Hey Judie

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Dad – with all my love -your “baby” daughter – Judie

A senior citizen asked if I could fetch a big bottle of vodka and also some macaroni salad for her. She insisted that I pick up something for myself as well using her money so I bought a small bottle of gin. I’ve been to her place many times before but I never noticed the above picture before. “Who is this?”

Her ex-husband’s daughter was involved in a fraudulent stock scheme with her then boyfriend in the 1980s. “Oh, that’s her.” She had told me this story in the past. They fled to the United States to evade the law or the people they may or may not have ripped off. I forget the details.

I told her how fashionable and stylish she looked in the photo. I was even admiring her face, smile, nails, hands and choice of jewellery. The old lady added that she had big tits too. “Bazongas,” I believe is what she referred to them as. The woman in the picture is still alive today but much “heavier” now. Apparently, she cannot get herself up the stairs to save her life.

The old lady believes Judie screwed up by frequently taking mini vacations every weekend, spending all of her money and renting instead of buying a home. When the old lady kicks the bucket, Judie is supposed to inherit most of the value of the home which is a significant amount. I would imagine Judie believed the old lady would have kicked the bucket by now but instead she’s still alive at 92 years old.

There’s a saying about the stock market: the market can remain irrational longer than you can remain solvent. In this situation, an old person can remain alive longer than a younger person hoping for an inheritance. Life doesn’t care how big your tits were 40 years ago.

 

 

 

Good Nightmare. Bad Reality.

Last night I was having a suspenseful dream. The reason for the suspense I cannot remember. The only reason I can remember anything about the dream is because Oprah Winfrey made an appearance. It was dark out. I was inside my home standing by an open window looking outside while holding my dog. Oprah was standing outside and ran to my window. “Your dog is so cute,” she said. She then gave my dog a big kiss on her lips. I remember thinking, ‘a billionaire is kissing my dog.’ A notification from my phone woke me up right then. I had forgotten to turn my phone to silent.

Canadians are stupid too. It’s easy to get the impression that Americans hold the title for stupidity because of the media exposure American news receives. There have been anti-mask rallies across Canada. Here are some of the highlights of the Vancouver rally:

Apparently, wearing a mask gives you cancer and other diseases because of the recirculated CO2 that is inhaled and the restriction of oxygen.

The pandemic is a hoax. “Look! Do you see any carnage around us? No one is dying!”

Another protester went off about some kind of Bill Gates conspiracy. Upset at how we’re all so blind to how Bill Gates is trying to control the world, one man angrily says, “where have you been?”

Using a megaphone, one woman says, “there is no science to social distancing.”

And of course, freedom is a big part of the debate. By complying to wearing a mask you’re opening Pandora’s box. The government is encroaching on our freedom.

I don’t see why this COVID-19 virus can be looked at differently than the common flu or cold. For ages when someone is sick with the flu the first thought is to get the F away from them which is equivalent to social distancing. You also wouldn’t share a drink with them or want to breathe the air in their vicinity which is similar to why you would wear a mask.

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Guilt and Revenge

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Breakfast was a salad made from swiss chard picked from my garden

The movie theatre reopened recently and is charging only $5 to watch a film. Tuesday was usually the discount day and today was no different. A ticket to watch a film today was less than $3! I felt guilty that it was so cheap. It almost felt like stealing money from a homeless person.

Remember that girl who asked me to hold a camera for her that I have listed on Craigslist? She was supposed to show up yesterday but she didn’t, like the piece of carp that she obviously is. No email, text…nothing. I’m sure she made up a justification in her head so that she wouldn’t feel like a piece of carp. She’s the type of piece of carp that would pay $2.50 to watch a movie in a theatre and not feel bad about it. She would also probably take a shit in the movie theatre washroom that charged her only $2.50 to watch a film and not flush. Because she’s a piece of stinkin carp.

