10:35 PM..New Year’s Eve

I had thoughts of inducing a chemical high but stuck with just red wine.  The last two New Year’s Eves I fell asleep before midnight.  Tonight, just for kicks, I might just stay up.  On WordPress, I see New Year’s related posts, most of them positive.  What the hell, I’ll try to be positive as well.  If not positive then at least not so negative.

2014 hasn’t been an exciting year just like 2013, 2012 and if my fading memory serves me right, 2011 as well.  These years have been years of mostly isolation.  The saddest part of this isolation is just the stigma that isolation carries with it.  Accepting the aloneness and even embracing it has brought me to new heights of self-awareness.  Prior to lonerism, being around people or wanting to be around people, distracted me from ever looking within.  Looking deep inside is a scary place.  The truth can be like the rust in your pipes and the sludge in your engine…no one wants to see it.

Evolution is a slow process.  Every half year or so I come across a new understanding of life and myself that I was unaware of in the past.  The past was just a series of keeping myself afloat in a world that I built up for myself that was never meant for me.

Quite possibly, the most enriching part of my recent life has been this blog.  I’m not making money from it nor do I have a large following but it has allowed me to see another side of myself that I did not know existed.  Prior to this blog, I never read or wrote much at all.  The blogosphere is an entirely new world to me.  I’m used to being around people with shitty English and even shittier ideas.

So to me, 2014 is another year for myself in a positive direction.  Just because you haven’t come closer to achieving the things in life that you always thought you wanted, it doesn’t mean you’re not progressing to becoming the person you need to be.  You could be coming closer to attaining that Ph.D in a life more aligned for yourself.

Happy 2015 and beyond.  Love you all.

Happy Birthday to Me

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I like hamburgers

 

 

There’s a day between Christmas and New Year’s that is my birthday.  Yes, I am one of those kids who got shafted with the Christmas/birthday present.  It doesn’t really matter anyway because my mother would have found some excuse to shaft me even if my birthday was in June.

In many parts of the world, a birthday carries some significance.  It’s your special day and the ones closest to you are supposed to celebrate it with you.  Maybe you will get gifts, a free meal and possibly a hug.  If you don’t and if no one even wishes you a happy birthday, you may feel down on yourself.  If no one thinks about you on your birthday it must mean that no one really cares about you, right?  That just might be the truth but maybe not.

As much as I isolate myself, I still get birthday wishes…through text messaging of course.  Birthday notifications are disabled on my Facebook because birthday wishes through Facebook would just piss me off.  You wished me a happy birthday because Facebook told you it was my birthday…I’m so flattered.  People used to even take me out for dinner and I would get gifts as well.  I was all for it and would reciprocate when it came their birthday.  It was great when celebrating a birthday was just a part of what people did for each other but once it became the only day that people would think of me, I became cynical.  Birthday greetings started to appear as cultural obligatory gestures to relieve a guilty conscience.  If someone remembered my birthday, to them it meant they were a decent person in my life.  To me, it seemed probable that if birthdays didn’t exist or did not have any cultural significance, I would have no contact with these people.

Some might think I sound like a needy person.  It’s not that I despise everyone who wishes me a happy birthday.  I despise that people think they care about you just because they remember your birthday.  People are more obsessed with believing cultural ideas than they are with the meaning of their actions or inactions.

Embracing special days is much the same as embracing positive thinking.  Look on the bright side and just play along.  Yes it may be kind of nonsense but you will get by better in life if you welcome such events with open arms.  This is how we live life in our era so just go along with it.  I’m not being sarcastic.  I really mean it.  Being able to do it is another thing though.

The only somewhat positive thing I can take out of people remembering my birthday is that I had people in my life for such a long period of time that they remember my birthday.  Alcoholics Anonymous is a 12 step program.  Maybe Cynicistics Anonymous is much the same and I just took the first step.

The Next Stage of Human Existence

Not wanting children or a mortgage, expedites the mid-life crisis.  Instead of being in your late 40’s saying “now what,” you’re in your 30’s saying it.   You question your existence and the point of life.  When life is all new to you, there is hope in every direction but when the novelty wears off and you step back to reexamine your experiences and the experiences of others, much of what is supposed to be purposeful seems pointless.

Human evolution often occurs after a stretch of redundancy.  When something isn’t working or becomes lack luster long enough, we move on.  The current level of safety and security that we experience today is what humans have been dreaming of since the beginning.  We’ve moved on from safety and security to search for fun, convenience, status and over-indulgence.  We get by life quite easily but what’s the point?

We’ve gone from contributing to a tribe to focusing all of our resources to a select few at most.  Humans are a selfish bunch and the advancement of technology has allowed us to separate and seek out the independence that our selfishness has always desired.

So what is the whole purpose?  To continue an existence predicated by an animalistic mentality that desires maximum self-indulgence and convenience?  I think we have seen that game play out and if you subtract the ego from it, there is not much to be desired.

The main purpose has always been to reach a higher level of happiness.  In order to evolve to the next level , one must climb the mountain in front of them and know that there is nothing special at that peak.  Many in the world have not ever fully tasted #1 and #2 of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.  For those who have, the tendency has been to engage in gluttony and to excessively marinate in the comforts.  I don’t think this recipe has satisfied many of its customers.

I want to think that the next stage of our evolution is to become a more selfless and compassionate species than we are now.   Otherwise it will just be a continuation of feeding our egos with fruitless accomplishments and monkey rationalizations.

