SaTURDay

If nothing gets you out of bed, starvation will.  I could put something healthy inside of me but my starvation level was asking for something high caloric.  Hamburger it is.  I’m not proud of myself or ashamed.  To be honest, paying the $7 for this single burger is what bothers me the most.  I’m not going to lie, it was a good burger.  Since I am semi-health conscious, I did not order fries or a soda.

 

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If this burger could talk it would spit mushrooms

If my day could end now, I would be satisfied.  Unfortunately, the day has more stamina for life than I do but I still have to carry on.  While most people my age are tending to their offspring on a Saturday, I too have responsibilities.  I had to take my friends to the recycling depot.  Once you suck the life out of them, you trade them in for whatever you can get.  In this case, I got back $3.60.

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My favourite homeless guy wasn’t outside today so I pocketed the money.  Well, not really because I walked out with a new friend for $11.99 (regular $13.99).  The clerk ID’d me for my liquor purchase.  

“Looking really good for your age.”

“Well, thank you.”

I get ID’d probably 30% of the time.  It always feels good when people think you might be 16 years younger than you actually are.

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Alright, my maturity level might be under age

After a session of being highly productive, I came back home to watch Arrow.  It’s a good show but not a great show.  A good show is entertaining but a great show sucks you in, makes you feel like you’re part of the story and gets you attached to at least one of the characters.  Arrow is full of people with great bone structure, good bodies, billionaires and trendy fashion.  I couldn’t care less if any of them died from choking on a doughnut.

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After a few episodes of Arrow, I started getting hungry again.  I laid around thinking about what to eat and searched the internet for possible restaurants to go to.  After an hour of contemplation, the lack of excitement for anything outside led me to pull a Cheap Chinaman.

 

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Ewww, looks kind of gross. Noodles, 3 eggs, chunks of SPAM and broccoli in buttered water. Buttered water?

 

This meal would be cheaper if  each egg didn’t cost 60 cents.  Organic, cage free, SPCA Certified eggs don’t come by cheap.  Rice noodles, so it’s gluten free.  No MSG, come to my restaurant, good deal.

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Grand total cost is about $3. I’m ready for another economic recession.

 

The night is still fairly young.  I will probably drink it away and watch some more Arrow.  Hopefully I don’t drink so much that I pass out without flossing because that would be a real tragic end to the night.  I’m a 35 year old who looks like he’s in his 20’s who lives like a 6o year old.  My 80 year old grandma probably lived it up more than I did today.  She goes down to America quite often for shopping and buffet.  I doubt she had SPAM though.

It’s not a big deal really.  The only difference between what I did today and what a lot of people my age usually do comes down to being able to align with a belief.  There wasn’t any bigger purpose to anything I did today because I’m not delusional enough to rationalize one.  Smelling your kid’s butt to see if they shit themselves, going to Costco and pretending to not hate your in-laws at dinner isn’t so great either.  They too probably didn’t have any SPAM for dinner.  Losers.

 

 

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The Fall of the Average Schmuck

A lot of older people don’t see the disenchantment that the younger generation have with working.  Back in their day, they could work some average schmuck job and buy a house, raise a family and even own a car.  To be able to do that on one income these days is the exception.  To be able to do it with 2 average incomes can be considered lucky.

Where I live (Vancouver, Canada), home ownership will never happen for a lot of the younger people unless if they get help from their parents.  An apartment might be possible for some but a house is out of the question.  I live in a 1 million dollar house except I only live in a small section of it that I rent out.  5 years ago this house was $800,000.  5 years before that a similar house was $600,000.  Housing doubled but wages not so much.

You can live further away from the city but then you would have to pay much more in gasoline prices to travel to work.  You could take public transit, maybe, but then you will be spending 3 hours a day just to commute.

To now have that dream life of a house, 2.5 kids, white picket fence or even just part of that life, would likely involve you and your partner to get an education past high school.  Sounds fair enough, except some people just don’t like school or the programs they offer. If this was still a brutal world, the people with average schmuck motivation would die off.

