Cinnamon Buns, Stereotypes, Degrees

When you have all the time in the world you might just walk around in a tourist area for an hour going into multiple coffee shops looking for a cinnamon bun. When I finally found one I had to choose a place to sit. There was a comfortable looking seat by the window but it was also right across from the washrooms where people unleash their holy hell. The worst of humanity takes place behind locked doors where people at most can only suspect that you are the culprit. The person after you needs a face to put to the urine soaked toilet seat but he knows it could have been from 20 other men before you. Maybe that putrid smell came from your back end but it’s possible it’s been lingering for the last hour. No one knows so no one says anything. All one can do is give the stink eye letting one know of their suspicions.

While sitting at the table where the students congregate, my wandering eyes inspected their study materials. Two young Asian guys appearing to be studying, with headphones in their ears. Maybe they’re listening to Tony Robbins or maybe they’re listening to death metal songs about killing their parents. Surprise surprise…one of them was studying Mechatronic Systems Engineering and the other had his textbook at the chapter of Cash Flow so I’ll assume he’s in the accounting field. Stereotypes exist for a reason.

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Practicality is the name of the game. If you’re going to spend 4 years and $50,000 on a university degree then you might just want to get something out of it besides a piece of high class toilet paper signed by the dean. A university degree can be a symbol of your worthy achievement or a reminder that you got duped.

Daily Post: Degree

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The Morning Routine

During my working days in a previous life the alarm clock(phone) went off at 7:30 AM with the snooze option often making a appearance. I hope for it to be a day later than what I think it is but it’s rarely the case. As I silently go through an arsenal of cuss words and a seemingly hopeless maze of negative thoughts I make the first move to a vertical position. As I sit on the edge of my bed it reminds me how all of it is strikingly similar to sitting on the edge of a tall building contemplating your options. If you do it enough, one day you probably will jump.

I’ve been doing this routine for years. I have it down to a publicly traded corporation’s dream of efficiency. I put 2 eggs in a stainless steel pot, fill it with hot water and place it on the stove on high. While the water is heating up I brush my teeth, wash the snot from my eyes and shave(maybe). By the time I put on my slave attire the water is boiling, I turn the heat down to 6 and calculate the time 7 minutes from now.

As I wait for the eggs I sit on my drum throne listening to the AM radio. There’s always traffic nightmare. I’m at least thankful that I’m a 5 minute drive from work. It’s not a lucky coincidence, I plan this shit.

I peel my medium-boiled eggs like a pro and have a banana afterwards. Not the greatest breakfast but I need to eat something or I’ll be left dizzy. 8:12 AM I’m out the door. More cuss words to come if it’s pissing rain.

 

 

Frieday, Dec 1st, 2017

Ikea has a cafeteria style food court to lure you in hoping that you’ll take a stroll around their maze and end up buying something. The woman in front of me asked for french fries instead of mash potatoes.

“Can I get a few more fries?”

Assertive, are we?

A new batch of fries came right after her request.

“Can you give me the new fries instead?”

I’m using a question mark but it wasn’t really a question. The Ikea staff member obliged and dumped her fries back to give her the fresh ones. The balls on this woman. She probably complains at McDonald’s when the English muffin on her McMuffin isn’t perfectly aligned with the poached egg. I hope she’s no one’s girlfriend. Maybe she’s just a woman who knows what she wants? Or maybe she’s a cuntosaurus.

I bought a bottle of wine today for the first time in a long time. There was a prawn & salmon concoction in the fridge. It was delicious.

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The above picture is my attempt at appearing as a happy individual. How can someone eating prawns & salmon doused in garlic butter be discontent? The internet is showtime. A platform that allows for mere snippets of what one will allow others to see. How often do you see a picture of someone miserable at work or a video of someone waking up to an alarm clock at some ungodly hour?

The dog decided to take a shit in close proximity to where I was sitting. It may be a fool’s errand to ponder the precise reasons why she would do such a thing but if I had to guess it’s because she knows it’s pissing rain outside. Another possibility is that she wants to see how much she can get away with.

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Taken moments after the dumpage

On the 6 o’clock news one of the top stories was how the LGBTQIAAWKRP in Vancouver wants to ban uniformed police officers in the next pride parade. I find this to be aligned with the tactic of my dog taking a shit 2 feet away from me to see how much she can get away with.

Louis C.K. has been disgraced by his masturbation shenanigans. I realize it’s a serious issue but I can’t help but giggle because it’s Louis C.K. performing some obscene act. Donald Trump must be feeling superior with the small amount of backlash that he received with his “grab them by the pussy” comment.  Even the dirty standup comedians will not joke about the Louis C.K. situation. They’re too scared to ruin their careers.

When you’re buzzed on the internet there’s a high possibility that you will purchase something foolish.

