Part-time Work

In the early years of my last job I confessed to a co-worker how I would rather work part-time hours. Her response?

“That’s not very attractive.”

I guess to her a single man’s purpose in life is to be attractive to women. Her husband is probably a sucker. Women don’t necessarily have to be in love to marry a man, they’ll settle for a slave. So would I though. If someone is willing to give you everything you want in exchange for hanging around while also providing a pension if you ever decide to leave, it would be difficult to resist. Ironically or maybe not, she only worked part-time which is acceptable of course because she’s a woman. How come the term loser is never assigned to women? I ignored her for the next 5 years.

Recently, I entertained the idea of part-time work again. There was a union gig I found near my home servicing public bus coin boxes. I want to say I turned it down but I can’t because I didn’t even apply. It seemed like a really lonesome job that only offered money in exchange for my effort and time.

The way I see it is that an unfulfilling job is going to take away much of my good energy. When I finish my shift I’ll want to do crap all or at least only activities that are easy(watching videos) or fun(eating hamburgers). On my days off I’ll be recovering from work from the day before and will likely continue doing crap all. Hangovers aren’t only created by alcohol.

Perhaps I’m not very productive as it is but my belief is that having too much time will make me really bored which will push me to do things I wouldn’t do otherwise. This all sounds crazy or at the very least a poor excuse to not work a job but I don’t want to take any chances. Dead end jobs only pay you for your time. If you have a Plan B then you’re doing your Plan A a disservice.

As for now my choices in the stock market have been financially supporting me. It was punching me in the gut late last year but I have been slowly catching my breath back. If it decides to assault me more severely in the near future I’ll still be okay. If it continues to rally then I guess I’ll also be okay.

 

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The Dark Side

In the circle of people I grew up with, selling drugs has had a few types of doors. There’s the revolving door where someone quits but returns in the future. There’s a few reasons why they quit but the most common is because they weren’t making enough money. They’ll tell you it’s because of something else but ultimately it’s because the money stopped coming in.

Hoods never stop, they just take a break.
– City of God(movie)

Transitioning from the world of drug dealing to legitimate life can be difficult. Your education, work experience and people skills can be comparable to that of a 12-year-old. Even if you do power through, your possibilities seem limited. During a period when life puts its squeeze on, some tend to break and walk back over to the dark side.

Most assume that if you have made it past your 20s without having given into the temptation of making easy money then your remaining years of life will be entirely a legitimate path. When life bends you over and gives it to you then you might just walk through that new door. You know how life lived for over 30 years on one side of that door is and it has sucked with a bleak outlook going forward. At least maybe on the dark side the stars will align for you.

You are the sum average of the 5 people you spend the most time with
Jim Rohn

Associating regularly with drug dealers but never taking a bite of the sinful fruit seems somewhat impressive but it’s like herpes. The dormant virus is in you and it only takes a single occasion to produce an outbreak. When you say you’ll never do it but you’re always around people that do, you’re sending mixed messages to the universe. One day it’s going to give you the only answer that makes sense.

 

 

A Great Time To Be Alive

It’s been said that the invention of the washing machine has had a bigger impact on people’s lives than the internet. As my dog attempted to jump onto the couch a piece of shit fell out of her butt. It’s a similar situation to when a person is naked during a strip search and asked by the officer to split their butt cheeks apart and cough hard. I say “attempted” because for whatever reason she chose the highest part of the couch to clear.

As I confronted her about the mishap she felt bad about what had just happened and went to her bed where she then peed all over. It’s been raining very hard these past few days and even though there’s a doggy door to the yard she is very reluctant to go outside in the rain or snow. When her bladder and bowels are full it only takes a slight move in emotion for the flood gates to release.

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The washing machine is a blessed piece of technology yet I live the majority of my life wearing semi-clean clothes instead of thoroughly rinsed and spun material where I would be able to breathe in the nice scent and go aahhh. Why do I wait until I’m down to the last piece of underwear to think about doing laundry? Why do I put myself through frantically looking for an acceptable semi-clean shirt by doing sniff tests? That’s just the human condition.

It couldn’t be any easier to wash clothes. You gather them and huck them in the machine, pour some soap, spin the dial and pull, and walk away. Not a lot to ask in exchange for a continuing rotation of clean clothing. Any easier the clothing would have to self-clean.

I picked up the dog’s bed and did what I had just described. It will be dry by tomorrow morning and it will be like no one even wet the bed. Life is good.

