500 Hours of Community Service

I was cordially invited by email to a gathering by the volunteer agency that took place today to accept a piece of paper of recognition. I knew it was going to be boring but I decided to go anyway because you never know what can come out of it.

There were shitty free sandwiches that came out of it but I kind of expected that. The egg salad sandwiches must have had only half an egg inside each of them. It was more like egg spread. They say you shouldn’t complain about free food but I disagree. I called out my former manager for serving us 2 day old dry buns. If you’re begging then you can’t complain about free food, otherwise you can revolt.

So I received my certificate of appreciation for over 500 hours of volunteer service…my greatest accolade since posting my 500th post on WordPress. I gave my acceptance speech where I thanked my mother, Jesus Christ and all my fans.

An old guy received his certificate for over 1000 hours.

“How long did it take you to get 1000 hours?”

“8 years. It takes a while. It helps that I’m retired,” he replied.

I too am retired but I’m halfway to where he is and it only took me a year and half.

The other guy sitting beside me was a young guy just finishing high school. He was there to accept a scholarship for university.

“So what are you going to study?” I asked.

“Umm.. Science. I don’t know what I want to do.”

To motivate him I said if the next time I saw him he wasn’t on his way to being a doctor, I would burn his house down.

On the bus ride home I was thinking how being a bus driver is an important job. A lot of jobs are important, they just don’t always feel very satisfying. Providing an important service for the community doesn’t feel that great because you’re not very connected to the people you help and sometimes you feel very replaceable. It’s not like the patrons are always that gracious either. When someone’s getting paid to do something, some see it as permission to treat them as a lower entity.

A bus driver is a somewhat sought-after position where I live because it only requires a high school education and the wage is close to $30 an hour. There’s not many jobs like this left. I thought about it at one time(not really) but I decided I would rather pick up and deliver packages instead of people. I can tell every package to “go to hell” if I want to and not have to worry about the repercussions of social media.¬†Packages don’t complain or have any rights.





Old Guys in the Neighbourhood

There’s this old Chinese guy who is always doing stuff to his motorcycle that I see sometimes when I walk my dog around the neighbourhood. I asked him a couple questions about his motorcycle and then 10 steps later he calls me back to the trunk of his car. He pulls out a pamphlet and starts talking Jesus with me.

“When I was living in Hong Kong I used to smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a day, drink a whole bottle of Johnny Walker, gamble, say bad words…..”

I was just waiting for him to finish the sentence with, “and have sex with hookers,” but it didn’t happen. I know he was thinking it though. Sometimes you just get the feeling.


I told him I would say the above prayer but I haven’t got around to it yet.

Today I was walking back from buying a straw hat when I bumped into the old guy who lives across the street from me. I was walking behind him for a few minutes, he was wearing shorts and kept staring at his right leg. I haven’t decided yet if he’s just wearing one of those blood pressure socks or if it’s a fake leg. It doesn’t look like a real leg but you never know with old people.


Just about an hour ago I was at the park with my dog. I was chatting with this other old guy and another guy who was about my age. When the younger guy left the old guy said, “I want to give you….”

“A million dollars?”

“No,” he replied.

I know the look. I could tell it was going to be weird. He started going off about the Lemurian Plug which I never heard of. If he laid his cell phone against mine I would get the “frequency” and I wouldn’t have to every worry about brain cancer. With the frequency installed I could also remove all toxins from cheap wine and cigarettes. He went on about holograms and I started bracing myself for the worst. He better not ask me to touch his penis.¬†

He got me to put my feet together and then pulled my left arm downwards once without his cell phone in my right hand and once with. I know that trick. If you want to make the person go off balance you kind of pull towards the side. “See, I couldn’t knock you off balance with the phone in your hand.”

I wonder if people see me and think, “hey, this guy looks stupid.”

Jumping off a Bridge

Yesterday’s newspaper had an article about the possible suicide prevention strategies for a local bridge where police respond to potential jumpers on average of once a week. This reminded me of an episode from a radio show about people who jumped off bridges and the popular bridges they jump from. This then got me reading about it on the internet.

It’s quite the fascinating topic if you’re interested in that sort of thing. Jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco will statistically give you a 98% success rate of killing yourself. If you’ve done your homework though you should be able to up your chances to 99.9%. Apparently, hitting the water feet first at a certain angle will decrease your chances of dying. The small percentage that survive the impact will often die from hypothermia.

I can see how the bridge method for suicide is desirable. It’s fairly quick and as a bonus you get the thrill of a lifetime just before it’s all over. Suicide by firearm, car exhaust fumes or pills requires one to attain the proper tools. A bridge is accessible 24/7 for free.

One fellow who jumped off of the Golden Gate Bridge immediately regretted it while in free fall. He ended up surviving, garnered some publicity, wrote a best selling book about it and may have found his calling advocating for mental health and bridge suicide prevention. Again the mantra stays true…bigger the risk, bigger the reward.






Chasing a Pit Bull

At the local park I was walking my 8 pound dog when I saw a pit bull running around without an owner. I picked my dog up because she’s often an annoyance to other dogs when she barks in their faces. No manners this dog.


