Voluntary Solitude

Some cultural issues that have been long stigmatized have been trendy to write about in recent years. People who formerly had no outlet prior to the internet age can now send their message to the world about mental illness, introversion and being a loner. The internet has allowed losers a way to feel better about themselves.

Solitude can make you weird. It can make you follow through with the idea of peeing in your backyard more often than in your bathroom because there is no one to judge you. Even though you are saving 2 gallons of drinkable water for every urination, no one will respect you for it.

A recovering alcoholic would always like to have a shot of whiskey but they know it’s not a good idea. Voluntary loner or not, everyone would like some form of human interaction. I email people on Craigslist for items I don’t even want because I know there is a very good chance someone will reply to me. I’m joking but it could be a reality one day.

Hi, I’m interested in your broken mirror. Can you tell me how you broke it?

There’s this one friend I sometimes think of calling because not too long ago we would hang out and have a good time, and I know he is in my area quite often. I’m under the suspicion though he is avoiding me because he thinks there is a possibility I’m into his girlfriend. Even though I have no intention of stealing his girlfriend, I could see why he would be paranoid about the idea. Those things do happen. One day you think you’re happily married and the next day you come home early from work to see your wife in bed with your twin brother. Would that still be considered cheating?

So I don’t bother seeking his company because I don’t know how I feel about the idea that he thinks I’m after his girlfriend. Of course I could be wrong that he thinks this but nothing else makes as much sense. I’ll spare you the details. All the other people I can join for fun and games I completely avoid so this leaves me in a state of solitude most of the time.

Solitude is a good way to expand your mind. Enlightening thoughts don’t come around when you identify with the beliefs of the masses. A dose of solitude can be healing but too much for too long can drive you to madness.

Daily Prompt: Solitude

 

 

 

 

Volunteering Expectations

Daily Prompt: Disappointment 

 

When thinking about going into a situation I ask myself what can happen and what is the least that can happen. In my past days of higher optimism my expectations were what I desperately wanted to have happen while ignoring the realities.

Volunteering is seen as a selfless act or at least something good to do. The picture that you might get in your head of a group of volunteers is that they are the nicest people. You might think that volunteering will change your life. I probably thought these things in the past but even before I started volunteering, my expectations for people in general was bare bones. I don’t really live by the mantra, expect nothing and you will never be disappointed because I do expect my internet connection not to lag but I don’t expect much when it comes to human behaviour.  

From my experience with volunteering thus far, the great majority of regular volunteers are people with too much time on their hands and people who are required to volunteer because of work or school obligations…so retirees, non-profit employees and students.

The majority of volunteers that I have encountered are not that nice. They are often impatient, judgmental and demanding. They’re like union workers in that they do as little as possible, ditch work when the weather is good and complain about everything.

It’s easy to become jaded as the volunteer coordinator because you deal with the volunteers who sometimes feel they are owed something for their unpaid work and also the clients that try to abuse a free service.

It’s possible what I have seen is not indicative of the whole volunteer spectrum. The caliber of volunteer you get at an organization could also largely depend on the type of volunteer gig.

The only thing I expected from volunteering was the opportunity to help people who needed help especially when there was no one else to do it. If I expected anything more there could have been disappointment.

 

 

Life and Old People

Life messes with your head when you’re not getting the stimulation that you expect. To live out the majority of your days repeating what was done 28 of the last 30 days feels like a life only fit for robots. Primitive wiring tells you that you need to do something quick because you might die tomorrow. Unfortunately, life is rarely that exciting. We’ve managed to ensure a high likelihood that we’ll be around longer than we really want to…it’s a cruel trick that we’ve played on ourselves. At least the ones who profit from incontinence underwear have something to smile about.