Working an average schmuck job has probably always been mundane but at least in the past, the money you made could justify that misery.  My job pays me enough to buy entertainment, low cost stimulation like alcohol and eating out, with some savings at the end of the month.  I could buy a small apartment but that would also mean giving my boss full ownership of me and not having much money left after the mortgage and bills.  That sucks.  The other option is to find a partner in life and split the cost and space.  That could be okay or it could also suck.

One day soon or even now, being with a significant other will be for survival like in the past, rather than for fulfillment and love.

To evaluate the security of your employment, you have to ask yourself if a machine or a person living in a 3rd world country can possibly one day do your job.

Maybe I should continue working my job, live at my mother’s and buy a nice sports car.  It could be the start of a revolution.

Being Nice and Random Thoughts

People generally like to be nice.  The only problem is the niceness only comes out if a person feels that they are not losing or gaining much. The nicest people are the ones who are satisfied with where they are and what they have in life.  You might be thinking that you aren’t close to satisfaction with your life but you are a nice person.  Perhaps you would be an even nicer person if you were more satisfied.  Or maybe you’re not actually nice.  So I think in order for more people to be nicer they have to have what they want or want less.

I have the day off, it’s 1:52 PM,  sky is blue, sun is shining, and I will likely be hitting the red wine soon.  When it’s unseasonably warm in mid-January, you’re supposed to feel bad for not capitalizing on it.  I did feel bad and then I thought, does it really matter?

I think everyone wants to work, have a partner in life, watch TV, but I don’t think anyone wants to be devoting all their possible availability to them.  It’s true that no one devotes all their time to their job, partner, family, but often they do devote every minute that those entities can possibly take from them whether by law or availability.  The only reason full time employment is no more than 35-40 hours a week is because that’s the law.  Unless of course you are on salary which then means they will have you just before you burnout.  That’s the whole point of putting someone on a salary rather than an hourly wage.

Every one of us is a resource and just like any resource, people try to consume as much of it as they can.  In order to make your life better, the idea is to get someone else to take your misery and to give you pleasure.  If they can suck the life out of you often times they will.

More than anything, people want balance but many times our options are either all or nothing.  Committed monogamous relationship or loneliness.  Full time work or not enough money.

I bought a new hooded sweatshirt today.  It was on sale of course because only retarded people pay regular price.  Regular $60 on sale for $30 but when I went up to pay it came up to $23.  There’s nothing special about the shirt.  The fabric is kind of better than average but the sale price is what I’m all about.  Or maybe I’m secretly shamefully into logos.  Maybe the cool kids will let me hang out with them now.

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The pig sign says “eat fish”…The fish sign says, well I think you can guess

 

 

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Here is some equality

 

Well, have a nice day/night.

 

Self-Motivation is Not For Everyone

So many of us end up spending most of our time working at some place that we don’t want to be at but hoping there is something better out there for us.  Some of us stopped hoping.  Either way, we wonder to ourselves how come we didn’t become something to brag about.

To be successful at anything you have to be really self-motivated.  You have to really want it, not just want it if it worked out smoothly.  Some call it passion and some might call it fear.  Most people don’t operate on passion.  They don’t chase after a certain goal as much as they are running away from something.  Often, the only passion is to not become the classical sense of a loser.

Many of us just run off of the motivation to survive.  It’s frowned upon in this day and age.  If you don’t try to become more than some blue collar level schmuck, you’re viewed in a negative manner.  If you’re not even at that level of motivation then you might as well never come out of your mother’s home.

Surviving used to be quite difficult.  If they had shiny trophies in caveman days, just making it to age 40 would get you the largest one.  It’s part of our DNA for most of us to be happy to just survive.  I don’t think hating yourself for never over-achieving, never accomplishing goals or just wanting to get by should be practiced.  We’re always told we can do anything we want and that it’s our fault if we end up as a mediocre part of society but being really motivated way past survival might not just be possible for many of us.  I don’t think people understand how motivated you have to be in order to achieve success in any part of life.  You have to be in the mindset that there is no option to fail and that good enough isn’t good enough.

Having lots of motivation, passion, drive, whatever you want to call it might be the same as being tall, smart, ugly…you either have it or you don’t.  Physical attributes are black and white but we always tell ourselves that we can light the candle of motivation and that it’s all in our power.  Perhaps we all possess massive amounts of motivation for some area of life but maybe that area of life isn’t useful for anything in today’s world.

