Pretending to Care About the Less Fortunate

People will generally tell you that they want world peace and for every human being on this planet to not live in deplorable conditions.  It seems like the right thing to say because saying the opposite would make you sound like an asshole.  As always, our words hardly ever match our actions. The amount of money that most of us donate to any type of charity or to bums on the street is laughable in comparison to the money we spend on ourselves.  We only want the less fortunate to prosper if it doesn’t affect our preferred lifestyle.

For a while now there’s been much discussion about the lack of decent paying jobs because of outsourcing and immigration. Think of it this way…if jobs have been taken away to give to the poor in another country then it’s one step closer to ending poverty.  I mean real poverty not, “I’m so poor, I haven’t gone on vacation in 2 years.”  But people don’t care because they want their scheduled unionized coffee break and $60,000 a year salary for doing what an immigrant can do in 2 months.

Canada has sent $5-million worth of aid to Nepal which I guess is supposed to be a worthy amount.  I don’t know.  $5-million only equals to 500,000 people donating $10 each.  Maybe it is a lot of money but it probably pales in comparison to the amount of money the country spends on coffee everyday.

Each of us like to think we are good people when we donate $100 a year to any charitable organization but all that really is for most people is a way to buy a ‘good person certificate.’  If most people donate nothing then your $100 puts you on top of them.  Many people would say they are too broke to donate anything but that’s because they donate all their money to themselves and their fat asses.  Think of all the shit that you spent your money on.  To you, all of that was more important than giving the money to someone else less fortunate.

Often times you will hear about celebrities donating large amounts of money to charitable organizations.  That’s their way of one-upping their buddies.  Anyone in their circle can buy a mansion or a Bentley so the only way they can appear better than the person beside them is to look like a nicer person.  Angelia Jolie trumped all of them by adopting a third world Asian kid.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to come off as self-righteous.  I haven’t donated crap all in my lifetime.  I’ve given a dollar to bums here and there, $3 to Wikipedia and the loose change I get from buying sausage & egg mcmuffins to the Ronald McDonald charity.  I’m a piece of shit like you.  I obviously don’t care much about poor strangers.  Even if I donate $100 for aid in Nepal, I’m still a cheap son of a bitch.

I don’t think people who don’t donate to charities are bad people.  But let’s not play pretend.  We obviously don’t give a shit about anyone but ourselves.  For all of those people who spend most of their time doing humanitarian work in or outside of their country…you give a shit.  For those of you who donate a sizable amount of your income to charity…you give a shit.  For everyone else…you don’t give a shit.

Living with Your Parents Forever

Me: Why is it so shameful to live with your parents forever?

Him: It’s socially unacceptable

Me: Other than that?

Him: (Perplexed look to the sky) Nothing really.  There’s no real legitimate reason

That was my conversation with a 26 year old white boy at work.  On the internet, you can find the answers or at least different perspectives for almost any question you have, even something as odd as, “how to pee while driving” but nothing or not much on “living with your parents forever.”

You can find articles and webpages dedicated to the shame of having to move back in with your parents, when to move out of your parents home and temporarily moving back in with your parents.  Perhaps living with your parents forever is equally as shameful as tutorials on “how to be an adult man running around a primary school with his pants down” that even the internet won’t host such an idea.

I guess the situation that needs to occur for an adult to live with their parents forever is not very common.  The adult child needs to be or at least probably needs to be not considering a serious intimate relationship for their whole life and his father has to be dead at an early age or out of the picture.  As a male, there’s little hope of living with your parents forever if the father is still around.  The father is likely to outright ridicule you or will do so passive aggressively. Having your father rule over you forever feels more childish than wearing diapers.  You can root it to some kind of alpha male bullshit.  The father is always going to want to be the man of the house until he has to give up his reign when he can no longer stand himself up off the toilet.  That’s when you get him to sign over the power of attorney and send him to a geezers home.

Socially unacceptable for a male, more or less means that most women won’t accept you, so not living at home with your parents can be summed up to being afraid that no women will want anything to do with you.  That’s when you either have to accept your fate or do the equivalent of makeup for a woman which is lie.

This is my house and my parents live with me

My mother has cancer so I have to take care of her

This is just temporary while my mansion is being renovated

Hey, I’ll tell her the truth when I see her real face.

If your father is out of the picture and your mother has no one, it would seem like the right move to take over as the man of the household.  The way our society thinks they should live is kind of silly.  Most people struggle with money yet everyone tries their hardest to have their own space when it’s not necessary.  It’s ridiculous that there are people who live in a house with 3 or 4 empty rooms. The fact that this kind of lifestyle was very attainable at one time shows you how easy life was.  This is my office, and this one is our games room, here is the guest room and this is the room for junk.  All mine!

