Don’t Be A Pussy

“It’s hot as fuck” is what many people are saying and thinking around here. They’re also saying, “ohhh, tomorrow is going to be even worse.”

When the weather becomes extreme I can’t help but feel relieved that I will not be delivering parcels in it. Icy conditions are far worse because there’s an element of danger and anxiety. Heavy rainfall is preferred over temperatures in the 30 degree Celsius range. It’s ironic that dry temperatures instead of rainy ones cause wet underwear.

In the winter when I woke up to snow on the ground the first thought that entered my head was that it was a good day to quit this job. By not quitting, I’m not sure if that meant I was manning up or if I was being a pussy.

“You quit because of the snow? You’re such a pussy.”

“Why are you afraid to quit your parcel delivering job? You’re such a pussy.”

“In life, you have to do what you have to do. Don’t be a pussy.”

“In life, you have to take chances. Life is too short to hate your job forever. Don’t be a pussy.”

I’m going to use the word “pussy” a lot because I know “they” are going to make it socially illegal soon to use it.

Last night around 9 PM, there was an electricity outage for roughly 2 hours. I was sitting in front of the home with Baby the dog getting hunted by mosquitoes when I decided to get in the car and drive. We did a highway run so that I could excessively speed in a safe manner while listening to Heart. On the way home we drove by the movie theatre and I was delighted to see that the parking lot was mostly full.

In the spirit of practicing gratitude, tomorrow I’m going to have a nice sushi lunch approximately the same time as my former co-workers are lifting boxes in the extreme heat. Cheers to not having to wear thick polyester shorts in the blazing sun.

Garbage 2.0

While searching for personal belongings to sell or dump I became aware of how the survivalist mentality activates. Knowing that I haven’t used an item for 10 years wasn’t sufficient enough for me to convince myself that I won’t need it one day. “You never know, maybe this, maybe that, maybe I’ll need these blank CDs one day to ward off evil spirits.”

I dug up stacks of used and unused blank CDs, some of them from 15 years ago that contain files of photos or pirated software. There was a big box of DVDs, Blu-rays and CDs that I forgot I even had. There’s some good titles but I wouldn’t bet that I’ll ever be dying to play any of them. At least half of my clothing could be donated but I like that logo on that shirt, and that one too. Basically, I’m trying to get myself in a position where if I was forced to live in a van I would be able to fit all of my belongings in there. Perhaps there’s some foreshadowing happening here.

Also in the bag of unwanted items is a 1st generation webcam. It crossed my mind that maybe one day it’ll be a collectors item but it also crosses my mind that if I buy a lottery ticket I might win. The last time I used that webcam was in 2007.

Other items nearing the usefulness of a rotary telephone:

-16 GB USB 1.0 drive
-720p webcam
-2.4 GHZ wifi booster
-Sony 2 GB digital music player

They seemed like a cool idea at the time but not quite. It was a gift from my former employer for having nerd attendance or maybe it was my 5 year anniversary. I used them for like an hour in total. I don’t think I could even give these away.

My last home cleanse was 10 years ago when I also had a big box of DVDs which I donated to the library. The manager there was delighted with my donation. “There’s some great titles here. Think of us again please,” he said. I told him DVDs were going to be obsolete soon but he disagreed. If I brought the same box of DVDs in today he’d probably tell me to screw off and direct me to the garbage bin.

One of the used crystal ashtrays I recently bought is parked on my bedside. In my imaginary life the first thing I do when I wake is light up a cigarette to help me brace for the long day ahead at the factory. As I slowly smoke my cigarette hoping the seconds on the clock follow my pace, I remember that I forgot to pack my lunch. “Darn it,” I think to myself. Now I’ll be 5 minutes behind my regular schedule. Oh well, I won’t scrape the ice off the rear windows of the should be okay. Oh my, life.


There was a piece of dental floss stuck between my molars for 2 days that found its way out today. Of course I had to smell it and I guess of course it freaking reeked. It had been marinating in bacteria with the help of acidic saliva. It stunk so badly that I had to smell it multiple times. I suppose it’s similar to having a cotton ball stuck up your ass for 2 days — it’s going to stink really bad. The first thing I did after was brush my teeth and then rinsed with mouthwash. The second thing I did was walk to the supermarket to buy another bottle of mouthwash as I intend to use it regularly again.

The manager at the volunteer office emailed me today to inform me that I have reached 1000 hours of community service. Let’s see Jesus deny me entry through the pearly gates once I show him my credentials. I don’t think he can.

