It’s usually more about the idea than anything

What kind of title is that?  A title from a person on Christmas Eve who’s not quite sober and not able to think of anything more clever.

We all have these beliefs of what is good, bad, right, wrong  and I’ve come to believe our beliefs hardly ever stem from much truth or fact but instead the attachment to the idea.

The idea of family, friends, marriage, money, vacations, love, admiration, status, reputation, labels, you name it. It’s almost like a religion where you live by a teaching just because it’s part of the program.  It’s what you’ve built your life upon so you have to defend and support its existence.

We’re more in love with the idea instead of actually believing in these ideas.  Our actions show how much we really believe in the importance of these ideas and the actions hardly ever match the words.  We only believe in these ideas cause it makes us feel better about our lives.  Gives us something to live by and live for.  Any half ass analyzation of these ideas would lead you to the truth which is these ideas are usually BS.  We’re humans though.  We have the ability to lie to ourselves and block out any truth that might make us feel bad about our existence.  We’re too afraid to hurt our own feelings.



Depressed or at Peace?

It’s really difficult to really know if you’re depressed or not.  Depression is suppose to be a chronic version of sadness.  Have you ever read about the possible symptoms of depression?  It’s like a mile long and everyone has a couple of symptoms whether you’re depressed or not.  Sleep too much? Don’t sleep enough? You’re depressed.  Loss of appetite? Eating too much?  You’re depressed.  Shit, I guess I’m depressed?

Sometimes I wonder if I’m depressed.  I have no zest for life, nothing seems important, living or dying doesn’t seem to matter.  I feel all the things that everyone chases and desires would not bring me that much happiness for very long and are not that worth maintaining.  Everything just seems so fake.  Sounds pretty depressing, doesn’t it?

On the other hand I look at all the things I continue to engage in and a depressed person wouldn’t tend to do these things.  That’s what I think anyway.  I eat healthier than probably 80% or maybe even 90% of people in the western world.  Shit, that’s a pretty bold statement.  Hmmm, that can’t be true can it?  Anyway, I’m pretty health conscious.  I also workout regularly and enjoy it.

My whole life I based happiness and life upon ego and selfishness.  The closer my life imitated TV and movies the closer I thought my life was to being something great.  I believed your life was as good as your experiences and stories.  Is it a shitty life?  Not really.  You have to be lucky though to strive for a life of ego and have it work out for the best.

I think I could live a life of self indulgence though if it was easy.  Like if I won the lottery or something and just spent my days doing whatever I felt and never had to worry about working or struggling. Ya I could do that.

These days I’ve found a new light to life.  Being nice to people and not putting my myself and my ego as first priority.  The idea for many people seems to be the more they gain the happier they’ll be and being selfless is like being a sucker.  It’s hard to break free from that belief.

What does it mean to be at peace then?  I’ve been thinking about this and to me there seems to be some similarities to being depressed.  Doesn’t being at peace mean you’re not really bothered by much?  Doesn’t it mean you also don’t get excited about much as well?  You’re just middle path.  You don’t hang on lows or chase the highs.  You just don’t care?

Who knows.  Maybe I’m some of both.  I look at my life and there seems to be some things missing.  No people, purpose or anticipation for the future.  At least I don’t think there is.  It’s ok though.  I know going through life with the mindset I had for most of my life was not the way to go.  Maybe it’s like kicking a drug habit.  You have to go through a shit period before you get to the good spot.





Clean your place, clean your mind

It’s one of those things in life that have been swept away from our consciousness and buried under decades of life evolving rubble.  For most of my life I never saw the real benefit of keeping a place clean and tidy other than the fact that it was more pleasing to the eye and pleasing to my mother.
As we go through life we usually never have a difficult time collecting more stuff but have issues with letting them go no matter how useless they are to us now.  We don’t see it affecting us cause it happens so gradually similar to the aging process.  You see yourself in the mirror and you’re like whatever but when you see a picture of yourself from just a few years ago you’re like, “*%$#@(*.”

Just like all the crap and messiness in your home it happened slowly and your mind slowly adjusted to its new surroundings but was never pleased.  Imagine you left a clean and tidy home and the same day you came home to a tornado of a mess.  It would be unacceptable and you would probably do something about it right away.  It happened too fast for your mind to accept such a drastic change.  It’s like waking up one day with a wrinkly face.  You’d freak out and do something about it even if that something was jumping off a building.


Not too long ago I decided to just throw out anything I probably would never need and declutter my place.  I wanted my place to be as space efficient as possible.  I didn’t care that most homes had a coffee table, if it was taking up too much space and I could do without it then it had to go.

