Shots & Bears

In previous Canadian generations, people were forced to fight wars and risk getting their balls blown away. The closest resemblance to war for myself has been having to wear a mask for a year and getting a vaccine shot not in my balls. The morning of my vaccine shot appointment I woke up with a sore right shoulder. That same day I retired with a sore left deltoid from the shot. Sleeping has been slightly more difficult. Woe is me. Do you feel sorry for me yet? This is what trench foot must have felt like. Maybe in 20 years people will wear poppies on their deltoid to give thanks for our sacrifices.

Immediately after my vaccine shot they put a small bandage on me which reminded me today of how Uncle Bill thought bandages were for pussies. He didn’t use that terminology but it must have been what he thought since he always advised me to not wear one. “If you wear one of those the wound won’t scab up.” I took the bandage off today to find there wasn’t even a dot of blood.

With cameras everywhere anyone of us can get our 15 seconds of fame. If you wear a bear costume and steal parcels off of people’s doorstep, you’re almost guaranteed to get on the news. If you don’t want to be a thief in a bear costume then you can take a shit on people’s doorstep instead. If it’s not illegal to wear a bear costume in public then what’s stopping any of us from wearing one every day? If I had an employer and a bear costume, I would wear it to work and say to my manager, “if he can wear a dress and she can wear makeup then why can’t I wear my bear costume?” They’ll pause because they’re afraid of a lawsuit and bad publicity. They’ll call their legal department to confirm if wearing a bear costume violates any contract that I signed but they’ll be lost with the definition of “inappropriate.” Does my bear costume offend anyone? Probably not. It’s unorthodox but so was Marvin’s dress 5 years ago. I identify as a bear so go F yourself. They’ll be lucky if I even speak at all because on most occasions I’ll just roar.

Thrifty Conquests

If there is a duty to be fulfilled I will gladly get out of bed in the morning without any resistance. Much can be done while laying in bed with a smartphone including phoning stores to inquire about peanut brittle. My second call proved successful with the clerk at the chocolate factory answering enthusiastically, “yes, we do.” So I drove the 20 minutes to pick up 2 lbs of peanut brittle made on-site. Goddamn is this stuff good. I bought 4 bags to give some away to friends that I don’t have which means I bought them all for myself. I could gift them to some people in the neighbourhood but I don’t want them thinking that I like them or that I want us to be friendlier to each other.

On my way home I stopped by a thrift store to look for crystal ashtrays. I didn’t want to add to my collection. I just wanted to know that they didn’t have any available or that it wasn’t cheaper or better than the ones I bought. I’m a neurotic son of a bitch. While I was there I had a glance for something similar to my childhood milk glass. God was on my side twice today.

You wouldn’t believe what I also came across at the thrift store. I recognized a wedding favour from a wedding I attended over a decade ago. It was a shot glass with the name of the bride & groom with the year on it. Why wouldn’t someone keep a shot glass? It’s small and has utility. Does that attendee now detest the married couple? Did they die and have their belongings donated? Did this attendee pick up the shot glass and say, “meh, fuck em.”?

In other food news, I ate pork rinds for the first time yesterday and if I had to categorize them under “gross” or “not gross” I would put them under the former. They’re dry and gross which would go well with beer. If I had to guess they’re something poverty stricken American southerners eat. They’d go well with some sauce but you can say that about dog shit too. As unpalatable as they are I can eat them because I’m used to eating gross shit. The one thing pork rinds have going for them as a snack is that they’re super low on carbohydrates but so is dog shit.

Watching the El Chapo series on Netflix makes me feel like a pussy. These guys walk around life risking everything including having their eyeballs taken out and I think twice of jaywalking on a sunny day. It must be such an incredible feeling to go for it all while not giving a shit about your life. Sometimes the fewer options you believe you have the more freeing life is regardless of how poor the options might be. In our comfortable civilization, people voluntarily shackle themselves to safety only to sacrifice life. They tell themselves that they “made it” when in reality they made nothing.

New and Used Shopping

At the time of writing there is a premium meat pie in the toaster oven waiting for my attention. I had just been sitting around having trouble deciding what I wanted to eat in a world where you can have anything you want. This state of mind is similar to having difficulty deciding what to watch on Netflix, Amazon Prime Video, or YouTube. “I don’t know what I want to watch,” in a whiny voice is thought by millions every second of the day.