My recent behaviour is leading me to believe that I might give up on life sooner rather than later. There’s been an increase in consumption of microwavable frozen meals. At least with fast food I would have to make a trip and expend calories each time I wanted food. With MFMs I can stockpile them until the zombies come home and never have to venture out into the dangerous world for fuel for weeks. To add to this trend I have been contemplating supplementing with meal replacement drinks which don’t even need to be microwaved or chewed. What’s stopping me is that I don’t like the price for a 6-pack of Boost or Ensure. I believe it would be much cheaper if I just drink a glass of milk with a multi-vitamin.

Lately, I’ve been working but not working hard, on trying to not be such an ungrateful son of a bitch. People typically believe that they will be happy forever once they get what they think they want. In many unfortunate cases, people achieve their ‘dream’ by unknowingly signing their life away to a temporary high. Nothing will make you happy forever but many things can make you miserable forever. Hopefully, you like some of what you have, and if you don’t, hopefully you have a way out.

I like the following comment from a YouTube video:

I’m near their age. I’m 81 years old. One thing that brings you happiness in old age that is hard for a young person to understand, is however my life has played out, I got the chance. By the time you’re 81, you know dozens of people that died much younger, in their 30’s and 40’s and 50’s from accidents, suicide, rare diseases, you name it. So just by being alive still, my heart fills with gratefulness that I got at least 81 years to experience life. When I was young, I would have thought that sounded pathetic, to be so easily made happy that waking up and having chats, or reading the paper, or walking outside would fill me with joy. When you’re young, that’s never enough. You feel like you need to leave your mark and make a big name for yourself. But a funny thing happens as you age. You live long enough to see some people you know become big shots, became rich or famous in some way, but most aren’t made much happier by it, and some become lost when the notoriety fades. And then loving life for the small things starts to shift from feeling pathetic and small, to feeling wise and full. In fact, if life has taught me anything, it’s that the reason we’re here is to be present with the priviledge of each moment, as much as possible. Thinking about your goals tomorrow matter of course, and cherishing yesterday’s memories. But more than anything, I think what has kept me healthy and happy is appreciating the priviledge of each moment. When you’re a little kid, that’s how you think. You appreciate recess at school, or going down a sliding board, or a walk through the woods. DON’T LOSE THAT. That, whatever that is, is the reason we’re here. Being connected to small moments so strongly that they feel large. If you can do that well, you can enjoy being 80 as much as 40 or 20.

So, if there is an absence of a good reason to hate your life then don’t hate your life. If your life could easily be much worse then be thankful. Today may be as good as it gets. Something to remember when your mind starts spiraling towards negativity for no useful reason.

Friday Defeat

After eating a chocolate bar for dinner while laying in bed, I felt like such a loser I had to write about it. My previous meal to that was microwavable frozen macaroni & cheese. I just referred to the chocolate bar as a meal. I’m withholding additional information because I’m too embarrassed to reveal it publicly. My only redeeming action today was that I took Baby the dog to see an old lady who adores her. Baby doesn’t much like the elderly because they have dry and shaky hands.

While eating dinner in bed tonight, I was scrolling through this woman’s Twitter feed. She’s often griping about everything including her self-proclaimed shitty life. She’s in her 30s and poor. The future of this world could have a lot of her type roaming around. She hates capitalism and every 10 days or so she’ll ask strangers on Twitter for money.

“buy me a drink?”

“want to buy me breakfast?”

“I ran out of money. Anything would help.”

Every now and then I check out her Twitter feed mostly because it makes me feel better about my life. I’m less embarrassed to admit to this than the Doritos I ate after the macaroni & cheese. It may appear low of me to get good feelings from the misfortunes of others but it’s just another form of practicing gratitude. I wouldn’t get as much pleasure from this though if she wasn’t such a miserable human being who also blocked me on Twitter.

After seeing the many tweets from many Twitter users regarding not having money, I have concluded some thoughts:

  • Don’t not have money
  • If you don’t have money then you’re going to have to cut costs regardless of what you believe you’re entitled to

If you live in a developed country then chances are you have the opportunity to earn more than enough money. Often, it’s a matter of if your want for more money exceeds your desire for your present comfort. It’s a free country, you get to choose.

It’s been over 5 years since I quit my most recent full-time employment. Since then I could have studied and worked to be a certified plumber, as an example. You, also, could be a certified plumber who could charge someone almost anything when they take a giant shit and clog their toilet. “I bet you like taking shits. I’d bet even more that you would pay a lot of money to be able to do it again.” That’s how impolite you can be when you’re a plumber. “Pay me or forever hold your shit.”

Much of the woes that non-old people feel from their financial hardships are attributed to seeing the elders in their family spank the monkey their whole lives and be able to live a comfortable existence with a pension in the end. Life was really hard for a long time and then fairly easy and now not as easy. People have difficulties adjusting on the way down. So anyone want to buy me a chocolate bar?

Disclosure: The author owns shares of Twitter and laziness. The author may have also laid in bed for 3 hours after waking up in the morning.