The Milky Way


Like most Canadians I was told to be a milkoholic or else my teeth, skin and hair would fall out. I was also the smallest kid in elementary school and milk was supposed to make me grow big and strong. Didn’t happen. Milk: disappointing the vertically challenged since 1906. I wonder if all that antibiotic laden cow secretion did more bad than good.

Back in my day, people bought milk stored in cartons or plastic jugs and “homo milk” was fuel for jokes in the schoolyard. It seems to be that they want you to call it “3.25%” now like its cousins, 2% and 1%. I’ve never drank milk that came from a glass bottle so I thought it would be cool(just slightly) to try it out. I thought it might bring back memories that I never had of playing vinyl records, watching The Ed Sullivan Show and wondering who in the neighbourhood might be having an affair with the milk man.

After high school I stopped drinking milk because no one was buying it for me. A few years went by and I got back on the moo train. Diarrhea coincidentally ensued and as with every case of diarrhea, one becomes a detective. Was it the sandwich, muffin, banana, eggs, 4 Krispie Kreme doughnuts?

After 30 days I connected the regular occurrence of explosive diarrhea with the cereal I was eating 30 minutes prior. Wait, milk !

I never thought milk was the culprit since I drank milk all my life without issues. But it happens and it’s common with people from East Asian descent. I think it had something to do with not being able to afford cows back in the old country. I haven’t had a glass of milk since but the couple of lattes I’ve had in the last year seem to be intestinal approved.

I’ll let you know what happens.



10 comments on “The Milky Way

  1. Lactose intolerance. Buy Lactaid. Milk is good


  2. Lactose challenged? Have you swapped anything else out – like foregoing cheese? I can’t do gluten or the same explosiveness happens to me. Fun times!


    • MrJohnson says:

      I never consciously gave up on cheese. No ill effects from it though. Apparently straight milk contains the most lactose because there is less fermentation than other dairy products.

      No gluten? Hmmm, I can’t help but picture you in one of your pictures guzzling beer but I guess it’s just my imagination. Do you eat a lot of rice?


  3. marliesvonn says:

    That is an interesting name brand for milk. Avalon Dairy Ltd. Hmmm… makes me think of a very, very old commercial that my dad told me about that still runs occasionally on the radio about a construction company. The tune at the end of the commercial features someone singing “Avalon Construction” then saying “and it turned out nice again” even if you looked out your window and there was a blizzard. Leaving you confused. And amused. With Avalon, it always turned out nice again. 🙂


  4. marliesvonn says:

    And I’m sure your next pet will turn out really nice 😉


  5. Ha! I recently just came to the same conclusion as you just a few weeks ago. I can handle greek yogurt, cheese and creamer but realized that the next day, after I had 1 cup of 1% milk with my evening snack…I was on the crapper and dealing with the worse stomach cramps ever. I’ve never had a problem with milk, but…age is a bitch I guess.


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