My money tree has grown out of its original planter and needed an upgrade. Planters are expensive. They’re expensive enough that they’re worth stealing from someone else’s property. Even on Craiglist it is troublesome finding one that is cheap and close enough that you’ll ignore its flaws. So I reluctantly bought brand new.

Planter: $20
Plant Stand: $20
Soil: $8

Leaving the tag in case I want to return it in 3 years for a store credit

Today I met up with a Craigslist seller to look at ashtrays. I seldomly smoke cigarettes but maybe I will have guests that will. Or maybe I just wanted to buy an ashtray for I’m nostalgic for the 1980s where an ashtray could be found on every table of the home next to a rotary telephone. “Hello? Marvin, it’s for you!”

“Coming!”

I’m so nostalgic that I bought 3 for $10 each. The seller said they’re made of crystal, brand new and made in Germany but I’m not convinced. Before meeting up with a Craigslist seller I always ask myself would I still be interested if anything that could be a lie is a lie. Who even smokes cigarettes in the home anymore? I was thinking of who I could give an ashtray to for a gift but as I scanned the neighbourhood in my head there weren’t many eligible possibilities because hardly anyone smokes cigarettes. People have pussied out by engaging in vices where no one can see or smell them like taking painkillers and eating too much cornbread.

My plan for the night is to continue watching El Chapo on Netflix. It’s similar to Narcos and every other drug cartel story where the main character is an ugly Mexican or Colombian who is engulfed in a world of betrayal and bribes. I’m a sucker for shows based on a true a story no matter how loosely based on a true story.

This blog post is brought to you by needing a distraction while I wait for my $10 frozen pie to be heated.

Pies, Birds, LSD, Life

On Friday I typed a letter to my neighbourhood supermarket.

“Up until some point in the year 2020, this store prepared their ready-to-eat chicken pot pies with a crust all around the filling. This does not appear to be the case now as there is only a crust on the top of the pie. I believe with a crust only on the top should disqualify this item as being labelled a pie. This is now like a sandwich with only one slice of bread. How disappointing would that be? You would have to eat your one-breaded sandwich like a pizza. Also, the pies are now 10% more expensive. I’m paying more money for a lower quality item. I highly doubt that I’m the only person who is disappointed with your crustless-bottomed pies. Is there any chance that you will revert to the previous recipe?”

Today I received an unhelpful canned response but I didn’t expect anything more. Will I have a talk with the store manager about my disappointment? I don’t know. If I do, my actions will resemble that of a typical public protester who is protesting mostly because they have no life and nothing to lose. I believe though, if a group of us make a big enough stink about the pot pies then they will to something.

Two years ago I bought a hummingbird feeder which I did not put to use until last week. My best reason for procrastinating is that I had no sugar in the home. There was a tweet I came across recently:

“When you procrastinate you pass the buck to your future self. The problem is your future self tends to act a lot like you.”

To my delight, I have seen a hummingbird stop by to have a drink.

Procurement of a tab of LSD was successful. The last time I did LSD was in 1995. I highly doubt it will be a similar experience since I’m not the ignorant and oblivious teenager I used to be. Someone well into their adult years can carry a substantial load of anxiety and melancholy. I’ll probably do half the tab and see how it goes.

The oddity of life on an individual basis is that the most important aspect is how we feel. Everyone can view our life as relatively or absolutely good but we have a natural ability to complicate how we feel with our perceived unique experiences which may not have satisfied us in the manner in which we would have liked. The ego may be to blame for this as well as the knowledge of our finite existence. Within our limited time there are finite stages which we believe should be lived accordingly to our beliefs. The feeling of failure in any stage often results in negative feelings that can carry on to the next one. Failure in consecutive stages is often devastating. Your movie thus far is a tragic comedy at best made for other people’s pleasure. It would appear that some people are able to alter their feelings to align with a rosier preferred view but in all likelihood they too are suffering but on a different path. Whether or not people resolve their issues before the lights go out is debatable since a method of measurement does not exist. Regardless of how one feels in the end; life does not care. Life will say, “thank you for your service” or “good riddance.” If you can feel good no matter the circumstances then you have successfully stuck it to life.

