Feeling hopeless is like being stuck in the dark thinking that the sun may never rise again. When left with no seemingly better options in life one can only gravitate towards short-term stimulation. Living in darkness keeps you from wandering too far because the only sanctuary you believe in is within your small familiar radius of hell.
No matter how shitty your life is in your youth there’s always this thought that it will get better and not only better but good. Everything will just work itself out because that’s just what life does. There’s always this light far up in the distance from the abyss that you feel that you are in. The glimmer of light could be your imagination but often the mind does not discriminate between good quality hope and hope that is Made in China.
Laying in bed in the dark, alone, is reminiscent of so many years in my past when I was swallowed by the darkness of life. Not dead, not sleeping, but fully conscious and wondering about the whats and whys. Old habits die hard or they never do and just seem to always be part of your algorithm of life.
In darkness is when your thoughts come out to play. You could turn on a light but they hate it when the game is over. Death is not an option but the runner-up is sleep, and in third place are your thoughts in the dark.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Sometimes. But other times what doesn’t kill you chips away at you to the point that even the foundation is unfit to be built upon.
Without hope for a better tomorrow, today’s hell has no end except in those hours where you play dead.