A Great Time To Be Alive

It’s been said that the invention of the washing machine has had a bigger impact on people’s lives than the internet. As my dog attempted to jump onto the couch a piece of shit fell out of her butt. It’s a similar situation to when a person is naked during a strip search and asked by the officer to split their butt cheeks apart and cough hard. I say “attempted” because for whatever reason she chose the highest part of the couch to clear.

As I confronted her about the mishap she felt bad about what had just happened and went to her bed where she then peed all over. It’s been raining very hard these past few days and even though there’s a doggy door to the yard she is very reluctant to go outside in the rain or snow. When her bladder and bowels are full it only takes a slight move in emotion for the flood gates to release.

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The washing machine is a blessed piece of technology yet I live the majority of my life wearing semi-clean clothes instead of thoroughly rinsed and spun material where I would be able to breathe in the nice scent and go aahhh. Why do I wait until I’m down to the last piece of underwear to think about doing laundry? Why do I put myself through frantically looking for an acceptable semi-clean shirt by doing sniff tests? That’s just the human condition.

It couldn’t be any easier to wash clothes. You gather them and huck them in the machine, pour some soap, spin the dial and pull, and walk away. Not a lot to ask in exchange for a continuing rotation of clean clothing. Any easier the clothing would have to self-clean.

I picked up the dog’s bed and did what I had just described. It will be dry by tomorrow morning and it will be like no one even wet the bed. Life is good.

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About a Dog

A dog sitting on your lap is the same as having a naked hairy guy sit on your lap who doesn’t shower or ever wipe his ass. I probably have fecal matter all over my jeans.

The dog has 24/7 access to the yard through a doggy door but has a tendency to hold out until I take her for a walk. I know this because I can see the business almost coming out of her butt while we’re walking to the nearby park. I suspect she gets enjoyment seeing me pick up her mess. When someone is picking up your fresh poo all the time you know who is the boss. At the vet yesterday she decided to unload a hot turd in the middle of the reception area. Luckily, no one was there and it was a healthy turd that didn’t leave marks on the floor.

Over time she’s found ways to optimize her life around me. She probably brainstorms these ideas when she’s lounging in her bed for most of the day. What else does she have to do?

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It’s the bonus they give you when you let them upsell you

 

Ode to Dog

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Before I moved in here the dog was living a borderline rescue dog life. She was alone 14 hours of the day and in darkness for half of those hours during the winter months. The lowest point was when my mother was keeping her in the bathroom for the whole time while she was at work. She didn’t want her pooing or peeing on the carpet. I suppose if your bloodline is only one generation away from when they ate dogs then locking them in a bathroom might not seem so deplorable. Also, this somewhat recently purchased 35-year-old rancher might be seen by some people as a starter home but she sees it as her dream home. Living your first 50 years in poverty gives you a different perspective on everything.

The relationship I formed with the dog was gradual and unintentional. Slowly I began optimizing her lifestyle by changing her diet, going for walks, brushing her teeth daily and wiping the snot from her eyes multiple times throughout the day. I retrained her to go do her business outside in the yard instead of on those pee pads. Rather than being a pain in the ass, washing her feet after a walk or cleaning her butt has just become something I have to do.

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I discovered there was a doggy door already installed that was hidden behind a shoe rack. It’s possible that it was used as a cat door in the past. It took some training to get her to use it but now she uses it like a pro. It’s probably enriched her life tenfold. I’m praying no raccoons will ever find their way through there.

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For most of my life there was always a dog wherever I was living but I never had the intention to care for them. Somewhere along the line I decided I was going to with this one. Perhaps it has something to do with the stage of life I am in now or maybe I was trying to fill a void. It becomes a whole new experience though when you care for a dog instead of just owning one. I believe it can make you kinder person.

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This is when I say, “look at you you’re all tucked in.”

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Breakfast beside bed

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It’s getting annoying

I wish these people would start picking up after their dogs.  Although, I can see myself wanting to get away without picking up after dog’s bowel art.  Well, as you may have guessed I stepped on dog crap again while working.  I’m averaging once every month and a half.

Everytime though, I don’t notice until I start driving and smell dog crap.  Very first place I look at is where I usually walk in to see if there are any shit residues.  Almost always there is.  Of course the final test is looking at the bottom of your shoe.  Yep, there it was on the toe quadrant of my shoe.  So I go to pull over where there’s grass and pour water on my shoe and do a few wipes on the grass.

The crappy thing is I know I walked into a customers building before I wiped it off from my shoe cause I smelt it after that delivery and I know I had to of stepped in it a delivery before them cause they’re surrounded by concrete.  Oh well.  Hopefully they suspect a few other people.

The weird thing is after I step in crap I start thinking about it and I start cracking up.  I don’t know what it is.  I start imagining people I know stepping in shit and looking all pissed off and I can imagine how funny that would be.  I’m not even sure why humans find stepping in crap so amusing.  I’m cracking up right now while I’m writing this.  I bet you most of the time after someone steps on dog crap the first words out of their mouth is “shit.”