Non-active Gym Membership

When doing the math, $4.99 plus tax every 2 weeks on a 1 year commitment could only be so bad. I suspect this gym had the same idea. A week after I signed up for the gym membership I crashed my car which resulted in a total loss. I walked to the gym a few times after but eventually gave it up. Now I’m the best type of customer that they have…one who pays but never goes. The bad customers take up space, stink up the place and contribute to wear and tear of the equipment. They should throw customer appreciation parties for customers like me.

It’s a classic case of human behaviour. Optimism is at its highest when an idea is just an idea. People often rationalize the high likelihood that they will commit. Everything works in theory. Once the idea requires physical effort it no longer seems like such a good idea. Now you rationalize ways on how it’s okay to stop going and how the money that will be wasted isn’t that much. You tell yourself that walking your dog is plenty of exercise and the money wasted is only half of what you received for Christmas. I’d like to see the stats of active memberships versus non-active. I’m sure it’s part of the business plan.

There’s a reason why businesses make you sign contracts. They know that people are losers and will often fall into the trap of convenience and laziness. When video stores were around they thrived on late fees. People would often put off returning videos until the last day and when that day came they forgot or their house burned down. With enough life experience you start to say “no” to every enticing offer not because it’s not a good deal but because you know your loser tendencies. Accepting offers are often a bet with yourself.

In the past I have made good use of my gym memberships but it just didn’t happen this time. It’s just been too inconvenient without a vehicle(excuse). I do mini-workouts by randomly dropping and giving myself 20 or doing pull-ups on the monkey bars when there’s no children around. I still have half a year to redeem myself with my gym membership so we’ll see what happens(rationalizing hope).




The dog is snoring right now and for some reason coming from her it’s adorable. When a human snores, all that you want to do is put a pillow over their face. A person snoring is like someone playing a trumpet poorly when no one wants to hear it. You give them a break though because it’s supposedly not their fault. Fault or not, in many circumstances in life the person of annoyance has to go or be killed. It’s not some psychopath’s fault that they love to kill people.

In a more uncivilized environment I’m sure the snorers would be the first to die by the hands of their own tribe. You would lay there at night hearing the rumbling and murder would come across your mind. Do we really need him? In the darkness of night no one would see and by morning no one would care. Celebration with silence. Goodnight.


Free Stuff

On the way to McDonald’s(don’t judge me) I passed by a box of “free stuff” on the sidewalk. Immediately I was astounded by the other person’s junk when a comparatively vibrant Winnie the Pooh thingy stuck out. It might be a cookie jar. I’ve never met anyone who owned a cookie jar. Do they only exist in fairy tales?


Not bad for free. This is my redemption for not picking up the Planter’s Peanuts jar last time at a thrift store. I also picked up a solid Buddha that is according to a label stuck on it is supposed to be a candle holder.

Having my honoured guests with me attracted a lot of stares. Of course though because people eating and minding their own business does not make for a very entertaining spectator experience. A fly buzzing around could get mass attention.

A former semi-coworker walked in and I got her attention. She worked at another location but I remember seeing her from time to time. She tells me there’s been high turnover at my location and I suggested it’s because I inspired everyone. There’s been people who quit to go on to something possibly better but never anyone who just quits because they just don’t want to do it anymore. I told everyone, “it’s either quit or stay here forever.” It’s almost tombstone worthy.

On the way back I garnered many stares with my new babies. I decided to pass by the free stuff again to pick up a scooter. The nice thing to do may have been to leave it for a kid but I decided that I should have it because I didn’t have anything growing up. Ya, that’s it…mine. I’ve now decided that I’m going to sell it for $5 at the yard sale that I plan to have this summer. I’m sure someone will try to talk it down to $3.50.



This TV was probably $3000 at one time

The Writing is on the Wall


Bob’s Subs is a food joint that serves okay food for a cheap price which will bring in a certain clientele. The ketchup bottles are sticky and the ambiance is 2 or 5 stars depending on what you’re looking for. In a tucked away corner you can get free admission to an art show where it wouldn’t surprise you to find a used condom on the floor.


While eating your bacon and eggs you get to entertain yourself with legendary prose. This is where teenagers left their thoughts before YouTube came around.


It’s good to stop and reflect on the things you gloat about. Whenever this young man/woman feels down on life they remind themselves that at least they are taller than Nikki.


There’s something enlightening one can take away from all of this.