The other issue is that you might be causing your parents some inconvenience.  I guess some people still want to live life when they are in their 50’s and 60’s without having their kids around.  My question is, why even have kids if you want them out so badly?  If you kick them out then they’re going to stand over you and laugh when you are old and can’t wipe your own ass.

Society seems to be regressing because of how far a dollar can go these days.  If it continues people are going to have to stay close and help each other out.  New parents will have to live at home or at least have their parents babysit.

Of course there are other reasons why you wouldn’t want to live with your parents forever but socially unacceptable is the oddest of them all.  It’s like you’re in high school life and afraid everyone is going to make fun of you.  If your parents did a poor job of raising you then their punishment should be having to take care of you forever.

Dreams of Reality

I was out with people.  It was a newer apartment, there were women and friends and I was having a good time.  Of course it was a dream because I was having a good time.  What I remember most about the dream though was that I cared about wanting people to like me.  The existence of my usual cynical and dreary thoughts did not exist.  I viewed people as happiness vaults that I could potentially unlock if I was funny or nice enough, and that was my main objective.

They say when a guy is having a lucid dream he will either want to fly or have sex.  A while ago I amazingly realized I was dreaming and this was happening while I was running in the dream.  As I was running I thought about what I should do and the 2 things that came to mind were flying or sex.  I thought about sex but I couldn’t decide who to have sex with so I figured that I would just fly since I was already running anyway.  God really doesn’t want me to reproduce.

It seems sad if happiness only exists in dreams because only in dreams are you someone that is not you.  Most of the time they are too unrealistic to be given much thought.  I wasn’t flying or catching tigers by their tails.  I was sitting around having boring conversations while watching small bits of drama unfold.  Perhaps such scenarios in my present life are as realistic as Superman dreams for others.  What made this dream so realistic was that the women weren’t even that good looking.

I woke up this morning from that dream of normal life and thought, “whoa, that was crazy.”  

The Seeds of Suicide

There’s taking a gun and blowing your brains out and then there’s the unconscious act of slowly planting the seeds for your death. One who is absolutely sure that they want to remain in this life as long as possible does so by making the prudent decisions to ensure survival.

When a person loses hope for physical survival or no longer possesses the purpose to want to continue living, wanting to die is just around the corner.  We hope that day never comes but every irresponsible decision that is made can be taken as a step closer to ending it all.  Maybe you don’t want to die but your actions can reflect your lack of desire for a long life.

Not being mindful of your finances, health and pushing yourself to the fringes is playing a dangerous game with the devil. Show me the book though, that preaches clearly that a long life is meant for everyone.  You can die at 40 or you can die at 80. Either way you are dead and none of that extra living makes the dead 40 year old envious.  It’s exactly this type of thinking that gets extra seeds planted.

Self-preservation is the medicine that staves off the thoughts of wanting death.  Operating on your primitive wiring keeps you searching for survival and strengthens the ego.  It tells you that it doesn’t matter if you’re unhappy or irrational because all that matters is that you are alive.

Maybe you will get through all of this without being the perpetrator of your own demise.  But maybe the seeds that you planted will see the rain that it needs to grow.

I don’t want to kill myself at this moment or even in the near future but I can imagine a realistic scenario in which it would be possible.  It’s disgusting to think of such situations but I can’t help myself.  Unlike most people, I’m not one to say that I would never do it.   The idea of it is not as crazy as it once was.

Making it in Life

“You’ll never make it in life…..(fill in the blank)”

When they say “life,” it is almost always referred to as an existence from birth to old age.  In between is when you “make it” or not.  I think the general consensus is that if you die part way through, you didn’t “make it.”  The finish line is old and wrinkly. More often though, not making it means that your life sucked.  What is it that we are supposed to make anyway?  A baby?  A pancake?  How do you know when you’ve made it?

Isn’t there supposed to be a certificate presented to you once you have made it?  I don’t think there is.  When you make the finish line of a marathon you at least get your timed score written down for you indicating that you made it.  The only prize there seems to be when you’ve made it in life is that you can sit around with other people who have apparently made it.

It’s been said that the worst possible label that one can have in today’s world is “loser.”  It’s the ultimate insult signifying that you lost the game, meaning that you didn’t “make it.”  That status is the equivalent to death in 1st world nations so the majority put all their efforts into avoiding being categorized under that label.

