Sleepless Yesterday

For the past while I’ve been regularly waking up way too early for reasons unknown. The only substance I’ve been abusing is decaf coffee and that’s not even every day. Self-diagnosing has me believe I’ve been wrecking my brain somehow.

Yesterday I may have woke up at 5:30 AM because my tongue was dry as summer bark. Not being able to fall back asleep I laid there for 4 hours hoping that listening to boring radio shows would help me doze off.

For some reason I decided to get up to look at my breaking fence. After inspecting it I thought what the heck, why don’t I try to fix it. I had a hope that my obese carpenter cousin would help me out like last time but I was confident it wouldn’t be the case.


It’s falling over


I had watched him last time so I had an idea how to do it. It opened a new portal to another dimension. My next-door neighbour has one of those brick barbecues that I think are so cool. Seeing that the other side of the fence was painted the colour of their house, it had me wondering who is responsible for this fence? Is it 50/50? If it’s 50/50 but he refuses responsibility then I’ll have to use this portal more often to occupy his barbecue as compensation.

This project had me pulling out an assortment of tools that I’ve been collecting but never really used. I went through a period where I would just buy tools that I didn’t need if they were on sale.

When the dog heard some ruckus she came out and sat their watching the whole time. I think she wanted to go through the portal.


The dog is nosy



Not perfect but satisfactory

It was actually fairly easy and quick. I’m hoping the fix will last a while. Relying on people forces you to keep good relations but can prevent you from realizing you can do a lot on your own. For most of my adult life I had my friend do my income taxes until I decided I didn’t want any part of my life held hostage for favours or potential favours. It’s unfortunate and liberating at the same time. It took me 10 minutes to do my first ever tax return online. If you want motivation to be nice to everyone then you should think about becoming a real estate agent.

4:00 PM rolls around and I still haven’t been able to fall back asleep neither have I eaten breakfast yet. After having 4 scrambled eggs with onions I decided I would go walk to the movie theatres to watch 47 Meters Down. It was a good movie in the sense that it had my attention the whole time and there wasn’t anything stupid about it like the girl killing the shark with a palm strike to the nose.

On the way home I saw a young woman claiming her prize from someone else’s junk on the sidewalk. It was an old mini bar fridge. It had that same brown colour that televisions used to have in the  mid-80s.

“How far do you live?” I think this was my way of offering to carry it home for her.

She was eating a water based frozen treat and I could see the package of Playtex through the plastic bag she was holding. As I walked closer towards her I could see the many skin sores all over her arms. I hate to judge but the ones who don’t judge are the ones that end up dead in a ditch. The possibility that she’s a drug addict and the 5 block walk carrying a mini bar fridge was enough for me to not carry through with my half-offering. I probably would have though if she asked. My curiosity gets the best of me.

500 Hours of Community Service

I was cordially invited by email to a gathering by the volunteer agency that took place today to accept a piece of paper of recognition. I knew it was going to be boring but I decided to go anyway because you never know what can come out of it.

There were shitty free sandwiches that came out of it but I kind of expected that. The egg salad sandwiches must have had only half an egg inside each of them. It was more like egg spread. They say you shouldn’t complain about free food but I disagree. I called out my former manager for serving us 2 day old dry buns. If you’re begging then you can’t complain about free food, otherwise you can revolt.

So I received my certificate of appreciation for over 500 hours of volunteer service…my greatest accolade since posting my 500th post on WordPress. I gave my acceptance speech where I thanked my mother, Jesus Christ and all my fans.

An old guy received his certificate for over 1000 hours.

“How long did it take you to get 1000 hours?”

“8 years. It takes a while. It helps that I’m retired,” he replied.

I too am retired but I’m halfway to where he is and it only took me a year and half.

The other guy sitting beside me was a young guy just finishing high school. He was there to accept a scholarship for university.

“So what are you going to study?” I asked.

“Umm.. Science. I don’t know what I want to do.”

To motivate him I said if the next time I saw him he wasn’t on his way to being a doctor, I would burn his house down.