Coincidentally, someone else responded to my camera ad yesterday showing interest. I don’t usually believe in coincidences so I entertained the possibility that these two girls were gaming me. My guard came down when this girl revealed her skills. After a couple emails, she sends this one:

Hi there,
Would you accept $100? if not then $120 would be my offer for the camera!
thank you 
Did she just lowball me and then offer me more without waiting to see if I would accept?
I told her that I was sticking with $150 for now since I had a couple other people interested who would get back to me the next day. No one else was interested. I just told her that so she would get FOMO(fear of missing out). I knew there was a good possibility all of this would marinate overnight and she would make another offer.
She emailed me this morning.
Hi there,
Sorry again, wondering if there are any updates! If not, I am willing to pay $150 for it (after I gave it some thought last night) 
thank you 
For the second time today, I felt guilty. I’m never going to be able to run a Ponzi scheme. Hats off to Bernie Madoff for pulling it off for at least 17 years. People only see the results, they never think about the work it took to get the results. She was on time, a young, short, chubby, innocent-looking Asian girl. After a few minutes of showing her the different operations of the camera, she handed me $150. I gave her back $20 and told her to buy some film with it.

Now, getting back to that piece of carp girl. If she contacts me again about the camera I should tell her that I still have it and am so glad she responded. So glad that I’ll even lower the price for her. I’ll then arrange to meet her somewhere out of the way….and….not show up! Put that in your flaky pipe and smoke it. I know where she works so I’ll show up at her desk and take a crap on it. “This is how it feels when you don’t show up when you’re supposed to!” She’ll reply, “you didn’t have to do that.” By this time she’s fearing for her life, regretting being the piece of carp that she was and probably always is. And I’ll say, “you didn’t have to not show up!” I’ll walk out without even wiping my ass just to show how much I don’t give a shit.

10 years later she’ll track me down and give me a hug. “You know, because of you I changed my piece of carp ways. If it weren’t for you I would still be asking people to hold items for a week and not follow through.” I’ll accept her apology and grant her permission to have my name tattooed on her left buttock.

COVID and Goliath

Today I was overhearing 2 boomer ladies talking about COVID-19. One of them was downplaying it and said, “it’s only a virus.” Ebola is only a virus. AIDS is only a virus. It almost seemed as if she was comparing COVID-19 to a sore throat. Perhaps it’s not that surprising given that a 30-year-old guy in Texas intentionally tried to catch COVID-19 because he thought it was a hoax. He succeeded in contracting the virus and died from it. One thing worse than anti-mask people are COVID-19 parties.

Some states in America are having outbreaks that are worse than the initial peak. If you had ever wanted to dump on Americans this is one of the best times to do so. Vietnam, a midget piece of land compared to America, with a population of 95 million has had zero COVID-19 deaths. The Vietnamese are resilient though. They kicked out the French and the Americans, and make good sandwiches. It’s quite impressive. I’m bashing Americans today because the announcement that California has reversed its reopening plans is probably responsible for stocks declining after a great start to the day.  Developed countries in the west are full of young and old spoiled brats. Citizens in the west like to blame their governments for their unsatisfactory lives while they unnecessarily rack up credit card debt and stuff themselves with high-fructose corn syrup. Personal responsibility is not trendy.

The Anatomy of a Market

At the time of writing this post, Amazon stock is $3200 USD. Prior to this pandemic, Amazon was at an all-time high at around $2200. Somehow the market has decided while we’re in a middle of a pandemic the stock price deserves to be almost 40% higher than before all of this mess started. Whether if it’s the stock market or a wet market, prices don’t always align with what you expect them to be. You can compare it to presidential elections. People cast their vote and sometimes the results are not comprehensible.

Imagine that a big name musical artist is coming to your town and face value for tickets is $100. Tickets sell out and then a rumour comes out that it’s going to be the last time this artist will ever preform again. The market price for a ticket now climbs to $300. Maybe you wouldn’t pay this amount but enough people would which could increase the price even more. The stock market is no different. Conversely, the price for a bat cuisine is probably at an all-time low.

A few years ago I purchased an old camera I found through Craigslist for $60 when there were also a handful of other listings offering it for similar prices. At the moment the same model camera is listed for $200. I listed mine for $150 and someone responded the same day. Supply and demand. When a woman says she wouldn’t date you if you were the last man on earth, there’s a high chance that she would. Whether she comes to buy it or not is another matter. She asked me to hold it for her for 7 days. I told her to politely screw off. She then offered to send an e-transfer so that I would hold it for her. I replied that I would hold it for her since she sounded genuinely interested. No one else has shown interest for the camera but she doesn’t have to know that. She also doesn’t have to know that I would accept $100 for it.

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The Business of Business Cards

Yesterday I dropped by a printing shop to inquire about business cards for a business I don’t have. He quoted me $20 for 96 cards which sounded okay to me given what I was going to use them for.