If you run your own race there isn’t anyone you can lose to.  But I guess it wouldn’t be called a race if no one is around to race you.  Maybe life shouldn’t be treated as a race where there are obstacles to complete with a halfway mark or a finish line that gauges your success compared to others.  If you feel bad about your life’s accomplishments then you may have unknowingly entered yourself in a competition with yourself or with other people, some of whom are complete strangers.

Asian Privilege

In recent years there’s been a lot of talk around the internet about ‘white privilege.’  It’s funny how a lot of topics that are popular online don’t get much exposure in real life.  I guess the internet allows people to feel safe to talk about whatever they want.  The online world is almost like the dream world of real life and slowly becoming real life.  If most of your life is lived online then it’s pretty much real life.

There’s a lot of disadvantages to being an Asian living in a white country.  You’re probably shorter, smaller and not that many white women are attracted to you.  This makes you inferior to white people but I guess all races are generally inferior to white people.  But if you were black you could at least be feared by the white man because you might be bigger and also have the possibility of having his wife lust after you.  I don’t think any white guy ever fears coming home early from work to see his wife naked in bed with some hairless Asian dude.

Unlike aboriginals and black people in North America, Asians didn’t get their humanity and culture crushed.  Sure, there’s equal rights now and opportunity for everyone but only if you can get to that level to take advantage of it.  Anyone can get into a good university but you still need the money and environment for that to even be a possibility.  When you want a group of people to become something from nothing, it’s asking quite a lot.

The vast majority of Asians immigrated to North America and took their momentum of being uncomfortable with them.  Asians never had that mentality that the white man was going to keep them down.  They came here thinking as long as there was a job, everything could be okay.  ‘Fun’ wasn’t in an Asian’s vocabulary.  It was work, work, work and save, save, save.

I guess on paper it worked.  Asians are considered the ‘model minority’ and right now is the equivalent to the Post War Economic Boom for them.  The dream for most of the world is to become that stereotypical middle class white person and have security, comfort and some luxuries.

It’s hard for an Asian to see a homeless or poor white person and not think that they fucked up.  When you come to a white country with no English and no money and see poor white people, to an Asian there’s no excuse.  Of course, no one sees evolution past themselves.  One often evolves when they have experienced something long enough.  It gets boring and they seek out the next adventure in life.  You can call it evolution or laziness but nothing ever stays the same for very long.

In general, only white people have experienced money and comfort.  The rest of us are just getting used to it.  There hasn’t been a majority of Asians here that have experienced comfort from birth to death.  My generation didn’t feel a semblance of comfort until our teen years.  The generation after me will probably be the first.  So soon you will see Asian strippers dancing to the equivalent of Warrant’s, Cherry Pie and guys like me living in a trailer fucking my second cousin.

My Day Before Friday

There’s this older white guy with long white hair(picture a hippie) that I’ve seen on my route for many months that walks other people’s dogs.  We’ve waved ‘hi’ to each other in the past and today I had a parcel delivery to a home where he was at to pick up a dog.

Hi, I have a delivery for this house

Oh okay.  I don’t think they are home but I can take it for them

There’s some money owing from Canada Customs

Oh, I can’t help you there

A second later he saw a sign on the door with instructions to go around back for the delivery.  I went around back and met the recipient.  Not too long after, the older hippie guy comes by and says,

Oh hey, you’re home.  I was going to pay that for you if you weren’t home

What?  First thing I thought was that this old guy was full of shit and was trying to make himself look nicer than he really was.  I also thought about how he was so confident that I wasn’t going to call him out on his bullshit.  He didn’t even know how much the bill was.  Fake fucker.

I haven’t had any starchy or junk food this week.  It’s a good way of eating.  You feel light and not intoxicated.  Unfortunately, you feel hungry really quickly which is the way it should be.


Grilled natural sausages, sauerkraut, steamed broccoli and asparagus

After work I went to the local big box store to buy some stuff.  I bumped into a wife of an old friend.  I was an asshole.  My lack of enthusiasm and short monotone answers made for a negative interaction.  I felt shitty about it after and emailed an apology.  She didn’t deserve my shittiness.  Apprehensive feelings instantly come over me whenever I see the friends I used to be so close with or those affiliated with them like their wives.  I just don’t know what to say anymore.

I’m starving.  It’s like I never ate.

Online Dating Profiles

Even if you don’t have a proper profile set up on an online dating site, you probably have an anonymous one that you use to creep around (If you’re not with someone).  Online dating profiles are almost exactly the same as Facebook profiles except that there is a different motivation behind them.  The pictures are all the same.  Most people display photos that make them look like they have a life.   I guess a profile is just like a resume in that you show what you think you have to and also what you think people want to see.

