Once in a while I will throw some drugs in my mouth. I like uppers because I’m usually feeling not up. Before I reach the state of overwhelming bliss there this feeling of slight happiness. I believe this is how regular happy people feel. Nothing bothers you, no one is irritating and you’re feeling positive without any real explanation.
On the flip side, the come down is generally not so good. I have found ways to alleviate it but there’s always going to be a bit of an encounter. Once the drugs start to wear off there’s this crash. You’re not totally defeated but you don’t want to do anything and nothing seems that it will bring any joy. I can’t say for sure but I think that’s what true depression feels like. If this is true, I can see why suicide can sometimes seem better than carrying on. This is when I crawl into bed and hope to fall asleep as quickly as possible so I don’t have to fight the darkness.
When I read testimonials from famous people who are open about their substance abuse, it tells me that the human body can endure a lot of damage before it dies. Rockstars are living proof that you can abuse substances every day for many years and still come out of it a functional person. Yes, some of them walking this earth have had their heartbeat disappear, pancreas blown up or other close brushes with death but their relationship with substances is much more extreme than your typical recreational drug user. So I can’t see how the seasonal drug encounter is very harmful.
When I was in my early 20’s, I’d feel like a loser if I did drugs in a short span of time from each other. 2 weekends in a row would be thought of as crazy. I was brainwashed by all those years of ‘just say no,’ commercials, the egg in the frying pan and whatever else the Ronald Reagan administration was promoting. Reagan was a fucking homo.
In my 30’s, I’ve been doing more drugs and drinking than ever. Partly is because life is getting kind of old. Did this done that. The isolation is another reason. Another reason is that I just don’t believe it’s that bad for you. Drugs and alcohol have become a friend. All things considered, I have a lot of will power.
You can say my life is a perfect balance or you can say that I’m a walking contradiction. Today for breakfast, I ate 2 hard boiled eggs, homemade vegetable soup, a banana and then went to the gym. After that I went to a buffet, came home took a nap. Now I’m drinking wine and I may or may not be under the influence of MDMA.