The dog is snoring right now and for some reason coming from her it’s adorable. When a human snores, all that you want to do is put a pillow over their face. A person snoring is like someone playing a trumpet poorly when no one wants to hear it. You give them a break though because it’s supposedly not their fault. Fault or not, in many circumstances in life the person of annoyance has to go or be killed. It’s not some psychopath’s fault that they love to kill people.

In a more uncivilized environment I’m sure the snorers would be the first to die by the hands of their own tribe. You would lay there at night hearing the rumbling and murder would come across your mind. Do we really need him? In the darkness of night no one would see and by morning no one would care. Celebration with silence. Goodnight.


Chasing a Pit Bull

At the local park I was walking my 8 pound dog when I saw a pit bull running around without an owner. I picked my dog up because she’s often an annoyance to other dogs when she barks in their faces. No manners this dog.


The pit bull did a couple laps around the park and then took off somewhere. I took my dog back home and decided I was going to hunt after the pit bull. It’s probably not what most people would advise doing but I had nothing better to do. Being bored is often the catalyst for the downfalls in life. You stare at the dead hooker on your bed and wished instead 3 hours earlier that you just kept watching CNN but nooo, you were bored.

I grabbed some dog treats, went back to the park and there it was again. As it came closer it became apparent that its head was too big for its body which made it more intimidating. It also kind of had that liquor store dog look. You know, the kind of dog a beggar in front of the liquor store would own.


I figured if I sat on the concrete bench table it would be harder for him to maul me. He wasn’t realizing I was throwing treats his way at first. He kind of just took my treats and walked away until I started scratching him. Once I stopped the free body massage though he took off again. I guess I should call the dog people. The dog people were closed but the recording gave me a phone number. That phone number went to a person who gave me a phone number. That phone number gave me a person who gave me a phone number(they only dealt with dead dogs aka roadkill). That phone number went to a machine and I left a message.

I guess it’s not really worth it to have someone on-call who would probably get paid $25 an hour to drive around looking for dogs and possibly not end up succeeding. You might as well take that $25 and buy 4 homeless people dinner.

I went home again and grabbed more treats and found him at the park again scaring all the other dog owners. The dog took off again from the park and got away from me. I hope he’ll be okay. I went to go buy ice cream after.


Poo Inspector

In order for my life to be good the dog’s health needs to be as well. I don’t have the tools or knowledge to do a thorough daily examination so I resort to monitoring her poo. It’s something to be thankful for when your dog pushes out a good looking turd.

When she pushes out a suspicious one I think about what she might have eaten and also consult with the internet. There’s a checklist for a healthy dog and human turd but it makes me wonder how can one conclude what a healthy turd should consist of. There’s apparently an ideal size, shape, colour and buoyancy but I don’t think there’s been a study done on producing healthy turds. Even if they have done one who was the control group? Did they take the healthiest dogs and humans, feed them what they thought was the healthiest diet, examine their poo, choose the most common turd produced and use that as the benchmark?

When your dog doesn’t push out a good looking turd in public it’s embarrassing especially when every other dog is pushing out champion defecation matter.


A Relationship Closer to Dog

Some want to find a way to be closer to God. Some renew their wedding vows in hopes of rejuvenating their love for each other. I have become closer with my dog by almost killing her.

As her personal head chef I believe I made her sick by feeding her a rotten steak. At first glance the steak didn’t look too great but it passed my sniff test, and any leftover doubts I had was erased by the notion that cooking it would make it okay and that also, dogs have stronger stomachs than humans. Would I have eaten it? I really don’t think so.

The following days there was diarrhea then diarrhea and vomiting. Dr. Internet prescribed the vet if symptoms persisted after 24-48 hours. I thought to myself that I would never go see the doctor that soon if I had the same symptoms. But once she started becoming lethargic in the morning I really started to worry and also felt supremely guilty. I felt so guilty that I let the vet upsell me on x-rays for $173 that gave me nothing but a blurry glimpse of some of her insides. It was a low pressure sales pitch but it felt like an upsell. She said it would be the best route to do everything in one shot. After we found nothing from the x-rays there happened to be something else we could do…blood panel work. I declined and she said it was definitely okay that I just take her home with the meds and go from there. Grand total: $365. Funny enough, the 2 dogs after me were also in for diarrhea. Diarrhea might be a veterinarian’s brown bread and butter. It’s like non-violent drug offenses for privitized American prisons.