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Phone Culture

If I wasn’t getting a free meal and beer I might have been annoyed with the 3 of them at a pub all staring into their phones. Before smartphones you would have to entertain each other by saying something or doing something, sometimes almost forcibly. The phone appears to be a device to entertain yourself and if entertaining enough you say, “look at this.” After a second of acknowledgement the head comes back down. One was looking at shopping flyers while the other 2 were scrolling through social media or playing a game. If I had to guess though, this is something that happens more so with the younger generation.

I’ve recently been active on Twitter with the 18 people who I follow and my 2 followers. It’s possible half of my followers accidentally touched the follow button. With 18 people there’s more action than I can keep up with. Now it makes sense to me how people can have their faces in their phones all day, liking, tweeting, retweeting, scrolling. Some people follow hundreds of people and have hundreds of followers.

Twitter is just one platform. Many people also have Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and maybe a few others. Most of life for some people is lived through their phones. It’s easy and constant entertainment.

Everyone is trying to participate to get some kind of validation with a witty one-liner, meme or a photo that they may or may not have taken themselves. A life fuelled by strangers. Guaranteed you’ll find someone out there to connect with, perhaps enough that you’ll give up doing it the old fashioned way.

 

 

5-Speed Fears

When we were young if you voluntarily chose to buy a car with an automatic transmission because you didn’t want to drive a manual transmission then you were considered a wuss. That’s the PG term. What you were really labelled as was a fucking pussy. Maybe I’m being extreme. Let’s just say you weren’t cool.

One of the worst fears of having to drive stick was the possibility of having your car stall which was directly related to your clutch action. I’m not sure why it was so embarrassing but if you stalled, people would shame you. It’s one of those things that can feel significant at the time but it’s so insignificant that it won’t be documented for future generations to read about. In the year 2178 all that they will know is that we drove our own vehicles at one time.

Another cause for anxiety was the thought of having to successfully get your car moving when stopped on a steep incline. What if you roll into the car behind you? What if you can’t do it? What if the ground is wet? Burnt clutch! Ahhhh!

I had an unease with the idea of learning to drive stick but I figured if small Asian women could do it then I don’t have an excuse. That statement might come off as misogynistic and racist but it was just the way I rationalized it. In those days I would look to take the chicken route in most situations unless if I felt I had no good excuse. If a small Asian woman has more balls than I do then I’m not even worthy enough to be called a pussy.

 

Daily Prompt: Clutch

About a Dog

A dog sitting on your lap is the same as having a naked hairy guy sit on your lap who doesn’t shower or ever wipe his ass. I probably have fecal matter all over my jeans.

The dog has 24/7 access to the yard through a doggy door but has a tendency to hold out until I take her for a walk. I know this because I can see the business almost coming out of her butt while we’re walking to the nearby park. I suspect she gets enjoyment seeing me pick up her mess. When someone is picking up your fresh poo all the time you know who is the boss. At the vet yesterday she decided to unload a hot turd in the middle of the reception area. Luckily, no one was there and it was a healthy turd that didn’t leave marks on the floor.

Over time she’s found ways to optimize her life around me. She probably brainstorms these ideas when she’s lounging in her bed for most of the day. What else does she have to do?

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It’s the bonus they give you when you let them upsell you

 

That Guy

A few years ago I had a envelope to deliver at a Vietnamese pool hall in the afternoon. It was open but not really. It was the type of place that you walk into and a second later walk out of. Aside from the tinted windows the 5 unkept middle-aged to oldish men smoking cigarettes around one pool table made it unwelcoming. They’re probably there almost every day. Don’t they know there’s no smoking allowed under the Health By-law #9535?

I walked out of there thinking that I never wanted to be like those guys. I’m not sure if it’s because I just don’t want to be like one of those guys or if I’m shit scared that it could easily be my future.

There’s always going to be a small percentage of men that end up in that similar situation in life. It’s probably not going to be the ones who come from well-off families or even average familes. The most likely demographic would be the people from the bottom rung of the socioeconomic ladder who grew up with poor influences.

“That’s us and the guys that we know.”

He agreed. My snooker friend and I last night swore we would never become one of those guys but those guys probably thought the same thing in the previous century. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that him and I were bumming around together after high school and that we’re kind of doing it again 20 years later.

In many aspects I’m already “that guy” but everyone has a different idea of their worst nightmare. Most guys have a section of their life that others dread…broke, disabled, single, nagging wife, screaming kids, shitty job, stressed. We always try to cut those guys slack by saying, “at least he has…….”

I guess it’s one’s choice to bring themselves to a shady pool hall at 1 PM on most weekdays. If one did not want to be one of those guys all that they would have to do is not do that. I kind of doubt that most of them want to be doing what they’re doing but that’s the choice you might make when the other option is solitude.