I’m utterly surprised that no one defaced Jesus or his disciples. You would think someone would have felted in a beard and devil’s horns. Perhaps there is such a thing as honour in this world. Or maybe there’s something really nasty behind there like a drawing of a giant penis. Which came first?…Jesus or the graffiti. Many long time patrons that were interviewed had conflicting answers. One man said the restaurant used to be a church. Another claims the Jesus rug just appeared one morning unbeknownst to the owners. I tried to get an interview with the old owners but they have passed on.


We Weren’t the Champions

In grade 7 we had our very first basketball team. A bunch of adults decided that it would be a good idea to get all the grade 7 basketball teams from surrounding schools to compete in a tournament.

As an exhibition game one of the schools came to our turf for a game. We were confident going into the game. They smoked us 48 to 8. At that age, a good indication on who will win the game is the team with the most guys who have hit puberty. When it comes to school sports, having as many people as possible who failed grade 1 is an advantage because being a year older they’re more likely to have hit puberty before everyone else. Puberty is basically a process of inducing anabolic steroids. It’s the difference between a man and a beast.

With our hopes crushed our coaches seemed confident that we would come in at least 2nd to last place in the tournament. We wanted to believe it because we didn’t want to be the shittiest team. If you know you’re going to be the shittiest team then you might as well not show up and give the honours to someone else. Heck, you’re better off going to watch and laugh at whoever comes in last. Looking back, it was a fairly irrational hope that we weren’t the worst. To believe that we weren’t would mean there would have to be a team out there who could score less than 8 points. For you non-basketball fans out there, a basket is worth 2 points which makes 8 points seem even less impressive.

There were 6 teams in the tournament and 4 of them smoked us by a wide margin. Our last game was against that team we were supposed to beat. We lost. Any plans to join the high school basketball team next year were diminished. It was just going to be comprised of the best players from each team who crushed us so what would be the point? With my basketball career over, the following year in grade 8 I picked up smoking, hooky and failing 5 out of 8 courses.


Daily Prompt: Champion

Why Did…..?

When I searched the internet today I typed in, “why did…” and the 3 suggestions that Google offered were…

  1. why did I get married
  2. why did ww1 start
  3. why did trump win

Google didn’t give me what I wanted until I typed the first 2 letters of the next word it correctly guessed what I was looking for. One day it’s going to be able to read our mind.

Why did I get married?

Because you’re stupid. Just kidding. Pick one of the following…love, fear, money, boredom, accidental pregnancy.

Why did ww1 start?

I learned this in grade 12 history class. Something to do with someone assassinating a political leader and something to do with a powder keg in the Balkans.

Why did Trump win?

Because life is a joke.

Are there that many people interested in WW1? Do millions of people need someone else to tell them why they got married? I suppose getting married can be like going to college after high school or getting your driver’s license when you turn 16…it just seems like the next step.


Plumbing Problems

A constant stream of problems in life makes me want to follow Buddhist teachings. The best way to not have problems is to not have anything. Desire and attachment lead to suffering. Why suffer for desires and attachment when they are all temporary anyway.

Coming home to two puddles of water in two different areas of the home is a cause for concern. With a single puddle one can tell themselves that maybe the dog took a giant piss. Waiting for the plumber to diagnose and give you a quote is similar to the anticipation of the doctor telling you how severe your cancer is…you know it’s going to be bad news but you don’t know how bad. Luckily I arrived home when I did because a few more hours would have flooded the whole house.

The first plumber that you call will be the plumber that will have you by the balls. If you don’t like his price then your other option is to tell him no and pay him $300 for his time. Then you have to find another plumber if you can, and hope that their price is much better and that they’ll do just as good of a job. If you can’t find one then you might be stuck without water for at least another day. First plumber advantage can put at least a 25% premium knowing that you’re in a shitty position. Why encourage your kids to go to college when they can be a plumber?

So as you may have guessed I signed off on letting him fuck me up the ass. Plumbers probably get more anal sex than pornstars. He came back the next day with some other guy and spent 10 hours repiping . It appears as though he did a good job but I wouldn’t know if he didn’t. They left and 20 minutes later I walked into the garage for whatever reason and I hear this drip sound. I couldn’t believe it. Another leak that was unrelated to the other one. I called the plumber and luckily he came back. I kind of made him believe that it was related so that he would feel obligated to come back. I know, I know, I’m a shitty person but when it’s 7 PM and you have a leak you have to put honesty away for another time.

He ended up fixing the leak for free but the section of the attic above the garage was full of wet insulation. I spent the next day doing yoga in the attic pulling out insulation. I found a dead rat while I was up there. It appeared to have died a peaceful death nestled comfortably under 16 inches of yellow insulation. It was dry and hardened enough to be jerky meat.

And now the dog has been having diarrhea.