Fraudulent Living

Looking back, the jobs that I had were a disservice to my self-esteem. Perhaps the way that I think is a disservice to my self-esteem. The only part of my life I held in lower regard than what I was doing was what I was going to do which was…I don’t know. It wasn’t something I held in secret either.  “What do you do?” is often the first and last question people need to make their conclusions about you.

There were probably many others in the same position as myself but many of them opted for the “fake it til you make it” route or chose to dive into anything just so that they could avoid being that person who was thought to be going nowhere.

My most recent legit paid employment wasn’t even that bad on paper or in other ways but I still felt some shame. For the longest time I thought it was a feeling of inferiority but I’m more certain now that it had more to do with me feeling like a fraud. I felt shame because I was knowingly not living a life I wanted at all. It’s not quite Impostor Syndrome since I was missing the success part of it but I felt like an impostor.

I felt more proud of myself during my periods of unemployment than when I was employed. To me it just seemed so much more logical to be free than to be trapped in an existence of cyclical torture. Hardly anyone saw it this way though because just like women’s high heels, life is all about appearance. To top off my fraudulence I engaged with people, beliefs and activities that I somewhat knew wasn’t aligned with what I wanted. Along with the high heels I guess I wore the mini-skirt in freezing weather hoping it would cure my pneumonia.

The pieces of the puzzle are often there throughout our life but we tend to not put them together until more than enough time has elapsed. A short window of time plus inexperience allows us to indulge in complete ignorance. Sometimes we even put all the pieces together but refuse to see the catastrophic masterpiece. Everyone sees a train wreck while you only see the small part of the train that went unscathed.

Maybe I’m just more complex or missed some of the programming on the production line. Maybe more time and experience may need to elapse for a better picture. But for now, if I can’t do what I want I’ll at least avoid doing what I don’t want.

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8 comments on “Fraudulent Living

  1. cctyker says:

    I’m not into looking out and comparing myself to others.
    I’d rather be me and be civil and courteous to others.
    What others think of me is their business.
    In other words, I’m a loner. I believe I can handle life without comparing me to others.

    Like

    • MrJohnson says:

      I never put it together that not caring what people think often translates into being a loner but it makes sense. I suspect in the future that less people will be considered loners because of the acceptability and advances of online communities.

      Like

  2. Mr.Johnsons' Still Employed Cousin says:

    Preach my cousin, preach!

    Like

  3. lightpuma says:

    I have worked a lot of jobs that didn’t seem to fit my background, but I never forced myself to do them beyond a certain point. I’m Muslim but I was a bartender once (go figure). I sipped mango juice all evening as I poured wine and popped beers. My mom was in a shit situation and I just really wanted to help, so that’s why I took up the job. But I never realized how awkward it was until I started it. It’s like when I worked as a deli associate and had to slice up ham and give suggestions on which pork was the finest, as if I had any effing clue. And some people felt awkward asking because they knew I was Muslim. I also worked a labour job as the only coloured person in a team of 60 men and one other woman (try telling 60 people individually that you don’t shake hands with men. Word travels slow amongst men). But yeah, I never did anything longer than I could bear it. I think it was really badass of you to quit your job and I hope you find something that makes your time worthwhile. I know people who are really struggling to imagine their futures right now and they’re older than you, with advanced university degrees and mortgages they don’t know how to pay anymore because their jobs didn’t work out. At least you’re debt-free and can start anything you want with a clean, fresh slate.

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    • MrJohnson says:

      Those are some interesting employment situations. Quitting your job only appears to be badass when it results in something badass but I don’t regret the decision.

      Yeah, it would seem that as long as I don’t trap myself in a bad situation then I’ll always have hope. I’ve made some favourable financial decisions recently that may set me up okay. It may not work out but I should be thankful for the opportunity.

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  4. lightpuma says:

    Oh yeah, I also sincerely believe that a lot of people are lost and confused these days because of spiritual and religious emptiness, and a lack of connection with God. Religion is the uncool thing that only pricks or extremists are supposed to follow, and no one cares about the truth anymore because they are so obsessed with the material world and fake appearances. And to be honest, the majority of religion has been stripped of its origins and become nothing but power tools and poison. I probably sound like a gay ass saying this out loud but whatever. Judge me. I think you need religion because you need God, and religion makes the path to God easy and attainable. I wonder how I’ll feel about posting this after I wake up tomorrow.

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    • MrJohnson says:

      Belief is everything whether it’s religion or something else. A person with no strong beliefs is a person who feels lifeless inside. The hard part is being able to believe. I curse the adults who took Santa Claus away from me.

      Like

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