Boring Stories

A piece of dental floss got stuck between my molars. Being unable to get it out I went to the internet to search for answers. My search seemed hopeless for answers while also frightening. On a student dental forum the consensus was that you might have to pull a tooth out. On another website some guy said a stuck piece of floss between his teeth caused an infection. I couldn’t believe that I might have to see a dentist for a piece of floss stuck between my teeth.

Brains work extra hard to solve urgent problems. Should I try to stick a needle in there? How about lighting a match and burning it away? I slept on it hoping my saliva would melt it away. After a whole day of eating and drinking I finally managed to get it out using another a piece of floss. I’m realizing now how this was such a boring thing to write about.

Boring Story #2

Last week I came to the conclusion that toy collectables increase in value faster than precious metals such as gold and silver bullion. People laughed at me when I had them drive me to meet up with some dude through Craigslist who was selling toy musician figures. A few years have passed since and the value has increased 3 to 6 times.

I went to IKEA to look for a shelf for these toy figures I’ve been buying recently. When I got there I saw a shelf that would work that was price at $25. I thought about the room it would take up, assembly, the money and I reverted back to minimalist mode which had me decide on plan B which was to take the stuff from my existing bookshelf and put it in a box.

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I buy figures for one or more of the following reasons:

  1. I think it will go up in value
  2. It’s on sale for a deep discount
  3. Childhood memory
  4. It’s so funny that I can’t help myself

C’mon, The Golden Girls! JAJAJAJA

You laugh now at my perceived immaturity but you just wait a few years and I’ll be sitting on a goldmine!

Life Can Be Semi-Amazing

One Asian guy and one white guy are in a pub. The white guy says, “you look like the guy who works at the hobby store?” The Asian guy jokingly replies, “no but we all look alike.”

Another Asian guy(me) walks into the pub. The other Asian guy asks, “is your name Peter Jung?” I said, “no but I guess we all really do alike.”

True story. It was funnier if you were there.

Even funnier, maybe, was that I was searching online since last night for a place to eat perogies and not that surprisingly the options are few and far between. Yesterday, I was talking to someone about the famous perogie man in town and it sparked a craving. He had a picture online of him holding a plate of perogies and sausage with fried onions.

This morning, I wasn’t able to find a place close enough to serve them ready-to-eat so I would settle for a place that would sell handmade ones to take home and cook. There wasn’t any of those either so I gave up and walked to the nearby pub to get some afternoon breakfast.

Lo and behold, they changed their menu and on the first page, perogies and sausage! A pub, nearby, serving perogies and sausage as a recent addition to their menu not even 24 hours from the time of my craving. It’s obvious someone with enormous powers is looking out for me.

Perhaps it’s not life changing but it just goes to show that anything can happen in life. This is like the equivalent of getting lung cancer from smoking one cigarette. The odds are tremendously low. I wanted perogies and sausage and the universe complied. Maybe it’s not that someone out there with magical powers is looking out for me but instead I have magical powers. The world is starting to revolve around me. I’ve tapped into The Secret.

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All I need to do now is use my powers to get them to fry the perogies

 

5-Speed Fears

When we were young if you voluntarily chose to buy a car with an automatic transmission because you didn’t want to drive a manual transmission then you were considered a wuss. That’s the PG term. What you were really labelled as was a fucking pussy. Maybe I’m being extreme. Let’s just say you weren’t cool.

One of the worst fears of having to drive stick was the possibility of having your car stall which was directly related to your clutch action. I’m not sure why it was so embarrassing but if you stalled, people would shame you. It’s one of those things that can feel significant at the time but it’s so insignificant that it won’t be documented for future generations to read about. In the year 2178 all that they will know is that we drove our own vehicles at one time.

Another cause for anxiety was the thought of having to successfully get your car moving when stopped on a steep incline. What if you roll into the car behind you? What if you can’t do it? What if the ground is wet? Burnt clutch! Ahhhh!

I had an unease with the idea of learning to drive stick but I figured if small Asian women could do it then I don’t have an excuse. That statement might come off as misogynistic and racist but it was just the way I rationalized it. In those days I would look to take the chicken route in most situations unless if I felt I had no good excuse. If a small Asian woman has more balls than I do then I’m not even worthy enough to be called a pussy.

 

Daily Prompt: Clutch

About a Dog

A dog sitting on your lap is the same as having a naked hairy guy sit on your lap who doesn’t shower or ever wipe his ass. I probably have fecal matter all over my jeans.