People who are really self-motivated are disgusted by people who only want to get by.  They can’t believe you even want to live.  No one only wants to just get by but some just don’t have the motivation to do much better no matter how many times they listen to Anthony Robbins.  The idea of getting by just doesn’t scare them enough.  With so many people wanting to be more than what they are or have now, wouldn’t you think most of us would be in much more better places in life if it really was all up to us?

I’m really not trying to talk you or myself into becoming a loser.  It’s just a thought that seems to have some validity. If this post discourages your motivation in life then you’re not that motivated.

 

Uncle Bill (part 2)

Uncle Bill(part 1)

He may have only been in my life from ages 5 to 12 but he is by far the most memorable person in my life.  I’m not saying that in a positive sense and I’m not saying it in a negative sense either…I’m not sure.   My mom and I lived in his home and I guess he was my legal guardian.   At the time I found most things he did and said quite perplexing.  As the adult years went on, some of things made more sense like an ‘aha’ moment.

He had been married in a previous time and had 2 kids.  He vowed to never marry again.  As a 12 year old I couldn’t quite comprehend because everyone on TV was married.  What happened?  My first experience with soft porn was being exposed to a 4 foot naked painting of him and his ex-wife on their knees holding each other in their arms.  I would often stand by the door way staring at the portrait thinking to myself that he must have been in love with her at that time.   What happened?  He had a tattoo on his forearm of a rose with a thunderbolt through it.  I later found out that it used to be a rose with his ex-wife’s name.   I can’t exactly pinpoint my awkwardness with intimate relationships but I think he had something to do with it.

He was a borderline dictator with his irrational rules.  He had his own recliner chair that he claimed as his throne.  This throne had the only telephone attached to it, and the remote control for the TV by his side.  He was like a cowboy with all the modern conveniences holstered by his side.  The ashtray that held his cigarette corpses and the garbage can were also at arms length.

Rules:

– The remote control never leaves the throne even if he’s not home.

–  Phone conversations must be kept short because the phone was attached to his chair which meant your voice would disturb him.

– You don’t like second hand smoke?  Go outside.

He was a man’s man.  I hardly ever saw him wear a jacket except sometimes when it was raining or snowing.  His hands were stained black from all the grease he encountered from being a truck driver and a grease monkey.  He didn’t take shit from no one.  No one.   He was that typical white man who was born in the 1930’s whose worst nightmare was being called a sissy.  I was never anything like him and still not.

He would refer to the next door neighbour as the ‘chinaman next door.’  When I was growing up, ‘chinaman’ was supposed to be a racist term.  I would look at him when he said it and I could tell he didn’t think there was anything wrong with it.  I thought it was weird being a Chinese kid and having some white guy in the 90’s use the word ‘Chinaman’ so casually in the same room.  I guess ‘Chinaman’ should be no more offensive than ‘whiteman’ or ‘American man.’

We would go to McDonald’s every week and everyone would stare at us.  A 55 year old bearded white guy with a 10 year old Chinese boy.  It looked like I was kidnapped.

We had chipmunks in a cage most of the time.  ‘Chippy’ would climb in a circle all day and lived in a home made from a coconut with a hole drilled in the middle.   I wonder if being in such a close proximity with rodent shit affected me or not.

The Teacher Parent Conferences were always awkward.  It was so weird at the moment, I sensed a weirdness and to this day still remember it but at the time, I could not make sense of it.  The look on the faces of the teachers were priceless.  It was like ‘what the….’   I could be a difficult child in school and if the teachers couldn’t understand why before, they would understand after the Parent Teacher Conferences.

I don’t know what to say about that whole experience with Uncle Bill.  It was weird to say the least.  I guess that’s why I’m kind of weird.

 

About Marriage

Most people at my work are married, or were married and have kids.  There’s more gay people than there are straight people who are not married.  There’s more Jehovah Witnesses than there are straight people who are not married. I’m exaggerating a bit.  Only a bit though because most of the early 20 year olds are not married.  If we’re talking over the age of 4o then I’m not exaggerating.

I was never around married people when I was growing up.  I’m a bastard child and my mom never married.  She had a few relationships with guys that were married in the past or never married as well.   I can honestly say I only wanted to kill one of them.

