If you read about children and adolescents who grow up in less than ideal situations the prediction is that they will succumb to certain pitfalls in life. I was one of those kids and I have succumbed to almost all of them. There’s something really sobering when you realize that you’ve become a statistic.
I never saw myself as having behavourial issues but I guess with the amount of times in grade school that I’ve been suspended, sent to the office, sent to the corner, sent to the hallway, assigned garbage duty, it should have made it obvious.
Some teachers hated my guts and sometimes I didn’t even know it. My art teacher in grade 11 gave us our final grades before they were officially recorded and to my semi-surprise I failed the year. Not a big surprise since I failed 5 out of 8 courses in grade 8 and failed 1 or 2 courses every other year. Summer school was a given for me. A normal student would talk to the teacher in private but being raised by wolves I just blurted out my discontent in front of the whole class. “How could I have failed?!?”
I don’t remember what she said but it had something to do with skipping class I think. After a few back and forth arguments she caved and said, “fine, I’ll pass you if you promise to not take my class next year.” If it was possible to hear silence that was definitely the sound. Her comment hurt my feelings a little. I knew she didn’t adore me but with that kind of request she must have really not enjoyed my presence in the class.
Up until about 8 years of age I was a sweet little kid. In that year I befriended a kid in class who had a penchant for being bad. We lived a block from each other so fate had it that we would become best friends. We even had the same first name.
I couldn’t believe the arsenal of swear words he had and could put together. It was the first time I heard so many 4 letter words combined with different body parts. He’d make fun of people and I enjoyed it but I also enjoyed the reaction that it gave other people. I was hooked. I wanted to do what he did. I embraced the identity of being bad. Since then I’ve put a significant amount of energy into trying to get reactions from people at the expense of anything or anyone.
Lately I’ve been thinking about my blog posts and how my behavioural issues relate to them. Most bloggers always worry about offending strangers while I usually don’t. I sometimes regret it later. I’ve been pondering the idea that maybe I should be more like others in my blogging life and in real life. Recently I started counting down from 10 when I feel like saying something that I probably shouldn’t.