See! Someone cares about me.
500 posts and I still have not been Freshly Pressed. How dare they not recognize the greatest Asian blogger of all time. I have China to thank for blocking all opportunity for world wide web self-expression from its people. Having a billion less people to compete with allows me to shine brighter in the blogosphere.
I’ve basically written a good sized book. There are some pages of nonsense but let’s just count those as the equivalent to the photos people include in their autobiography. OK?
I’d like WordPress to thank me for giving me the opportunity to spew my literary genius onto their platform. Gracing their webspace with my creative grammar and irreverence has revived my soul from the deep dark holes of a mundane life. I know that they have not featured me on Freshly Pressed because they want me all to themselves, and for that I am flattered.
It will be a sad day when I’m gone from these parts. WordPress will crumble and the disgruntled bloggers will cry for my return.
“Mr Johnson, please come back. We need you,” is what they will scream. Bloggers from across the world will gather in mobs and throw their keyboards in a pile and set fire to them. They will march in formation, holding large posters of my pixelated gravatar demanding my return. I will wake up to the news alerts, and being the noble human being that I am, I will do all that I can to cease the rioting. A live stream broadcast will be shown and I will commence a speech fit for a king.
I will address all the lay bloggers who will be at the mercy of my every word. The rioting will stop. The so-called leaders of this world will be in debt to me. Life will return to its day to day grind of morning coffee and shit stained underwear. I will be a recluse online and in real life but from that day on, my spirit will be embedded in the fears and aspirations of a global nation.
Mr Johnson…The greatest ever. Thank you. No, thank me.