Looking back, the jobs that I had were a disservice to my self-esteem. Perhaps the way that I think is a disservice to my self-esteem. The only part of my life I held in lower regard than what I was doing was what I was going to do which was…I don’t know. It wasn’t something I held in secret either. “What do you do?” is often the first and last question people need to make their conclusions about you.
There were probably many others in the same position as myself but many of them opted for the “fake it til you make it” route or chose to dive into anything just so that they could avoid being that person who was thought to be going nowhere.
My most recent legit paid employment wasn’t even that bad on paper or in other ways but I still felt some shame. For the longest time I thought it was a feeling of inferiority but I’m more certain now that it had more to do with me feeling like a fraud. I felt shame because I was knowingly not living a life I wanted at all. It’s not quite Impostor Syndrome since I was missing the success part of it but I felt like an impostor.
I felt more proud of myself during my periods of unemployment than when I was employed. To me it just seemed so much more logical to be free than to be trapped in an existence of cyclical torture. Hardly anyone saw it this way though because just like women’s high heels, life is all about appearance. To top off my fraudulence I engaged with people, beliefs and activities that I somewhat knew wasn’t aligned with what I wanted. Along with the high heels I guess I wore the mini-skirt in freezing weather hoping it would cure my pneumonia.
The pieces of the puzzle are often there throughout our life but we tend to not put them together until more than enough time has elapsed. A short window of time plus inexperience allows us to indulge in complete ignorance. Sometimes we even put all the pieces together but refuse to see the catastrophic masterpiece. Everyone sees a train wreck while you only see the small part of the train that went unscathed.
Maybe I’m just more complex or missed some of the programming on the production line. Maybe more time and experience may need to elapse for a better picture. But for now, if I can’t do what I want I’ll at least avoid doing what I don’t want.