I grabbed some dog treats, went back to the park and there it was again. As it came closer it became apparent that its head was too big for its body which made it more intimidating. It also kind of had that liquor store dog look. You know, the kind of dog a beggar in front of the liquor store would own.

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I figured if I sat on the concrete bench table it would be harder for him to maul me. He wasn’t realizing I was throwing treats his way at first. He kind of just took my treats and walked away until I started scratching him. Once I stopped the free body massage though he took off again. I guess I should call the dog people. The dog people were closed but the recording gave me a phone number. That phone number went to a person who gave me a phone number. That phone number gave me a person who gave me a phone number(they only dealt with dead dogs aka roadkill). That phone number went to a machine and I left a message.

I guess it’s not really worth it to have someone on-call who would probably get paid $25 an hour to drive around looking for dogs and possibly not end up succeeding. You might as well take that $25 and buy 4 homeless people dinner.

I went home again and grabbed more treats and found him at the park again scaring all the other dog owners. The dog took off again from the park and got away from me. I hope he’ll be okay. I went to go buy ice cream after.

 

Poo Inspector

In order for my life to be good the dog’s health needs to be as well. I don’t have the tools or knowledge to do a thorough daily examination so I resort to monitoring her poo. It’s something to be thankful for when your dog pushes out a good looking turd.

When she pushes out a suspicious one I think about what she might have eaten and also consult with the internet. There’s a checklist for a healthy dog and human turd but it makes me wonder how can one conclude what a healthy turd should consist of. There’s apparently an ideal size, shape, colour and buoyancy but I don’t think there’s been a study done on producing healthy turds. Even if they have done one who was the control group? Did they take the healthiest dogs and humans, feed them what they thought was the healthiest diet, examine their poo, choose the most common turd produced and use that as the benchmark?

When your dog doesn’t push out a good looking turd in public it’s embarrassing especially when every other dog is pushing out champion defecation matter.

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A Relationship Closer to Dog

Some want to find a way to be closer to God. Some renew their wedding vows in hopes of rejuvenating their love for each other. I have become closer with my dog by almost killing her.

As her personal head chef I believe I made her sick by feeding her a rotten steak. At first glance the steak didn’t look too great but it passed my sniff test, and any leftover doubts I had was erased by the notion that cooking it would make it okay and that also, dogs have stronger stomachs than humans. Would I have eaten it? I really don’t think so.

The following days there was diarrhea then diarrhea and vomiting. Dr. Internet prescribed the vet if symptoms persisted after 24-48 hours. I thought to myself that I would never go see the doctor that soon if I had the same symptoms. But once she started becoming lethargic in the morning I really started to worry and also felt supremely guilty. I felt so guilty that I let the vet upsell me on x-rays for $173 that gave me nothing but a blurry glimpse of some of her insides. It was a low pressure sales pitch but it felt like an upsell. She said it would be the best route to do everything in one shot. After we found nothing from the x-rays there happened to be something else we could do…blood panel work. I declined and she said it was definitely okay that I just take her home with the meds and go from there. Grand total: $365. Funny enough, the 2 dogs after me were also in for diarrhea. Diarrhea might be a veterinarian’s brown bread and butter. It’s like non-violent drug offenses for privitized American prisons.

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She’s not sick in this photo but it’s similar to how she looked like

I don’t regret the x-rays really because during the presentation she mentioned something about pancreatitis and how too much fatty foods would do it. I started thinking about all the times I fed the dog scraps of fried meat and the huge dog treats my mother would give her every morning. At least I walked away with some valuable information. I used to think that dogs couldn’t be that sensitive because they’re supposed to be descendants of wolves. If that theory is correct my dog must have evolved from a long line of mutated midget wolves.

The whole week I stayed by her side, trying to get her to eat, giving her medicine, watching if she drank water and anticipating her crap sessions. I think I mastered making meals that she likes. She’s picky but I’ve found that I can trick her into eating most things if I put a little bit of meat from pork neck bones.

It’s was a horrible feeling thinking that I caused another living creature several days of discomfort. She depends on me and I let her down because I was careless. Seeing her sad face and slow body movements was killing me. She appears to be better now. I won’t be fully convinced until another week because that’s just the way I am.  I was so delighted to finally see a well-formed, dry stool. Sometimes the best things in life are shit.

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Doggy Double Standards

Shit gets stuck to the dog’s bum fur sometimes and I get the pleasure of cleaning it. Luckily she is an 8 pounder so I can hold her in one arm while the other arm is holding her tail back so that the water from the faucet can rinse most of the crap away.

Sometimes I don’t notice it right away, which will give her opportunity to lift her hind legs and drag her bum on the floor creating her own shit masterpieces.

Having a dog sit on your lap is like having a naked human being who never wipes their butt sit on your lap. If dog shit is cleaner then I guess an exposed dog anus is better. If it is cleaner though it doesn’t smell any better.

