Hooky Friend

The other day I was walking by the lottery ticket booth at the supermarket when someone caught my eye. I did a double take at who I thought to be an old high school friend. I’m mostly certain it was him. We locked eyes at one point and as he looked away I got the sense that he felt ashamed.

To keep some degree of confidentiality we’ll call this old friend, Fuckface, or maybe we’ll just call him Dave. We met when we were 13 years old the same way many losers meet. Our commonality was skipping school. Sooner or later you’re going to end up meeting other hooky players.

Dave was kind of messed in the head. One day he would be more than glad to buy you a free meal and the next day he would try to start a fight with you. After high school which I doubt he completed, the rumour was that he was on heroin. It may have just been a rumour. People like to propagate a fake interesting story than a boring one.

If I had to guess he’s not presently on heroin. If I had to guess he still has at least a slight gambling problem. If I had to guess he recognized me but may have been too ashamed to talk about his life with me. Why didn’t I try to talk to him? I don’t know. It was one of those split second decisions. I was walking so I just kept walking.

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Considering the Future

A few years ago there was a blogger who fake liked enormous amounts of blog posts including mine. She garnered a big following and decided one day that it might be a good idea to write a post trying to solicit money using GoFundMe to help pay for her master’s degree. She ended up deleting the post and was never heard from again.

I’ve been liquidating the risk from my pension investment portfolio so that I won’t have to lie in the future to gently steal funds from you good people. I also call this portfolio my ‘anti-suicide fund.’ The rules indicate that I cannot withdraw any money from this fund until I’m 55 years old. If I know I have a significant amount of money waiting for me then it greatly reduces the chances of me enacting the dark version of Freedom 55.

There comes a certain age when a person feels they are too old to start over but also too young to make it to retirement. This can be a partial reason why it’s strongly advised to not quit your job after a certain age. Throwing caution to the wind can sometimes leave you in the eye of a shit hurricane.

Today is Sunday

My throat has the beginnings of a virus forming. You know, it starts off with a little itch and progressively gets worse every couple of hours. Last night after using the vaporizer for my marijuana therapy my throat was dry but I didn’t get that glass of water that I knew I should have. Oh it will be okay. That type of thinking almost always leads to something not being okay. ‘It’s okay’ is what you tell yourself for short term comfort knowing very well it’s not okay.

Today’s piano lesson was shit. I had 3 weeks off and I now I’m worse. My punishment is $37.50 for the exact same lesson I had 3 weeks ago because I haven’t progressed enough. Charging for piano lessons is like selling gym memberships. After a while people won’t try as hard but will continue to pay the same amount. A good business is one that caters to people’s best intentions then locks them in and has their clients falter like they were statistically going to since recorded history. People are degenerate gamblers in some form. They think they are special and will beat the odds.

Here I am at the cafe to redeem myself by reading a book. Three Asian students sitting separately all have complicated looking mathematical equations in front of them and graphs that are displaying something. Maybe the inverse relation of gravity minus pythagoras multiplied by the square root of the speed of light. Anyone spending their Sunday engaged in such an activity is desperately working towards not being a loser.

To be an Asian in a developed country without a university degree is appalling. You don’t bullshit well enough and aren’t tall enough to get by in life by slacking off. You’ll be first in line to be culled by artificial intelligence.

If I had a job to go to tomorrow I’d be excited at the prospect of being genuinely sick so that I could call in sick without the guilt. Certain feelings will hold you back in life. Guilt has been one of them for me. Fake it until you make it and then for good measure keep faking it. People are usually too polite to call you out on your bullshit.

Reading Books

My former Amway sponsor said if you don’t read books you might as well be illiterate. I responded by saying I would still need to read restaurant menus, but I get his point. I don’t believe that people who read abundantly are more intelligent because it depends greatly on what you read and how you process the information. Finishing a large catalogue of books from the teenage vampire genre doesn’t make you an intellectual.

In the past couple of years I have been trying to make it a habit to read more and I have been failing at it for the most part. In a book that I have been slowly reading over the past few months it suggested that when it comes to progress anything is better than nothing, just don’t give up. So I made a promise to read at least 2 pages a day no matter what. I’ve been failing even at that but I never mentally called it quits.

I’m on a quest towards self-improvement and progress. For $20 or free you can get a lifetime of information from people who are smarter, more educated and more experienced than you are. All you have to do to absorb their powers is to read what they wrote.

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I don’t know if I’d recommend any of the books I’m reading to many people. Marilyn Manson’s book is the most entertaining…surprise surprise. The other 3 books have good information but can be boring too. Reading internet articles seems to be more practical. I believe books have to be a certain number of pages so that the publisher or whoever can justify a higher cost, and in return you get a bunch of filler pages and paragraphs.