Growth

Some guy at the park mentioned that he wanted to grow a marijuana plant which inspired me to want to grow a marijuana plant. I went and bought a 4-pack of seeds, potting mix and then while I put it all together I decided that I might as well start some tomato and cilantro plants. This experience is another lesson in how things can happen if you just start. I don’t have much of a clue on how to grow cannabis plants but I have a feeling that some people make it sound more difficult than it really has to be. I had cilantro plants grow on my lawn by literally throwing seeds there and allowing nature to do the rest.

This guy at the park is 54 years old and is likely getting an early retirement package from his boomer job due to the ramifications of COVID. He’s at that age now where he’s been with the company for an eternity which has resulted in him being old and overpaid. Before COVID, he was planning on working a few more years but since having a year off of work he has come to realize he was on a treadmill. Humans have a tendency to remain in their routine if the idea of changing it brings fear. The treadmill you know is better than the devil you don’t. Again, that might have been Confucius who said that or maybe his understudy.

As for me, I have a tendency to put myself in precarious situations with stocks when I do not necessarily have to. Two months ago I had ample supplies and was on a hill high enough so that any flood would not even touch my feet. I’m still sitting on top of the hill but I have eaten all of my food and the water has been rising. I’m safe but I don’t like wet feet and especially do not like wet underwear. Wet clothing dries but you’re limited with what you want to do when wearing wet socks undies. If things get bad I may have to eat my own regurgitation for awhile.

My young friend at the liquor store will be working his last day there this week. Last time I met with him I discovered that he’s very into psychedelics. My first pressing question to him was, “so can you get me some LSD?” He believes psychedelics are responsible for positively changing his life. I’m going to really miss having him so nearby because I truly enjoyed dropping by to talk to him. The conversations I would have with my former high school friends who are almost twice his age aren’t even half as stimulating. I suppose it’s because he’s curious about life and not closed off to new ideas. The general population does not want to explore ideas that do not align with their comfort zone. They’re afraid everything they believe which frames their lives might collapse under the slightest pressure.

Food

Last night, like a nerd, I was watching the replay of the Berkshire Hathaway annual meeting and one of the old guys was eating peanut brittle. I’m not very aware of what peanut brittle is but it strikes me as something all old white people know about like crumpets and sarsaparillas. I’m going to buy peanut brittle tomorrow is what I thought at that moment. At the mall today, the woman at the chocolate shop said peanut brittle is a seasonal item. Godiva is no longer operating there since covid happened but peanut brittle is probably too untrendy for them anyway. When brick & mortar lets you down then you must resort to the internet. Amazon sells peanut brittle but at roughly $30 CAD/lb. I may try it for shits & giggles. If you have stories of your grandfather and peanut brittle, please comment below.

My province has been in a lockdown for a month which means no indoor dining. These lockdowns have been saving me money. If I do takeout I go to McDonald’s because they offer me specials on their app. $2 Big Macs or go fist yourself. I’ve been using disposable gloves to eat my Big Macs so that I don’t get grease and sauce all over my hands. I probably look weird but I’m quite sure that I’m brilliant and people will follow my lead. Along the journey of greatness you have to be able to walk alone while everyone walks away from you.

There was a day last week when I made homemade macaroni & cheese which I ate all of it that same day. Also on that same day I had a Mcflurry fake ice cream from McDonald’s. Also on that same day I almost shit my pants 1 hour after the Mcflurry. I had to abruptly leave a conversation with the clerk working at the nearby liquor store. A wise person once said, “when one thinks they might shit themselves, nothing else in the world matters.” I think it was Confucius who said that. It’s not very economical to make your own macaroni & cheese vs the frozen type especially if you end up shitting yourself after. What do you do with underwear drenched in diarrhea anyway? Do you wash them in the bathtub and make 3rd world drinking water or do you put them in a bag and dispose of them in a public trash can? Does someone you know see you and ask, “hey, what do you got in there?” Do you say, “I shit myself just now so I’m throwing away the underwear.” “Oh,” they say. Does that person ever look at you the same again?

Scenario #2: That someone asks you what you have in the bag and you suspiciously say “nothing.” They don’t quite believe you so they come back later to the scene of the crime and dig up that bag to find your poo laden underwear. Joke is on them.

The quality of cheese is the most crucial ingredient

Disclaimer: The author is long Berkshire Hathaway, Amazon and McDonald’s shares at the time of this writing.