Friday Food Extravaganza

Instead of eating at a restaurant I went to hunt & gather at the supermarket. About-to-expire bacon was $2 instead of $5. I counted 16 slices that needed to be eaten within 3 days. Maybe I can do it, maybe not but if I can get through half then it will be okay.

3 eggs over easy, 3 slices of bacon, 2 slices of healthier bread & butter and 100 ml of french pressed coffee. Even a small amount of coffee can get me wired. I had the exact same meal 4 hours later and I’ll probably do it again tomorrow.

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In the evening I did some real hunting & gathering. There’s an abundance of prickly blackberry bushes nearby. I now know how those cave people integrated stretching in their daily lives. Combined with maneuvering yourself so that you don’t get pricked, it becomes a form of yoga. Those thorns are no joke. They’re a great defense system.

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A recent addition to the menu is berry salads with grated cheese.

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My breakfast would have probably costed me at least $8 plus tax and tip at a restaurant. There is a place I know of that charges $6 with no tax or tip but it’s the type of establishment where the ketchup bottles are greasy and walls are full of profanity.

12 eggs – $5
16 slices of bacon – $2
Loaf of bread – $5

I can make at least 4 meals for $12. Damn, it’s only a savings of half and I’m not even including the cost of butter and the water used to wash the dishes. I can live with greasy ketchup bottles and having a wall tell me who to call for a good time. In my old neighbourhood there is a place that does breakfast for $2.95 plus tax and tip. With no employees to layoff I have to cut the cost of food to compete. I’ll have to get non-free range eggs, expired bacon, bread made with 20 ingredients and recycled butter.

 

Hating on Diner le Blanc

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If you live in a trendy enough city you may have Diner en Blanc hosting one of its dinner events near you. The demand is greater than the supply but many people hate on it for a few reasons.

  • Everyone must wear all white
  • It’s mostly white people attending
  • It’s an invite only event
  • It gets media exposure
  • It seems pretentious

Proponents of the event hate that people hate on it. They don’t see why so many people would have so many derogatory comments about an event and its attendees when everyone there enjoys themselves and nobody is getting hurt.

To attend this event you need to be invited by someone from the organization or someone who has participated in the past…something like that anyway. You can’t just buy a ticket. If you do get invited and attend, along with your white attire (hopefully you don’t shit your pants) you have to bring your own white coloured table, chair, candelabra and china. To add to the specialness of this event the public outdoor location is not revealed until the day of.

I can see how it can be enjoyable if you enjoy socializing with strangers, meeting people or if you’re good looking but would there be as much demand as there is if it wasn’t so exclusive? Usually with exclusivity comes perks but in this case you pay $35-50 to go out for dinner and you have to bring your own dining room set with you.

I’m not sure why white was the colour they chose for everyone to wear. It’s possible they wanted to discourage fat people from coming since white is the least flattering colour for people with unflattering body’s. Making men wear white pants is basically making every guy go out and buy a new pair of pants because hardly any guy owns a pair of white pants. I had a friend whose wife wanted everyone to wear white to their party. I showed up in blue jeans, Hello Titty t-shirt and a dirty, green baseball cap. I may or may not have been wearing white underwear.

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What I think annoys people the most about this event is that it’s an exclusive party for nobodies that gets media exposure. You look at the pictures online, you see the faces of the people attending and just can’t help but think that they are thinking, “I’m a somebody, I got invited to something you had no chance of getting invited to.”

Most exclusive parties are exclusive to people who belong to a group like a business, team or disability and you think to yourself, “okay, I can’t go because I’m not on dialysis.” With Diner le Blanc you think, “I can’t go because they don’t think I’m cool enough.”

If ISIS were to attack a Diner le Blanc event it would be tragic but there would be a lot less sympathy for the victims. I just made you cringe and unfollow, didn’t I?

So people can go to this event and enjoy it but just like a 16-year-old guy having manboobs the side effect might be that a lot of people are going to secretly laugh at you.

 

 

 

French Toast…Part II

It’s a gloomy day with light showers and gusts of wind but not having a job to suck the life from you keeps your energy and morale high. On my way to the supermarket I thought about how ridiculous it seemed to walk 4 kilometres in this weather to buy one whole loaf of bread just to make French toast for myself. Then I remembered that the more torturous the journey the greater the victory will feel. A real man treks home alone with a loaf of French bread in one arm and a package of name brand 2 ply toilet paper in the other.

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2 thick slices of bread, grated cinnamon, 1 large egg, a bit of cream…mix and fry in butter

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Tasted pretty damn good. Better than how mama makes them. If I had kids I would be making this for them all the time. I would tell them not to put so much maple syrup on and they will ask me, why? Then I would tell them, because I fucking said so!