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Forced Discipline

Like many others in this world I have difficulty doing things that I don’t fully believe I have to do which is why most people have Santa Claus bellies and are not very good at anything.

It’s common for prison inmates to become quite muscular because there’s nothing to do in prison besides lift weights. Just within this last hour I came up with the idea of chaining myself near the piano with only a couple of books within arms reach. If I don’t feel like practicing piano then my only alternative would be reading or push-ups. This only works if I throw away the key so I’d have to strategize a way for someone to release me before I shit my pants. I suppose a bucket nearby would handle that issue. It could all end badly so it would be best if I had bolt cutters beside me in case an extreme situation arises like arson or a passing ice cream truck. There really isn’t any excuse not to go through with all of this other than it just seems very unconventional.

Winning Matters

Not knowing or avoiding the laws of life landed me in Nowheresville by the time I was 30 years of age. Life is a competition. If you’re not competing then you’re not playing. If you’re not playing then you’re just watching other people score(I stole that line from a TV show).

The name of the game is being better than others because that’s the difference between feeling good and feeling like a loser. A few try to win but most play not to lose. The common mindset is to tell yourself that you don’t want to win so that you don’t feel so badly about yourself for chickening out. Spectators in the arena criticize the competitors but also secretly envy them.

People feeling inferior about their lives while in my presence should have been my goal in life. It may be lonely at the top but sheep get slaughtered, they just don’t see it coming. This all sounds slightly primitive and unevolved but to believe otherwise is pretending we’re fundamentally different than our recent ancestors. The game changes but the rules stay the same.

 

 

Dear Diary: Binging/Addiction

On The Doctors they featured a woman who for many years was addicted to physical exercise. I’ve been experimenting with different workout regimens trying to find one I can stick with. As with most things in life it’s been a trial of trying to find an acceptable level of pain for reward(loser’s attitude). If I could just develop 1/10th of that woman’s addiction I’d be better than 9/10ths of the population. Having 1/10th of a crystal meth addiction would be perfect. The exercise-addicted woman discovered one day that her addiction was a means to block out childhood trauma from sexual abuse.

Many people binge watch television shows not to block out memories of a perverted uncle but often they’re blocking out something. It could be as innocent as procrastinating housework or maybe something else more sinister like wasting life. It’s easy to throw in the towel and decide that there’s nothing else to life besides a job and maximum screen time. Maybe sometimes you just run out of 91 octane for life.

The last 2 days I binge watched a docuseries on the Roman Empire. I usually feel a bit like a loser when I binge watch TV shows but I convinced myself that I was binge learning. I was educating myself while being entertained at the same time. It may not have been about the Roman Empire as much as it was a story about the Roman Empire because it’s anyone’s guess what really happened 2000 years ago. A person’s propensity for bullshitting can have no limits especially in certain situations. Like the saying goes, history is written by the winners. 

 

 

 

 

Decision Making

The ones who make better decisions will do better in life. Most people don’t do so well in life. They do okay, satisfactory maybe, average. In other words, they would do things much differently if they could do it over again.

If you could figure out how to make good decisions then you would be set. Some figure it out but often only after they have handcuffed themselves to the consequences of a series of bad decisions.

Since I have no positive residuals to show for from any decisions I made in my 20s then I may have made no good decisions during that era. My path in life during that time may have been attributed from the lack of a decision. Like the saying goes, not making a decision is still a choice. 

To be able to make good decisions requires the appropriate knowledge, experience and objectiveness. Too often the beliefs, ego and emotions interfere with rational decision making by ignoring statistics, science and math. 2 + 2 = 4 except when you want it to equal 5.

Fear is often the constant emotion involved in bad decision making. Being blinded by love is more often a case of being plagued by fear. The occupation that one chooses is often a decision based on a perceived probability of not losing. Settling too soon for too little feels safe but the guarantee you’re also promised is that you’ll never win.

An immediate catastrophe is often not the consequence of our decisions which allows people to prolong the idea of an improbable rosy outcome. There can be substantial comfort in the time between a bad decision and the day of reckoning.

If your life has not gone or is not going the way you would have liked it to then you have to question your decision making ability. If your main priority in life is to not feel down on yourself which is often the case then you will make many bad decisions. The universe does not care about your feelings.

Make your decisions as if the right or wrong answers would mean life or death the next day.