The pit bull did a couple laps around the park and then took off somewhere. I took my dog back home and decided I was going to hunt after the pit bull. It’s probably not what most people would advise doing but I had nothing better to do. Being bored is often the catalyst for the downfalls in life. You stare at the dead hooker on your bed and wished instead 3 hours earlier that you just kept watching CNN but nooo, you were bored.

I grabbed some dog treats, went back to the park and there it was again. As it came closer it became apparent that its head was too big for its body which made it more intimidating. It also kind of had that liquor store dog look. You know, the kind of dog a beggar in front of the liquor store would own.


I figured if I sat on the concrete bench table it would be harder for him to maul me. He wasn’t realizing I was throwing treats his way at first. He kind of just took my treats and walked away until I started scratching him. Once I stopped the free body massage though he took off again. I guess I should call the dog people. The dog people were closed but the recording gave me a phone number. That phone number went to a person who gave me a phone number. That phone number gave me a person who gave me a phone number(they only dealt with dead dogs aka roadkill). That phone number went to a machine and I left a message.

I guess it’s not really worth it to have someone on-call who would probably get paid $25 an hour to drive around looking for dogs and possibly not end up succeeding. You might as well take that $25 and buy 4 homeless people dinner.

I went home again and grabbed more treats and found him at the park again scaring all the other dog owners. The dog took off again from the park and got away from me. I hope he’ll be okay. I went to go buy ice cream after.


Windstorm and Skinny Cokes


The other night there was a minor windstorm that knocked down tree branches and electricity. I didn’t mind it at all except someone took the opportunity to steal our recycling bin but left the contents on the lawn. At first I thought maybe the wind blew it away but highly unlikely. This gives me an excuse to stop recycling.

Coincidentally, I picked up a candle holder for free just 2 days before. If a power outage isn’t a sign to use your new candle holder then I don’t know what is.


I should “pin” this

A bad windstorm is no joke. Last time trees fell on houses, cars and people. It’s a shitty way to go. You don’t want to get hugged by a tree.


These new Coca-cola cans are looking attractive but just like a fat person in slim fitting clothing it’s all a sham. They made them taller but skinnier to not take away the appearance of quantity. The contents are now 310 ml instead of 355 ml. It’s the Virginia Slims of soda cans. The price has remained the same though. The entire food industry has been shrinking everything and raising the prices only when they enlarge the package so it looks more justifiable. Luckily for junk food manufacturers there’s a health movement rising.  They can claim they are giving us less because it’s good for us and say they are raising the prices because they are trying to deter us from consuming too much of their bad products.



Free Stuff

On the way to McDonald’s(don’t judge me) I passed by a box of “free stuff” on the sidewalk. Immediately I was astounded by the other person’s junk when a comparatively vibrant Winnie the Pooh thingy stuck out. It might be a cookie jar. I’ve never met anyone who owned a cookie jar. Do they only exist in fairy tales?


Not bad for free. This is my redemption for not picking up the Planter’s Peanuts jar last time at a thrift store. I also picked up a solid Buddha that is according to a label stuck on it is supposed to be a candle holder.

Having my honoured guests with me attracted a lot of stares. Of course though because people eating and minding their own business does not make for a very entertaining spectator experience. A fly buzzing around could get mass attention.

A former semi-coworker walked in and I got her attention. She worked at another location but I remember seeing her from time to time. She tells me there’s been high turnover at my location and I suggested it’s because I inspired everyone. There’s been people who quit to go on to something possibly better but never anyone who just quits because they just don’t want to do it anymore. I told everyone, “it’s either quit or stay here forever.” It’s almost tombstone worthy.

On the way back I garnered many stares with my new babies. I decided to pass by the free stuff again to pick up a scooter. The nice thing to do may have been to leave it for a kid but I decided that I should have it because I didn’t have anything growing up. Ya, that’s it…mine. I’ve now decided that I’m going to sell it for $5 at the yard sale that I plan to have this summer. I’m sure someone will try to talk it down to $3.50.



This TV was probably $3000 at one time

The Writing is on the Wall


Bob’s Subs is a food joint that serves okay food for a cheap price which will bring in a certain clientele. The ketchup bottles are sticky and the ambiance is 2 or 5 stars depending on what you’re looking for. In a tucked away corner you can get free admission to an art show where it wouldn’t surprise you to find a used condom on the floor.


While eating your bacon and eggs you get to entertain yourself with legendary prose. This is where teenagers left their thoughts before YouTube came around.


It’s good to stop and reflect on the things you gloat about. Whenever this young man/woman feels down on life they remind themselves that at least they are taller than Nikki.


There’s something enlightening one can take away from all of this.


I’m utterly surprised that no one defaced Jesus or his disciples. You would think someone would have felted in a beard and devil’s horns. Perhaps there is such a thing as honour in this world. Or maybe there’s something really nasty behind there like a drawing of a giant penis. Which came first?…Jesus or the graffiti. Many long time patrons that were interviewed had conflicting answers. One man said the restaurant used to be a church. Another claims the Jesus rug just appeared one morning unbeknownst to the owners. I tried to get an interview with the old owners but they have passed on.