Mr Johnson..the greatest food blogger ever.

 

 

Best of Mr Johnson

When you’re a veteran of the blogging world it’s your duty to put out a greatest hits compilation. It was tedious to do but I created a “Best of ” page. Some people only read your posts from when they first start following you, some check out a few from the past as well and some go back and read your whole blog. I made a page for people who would like to check out more than a few of my older posts but not all 500 of them. The link is below and you can also find it on the menu of the main page. Wishing you a happy Wednesday. It’s time for a nap.

Best of…

 

Stay-At-Home-Son

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When you’re a functioning SAHS you look to make improvements around the home and to yourself. I like cooking because it saves money and is typically healthier than eating out. The idea behind growing my own vegetables is also related to health but also a back up plan for when the apocalypse comes our way.

I thought I was brilliant for coming up with the term “stay-at-home-son” but soon crossed internet paths with a standup comedian who coined the term before I did. There is possibly nothing that exists anymore that can be considered original.

I’m fascinated with the idea of using a slow cooker because I like to make one big batch of flavourful food without having to do much. After a couple trips to the strip mall and searching through ads on Craigslist, Amazon turned out to be the better deal. I put my order in on Saturday night and supposedly it will be delivered later today.

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Not bad for $25 with free shipping.

The garden is probably going to be a little more difficult than my slow cooking adventures. I don’t know shit about gardening. From what I know I just throw some seeds into some dirt, piss on it every day and then presto! This book and other sources tell me that I should analyze the dirt, calculate sun exposure and some other stuff. If you have any tips or suggestions feel free to share them.

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Picture is facing north. That long box of dirt is where I want to grow stuff.

I’m fascinated with the idea of a brick barbecue but it seems impractical. It would be rad though.

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In the summer I’m thinking of pitching a tent in the yard and sleeping there. The only wildlife I will possibly encounter are raccoon and rapists. I will be safe from home invaders, carbon monoxide poisoning and house fires.

If you have any great slow cooking recipes or Tupperware recommendations please let me know. I have to go watch The Ellen DeGeneres Show now.

Mondays aren’t so Bad

In the oven right now is a Frankenstein frozen pizza. Nine times out of ten, one is at least somewhat dissatisfied with the lack of toppings on their pizza. Scared of disappointment, I went to buy some mushrooms but apparently there is a mushroom famine going on because the fresh ones were non-existent. I had to settle for canned variety.

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The end product never looks as good as the cover and this pizza doesn’t even look that good

A frozen pizza brand named “Giuseppe Pizzeria” is as stereotypical as a Chinese restaurant named “Wong’s Wok” or some truck stop diner named “Al’s Grill.”

I should have taken a picture to show you the amount of mushrooms I dumped onto there but I forgot. I ruined this post. But I assure you there’s lots but unfortunately they are made in China. No wonder why they were so inexpensive. I hate putting stuff in my mouth that’s made in China(if you want a scare go look up ‘gutter oil in China.’ I had some leftover cheese so I just grated it on there.

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The oven “dinged” as I was writing this post. This is blogging in real time. Almost like updating a Facebook status. You want to know what I’m doing when I’m doing it, right?

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It looks okay. I’m sure it will give me diarrhea tomorrow. I’m hoping not to be a loser by eating the whole thing.

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It’s dinner time. I’ll let you know how it goes.

This is Mr. Johnson reporting live from the pizzeria dungeon. For a total of $7 Canadian dollars the Frankenstein pizza was a success. The added mushrooms were vital in making it alive. I only ate a quarter of the pizza for now because I believe in spreading portions when consuming unhealthy disasters.

Before I decided to create pizza I was picking up a photo from a Craigslist ad. For the past little while I had been wanting one of these. It might not be my ideal format but for $25 I’m satisfied.

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I don’t think any of these guys would be considered a wuss. They would have some pretty good, “back in my day” stories.

This whole Monday was about me spending money. The first half of the day I was buying Wayne Gretzky cards off of eBay. The amount I spent on shiny little pieces of cardboard is a little embarrassing. I’m finding it easier to spend money now that I’m unemployed. I know, it sounds like backwards thinking. When I was working I associated spending money with pain and suffering. Perhaps my wounds are healing. Or maybe I’m an idiot destined for cardboard box living and $1 pizzas.

 

2016 Hobolympics

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There’s rice under there

If such games existed it would be the opposite of a typical Olympics. The games would not exist to showcase talent, power and the fastest speeds but instead the length of suffering an individual can endure. The 100 meter dash would begin after a 10 day famine.

I’m in training for the 2016 Hobolympics hoping to capture top spot on the podium which will garner me with the satisfaction of low expense numbers for the year.