“Do you have the file ready?” he asks.

When I told him I didn’t he said it would cost $15 for him to produce a simple design for me. I thought he would have templates but he said he didn’t. My cynical guess is that it’s his way of generating more money like those sales people at electronics stores who always push for the extended warranty. If a product benefits from an extended warranty then it’s a piece of shit in a box. Some people feel thankful to have bought the extended warranty when their purchased item ends up failing on them prematurely. They’re basically saying that they’re happy to get a new piece of shit.

He gave me his card which he probably has a template of and I walked out pretending that I might come back. That night I went online and revisited a site that I had purchased custom-made calendars and magnets from many years ago.

500 cards for $20 with free shipping. And guess what? They had hundreds, maybe thousands of templates.

It just occurred to me that I wish I had included a maxim on my cards such as, ‘know thyself’ or ‘a man’s character is his fate.’ Young adults often tattoo such words on themselves on whatever part of the body is trendy to do so at the time. Of course they don’t really live by those words because they’re pretentious posers.

 

 

 

Nothing on the 4th of July

Tuesday morning a stomach ache had woken me instead of the usual exhaust rumbling from the truck across the street. That morning I decided to not eat for the rest of the day until dinner. It was surprisingly not too difficult. Since then I’ve reduced consumption of food just for kicks. For a few years now I’ve been eating for the sake of doing something. Eating has been an activity more than a necessity.

Several years ago a high school classmate asked me, “what have you been doing?” I told him that I do nothing. He then said he wished he could do nothing. He has a wife, kids and a job. His whole life is a job except his wife probably doesn’t give him blowjobs.

I’m doing nothing today. I was reading quotes from the movie, Casino, so now I might go watch that later.

Sam (Ace) Rothstein: From now on, I want you to put an equal amount of blueberries in each muffin.

Baker: Do you know how long that’s going to take?

Sam (Ace) Rothstein: I don’t care how long it takes. Put an equal amount in each muffin.

****
Sam (Ace) Rothstein: When you love someone, you’ve gotta trust them. There’s no other way. You’ve got to give them the key to everything that’s yours. Otherwise, what’s the point? And for a while, I believed, that’s the kind of love I had.
There’s a liquor store within walking distance from my home. I may go there and grab a bottle of wine that the Chilean employee recommended. He tells me he misses the family-like culture of Chile. Everyone hugs, kisses and is never alone. He thinks we’re a bunch of miserable creatures here in Canada and America because we’re so insistent on being isolated/independent. I don’t think he’s wrong but that’s evolution. Humans in our present form are headed for extinction or at least slaves to robot masters.
Sam (Ace) Rothstein: I want you to exit this guy off the premises, I want you to exit him off his feet and I want you to use his head to open the fucking door.

Chocolate Fungus

If you ask me what I did today I might tell you that I ventured into the world of psilocybin. For most of my life, I’ve found magic mushrooms one of the most difficult popular illegal drugs to procure. Several years ago I read on the internet that if I wanted to obtain some of these drugs I should approach the dirtiest looking guy I can find. As my brain scanned through all of my co-workers at the time, I got a match. I approached him when we were both in the company washroom and what do you know? There was no need to look further. It was like a 16th century European explorer leaving the shores of Europe and hitting his destination with a straight line without his crew having to eat their leather boots. A scurvy-free journey.

Today psilocybin products can be found on the internet and mailed to your door. It’s illegal still but that has never stopped anyone from selling it or murdering people. You know that crime will never end when the known punishment can be 10 years in prison, potentially numerous objects up your butthole and people will still roll the dice. They won’t get me man. Not me.

My cousin gave me some psilocybin chocolate. He said eating 2 pieces should be sufficient. He’s a pussy so I doubled it. If it’s safe, I’d rather overdose than underdose. Underdosing runs the risk of disappointment. It had slipped my mind that I had intended to get high while I was doing some chores. When I felt kind of weird I was reminded that I had put something in my mouth an hour ago.

4 pieces was enough to get slight hallucinations. I’ll have to double it to 8 next time if I really want to trip. But I’m scared. This is why it’s always been more difficult to obtain magic mushrooms. They’re not addictive or at least not addictive enough. If it’s not at least habitual then there’s not much money in it.