A typical woman’s profile will sound something like this…

I have a job that I love
I’m ambitious

My friends and family come first
I’m well traveled 
I’m not into hookups
Don’t show me your dick

There’s not a lot of women out there who don’t want to have kids some day.  The only ones who don’t want kids are women who already have kids and who wants to deal with that situation.  If they only have a drug habit at least there’s a chance they can drop it.  Kids are like diamonds not because they sparkle but because they are forever.

I’m looking for a woman with small ambitions who doesn’t like their family and friends.  I guess one friend and a sister is okay.   There’s not a lot of profiles advertising themselves as loners not trying to ‘live life.’

Of course, there’s a lot of BS on people’s profiles.  If there’s not BS then there’s a great withholding of the truth.  Almost everyone indicates that they drink ‘socially’ but everyone indicates that they ‘never’ do drugs.  Ya fucking right.   Many people like to be secretive whether or not they want kids or not…’undecided’ or ‘I’ll tell you later.’

Apparently women don’t like a guy who doesn’t love his job or lives in his mom’s basement.  What if I live upstairs instead?  They also want a guy who knows what he wants out of life.  I thought being mysterious was an appealing quality?

What I’ve learned is that if you lower your standards enough there’s someone out there for you.  I think that would make great Hallmark card.  I’ve messaged with a few girls but never found any motivation to take it any further.  I guess because the conversations were not very stimulating and also they didn’t offer me sex right away.  It’s not that I think I’m too good for anyone.  I just don’t think anyone is good enough for me.


Managerial Encounters

I get this yearly review with my manager every year and it has made me realize how fast the years have been moving in this stage of my life.  “This stage of my life” meaning a life that has not much going on in the last few years.  I’ve blogged about my 2 previous ride alongs with my manager and it does not feel that long ago since I wrote about the last one.   Jack shit has happened to my life in this last year which makes me believe that an uneventful life flies by quickly because when nothing happens it just feels like one really long day.  It’s like watching the same movie over and over again.  You can watch it for an entire year but the only memories you will have for that year will consist of whatever happened during that 2 hour movie.

My manager is around 50 and is the type of guy who believes in life.  He does family functions, goes on vacations, goes fishing and tries to get out as much as he can.  I guess it’s the stereotypical white life.  I sort of tell him about my lack of life and he gives me shit all the time in a nice way.  I unfortunately don’t believe in ‘life’ as much as others.  It’s just not my type of religion.

But the realization that the years are going by so quickly is motivating me to do something.  There’s not a lot of reason to live if nothing is going to happen.  One can rationalize a comfortable life as the way to live but a long comfortable life is the equivalent to feeling dead.  It is scary to take any sort of plunge when the ship you are on is sailing on peaceful waters with no signs of storms until you are convinced that it is not taking you anywhere you want to go.


Previous blogs about the ride-alongs with my manager

Year 1 with Manager

Year 2 with Manager



Yes Master

The sign on the front door told me to go around to the back basement to deliver the parcel.  It was an old house and the guy who came out of it was older and bummish looking.  For whatever reason he had to tell me the story of how he just came back from some city in California after visiting his Master.  My brain executed a search for what ‘Master’ might have meant and the first result was a dominatrix but I didn’t think it was likely.

He went on to tell me that his Master was some Chinese dude who was supposedly a cross between The Dalai Lama and Eckhart Tolle.  After 20 some odd years of arthritis, his Master did some accupuncture on him that immediately cured him.  I guess I would call this guy my Master too if he did this for me.

The guy started going off about all this spiritual stuff.  He spoke about meditating and kept referring to the word ‘blessings.’   His Master was flying into Vancouver on that same day and he had to meet him at the airport.  I was thinking, wow, you must be special for this Master guy to give you so much of his time.

This Master person had some credentials under his belt.  He has written a bunch of books and 10 of them have been New York Times best sellers.  That’s pretty badass.  That’s why I was wondering how does this bum get so much attention from him.  Yes I am being judgmental but that’s what makes life fun.

He gave me one of the books by his Master and told me that it would help me solve my internal Rubik’s Cube and bring out blessings from my heart.   I told him I would read it and pass it on and he said, “no, that’s yours to keep.  If you know anyone who wants a copy just send them here.”  Sounds like a perverted scheme to me.  He probably has a thing for Chinese guys.  If I didn’t stop this guy from rambling he would have went on and on so I told him that I had to go or my Master will fire me.