Zen in Sickness Not in Health

The level of sickness I’m at right now is where your boss at work can still convince you to come in and ‘suck it up.’ You end up regretting it a few hours into your shift and promise yourself that next time you’ll tell your boss to eat dog shit with corn stuck in it. Does the corn make it worse or better?

On Friday I didn’t get enough sleep, didn’t eat much and had a couple of beers. It might have been okay but the next day I went to the gym and didn’t eat much again. This is what I get for trying to better myself. If I had just sat on my ass all weekend eating Cheetos I could have avoided compromising my immune system. Now I’m sick and have no craving for Cheetos.

Today has been a liberating experience. When you’re sick the only plan for the day is to do nothing. I haven’t been this delighted at the idea of laying around and watching stuff on screens for a very long time. When you’re well and not of geriatric status there’s this constant voice reminding you that you might be wasting your life. Being sick allows you to duct tape the mouth that voice comes from without feeling any guilt. If I wasn’t sick it would just appear that I’m depressed…tired face, laying around all day watching T.V. while eating too much or not enough.

You could say I’m living in the present today because the past and future do not matter right now. I’ve always thought that if I had a recognized disability it would mentally set me free. I’d be parading around the neighbourhood singing, I can’t do nothing, I can’t do nothing…because I’m disabled! It’s like being honourably discharged from the military because your balls were shot off…it’s not enviable but it’s acceptable. No one expects a guy with no balls to do much in life. I could tell people all about the dreams that I had and how I was on my way to realizing them….but I’m disabled now.

When I’m no longer sick I may lie to myself and forge a sick note to my brain saying I’ll need another couple days off.


Today is Sunday

My throat has the beginnings of a virus forming. You know, it starts off with a little itch and progressively gets worse every couple of hours. Last night after using the vaporizer for my marijuana therapy my throat was dry but I didn’t get that glass of water that I knew I should have. Oh it will be okay. That type of thinking almost always leads to something not being okay. ‘It’s okay’ is what you tell yourself for short term comfort knowing very well it’s not okay.

Today’s piano lesson was shit. I had 3 weeks off and I now I’m worse. My punishment is $37.50 for the exact same lesson I had 3 weeks ago because I haven’t progressed enough. Charging for piano lessons is like selling gym memberships. After a while people won’t try as hard but will continue to pay the same amount. A good business is one that caters to people’s best intentions then locks them in and has their clients falter like they were statistically going to since recorded history. People are degenerate gamblers in some form. They think they are special and will beat the odds.

Here I am at the cafe to redeem myself by reading a book. Three Asian students sitting separately all have complicated looking mathematical equations in front of them and graphs that are displaying something. Maybe the inverse relation of gravity minus pythagoras multiplied by the square root of the speed of light. Anyone spending their Sunday engaged in such an activity is desperately working towards not being a loser.

To be an Asian in a developed country without a university degree is appalling. You don’t bullshit well enough and aren’t tall enough to get by in life by slacking off. You’ll be first in line to be culled by artificial intelligence.

If I had a job to go to tomorrow I’d be excited at the prospect of being genuinely sick so that I could call in sick without the guilt. Certain feelings will hold you back in life. Guilt has been one of them for me. Fake it until you make it and then for good measure keep faking it. People are usually too polite to call you out on your bullshit.

Part-time Work

In the early years of my last job I confessed to a co-worker how I would rather work part-time hours. Her response?

“That’s not very attractive.”

I guess to her a single man’s purpose in life is to be attractive to women. Her husband is probably a sucker. Women don’t necessarily have to be in love to marry a man, they’ll settle for a slave. So would I though. If someone is willing to give you everything you want in exchange for hanging around while also providing a pension if you ever decide to leave, it would be difficult to resist. Ironically or maybe not, she only worked part-time which is acceptable of course because she’s a woman. How come the term loser is never assigned to women? I ignored her for the next 5 years.

Recently, I entertained the idea of part-time work again. There was a union gig I found near my home servicing public bus coin boxes. I want to say I turned it down but I can’t because I didn’t even apply. It seemed like a really lonesome job that only offered money in exchange for my effort and time.

The way I see it is that an unfulfilling job is going to take away much of my good energy. When I finish my shift I’ll want to do crap all or at least only activities that are easy(watching videos) or fun(eating hamburgers). On my days off I’ll be recovering from work from the day before and will likely continue doing crap all. Hangovers aren’t only created by alcohol.

Perhaps I’m not very productive as it is but my belief is that having too much time will make me really bored which will push me to do things I wouldn’t do otherwise. This all sounds crazy or at the very least a poor excuse to not work a job but I don’t want to take any chances. Dead end jobs only pay you for your time. If you have a Plan B then you’re doing your Plan A a disservice.