The dog has 24/7 access to the yard through a doggy door but has a tendency to hold out until I take her for a walk. I know this because I can see the business almost coming out of her butt while we’re walking to the nearby park. I suspect she gets enjoyment seeing me pick up her mess. When someone is picking up your fresh poo all the time you know who is the boss. At the vet yesterday she decided to unload a hot turd in the middle of the reception area. Luckily, no one was there and it was a healthy turd that didn’t leave marks on the floor.

Over time she’s found ways to optimize her life around me. She probably brainstorms these ideas when she’s lounging in her bed for most of the day. What else does she have to do?

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It’s the bonus they give you when you let them upsell you

 

Recent Photo Sales

Every once in a while I check out the stock photography website to see if I made any sales. In recent years the sales have dried up because my photos are ageing and the influx of people who became photographers overnight.

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Someone bought the rights to use the above photo a few months ago. I took this one back in 2007 with my new digital SLR. I remember how much I liked the diffused lighting. The caption I used to describe the photo had the word “Indian” which at the time I thought nothing of it. 10 years later I’m like, whoops. If there are some semi-inappropriate terms you like to use you better dig in now because you might not have the chance in a few years.

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This photo was taken in 2004 with a manual SLR using transparency/slide film. A magenta filter was attached to the lens and Photoshop was used to remove the bird shit on the lighthouse.

I got into stock photography from the professional photographer I used to assist. Back in his heyday all stock photographs were catalogued and sent to photo buyers such as magazine publishers. He was making $10,000 USD a month from commissions. And then the internet and digital cameras put a damper on his party. So many conversations will begin with, “Before there was internet….”

The question might be, why don’t I keep taking photos? I don’t want to bother listing off the excuses.

Casino Adventure

The casino is a 24/7 devil’s den that has ruined many who have taken too big of a bite out of the apple. In case you’re only on the fence of licking the sinful fruit it has plenty of alcohol to help push you over.

I went to such a place last night around midnight. The lights, sounds and the gathering of people is an attractive atmosphere.

“I’m going to the washroom,” I told my friend who just started at the roulette table.

When I came back he somehow managed to lose $200. “You lost $200 while I was in the washroom?” He was quite jovial for someone who just lost over a day’s wage in 2 minutes.

Over to the craps table we go. He asks if I know how to play this game. “Something about rolling 7s and double ones,” I reply. Casino games are often like baseball games to me, I’d rather just drink the overpriced beer and be a spectator. He on the other hand likes to drink and play. I think he broke even with his $100.

3 card poker? We’ve never heard of it but it doesn’t stop him. Within the first few games though he found himself unknowingly hitting a 50 to 1 payout. Following games within the next 10 minutes had him hitting other smaller jackpots. Within 15 minutes he’s up $900. The losers beside him aren’t too thrilled.

I encouraged this semi-degenerate gambler to walk away because I know his shitty track record. It’s 2 AM, we look for a cigarette machine across the street in the Poker Room. Nothing. I peeked my head inside and see about 40 men playing poker. I don’t think many of these guys have day jobs.

When you’re at the gas station at 2 AM you were likely to be doing unsaintly activities just previously. One young guy there was holding paper towels to his face. A bunch of guys had just badly vandalized his car.

We had a little chat before we retired for the night. As he smokes his cigarette he tells me he’s a Buddhist. “Get the fuck out of here,” I say. He insists though. I go on to list off the things that happened tonight that discredit his statement including the idea of visiting a hooker. I think the night was a success. He won and I didn’t lose.

Cheap Technology and Being Cheap

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For the past 2 years I would look at this injured piece of technology and tell myself, it still works. Yesterday it stopped working. I’m not a bargaining type of guy but when it comes to used technology devices you’re paying for something that is dying. I found this one through Craigslist which was listed for $160 back in 2013. Since the ad had been listed for 30 days I figured the person would take $20 less, and he did. Him being a 5 minute drive away was another bonus.

Today I used my rebate to buy a newer version for almost the same price. It’s an older model and an open-box. I’m not blown away like I thought I would be. This model is 3 years newer so it should be able to grow wings and fly, right?

They say spoiling your kids is a bad thing but I might disagree. If you give them the finer things in life while they’re growing up you’ll set a standard for them. They won’t settle for working an average job because it won’t even afford them what they’ve been used to. I spent the first few years out of high school working a shitty job because it provided me with all these new experiences like gravy with my french fries and having more than $20 in my pocket. I’m lying, I didn’t start ordering gravy until a few months ago.