On the bus ride home I was thinking how being a bus driver is an important job. A lot of jobs are important, they just don’t always feel very satisfying. Providing an important service for the community doesn’t feel that great because you’re not very connected to the people you help and sometimes you feel very replaceable. It’s not like the patrons are always that gracious either. When someone’s getting paid to do something, some see it as permission to treat them as a lower entity.

A bus driver is a somewhat sought-after position where I live because it only requires a high school education and the wage is close to $30 an hour. There’s not many jobs like this left. I thought about it at one time(not really) but I decided I would rather pick up and deliver packages instead of people. I can tell every package to “go to hell” if I want to and not have to worry about the repercussions of social media. Packages don’t complain or have any rights.





Old Guys in the Neighbourhood

There’s this old Chinese guy who is always doing stuff to his motorcycle that I see sometimes when I walk my dog around the neighbourhood. I asked him a couple questions about his motorcycle and then 10 steps later he calls me back to the trunk of his car. He pulls out a pamphlet and starts talking Jesus with me.

“When I was living in Hong Kong I used to smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a day, drink a whole bottle of Johnny Walker, gamble, say bad words…..”

I was just waiting for him to finish the sentence with, “and have sex with hookers,” but it didn’t happen. I know he was thinking it though. Sometimes you just get the feeling.


I told him I would say the above prayer but I haven’t got around to it yet.

Today I was walking back from buying a straw hat when I bumped into the old guy who lives across the street from me. I was walking behind him for a few minutes, he was wearing shorts and kept staring at his right leg. I haven’t decided yet if he’s just wearing one of those blood pressure socks or if it’s a fake leg. It doesn’t look like a real leg but you never know with old people.


Just about an hour ago I was at the park with my dog. I was chatting with this other old guy and another guy who was about my age. When the younger guy left the old guy said, “I want to give you….”

“A million dollars?”

“No,” he replied.

I know the look. I could tell it was going to be weird. He started going off about the Lemurian Plug which I never heard of. If he laid his cell phone against mine I would get the “frequency” and I wouldn’t have to every worry about brain cancer. With the frequency installed I could also remove all toxins from cheap wine and cigarettes. He went on about holograms and I started bracing myself for the worst. He better not ask me to touch his penis. 

He got me to put my feet together and then pulled my left arm downwards once without his cell phone in my right hand and once with. I know that trick. If you want to make the person go off balance you kind of pull towards the side. “See, I couldn’t knock you off balance with the phone in your hand.”

I wonder if people see me and think, “hey, this guy looks stupid.”

Chasing a Pit Bull

At the local park I was walking my 8 pound dog when I saw a pit bull running around without an owner. I picked my dog up because she’s often an annoyance to other dogs when she barks in their faces. No manners this dog.


The pit bull did a couple laps around the park and then took off somewhere. I took my dog back home and decided I was going to hunt after the pit bull. It’s probably not what most people would advise doing but I had nothing better to do. Being bored is often the catalyst for the downfalls in life. You stare at the dead hooker on your bed and wished instead 3 hours earlier that you just kept watching CNN but nooo, you were bored.

I grabbed some dog treats, went back to the park and there it was again. As it came closer it became apparent that its head was too big for its body which made it more intimidating. It also kind of had that liquor store dog look. You know, the kind of dog a beggar in front of the liquor store would own.


I figured if I sat on the concrete bench table it would be harder for him to maul me. He wasn’t realizing I was throwing treats his way at first. He kind of just took my treats and walked away until I started scratching him. Once I stopped the free body massage though he took off again. I guess I should call the dog people. The dog people were closed but the recording gave me a phone number. That phone number went to a person who gave me a phone number. That phone number gave me a person who gave me a phone number(they only dealt with dead dogs aka roadkill). That phone number went to a machine and I left a message.

I guess it’s not really worth it to have someone on-call who would probably get paid $25 an hour to drive around looking for dogs and possibly not end up succeeding. You might as well take that $25 and buy 4 homeless people dinner.

I went home again and grabbed more treats and found him at the park again scaring all the other dog owners. The dog took off again from the park and got away from me. I hope he’ll be okay. I went to go buy ice cream after.