She’s not sick in this photo but it’s similar to how she looked like

I don’t regret the x-rays really because during the presentation she mentioned something about pancreatitis and how too much fatty foods would do it. I started thinking about all the times I fed the dog scraps of fried meat and the huge dog treats my mother would give her every morning. At least I walked away with some valuable information. I used to think that dogs couldn’t be that sensitive because they’re supposed to be descendants of wolves. If that theory is correct my dog must have evolved from a long line of mutated midget wolves.

The whole week I stayed by her side, trying to get her to eat, giving her medicine, watching if she drank water and anticipating her crap sessions. I think I mastered making meals that she likes. She’s picky but I’ve found that I can trick her into eating most things if I put a little bit of meat from pork neck bones.

It’s was a horrible feeling thinking that I caused another living creature several days of discomfort. She depends on me and I let her down because I was careless. Seeing her sad face and slow body movements was killing me. She appears to be better now. I won’t be fully convinced until another week because that’s just the way I am.  I was so delighted to finally see a well-formed, dry stool. Sometimes the best things in life are shit.





Doggy Double Standards

Shit gets stuck to the dog’s bum fur sometimes and I get the pleasure of cleaning it. Luckily she is an 8 pounder so I can hold her in one arm while the other arm is holding her tail back so that the water from the faucet can rinse most of the crap away.

Sometimes I don’t notice it right away, which will give her opportunity to lift her hind legs and drag her bum on the floor creating her own shit masterpieces.

Having a dog sit on your lap is like having a naked human being who never wipes their butt sit on your lap. If dog shit is cleaner then I guess an exposed dog anus is better. If it is cleaner though it doesn’t smell any better.



Annoying Dog Owners

Some people strive to have a closer relationship with God. Some people unexpectedly become best friends with their dog. This dog has been the main bitch in my life. I walk her, bathe her, feed her, rinse her bum and talk to her like she has an idea what I’m even saying. Oh you’re so cute you.

I thought I headed to the park late enough for the usual dog walking gang to be back home but it wasn’t so. I had no choice but to merge in with them.

It’s annoying when you’re stuck with parents talking about their kids in detail.

Today, Jayden smiled every time he took a sip of his orange juice. He doesn’t like too much pulp.

Haha…Sarah does that too but only when she is watching The Power Puff Girls.

Dog owners are no different especially if the ones who never had kids and use their dog as a substitute.

I can’t say ‘walk’ in front of Pookie otherwise he’ll get all excited. 

She even knows when we spell the word out. We have to use code words in front of Zola. 

If you say so but dogs are pretty dumb. People like to think their dogs are so smart. Maybe, but only compared to a dog that is really retarded. My dog is a bona fide idiot. She is cute though, I’ll give her that.



Living With My Mother

It’s been about 2 months since I’ve moved into my mother’s place. Some may wonder if I’m planning to live with her for the rest of my life. To that I say, no, but maybe for the rest of her life. I haven’t lived with my mother for 10 years but not because I wanted independence so badly but because location wise it was inconvenient. Also, when I first told her I was moving out temporarily she saw that as an opportunity to rent out my room. With a cross-dresser living in my room waltzing around in his French maid getup, it made moving back not an option. The first time I had met him he was eating a sausage with no bun.

In terms of my mother’s schedule, it wasn’t much different than it is now. She’s out the door at 9 AM and doesn’t come home until after 11 PM for 6 days of the week. Yep, 14 hours working at a restaurant like she’s been doing for the last 40 years. When I was a kid I would be gone to school before she woke and asleep before she came home. Now that I don’t have a mandated bedtime, I see her for 15 minutes before I go to bed. If I wanted to I could have cocaine and hooker parties from 11 AM to 11 PM.

Instead of parties though, if I’m not volunteering I’m cleaning and making improvements to the home like the good stay-at-home-son that I am. There’s also other duties that I tend to such as automobile, technology and English comprehension needs. I get the sense that she likes me being here and I think the dog feels the same way too.


Spoiled Dog