 

 

Annoying Dog Owners

Some people strive to have a closer relationship with God. Some people unexpectedly become best friends with their dog. This dog has been the main bitch in my life. I walk her, bathe her, feed her, rinse her bum and talk to her like she has an idea what I’m even saying. Oh you’re so cute you.

I thought I headed to the park late enough for the usual dog walking gang to be back home but it wasn’t so. I had no choice but to merge in with them.

It’s annoying when you’re stuck with parents talking about their kids in detail.

Today, Jayden smiled every time he took a sip of his orange juice. He doesn’t like too much pulp.

Haha…Sarah does that too but only when she is watching The Power Puff Girls.

Dog owners are no different especially if the ones who never had kids and use their dog as a substitute.

I can’t say ‘walk’ in front of Pookie otherwise he’ll get all excited. 

She even knows when we spell the word out. We have to use code words in front of Zola. 

If you say so but dogs are pretty dumb. People like to think their dogs are so smart. Maybe, but only compared to a dog that is really retarded. My dog is a bona fide idiot. She is cute though, I’ll give her that.

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SaTURDay Ramblings

Nothing like starting out the day with 2 slices of pizza and a big piece of cake…breakfast of losers. I take that back for the sake of pretending I have a healthy self-esteem. Old white people are always trying to boost my self-esteem. I’m a love child not a bastard child. I’m a fine young man. I get the sense thinking negatively towards yourself no matter how true it is goes against the Canadian culture. This is probably why so many people are full of shit.

When I shove 100 grams of carbohydrates into my mouth in one sitting I feel extreme guilt. My way of reconciling this is to either eat nothing for the next 8 hours or I go for a long walk.

Yesterday the dog and I walked about 15 kilometers. I want to take her out again but I’m waiting for her to take a dump at home first. We’re in the backyard and she is showing no signs of bowel congestion. She has this habit of stopping suddenly during our walks and dropping her turds on the pavement. It’s not always easy removing dog shit from a dry sidewalk. To clean off the remnants of crap lodged in the grooves of the cement I have to wash it off by urinating on it.

In the strip mall by my place there’s a large retail Walmart type store and a smaller pet supply store. I wanted to help the little guy but I didn’t want to pay twice as much for half the product. Maybe I lack character. I was then faced with the dilemma of buying biodegradable poop bags or its enemy. I wanted to do the ethical thing but with my dollar I voted for the devil. It was cheaper and came with a dispenser. I rationalized to myself that the world may end by nuclear warfare so what would all this saving the environment stuff matter anyway.

If the world is going to end sooner or later, what difference does it make if it’s sooner? The only difference is a different set of people are going to be the last ones to live. If you ask people when they think the world is going to go to shits, their answer will conveniently be the amount of time it takes for their existing bloodline to die a natural death with a little bit of a buffer. Ask some 80-year-old with no kids and they will tell you the world will be done in 20 years.

If you have any tips on how to urge a dog to do a #2, please let me know.

 

 

The Shih Tzu Dogs in my Life

For many years of my life I’ve had a Shih Tzu breed dog living with me and it might be the reason why I don’t care for them all that much. Actually, I think they just never did it for me as a dog. Something about their appearance makes it easy for me to ignore them. I like shorter haired dogs but I think above all I like dogs with a snout…one that I can muzzle with my hand and shake back and forth. Dogs hate that. Dogs also hate it when you blow on their anus. Note: I’ve never taken it any further than that.

My mother’s house is no exception to the general rule of my life. There’s this Shih Tzu that is chubby and white like the first one I shared a house with when I was in high school. It lays in its bed all day and sometimes when I walk by it will turn onto its back like a slut hoping I’ll rub her tummy.

The first Shih Tzu I lived with was named “Pillow,” and she was a bitch for the most part. It’s possible her name was derived from her being obese and from being most commonly seen adjacent to the arm of the couch. I don’t ever mourn the loss of that dog.

The only reason there have been so many Shih Tzu dogs around is because my aunt favours them for whatever reason. When she finds the opportunity she pushes my mother to that doggy direction. If I had to guess why she has a thing for them, I believe it’s because some people like dogs that resemble themselves. My aunt has always been short, chubby and inactive.

I think “Yoyo” was the 2nd Shih Tzu in my life. There’s been speculation whether or not she even was a pure bred Shih Tzu given her appearance and size. My aunt pushed this dog to my mother and took Yoyo’s sister(Chi Chi) for herself. I rejected Yoyo at first because I didn’t like rodent-like dogs but she grew on me. I’m sure she would have been a chick magnet if I took her out. Old too soon, smart too late.

Yoyo circa 1999

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Sorry Yoyo. I could have made more from the time we had

These dogs are defenseless and not the least bit intimidating. They look like glorified janitorial mops but wouldn’t do much if you pushed them with a stick. A Chihuahua of the smallest stature would put this dog to shame with just its false bravado alone. These dogs are as much a dog as I am a man. Maybe we belong together after all.

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“Baby”…current Shih Tzu