Free Stuff

On the way to McDonald’s(don’t judge me) I passed by a box of “free stuff” on the sidewalk. Immediately I was astounded by the other person’s junk when a comparatively vibrant Winnie the Pooh thingy stuck out. It might be a cookie jar. I’ve never met anyone who owned a cookie jar. Do they only exist in fairy tales?


Not bad for free. This is my redemption for not picking up the Planter’s Peanuts jar last time at a thrift store. I also picked up a solid Buddha that is according to a label stuck on it is supposed to be a candle holder.

Having my honoured guests with me attracted a lot of stares. Of course though because people eating and minding their own business does not make for a very entertaining spectator experience. A fly buzzing around could get mass attention.

A former semi-coworker walked in and I got her attention. She worked at another location but I remember seeing her from time to time. She tells me there’s been high turnover at my location and I suggested it’s because I inspired everyone. There’s been people who quit to go on to something possibly better but never anyone who just quits because they just don’t want to do it anymore. I told everyone, “it’s either quit or stay here forever.” It’s almost tombstone worthy.

On the way back I garnered many stares with my new babies. I decided to pass by the free stuff again to pick up a scooter. The nice thing to do may have been to leave it for a kid but I decided that I should have it because I didn’t have anything growing up. Ya, that’s it…mine. I’ve now decided that I’m going to sell it for $5 at the yard sale that I plan to have this summer. I’m sure someone will try to talk it down to $3.50.



This TV was probably $3000 at one time

The Writing is on the Wall


Bob’s Subs is a food joint that serves okay food for a cheap price which will bring in a certain clientele. The ketchup bottles are sticky and the ambiance is 2 or 5 stars depending on what you’re looking for. In a tucked away corner you can get free admission to an art show where it wouldn’t surprise you to find a used condom on the floor.


While eating your bacon and eggs you get to entertain yourself with legendary prose. This is where teenagers left their thoughts before YouTube came around.


It’s good to stop and reflect on the things you gloat about. Whenever this young man/woman feels down on life they remind themselves that at least they are taller than Nikki.


There’s something enlightening one can take away from all of this.


I’m utterly surprised that no one defaced Jesus or his disciples. You would think someone would have felted in a beard and devil’s horns. Perhaps there is such a thing as honour in this world. Or maybe there’s something really nasty behind there like a drawing of a giant penis. Which came first?…Jesus or the graffiti. Many long time patrons that were interviewed had conflicting answers. One man said the restaurant used to be a church. Another claims the Jesus rug just appeared one morning unbeknownst to the owners. I tried to get an interview with the old owners but they have passed on.


Soundgarden Night

A few years ago the band Soundgarden came to town. I wasn’t a huge fan but I liked their music. As we walked towards the entrance in the underground parking lot the security guards stood up from their chairs. “It’s okay, you don’t have to stand for us,” I said.

“These are decent seats,” one of them said. They did their pat down and metal detector check. Suckers, you missed the drugs. Along the way to our seats we bought some overpriced beers. Also along the way I saw this Asian girl that I sort of knew. She used to have long hair but had shaved her hair since. She was part of the janitorial staff that night. “What are you doing here?” she asked. I thought it was a stupid question but whatever. My guess is that it was too odd for her to think that a couple of Asian guys would be into rock music.

The arena wasn’t close to a sellout but there was enough people to show that the band hadn’t been forgotten. There were some single men around us who were probably in their 20’s when Soundgarden was at the height of their fame in the mid 90s. There comes a time in a single person’s life when they realize if they don’t start going out alone they may never go out again. So they say, fuck it, let’s do this.

“Ahhh.” It was something new I tried that night. The middle-aged, portly guy two seats to my left asked, “what’s wrong?” I told him I put something up my nose. That was the first and last time I did “special k.”

Halfway through the show the concert staff said we could go down a tier to better seats. My guess is that keeping the animals in one area made the security efforts easier. Like most concerts I only have a vague imagery of the events. As hard as I try to burn a memory in my brain forever it never works. All I know is that I was there.