Who would have seen the day when people are more of a problem than a resource. Up until recent history there was a real issue with not dying and infant mortality. Now we have problems with unwanted pregnancies, people in the prime of their lives who have no real purpose in life, old people who can’t wait to die and people in their 50s who can’t wait for old people to die so that they can get their inheritance. Old people hang on to all of their money until death so that it will ensure their ‘loved ones’ won’t ditch them. I wonder how many adult children witnessed their last parent dying of a heart attack and only pretended to call emergency services. It’s only been 30 minutes mom. Just close your eyes and they will be here soon.

 

 

Doggy Double Standards

Shit gets stuck to the dog’s bum fur sometimes and I get the pleasure of cleaning it. Luckily she is an 8 pounder so I can hold her in one arm while the other arm is holding her tail back so that the water from the faucet can rinse most of the crap away.

Sometimes I don’t notice it right away, which will give her opportunity to lift her hind legs and drag her bum on the floor creating her own shit masterpieces.

Having a dog sit on your lap is like having a naked human being who never wipes their butt sit on your lap. If dog shit is cleaner then I guess an exposed dog anus is better. If it is cleaner though it doesn’t smell any better.

 

 

Bad Breath Self-defense

Daily Prompt: Breath

 

If I had to choose between having bad breath or a farting problem I think I would have to choose the latter because at least you can blame it on someone else. It wasn’t me. Ya, it does stink(pulling top of shirt over nose). No one is going to stick their face near your butt to find out. When you smell bad breath though it’s obvious because the smell and the open mouth that it came from exist almost simultaneously. It hits you like an invisible ghost.

I brace myself for bad breath when I’m confined to close quarters such as movie theatres or a packed automobile. Once I see a start of a yawn from either side I cease to inhale air through my nose for 10 seconds. A yawn reaches deep inside the origin of the beast to unleash its deepest evil which is then transported by a huff of hot breath. It’s a small version of a biological weapon.

A mouth breather with bad breath is the worse. It’s like a non-stop fart from a mouth without the filter of 2 layers of clothing. All you can do is discreetly position your hand on your face in a way so that the nostrils are partially blocked but also making it look like you are just resting your head on your hand.

When I think my breath is not so stellar I speak away from the person’s face if I can and with a soft spoken voice. When people are speaking to me within close face proximity I always hold my breath because although someone’s breath might not stink it can only smell so good. Plus I don’t want to be breathing in anyone’s breath excrement.

I’ve also always thought that it’s better to be ugly than to always stink in some way. People can get used to your ugly face and possibly even get to like it but they just can’t get used to stink.

 

Annoying Dog Owners

Some people strive to have a closer relationship with God. Some people unexpectedly become best friends with their dog. This dog has been the main bitch in my life. I walk her, bathe her, feed her, rinse her bum and talk to her like she has an idea what I’m even saying. Oh you’re so cute you.

I thought I headed to the park late enough for the usual dog walking gang to be back home but it wasn’t so. I had no choice but to merge in with them.

It’s annoying when you’re stuck with parents talking about their kids in detail.

Today, Jayden smiled every time he took a sip of his orange juice. He doesn’t like too much pulp.

Haha…Sarah does that too but only when she is watching The Power Puff Girls.

Dog owners are no different especially if the ones who never had kids and use their dog as a substitute.

I can’t say ‘walk’ in front of Pookie otherwise he’ll get all excited. 

She even knows when we spell the word out. We have to use code words in front of Zola. 

If you say so but dogs are pretty dumb. People like to think their dogs are so smart. Maybe, but only compared to a dog that is really retarded. My dog is a bona fide idiot. She is cute though, I’ll give her that.

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Dog Park Encounters

“So weird. She never chases and barks at strangers.” That was supposed to be my cue to tell him that I’ve met his dog and his girlfriend before. I didn’t though because that would be normal. Plus I figured it was more amusing this way. That was a few days ago.

Today at the same park she asks, “was that you………….?”

“Yeah that was me.”

I thought about bringing up the subject on why I was so mysterious but I didn’t. I’m sure she went home and discussed it with her partner. What else do people in long-term relationships do besides talk about every little thing that is more exciting than the colour of their couch.