If you’re never told about marriage by people who have been married for a while, you just think that marriage is something great, if not great then at least better than not being married.  I’m not saying marriage is always bad but I get the impression that it’s common for it to not be that spectacular.

One time, I asked a guy at work who he was going on vacation with.  He said his wife and kids.  I asked him why is he bringing the kids.  He asked,

“You’re not married are you?”

When I replied that I wasn’t he replied,

“I didn’t think so because if you were you would know.  Bringing the kids ensures no intimacy.”

Didn’t know it was that obvious.  Okay, I guess I’m just really unaware about such matters.  It doesn’t totally surprise me now that I know a few guys my age that are married.  I’ve heard similar stories.

Recently, another co-worker came in on his day off which meant it was going to be all overtime pay.  I asked him what he was going to do with the big bucks he was making today.

“It goes to the wife.”

“Really?”

“You’re not married, are you?”

I’m not sure if I ever want to be.  I get all my money taken away from me and I don’t get laid?  It’s like getting mugged by a nun.  I think that’s why married guys like being around each other so that they feel a sense of camaraderie from getting shafted all the time by their wives.

Power corrupts.  If you’re married and there are kids, the wife holds some significant power.  If she divorces you, you’re fucked if you don’t make a lot of money.  She’ll probably get the kids, home and a lot of your money.  That’s a shitty position to be in if you’re the guy so the better alternative is to just keep her happy.  Or kill her.

On the other side of the coin, if the guy is somewhat rich and the woman has nothing going on for her then she often finds herself in a shitty position.  No friends, no looks.  The seemingly best option is to just hang around for the money.

People often become desperate to be married.  When you get desperate you make poor decisions.  Guys play a dangerous game when they marry someone who is significantly better looking than them.  Women play a dangerous game when they marry a man for his money.  If you’re a 5, marry a 5, maybe a 6.  You have to marry someone who can’t get any better than you.  That’s how you make a marriage last.  Or just find a nice person.

 

Life so Far

The ones most likely to betray you are the ones you believe are closest to you.  You give them more of your trust which leaves you more vulnerable.  Being trusting is a weakness.  We want to trust because it allows us to worry less.  Humans tell themselves whatever they need to, to take the easy way out.

The older and poorer a person is, the more likely they will scam you for a significant amount of money.  When you are poor and past what you consider to be young, your hope and options become more bleak which makes you more desperate.  Going through the daily grind isn’t as tolerable as it once was and the thought of grinding it out for another decade or two is disheartening.

Youth equates to hope.  Hope is fleeting when youth deteriorates.  Your boldness subsides to the fear from the lack of time and opportunity.  When people lack options and time, they all of a sudden become nicer people.

People generally don’t care about your happiness, they only want you to be happy if it makes them happy.  Happiness is more of a concept and faith than an actual part of reality.

Drugs aren’t so bad for you if you can keep it to a recreational status.

What you believe is true in life is often just a made up idea that is strongly reinforced by culture.  The labels and ideas taken as gospel are often fictitious with no rational backbone of truth.  The truth that one accepts is often fallacies propagated from ignorance and fear.

The root of most of your misery is derived from what you deem as most important to you.  The realization that what you think is vital to your life is in fact disabling, is a hard pillow to sleep with.  To coast along in denial is much easier than tearing down and rebuilding.

You are a victim to your biology.  You’re only human.  To become a better person though, you have to be less of a human.

Forever is a long time and nothing good is forever.  Nothing bad is forever as well.   Forever is only in movies.  If you see it in movies all the time it means it rarely happens in real life.  Eternal love, flying, dodging 100 bullets from a machine gun, are only seen in movies because it doesn’t happen in real life.  If they made a movie about a regular person’s life, it would be straight to DVD, if that.

Sufficient sleep and a good diet is underrated.

Your failures in life are often the result of high expectations especially when it comes to people.  Well, maybe you were a shitty person as well.  You’ll have to figure that out on your own.

Don’t sacrifice what is important to you for other people because they aren’t going to do the same for you.  People are passengers in a vehicle waiting to get off once they see a better ride.

Words are full of deceit.  Actions mean everything.

Sometimes you may drink a whole bottle of wine on a work-night.