Men Sitting Down to Pee

Several years ago I was at someone’s place for dinner when he served us a defence on why sitting down to pee is better than standing. They weren’t irrational reasons he was giving but I clearly remember what was going on in my head.

  1. I’m not going to say anything
  2. His wife makes him sit down to pee

Some men claim they sit down to pee because it’s cleaner, easier or because it allows them to use their smartphone. If it’s always been cleaner then why do these men only start sitting down to pee when they are married? They had a sudden epiphany once married? If I was a betting man, and I am, I would put my chips on the wife telling them that they now have to pretend that they have a vagina.

How is it easier unless if you are old or have a medical condition? You have to push your pants down to your ankles, sit down, stand up and then pull your pants up. And I’m not buying that these guys can’t put the phone down for 10 seconds to take a piss.

But what man is going to admit that he sits down to pee because his smaller significant other commands him to? If a man’s wife expects or even gives her blessing for her husband to assume the pussy position then it means she doesn’t really respect him.

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Overpriced Pizza

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$26 CAD

When someone tells me that I “have to try it” or “have to go there” I immediately lose a little respect for them. It’s their little way of making themselves feel better about themselves. Most people have to try going on a diet more than anything else.

No one told me that I had to try their overpriced pizzas but the pictures looked really good. YOLO, right? Not really, I was just bored. But thank goodness you only live once because I don’t want to do this life over again. If I had to do it again though I would like to reincarnate into an African American athlete full of swagger.

I’ve circled around this pizza joint for a couple years now without ever even thinking of buying a pizza from them. Free marketing has its powers though. In near proximity you will see many people of all ages with eye catching pies.

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For $50 to $75 for a 12 inch pizza you wouldn’t think they would fly out of the oven but from what I’ve seen they are the majority. Every time I walk by all I see are lobster and tiger prawn butts sticking out.

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$850!

Do you still question the end of human existence? Millions of years of progress so that we can buy overpriced food and share pictures of them. I highly doubt evolution is going to keep us around for this.

 

 

 

Old Car Shopping

If your life lacks misery for a long enough time your risk tolerance for pain revitalizes itself. For whatever reason I one day decided that my new interest would be old Mercedes Benz vehicles. When I tell people about this car I’m thinking about getting they all say the same thing, “why?” Actually, it’s more like, “wwhhhyyyyy?” It’s a common reaction when I tell people about anything that I plan to do.

I get it. Old cars tend to be a headache or at least a walletache. Or maybe they see an early 1980s Mercedes Benz and think what a piece of shit it is. Maybe I long for a time I barely even knew. In 1984 I was still wetting the bed.

A couple weeks ago I was on my way to meet a friend when he cancelled on me. Since I was already out I decided to go to a shopping mall. Outside of this mall there’s always commotion from people stopping their vehicles in places where they shouldn’t be. For entertainment I stood there watching people honk their horns in frustration. Lo and behold an old Mercedes pulls up to pick up the older lady standing beside me. It was more or less exactly what I’ve been looking for and it had a ‘for sale’ sign on it. I thought it was fate.

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It looks like this

They told me the price was $4000(Canadian dollars). I took a picture of the phone number and told him we’d be in touch. Some days had passed by until I could have a look at it. Turns out he lives walking distance from my home. Cosmetically it was above average inside and out. The test drive was underwhelming. It’s stupid slow and only a little faster after it warms up. What really bothered me was how poor the braking was. In his Russian accent he said, “of course, this car is tank. 2500 kilos.” I was thinking in my head, no way it’s that heavy. The internet confirms it’s 1625 kilos. In the end I told him I’d get back to him when I find an auto mechanic to look it over.

The next couple days brought on pre-buyer’s remorse. The internet tells me to not do it unless I’m going to do many of the repairs myself. Yesterday I went to an auto mechanic shop to inquire about a pre-inspection. “I’m thinking about buying a 1984 Mercedes turbo diesel,” I said. After saying, “oh god,” he put his head down on the counter. Then he asked, “wwwhhyy?” It reminded me of the time I went in to my bank to get out of my mutual funds in 2009 when the stock market was at rock bottom.

So, why? I might not be an artist but I have an artist’s mentallity which means I have a tendency to be weird, eccentric or whatever you want to call it. In my head, owning that car is a statement. It states that I don’t give a shit, I’m not like you and I have style. I feel that it would give me an identity and attract like-minded people. Owning any vehicle that is more modern looking would state that I’m either a loser or a poser.

My rational thought is that it would be a bad idea on most levels. It’s a 35-year-old car with a mostly unknown history. Like a person you don’t know what/who they’ve been through and what they are capable of. If I buy something expensive like a big TV I would just bring it home and enjoy it and maybe regret it later. With an old car you have to buy insurance, sink thousands of dollars into it and possibly be that guy who is stalled on a busy street during rush hour traffic. Everyone hates that guy. They slow down to yell, “hey buddy, time for a new fricken car. Unbelievable.” Apologies of “the internet says these are good cars,” will fall on deaf ears.