If you want to improve in a particular area in your life, reading the appropriate books is a must. If you’re not seeking out information to improve in a particular subject it means you’re not interested in improving or you think you know it all.

If I was a parent I would be reading books on parenting, children, social sciences or at least a stripper’s autobiography for lessons on what not to do. There’s books to help you with your career but a good sign that you don’t like your job is if you have no interest in doing it better. Who wants to read books on something they hate doing? If you’re not interested in seeking information on raising a better child then maybe you don’t really want to be a good parent?

Today I read 20 pages. I deserve a cookie.

The Dark Side

In the circle of people I grew up with, selling drugs has had a few types of doors. There’s the revolving door where someone quits but returns in the future. There’s a few reasons why they quit but the most common is because they weren’t making enough money. They’ll tell you it’s because of something else but ultimately it’s because the money stopped coming in.

Hoods never stop, they just take a break.
– City of God(movie)

Transitioning from the world of drug dealing to legitimate life can be difficult. Your education, work experience and people skills can be comparable to that of a 12-year-old. Even if you do power through, your possibilities seem limited. During a period when life puts its squeeze on, some tend to break and walk back over to the dark side.

Most assume that if you have made it past your 20s without having given into the temptation of making easy money then your remaining years of life will be entirely a legitimate path. When life bends you over and gives it to you then you might just walk through that new door. You know how life lived for over 30 years on one side of that door is and it has sucked with a bleak outlook going forward. At least maybe on the dark side the stars will align for you.

You are the sum average of the 5 people you spend the most time with
Jim Rohn

Associating regularly with drug dealers but never taking a bite of the sinful fruit seems somewhat impressive but it’s like herpes. The dormant virus is in you and it only takes a single occasion to produce an outbreak. When you say you’ll never do it but you’re always around people that do, you’re sending mixed messages to the universe. One day it’s going to give you the only answer that makes sense.

 

 

Dear Diary: Binging/Addiction

On The Doctors they featured a woman who for many years was addicted to physical exercise. I’ve been experimenting with different workout regimens trying to find one I can stick with. As with most things in life it’s been a trial of trying to find an acceptable level of pain for reward(loser’s attitude). If I could just develop 1/10th of that woman’s addiction I’d be better than 9/10ths of the population. Having 1/10th of a crystal meth addiction would be perfect. The exercise-addicted woman discovered one day that her addiction was a means to block out childhood trauma from sexual abuse.

Many people binge watch television shows not to block out memories of a perverted uncle but often they’re blocking out something. It could be as innocent as procrastinating housework or maybe something else more sinister like wasting life. It’s easy to throw in the towel and decide that there’s nothing else to life besides a job and maximum screen time. Maybe sometimes you just run out of 91 octane for life.

The last 2 days I binge watched a docuseries on the Roman Empire. I usually feel a bit like a loser when I binge watch TV shows but I convinced myself that I was binge learning. I was educating myself while being entertained at the same time. It may not have been about the Roman Empire as much as it was a story about the Roman Empire because it’s anyone’s guess what really happened 2000 years ago. A person’s propensity for bullshitting can have no limits especially in certain situations. Like the saying goes, history is written by the winners. 

 

 

 

 

Decision Making

The ones who make better decisions will do better in life. Most people don’t do so well in life. They do okay, satisfactory maybe, average. In other words, they would do things much differently if they could do it over again.

If you could figure out how to make good decisions then you would be set. Some figure it out but often only after they have handcuffed themselves to the consequences of a series of bad decisions.

Since I have no positive residuals to show for from any decisions I made in my 20s then I may have made no good decisions during that era. My path in life during that time may have been attributed from the lack of a decision. Like the saying goes, not making a decision is still a choice. 

To be able to make good decisions requires the appropriate knowledge, experience and objectiveness. Too often the beliefs, ego and emotions interfere with rational decision making by ignoring statistics, science and math. 2 + 2 = 4 except when you want it to equal 5.

Fear is often the constant emotion involved in bad decision making. Being blinded by love is more often a case of being plagued by fear. The occupation that one chooses is often a decision based on a perceived probability of not losing. Settling too soon for too little feels safe but the guarantee you’re also promised is that you’ll never win.

An immediate catastrophe is often not the consequence of our decisions which allows people to prolong the idea of an improbable rosy outcome. There can be substantial comfort in the time between a bad decision and the day of reckoning.

If your life has not gone or is not going the way you would have liked it to then you have to question your decision making ability. If your main priority in life is to not feel down on yourself which is often the case then you will make many bad decisions. The universe does not care about your feelings.

Make your decisions as if the right or wrong answers would mean life or death the next day.