The photo above is a variation of what I have been eating for the last month for almost every meal. When I’m not having this it’s because I’m in the intermission stages of having prepared soup in the pot. I knew I had arrived when I added beans to the mixture.

Another one of the Hobolympic games would be to see how many days the participants can eat the same unattractive meal while having an executive chef available 24 hours a day to cook them whatever they please. First one to call on the chef loses. This is the event I’m in training for.

I realize long bouts of stationary suffering may not be as exciting as momentary superhuman bursts of power but I hope you will tune in and cheer for me.

 

 

Unorthodox Living

In my 20’s I spent as much time employed as I did unemployed. No matter what the situation there’s always a stigma with being unemployed. Somehow it was less frowned upon to be broke or in debt but employed than it was to have money but be jobless. Made me wonder if the whole point of working was for acceptance or for money.

A common rationale is that you work so that you can live the life that you want. You work, get paid and spend the money on what you like. I did just that as well but my method was more unorthodox. They say time is precious so I used my money to buy time off.

My gift to myself gave me the opportunity to explore new hobbies, go on extended vacations and do whatever really. There were also times of stress though because I felt what I was doing wasn’t benefiting “my future” and it would one day leave me in a state of regret and loserism.

In my mid-30’s now and I’m basically living the same way. See, that’s what happens when you don’t buckle down. Recently, I had a thought that the way I had been living in my 20’s is a way that is better for myself even now and in the future. In my confined mind of the past, wanting to live in the manner that I currently do was unimaginable. I’m not saying my life at the moment is my ideal way of living but I will choose and accept this lifestyle over the one that most others would choose for me.

 

 

Monday Health Inspiration

When it’s pissing rain outside and you’re hungover it boosts morale for being holed up at home. Inspiration this morning came in the form of the documentary ‘Sick, Fat and Nearly Dead.’

Aside from the topic of health and weight loss, the show has some comical aspects to it. When random people on the street were asked if they had ever fasted, the answers made me laugh out loud.

“The only time I fast is when I have no money to eat, man”

“I don’t fast…but I eat fast”

If you took all the fruits and vegetables that I ate in my 20’s it would probably only fill a medium sized garbage can. Attention parents: if you want your boys to incorporate some sort of healthy eating in their 20’s then you have to continue to cook them meals.

I think I was 31 when I decided to completely change my diet. To be honest, if it wasn’t for this girl I was hanging out with at the time it’s quite possible that I would still be eating as if Ronald McDonald and Wendy were my parents.

For a couple years I was doing the Paleo Diet. Damn, it changed my life, not because it’s the best diet but because it was so much better than what my body was used to. My protruding belly was gone, my complexion became better and I never felt another stomach ache again like I did so regularly for all of my life.

When you are on a crap food diet it’s hard to believe that eating in a healthy manner is possible. Part of the problem is our idea of what and how we should be eating. Even the Canadian Food Guide is flawed.

My diet is not as stellar anymore but it’s nowhere near the apocalyptic diet I was so accustomed to for so long. But mmmm…cheeseburger.

 

Post-employment so Far

At my previous job, I drove a company vehicle all day delivering and picking up packages to help keep the wheels of the economy rolling. I didn’t realize it then but it made me dislike driving. Now that I am no longer driving all day, I actually enjoy driving even though I drive a boring ass Toyota Camry fit for a low testosterone geezer.

Just like bad health, wrinkles and hearing loss, you don’t realize what is happening until you get the chance to compare your situation to a completely different one. The degradation advances so slowly that the metamorphosis goes unnoticed.

Doing something on a regular basis that I didn’t really want to do slowly wore me down to a depressed state. I think I knew I was depressed but it happened so slowly that I couldn’t pinpoint the causes. When you’re stuck in a way of life for so long you lose all grasp on what makes sense for yourself. Our ability to adapt is to benefit survival not happiness.

Now that I have no income, I think about all the things that I wished I had purchased when I had a steady paycheque. Then I think about why I didn’t. I hated the thought of making unnecessary purchases because at the time I felt the misery I went through to earn that money was not worth whatever enjoyment the purchase was going to bring. To me, buying those items would feel like I was trading my life for them. It just didn’t seem like a good deal.

The little things in life are now enjoyable, for now anyway. I’ve read before that depression is like a stubbron looming black cloud that won’t filter through the slightest bit of sunshine. I can see that now but sometimes all you have to do is take yourself to a place where it doesn’t rain so often.

My final thought on post-employment thus far…if someone is going to miss a toothbrushing session, typically it will be the one before bed. When you are unemployed there’s a good chance you will miss the morning one because you don’t always have to be somewhere or see anyone.