As for now my choices in the stock market have been financially supporting me. It was punching me in the gut late last year but I have been slowly catching my breath back. If it decides to assault me more severely in the near future I’ll still be okay. If it continues to rally then I guess I’ll also be okay.


Reading Books

My former Amway sponsor said if you don’t read books you might as well be illiterate. I responded by saying I would still need to read restaurant menus, but I get his point. I don’t believe that people who read abundantly are more intelligent because it depends greatly on what you read and how you process the information. Finishing a large catalogue of books from the teenage vampire genre doesn’t make you an intellectual.

In the past couple of years I have been trying to make it a habit to read more and I have been failing at it for the most part. In a book that I have been slowly reading over the past few months it suggested that when it comes to progress anything is better than nothing, just don’t give up. So I made a promise to read at least 2 pages a day no matter what. I’ve been failing even at that but I never mentally called it quits.

I’m on a quest towards self-improvement and progress. For $20 or free you can get a lifetime of information from people who are smarter, more educated and more experienced than you are. All you have to do to absorb their powers is to read what they wrote.


I don’t know if I’d recommend any of the books I’m reading to many people. Marilyn Manson’s book is the most entertaining…surprise surprise. The other 3 books have good information but can be boring too. Reading internet articles seems to be more practical. I believe books have to be a certain number of pages so that the publisher or whoever can justify a higher cost, and in return you get a bunch of filler pages and paragraphs.

If you want to improve in a particular area in your life, reading the appropriate books is a must. If you’re not seeking out information to improve in a particular subject it means you’re not interested in improving or you think you know it all.

If I was a parent I would be reading books on parenting, children, social sciences or at least a stripper’s autobiography for lessons on what not to do. There’s books to help you with your career but a good sign that you don’t like your job is if you have no interest in doing it better. Who wants to read books on something they hate doing? If you’re not interested in seeking information on raising a better child then maybe you don’t really want to be a good parent?

Today I read 20 pages. I deserve a cookie.

The Dark Side

In the circle of people I grew up with, selling drugs has had a few types of doors. There’s the revolving door where someone quits but returns in the future. There’s a few reasons why they quit but the most common is because they weren’t making enough money. They’ll tell you it’s because of something else but ultimately it’s because the money stopped coming in.

Hoods never stop, they just take a break.
– City of God(movie)

Transitioning from the world of drug dealing to legitimate life can be difficult. Your education, work experience and people skills can be comparable to that of a 12-year-old. Even if you do power through, your possibilities seem limited. During a period when life puts its squeeze on, some tend to break and walk back over to the dark side.

Most assume that if you have made it past your 20s without having given into the temptation of making easy money then your remaining years of life will be entirely a legitimate path. When life bends you over and gives it to you then you might just walk through that new door. You know how life lived for over 30 years on one side of that door is and it has sucked with a bleak outlook going forward. At least maybe on the dark side the stars will align for you.

You are the sum average of the 5 people you spend the most time with
Jim Rohn

Associating regularly with drug dealers but never taking a bite of the sinful fruit seems somewhat impressive but it’s like herpes. The dormant virus is in you and it only takes a single occasion to produce an outbreak. When you say you’ll never do it but you’re always around people that do, you’re sending mixed messages to the universe. One day it’s going to give you the only answer that makes sense.



Human Behaviour

In the first 3 months of marijuana legalization I’ve spent more money on cannabis products than I have in my entire life on black market weed. It’s not saying a whole lot since the illegal total was about $100. I didn’t like the whole experience of buying illegal weed. It required me to phone someone I didn’t know too well, set a time and place and then have that person know my habits.

There seem to be many critics and pessimists of marijuana legalization. Some were convinced no one would pay the higher prices. It’s a reasonable argument if you have the life experience of a child. It’s reasonable to think no one would spend more money than they earn. It’s reasonable to think no one would smoke cigarettes because they might kill you slowly. It’s also reasonable to believe no one would kill their wife and think they could get away with it.

Then you have the ones who believe people will just grow their own weed. Sounds reasonable except some people don’t even make their own lunch. If people were so resilient Starbucks and the supermarkets would not exist. You can even buy Starbucks grounded coffee at the supermarket and make it at home. I don’t think anyone thought people would pay $5 for a coffee until they did.

People are going to stick with their dealers, they say. One girl told me she has a “rapport” with her dealer. One day when there are retail stores she’s going to be off work, tired, see a legal marijuana store on her way home and think, I’ll just try it this one time. A few weeks later and she’ll be thinking, to hell with our rapport.

Legalization has not been a smooth process and people have been quick to criticize the lack of supply and retail stores. Marijuana was illegal for 90 years and people are complaining how the roll-out of legalization was not perfect in the first 2 weeks. One drawback from legal weed is that now the mailman thinks I’m a stoner.