 

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The car in question

 

 

Cheap Shopping

According to popular perception the area where I live in will one day have a big earthquake which will cause everything to sink. Also, it is said there could be a possible tsunami. Because I’m bored and am weird I decided to search for a life jacket for my dog in case said tsunami does hit. Brand new ones cost in the neighbourhood of $40 so I went to Craigslist. There was a lightly used one to be had for $15 and a drive to my old neighbourhood. I just now investigated the tsunami situation on the internet and “scientific studies” say an earthquake will not result in large tsunami waves hitting my area. One can be be suspicious of these studies since they were commissioned by the city’s government.

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Yesterday on Amazon I put in an order for an umbrella that will hopefully not break on me after 10 uses and also 2 flashlights. I picked an orange colour umbrella to mitigate the chances of getting hit by a bus on a dark stormy night. These LED flashlights they have out these days are impressive. They’re much brighter and inexpensive than those big metal ones that the police used to use to jab you in the solar plexus with.

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Advertised as “windproof”

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5 different modes, $17.99 for the 2 pack

Toy “R” Us had a bunch of things for clearance today. I’m not a Toys “R” Us Kid but I came across something I thought my dog might enjoy for $4.98.

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He’s from the movie, The Secret Life of Pets. Coincidentally, I went to the theatre to watch this movie and unexpectedly walked into a theatre full of parents and kids. I felt like all the moms looked at me like I was a pedophile but what was I supposed to do? I already paid for a ticket.

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I think she likes it

Buying things is like a drug. Buying a car or vacation is like buying a pile of cocaine. Shopping on Craigslist is like snorting someone else’s cocaine — it doesn’t get any cheaper. There seems to be a theme with many of my purchases. Many of them relate to survivalism.

 

 

 

September Turdsay Thoughts

Tent life in the backyard has been interesting. You would think the abundance of vehicles driving by would wake me but it never does. Only the dog who comes in and out opens my eyes. Sometimes she’ll paw at my face asking to sneak inside my sleeping bag with me.

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After my volunteer gig at the office today I walked over to the shopping mall and bought a cinnamon bun like the First World loser I am. The signage indicating it was 400 calories had no affect on my decision. Only a fool would think a cinnamon bun would contain only 200 calories.

During my 5 KM walk home I decided I was going to drink alcohol and binge watch Game of Thrones for the rest of the day. Sounds like a waste of a day/life but when you have nothing or no one to live or die for then nothing really matters.

The cook at the nearby pub yelled for my attention while he was on his smoke break. He quit the job but recently came back. “I hate cooking as a job,” he said. At 33 years old the pressures of life seem to be weighing on him. “I can’t keep doing this. In 30 years I’ll be broke still.” He goes on to tell me he’s looking for a job that will set him up with a pension. He’s stuck in the post-war economic boom mentallity of the 20th century. In your 20s there’s so much hope you can live off of but often it’s just an act of deferring reality.

I had what he think he wants. Evolution is a slow process. Life wants you to keep pushing regardless of your position in life. If you stay stagnant you get bored or become fearful of the thought that your life ends here even though you have 30 more years to go. You either play with risk or accept your disappointing existence.

 

 

Free Cocaine

When people offer me free drugs I never decline. Many years ago I was at an after hours nightclub and a guy sitting beside me on the bench along the wall in the smoking room offered me a hit of cocaine. I was already high on ecstasy so ‘no’ wasn’t in my vocabulary. He left the room soon after and another guy sat down a couple feet beside me. “Is this yours?” he asked. I looked at the Blackberry that wasn’t mine and then thanked him for finding my device. I don’t remember what my intentions were because I’m not that kind of thief. I’d like to think that I took it because I knew I would return it to its owner. Or maybe I held onto it hoping I would eventually be able to rationalize keeping it.

Some time had gone by and I was back in the smoking room when the guy who gave me the drugs came in and announced to the room, “if anyone finds my phone I’ll give them $100.” I asked him what kind of phone and he confirmed it was the one that I semi-stole. He was elated that he got his phone back because it had all his drug contacts. When I refused his $100 he offered me more cocaine. I didn’t say no.

We got to talking and he told me that him and his buddy sell drugs there full-time. It didn’t dawn on me then but I’ve realized since then that he gave me that first hit hoping that I’d go looking for him to get more. He was so grateful about having his phone returned that he offered to deliver cocaine to me anytime I wanted. I think it was a gesture made under the influence. It was too weird for me to accept.

Cocaine was never really my thing. It was a sad milestone the day I decided to snort an unregulated powder up my nose. When you pop pills or smoke some kind of leaf it seems less demonic, it’s socially acceptable. Snorting or injecting graduates you to another league. I say that it’s sad because it’s what the media projects onto us so I don’t know if it really is. When you’re hungover for 2 days from too much liquor, people tend to just chuckle.