We did a few laps around the track with our dogs and got to know each other a little more. She told me how she got left back a grade in high school, messed up financially in her early adult years because she had too much fun. In other words she got herself in debt, drank a lot of booze and had a lot of sex with Van Halen cassette tapes playing in the background.

I’m getting slightly better at pretending that I care what people think about me. I didn’t say I was jobless, unemployed or not working. “I’m taking a break from work right now.” Sounds more socially polite, right?

Soon their whole group will know of me because the village loves to gossip. I’ll be the Asian guy with the small white dog who has no job and lives with his mother.

They have a dog group thing going on at that local park. She asked me to join their Facebook group. I like her and I’m sure the rest of them are nice enough but I don’t think I want membership at this time.

 

 

Bums and Panhandling Kids

I was going to title this post, “Bums and Kids” but it sounded too child pornographyish.

Two kids just rang my doorbell looking for donations for their elementary school. I told them I didn’t have a job. Why did I have to be that honest? I just can’t help myself. I felt a little bad rejecting a couple prepubescent girls but they are the equivalent to panhandlers except with parents. At least offer me a box of overpriced chocolates.

There’s an East Indian guy around my age who hangs out at the McDonald’s by here looking for spare change. I’m pretty sure he has a home so this McDonald’s gig is like his day job. I haven’t given him any money yet either.

At that same strip mall I have to constantly give the finger to the Girl Scouts, Air Cadets and Girls Softball League. Why? So you can have fun?

I used to have my own bum in my old area. His name was Al and he lived behind a retail outlet by the railroad tracks. We frequented the same businesses in the area…McDonald’s, supermarket, liquor store, gas station. The first time I met him he tried to pull a fast one on me. I gave him $1 and he asked for a couple more for bus fare to get to where he needed to go. I didn’t think the bus was equipped with shopping cart accessibility. Al was an old guy who looked for empty bottles all day so I didn’t mind giving him a couple bucks.

When I had a job I was always in uniform which made me a prime target for panhandlers. Nothing says ‘job’ like a uniform and company vehicle with a corporate logo. A common strategy for panhandlers is to sell you a line because just asking for spare change doesn’t tug on any heartstrings.

Some ask for money for food but when you offer to buy them food they refuse or look very disappointed. Must be some well-fed bums out there or they’re so used to not eating that they don’t even have to eat anymore.

I’ve had 2 separate old Chinese guys ask me for money, panicking about locking their keys in their car and having no cell phone. They tricked me both times.

If homeless people had more energy and means they would advocate for the political incorrectness of the term ‘bum.’

 

 

 

Funemployed Sandwich

If I had to choose the last meal of my life or the first meal after a long heroic battle saving humankind from terrorists, I might choose a greasy sub.

I went to gather the necessary parts for my funemployment sandwich and walked out spending more than I thought. Freaking cheese is expensive these days. The cows must be great negotiators. That might be a bad joke.

An advantage of not having to be stuck in someone else’s building or schedule the whole day is that you can take the time and energy to make your own meals. Instead of sandwich bags you bring out the cast iron skillet.

Since I like artichokes on my pizza I thought they would be sandwich worthy. The canned variety that I bought were kind of tasteless.

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Since cheese was a bit pricey I put 2 slices making sure that I would be able to taste it. I don’t want to pay for something but not really get anything.

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I should have put more onions. If you’re going to make a sandwich at home, the perimeter of your bun should be covered with your spread of choice. Only covering the middle is for slack off restaurants who don’t care about you.

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A semi-runny egg always makes food taste better.

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Unfortunately, I cooked the egg too long but it was all good.

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I had a vegan meal in the slow cooker but it was taking too long. Beans, acorn squash, garlic, coconut oil and vegetable broth. If it tastes like dirt I’m going to have to mix salsa with it. Maybe I’ll dump the left over artichokes in there.

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One day or maybe it is already, displaying photos of animal products will be considered offensive like how it would be if you showed drawn pictures of Jesus doing weird things.