When mission was accomplished and the dust settled I realized something.  This became more than just a cleaning project.  It became a realization that it was something spiritual.

Once there was less of everything in my environment there was less my mind had to deal with.  Having my belongings in an organized manner sent visually less confusing projections to my mind.  The inside of my home was much more simpler which brought a kind of peace to me internally.

The coffee table was a representation of conforming without being conscious and the realization of its unimportance was sort of an awakening.

A home is a lot like life.  It starts out empty and along the way you add things.  Some things stay with you for long term and others not so much but there’s probably a bunch of things you don’t need and should get rid of.  It’s hard to let go but if you don’t it’s just another obstruction.  You think by adding more to your home or life will make it more positively evolved but often the less you  have the more simple and peaceful your life will be.


Are you happy?

How do most people come up with an answer when they are asked this?  I have a few theories.

A common one is to never show weakness and always say “yes.”  Doesn’t matter if their husband left them for a younger woman or if their wife left them for a big black man last week, they will always say, “yes.”

Probably the most common one is trying to figure out their happiness on paper and then root on the side of happy.  It’s like paper happiness.  You would think of things in your life you like vs the things in your life you don’t like so much and if there is more wins in the happy column then you’re happy.  If the happy column is losing and it’s the 4th quarter you just have to trick yourself and add some ringers to that team.  You always hear people say something like, “ummm ya, overall I’m happy.”  Isn’t it you’re happy or you’re not?  I don’t know, I guess you can be so so happy and so so not so happy.  I think in this kind of situation there’s probably a big aspect of their life they don’t like but they have something that keeps them going like kids or retirement.  Or beer.

To show you I’m not completely cynical, negative or too real I do think there’s a good number of people who are genuinely pretty happy.  They will tell you they’re happy cause that’s just how they usually feel.  I can’t say I’m that way.  I generally have a “whatever’ feeling or when I’m feeling positive I’ll say, “I can’t complain.”  I’m too honest.  That’s why it’s so hard for me to get a date.

I think to be one of those genuinely happy people you really have to be living life the way you want.  You have to have supportive and accepting people around you.  Staying healthy by sleeping, eating and exercise always helps too especially when you get older.  You definitely can’t be concerned with keeping up with the Joneses.  Being able to let go is a big one too.  Not just with past situations but with thoughts and ideas that hold you down.  Being selfish don’t help at all either.  Being able to give just to make someone else happy and to not even expect appreciation shows there’s at least some happiness in you for sure.

So am I happy?  I definitely can’t define myself as happy.  I don’t feel it.  I’m very happy about some things but happiness is not usually my state of mind.  Although, I’m going through something right now that is somewhat depressing me but I don’t feel like talking about it here.  I do remember though just a while back when I had not much and nothing plaguing my mind, I was pretty happy.  I had next to no social life and stayed home a lot but I was feeling very positive.  Looking towards a more spiritual path did wonders for me.  I guess I’m not immune to the bruises from the bumps on the road of life.  I guess like everything else though it will pass.  Like gas.

Be true to yourself

For a good number of us our lives are often dictated by the environment we’re surrounded by.  We’re really just a bunch of computer chips following our programming and for probably most of us we have at least some viruses installed.

My whole life I’ve been thinking in ways and doing things that were not aligned with my true self.  This is mostly due to my surroundings, fear and lack of wisdom.  I never had any good guidance in my life so it was left up to me to figure out my life.

I was always at least partially trying to be someone else I wasn’t.  Trying to fit in as best I could without totally selling out myself.  I knew deep inside what wasn’t right for me but peer pressure and fear always got the best of me.  This hindered my life.  I was robbing myself of potential happiness and absorbing misery.  I was also giving off negative energy.

It’s really hard to be yourself when everyone around you is so different.  When the whole world is telling you that you should be doing something you have no desire to do.  If you keep following this path though you’re just going to be left on the side of the road.  The ones that belong on that path will keep moving and you’ll just be stranded.  They probably ain’t coming back to get you either.

I still have so many days where I think to myself I should be doing my best to conform to society’s norms but I know for the most part it ain’t for me.  Usually those days I am my weakest.  When you’re feeling weak you look for the easiest way out.

I think one of the biggest reasons why people have such a hard time not following everyone else is the fear of not being accepted.  Feeling humiliated and alone.  Feeling like a failure.  I think for a lot of us there just isn’t enough truly supportive and accepting people around us.  Our own mind is just as big an issue most of the time.

You’ll always have some friends and family that will tell you how you should live your life.  They’ll sometimes do more than tell and lecture you like they know what’s best for you.  They have no place to tell someone the big decisions you need to make.  How can someone just tell someone else to make a big life changing decision?  If it doesn’t work out for you are they going to come save you?