I’m cheap to myself. Owners and servers of restaurants hate my type.

“What would you like to drink?”

Water.

“Would you like cheese or bacon on your burger?”

No thanks.

“Gravy?”

Is it free?

I’ll go to a dollar store and think I might be able to find an item cheaper somewhere else.

Lazy Halloween

7 hours of uninterrupted sleep should be sufficient but something about not getting that extra hour just ruins me. If I had to get up for whatever reason it wouldn’t be a big deal but that wasn’t the case. I ended up laying in bed for 5 hours hoping to fall back asleep. When that failed I got up and ate something. I spent the following 3 hours trying to fall back asleep. Once 4 PM rolled around I gave up and knew I had to nourish myself for the impending rush of kids coming for chocolate. I basically laid awake in bed for the same amount of time people spend the day working.

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Carving a pumpkin requires inspiration that I didn’t have today. I put it out there to let the little buggers know that I’m open for business. From my observations, 1 out of 3 houses were giving out candy.

Holy Halloween, the number of kids must have been double of last year. I ran out of chocolates and started giving out quarters. I don’t think you can buy anything these days for less than a dollar though. I saved a KitKat for myself.

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I put a fake spider in the bathroom sink to scare my mother and it was a success. Even after she realized it was fake she was still too scared to pick it up. I wonder if you could be charged with manslaughter if you put a fake spider in an old person’s shoe and they died from a heart attack because of it.

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Gardening Surprises

This morning I was in the backyard hanging out when a surprise caught my eye.

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Nearing the winter season, growing vegetables had subsided in my mind which is why slight euphoria hit me when I saw this baby bok choy growing in the middle of my lawn surrounded by weeds. A couple of thoughts hit me.

  1. I didn’t think vegetables could grow so well on a lawn surrounded by weeds.
  2. How’d the seeds get all the way there?

They’re always talking about the importance of soil amendments and pulling weeds in order for your vegetables to grow. The only amendments to the lawn were canine excretions. I also just remembered that in late summer when my plants went to seed I threw some on the lawn just for kicks. On my plot of soil where I grow things, none of the seeds that I planted in late summer germinated.

When you see one you look for others.

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Cilantro

An old blind lady I used to visit thought it was weird that I wasn’t sure what a cardigan was. I thought it was strange she didn’t know what cilantro was. I guess cilantro is not used in many Western dishes especially pre-fusion era. In poor countries they call a cardigan the sweater with buttons.

My pathetic tomato results may have been due to me being one month late in sowing the seeds. I bet you that is not one of the 7 habits of successful people. It wasn’t a hot summer either though. I’m surprised I even got these ones.

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What is the difference between a weed and vegetable? Looking at the lush weeds in my yard, they look just as fit to be eaten as conventional herbs and vegetables. Do they lack the nutrients? I don’t get it.

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Semi-conclusion: Weeding might be overrated. Weeds might be underrated.

To the Movies

Beginning where the farm market ends is an eastbound road void of pedestrians. I walk this road weekly as the last half of my 50 minute walk from my home to the movie theatre. Dump trucks driving by create a small hurricane of particles next to the deserted bike lane which is also the sidewalk. Along the way there’s horses, goats and a large vacant tall grass field where one might dump a dead body. I’ve seen coyotes there.

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An afternoon time slot is when I like to catch a movie. Often you can get a whole row to yourself and do not have to tolerate the sounds of crinkling popcorn bags or the smell of hot dogs. I’d rather deal with the odd lit up LED smartphone screen which has been made frowned upon but in this town the one that pays $15 for popcorn, candy and a soda is the boss. Guaranteed at least some of them are wiping their buttery digits on the seats.

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Glass not included

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Most films are as expected — not great but not boring. You know the movie sucks when you don’t care who lives or dies. When the lights come on I have a glance at my company. I see other lone patrons and wonder what’s their story. Having preconceived notions of strangers is my entertainment. Watching movies alone is a rite of passage.

Movie theatres could be a thing of the past one day. You can see the similar pattern of a slow demise that has taken down other old-time giants. Technology is chipping away at the incentives of going to a movie theatre.

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On the way home I join rush hour traffic which backs up the road. A single file of vehicles lose the race against my walking speed. A 50 minute walk each way and a 2 hour movie is almost 4 hours. Not bad for $8 and a few hundred calories. Am I killing time or cherishing it?

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