Bad Breath Self-defense

Daily Prompt: Breath


If I had to choose between having bad breath or a farting problem I think I would have to choose the latter because at least you can blame it on someone else. It wasn’t me. Ya, it does stink(pulling top of shirt over nose). No one is going to stick their face near your butt to find out.Β When you smell bad breath though it’s obvious because the smell and the open mouth that it came from exist almost simultaneously. It hits you like an invisible ghost.

I brace myself for bad breath when I’m confined to close quarters such as movie theatres or a packed automobile. Once I see a start of a yawn from either side I cease to inhale air through my nose for 10 seconds. A yawn reaches deep inside the origin of the beast to unleash its deepest evil which is then transported by a huff of hot breath. It’s a small version of a biological weapon.

A mouth breather with bad breath is the worse. It’s like a non-stop fart from a mouth without the filter of 2 layers of clothing. All you can do is discreetly position your hand on your face in a way so that the nostrils are partially blocked but also making it look like you are just resting your head on your hand.

When I think my breath is not so stellar I speak away from the person’s face if I can and with a soft spoken voice. When people are speaking to me within close face proximity I always hold my breath because although someone’s breath might not stink it can only smell so good. Plus I don’t want to be breathing in anyone’s breath excrement.

I’ve also always thought that it’s better to be ugly than to always stink in some way. People can get used to your ugly face and possibly even get to like it but they just can’t get used to stink.



11 comments on “Bad Breath Self-defense

  1. When faced with bad breath, I find the ‘pensive fist’ works best (knuckles blocking nostrils), though sometimes I find myself sniffing the air constantly to see ‘has the smell gone? Was it really that b–? Oh god, yes it was/is!’

    Nice post


  2. BerLinda says:

    My ex is quite proud of his farts. I’ve never seen anyone boast about bad breath. Or bad breath the alphabet… πŸ˜‰


  3. Fred Colton says:

    I liked and read this. Still trying to figure out the protocol for telling someone they have bad breath.


  4. The best way to defend yourself against bad breath in a funny manner is to Fart first and then talk, so that the listener will get confused on what to inhale first and you can easily get away with your bad breath, but on a serious note, i’ll strongly recommend to follow this steps


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