One of the best things you can do in life is to be your own person and the more you’re suffering to be like everyone else the less you are going to be happy with yourself.

Actions say everything

We live in a society of so much fluff, kind words and unfulfilled semi promises.  No one says what they mean or means what they say.  Expectations that are given are never realized.

It’s always so easy to say that you care, that you will call someone or better yet tell them to call you that way you don’t have to do anything but when it comes down to it the actions hardly ever match the words.

Everyone always likes to say that they care just because it seems so nasty to say that you don’t.  You say you care about this person you call your friend but ask yourself in what way do you really care.  Just because you wouldn’t want to see them get hurt or die doesn’t mean you really care.  I don’t want to hear about anyone in this whole entire world to get hurt but it doesn’t put them in my actual caring category.

Often the case is that people only care about their own guilty conscience.  They care when this has to be cleared.  If they don’t know you’re in need then it’s all good but if you call them and ask them for help then they have to care.

Seriously, if you haven’t talked to a person you consider a good friend for several months and they live in the same district as you then you’re not really caring and you have to question the validity of your good friendship.  What would you call your friendship if you spoke even less than that?  It be pretty much nothing so what makes you good friends?

All the other people you care about in your life, how often do you talk to them?  Your mom, sister, wife, dog.  I bet you don’t go that many weeks without speaking to them.  I guess in this society, depending on the label of the relationship, certain ones carry some higher obligation and some less.  We’re always infatuated with labels.

People will think you have a f’d up relationship if you only spoke to your wife every other week but if you only spoke to one of your good friends every other year you would probably get a pass.  You know, life’s been too busy and all.  Or you just don’t really care.

Shit man, in half a year someone can get depressed and kill themselves.  You could have a friend like this.  I suppose you can say, “you didn’t know” but what’s the likelihood anyone in that situation will just call you and tell you.  I guess calling just to see how someone is doing is just too much.

If you really care about someone shouldn’t you make it a habit to call them.  No one is that busy to call anyone they care about.  If you are then you’re just too busy to care.  Follow through with your words and promises because someone might be counting on you.  Broken promises can pave the way to a lifelong path of negativity.  Spread the positivity and the compassion instead and hopefully we can infect the whole world one day.


Sounds sad already.  I think I’m going to try to make it inspiring or at least somewhat enlightening.  Suffering is one of the main Buddhist teachings.  Not teaching how one can be better at suffering but shedding light on what is suffering and how to alleviate it or more ideally, end it.

Most of us definitely don’t need any help on how to suffer.  We’re seasoned professionals when it comes to that.  We pretty much strive to suffer.   We live to suffer.  The idea is that without suffering there is no grand reward.  I think this is where we always make the wrong turn down endless suffering.

See, whenever you are putting your energy into something that causes suffering you are building your empire of suffering.  Your suffering will be the foundation of your life.

You suffer to get that education to get you that good job.  You do this so you can get the best wife you can, buy a house and raise a family.  You continue suffering at your good job to sustain all those things you have now that you dreamed of in the beginning of your suffering.  Your suffering knows no bounds. Your life becomes a question of how many more years you have to suffer.  Or you don’t attain all those things and you suffer from hating yourself

I guess what I’m trying to say is that when you begin a path of suffering it will become a long road of suffering.  You’re not following the path of your heart.

I hope to find a way to take my own advice one day.  Hahahaha…  I believe in it, I just don’t know how to execute it.  I think I know what I believe though.  Being able to do something that you really like doing and getting paid for it must be totally rad.  I mean really like it.  Not like what most people mean when they say they like their job.  When most people say they like their job, what they are really saying is that they like what they get paid or they like their job compared to anything else they think they can get or they’re friggin liars and really hate their jobs but are too proud to admit it.  What ever makes you feel better I guess.

Another thing I also believe is being yourself and making lifestyle choices that are aligned with your true self.  My whole life I’ve been hanging around people not like myself, going to places where I totally felt out of place, wanting and agonizing for a life that I didn’t really even want.

The problem is we all programmed ourselves to want the samething but not all of us really want it deep inside.  We all want the hot girl, big salary and admiration from our peers.  We tell ourselves we’ll do anything for it but truthfully not all of us have what it takes to attain and maintain such a life without suffering.

Seriously, I can picture myself living some kind of simple life and being happy but the issue I see with that is that not many people desire to jump on the simple life bandwagon.  I suppose that’s why everyone follows the crowd of society cause they don’t want to be left out and be alone.  Evolve or die?  Can’t beat them, join them?  I feel this way sometimes but I know it’s not right for myself.

You know you’re suffering when you think about winning the lottery too regularly.