Old Guys in the Neighbourhood

There’s this old Chinese guy who is always doing stuff to his motorcycle that I see sometimes when I walk my dog around the neighbourhood. I asked him a couple questions about his motorcycle and then 10 steps later he calls me back to the trunk of his car. He pulls out a pamphlet and starts talking Jesus with me.

“When I was living in Hong Kong I used to smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a day, drink a whole bottle of Johnny Walker, gamble, say bad words…..”

I was just waiting for him to finish the sentence with, “and have sex with hookers,” but it didn’t happen. I know he was thinking it though. Sometimes you just get the feeling.


I told him I would say the above prayer but I haven’t got around to it yet.

Today I was walking back from buying a straw hat when I bumped into the old guy who lives across the street from me. I was walking behind him for a few minutes, he was wearing shorts and kept staring at his right leg. I haven’t decided yet if he’s just wearing one of those blood pressure socks or if it’s a fake leg. It doesn’t look like a real leg but you never know with old people.


Just about an hour ago I was at the park with my dog. I was chatting with this other old guy and another guy who was about my age. When the younger guy left the old guy said, “I want to give you….”

“A million dollars?”

“No,” he replied.

I know the look. I could tell it was going to be weird. He started going off about the Lemurian Plug which I never heard of. If he laid his cell phone against mine I would get the “frequency” and I wouldn’t have to every worry about brain cancer. With the frequency installed I could also remove all toxins from cheap wine and cigarettes. He went on about holograms and I started bracing myself for the worst. He better not ask me to touch his penis. 

He got me to put my feet together and then pulled my left arm downwards once without his cell phone in my right hand and once with. I know that trick. If you want to make the person go off balance you kind of pull towards the side. “See, I couldn’t knock you off balance with the phone in your hand.”

I wonder if people see me and think, “hey, this guy looks stupid.”


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