My Jerk Off Son and Whore Daughter

Having kids was not something I ever really desired. When I was a young adult I probably told people I wanted them but back then I would blurt out whatever sounded most acceptable. I think if I had a kid, I could be happy about it but only if my kid wasn’t boring or an asshole.

I don’t know if I could handle having a teenage son and have to constantly wonder if he just jerked off somewhere in my home. If his bedroom door was closed the first thing I would think is that he’s masturbating in there. When he’s sitting at the dinner table, I’d be analyzing if he just jerked off with those hands he just used to pass me the mash potatoes. If I hear him go into the bathroom too many times I will wonder if he just jerked off or is disposing of his jerk off tissues. Every time I come home through the front door, I will carry a little anxiety because I might catch him jerking off on the couch. My version of “the birds and the bees” will be, I better not catch you jerking off. You hear me!  No matter how great of a son he is, I will always think of him as my jerk-off son.

If I had a teenage daughter that was even semi-attractive, I’d always wonder if that guy I just saw her with has ever shot his load of semen on her face. I don’t know, I wouldn’t be able to help but think that. By the time my daughter becomes a teenager, a frigid prude will be a teenage girl who has never taken it up the ass. I’d be so depressed staring at my daughter across the dinner table knowing that she’s probably somewhat of a slut. Every guy that picks her up to go out or drops her off will be automatically convicted in my mind of violating my daughter. I wouldn’t be able to respect her.

What is a father to do? My life would be consumed with avoiding images of semen for the rest of my life. I can’t have kids.

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9 comments on “My Jerk Off Son and Whore Daughter

  1. steffietopia says:

    Sounds like you shouldn’t hahahaha! There’s a lot more to worry about once you have kids, I think semen all over your house or daughter is the last thing you’ll end up worrying about XD

    Liked by 1 person

    • MrJohnson says:

      There are other things to worry about with kids but most of them are fixable or preventable. I’d be powerless with fighting the war against semen. I’d have to get one of those UV lights and shine it on my daughter’s face now and then.

      Like

  2. Catchy title !!
    I just had to read your post.
    I agree with Steffietopia, once you have kids there are a whole world of problems to deal with.

    But you still love the little buggers. Xxx☺😀

    Like

  3. Wait…I thought you did have a kid, a boy?

    But you hit the nail on the head….my boy is 11 and already when I walk in he’s hiding whatever he has on his phone or something like that. Well, he’s only done that once but I took his phone away and disconnected it until further notice for lying issues he’s has started up with. At this point, I’m not worried about the jerking off…I’m worried about the fact that my kid…is getting to be a damned good liar. Dammit…

    Like

  4. This is one of the funniest posts I’ve read. As a male I know that your concerns about your son are not exaggerated. We hit our sexual peaks when we have (or had) no options. I’ve always thought it cruel that the male sexual peak is between puberty and 25.

    Like

    • MrJohnson says:

      Thanks for the honour.

      We were probably meant to die soon after our sexual peak. Teenage boys must be having a blast with the internet. The closest thing I had available as a teenager was the TV show Baywatch.

      Liked by 1 person

      • The average life span of a human in the wild is not much more than thirty…the reproductive cycle probably started soon after puberty.

        I suspect that dominant males were polygamous as an adaptation to the high rates of infant mortality.

        Males probably had a higher mortality rate than females because of the dangers of hunting and fights over territory.

        I think I had playboy…but that didn’t work for me anyway…

        Like

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