Bah Humbug but Merry Christmas

If you can reach the end of this post it gets less Bah Humbuggy.

It’s Christmas Day and I’m all alone with no presents to unwrap.  It was a horrible start to the day.  Thursday is usually a working day and I forgot to turn off my auto alarm.  To look on the bright side, at least I didn’t have to go to work.

I’m starting to understand the Holiday Season.  It’s much like life in that you have to play pretend in order for it to make it work for you.  At work yesterday, many people were wishing everybody Happy Holidays and management was giving out handshakes like you won something.  The feeling I get is that we’re all supposed to be really happy this time of year and to not be would make you a really sad sap.

To be negative/cynical, I couldn’t help but think that the 3 extra days I get off during this ‘Holiday Season’ is not much of a holiday so what’s so monumental about all this?  Jingle Bells, Batman smells.  I could just call in sick for 3 days some other time of year and it would be the same without the wreaths, trees and shitty Christmas music.

Okay, so maybe Christmas isn’t about getting more days off.  Maybe it’s all about getting together with other people who also have some days off.  Can’t that happen on a regular weekend?

Maybe it’s about gifts?  I doubt that too because all that usually ends up happening is the giving and receiving of disappointing presents.  The radio was saying how the average person spends well into the hundreds of dollars on Christmas gifts every year.  I don’t spend any so I thought to myself that I should spend hundreds of dollars on myself.

So what’s so special about the Holiday Season?  I couldn’t really come up with a good answer.  Maybe nothing really. What’s so special about life?  I don’t know.  I think I may have realized that if you don’t easily buy into it,  you’re just supposed to fake it and play along.  Yes, maybe it’s not really that special but for there to be any chance of success, you have to play pretend.

 

 

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There were still many presents and garbage to deliver on Christmas Eve.  I collect duties on some packages and this one had a $74 bill.  Merry Christmas!  $80 – $74 = $6.  A tip!!  Not really though.  I’m pretty sure the old Chinese guy didn’t have anything else so he had to give me $80.  And I didn’t have change!..so I told him anyway.   He took like 5 minutes to get money which was probably 5 minutes of him flipping over every couch cushion looking for exact change.

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I pick up packages to get sent out as well and there’s this old lady who sends out stuff every few months.  She also sends packages out during Christmas.  She loves me because I don’t give her any trouble.  She’s quite feeble so I forge her signature for her whenever needed.  Signatures are retarded anyway.  They are going to do away with signatures some day soon.  That’s my guess anyway.   I always sign using my ‘Brad Pitt’ signature.  She’s nearing the end of her life but she’s still smoking.  I think that’s so cool.  She gave me that box of chocolates and said,

“that’s for you.  don’t you give that to your company.”

I can’t disobey an old lady’s wishes so I will eat it all myself because that’s the kind of person I am.

So, Merry Christmas.  If you didn’t get any good gifts you can praise technology for the ability to find something nice online today.  Just like true Chinese restaurants, the online shopping mall never closes.

The Peon Corporate World

There’s the corporate world where the bigwigs hangout, shake hands and make the world turn and then there’s the corporate world where I reside where handshakes only happen when you get hired or fired.

In my corporate world, you are surrounded by posters with cheesy slogans with faces of people from different colours.  There will be a white guy, black guy, a female of any colour and some other guy who satisfies the category of a Hispanic, Asian and North American Indian.  “Just find some light brown skinned guy who has black hair.  Make sure his eyes are a little slanty but not that slanty.”

You are forced to go to meetings where someone ‘special’ will be speaking.  It’s usually some white person in a cheap suit talking BS about how important you are to the company.  You can rationalize that your role is important but the fact that you are so replaceable would have to tell you otherwise.  The director of some shitty department cracks corny jokes and everyone laughs.  They brag about 4th quarter profits and everyone claps.  I don’t clap just to show them how much I don’t give a fuck.  But they might just think it’s me being a stereotypical shy emotionless Asian.  I’d have to kick someone in the balls to get any respect around here.

They try to make you feel special by giving you these lame awards now and then.  “Thank you Mr. Johnson for all your hard work.  Here’s a $5 gift card to some shitty place because only a shitty place has anything for under $5.”  I’m not saying I deserve more but $5 doesn’t give you the right to embarrass me in front of all the other peons.  Can’t you just hand it to me privately without the speech, handshake and applause?  What am I, 5 years old?  “Let’s give Mr. Johnson an applause and $5 for not wetting his pants this school year.”

Living in a city with a large population of Asians, you will also come across the Asian trying to climb the corporate ladder.  They will get up in front of a room and do their best white person impression.

“Hey guys, it’s really great to be here.  I’m looking forward to getting to know each and everyone of you.  Thank you for all your hard work and I want to let you know how much we appreciate all of you.  Without you, none of this would be possible.”

The day begins with “how’s it going” and the day ends with “have a good one.”  For some, it goes on for 25 plus years. That doesn’t sound so bad to some people because that means you had work for your whole life.  Why does that notion make me want to kill myself?  I refuse to lock myself into that life.  To be surrounded by all that corporate BS is one thing but to have no choice is something else.  I want the option of being able to tell my boss to “fuck off.”  It sounds immature for a person in his 30’s to have such a mentality but signing your life away to a bunch of people who don’t care about you seems foolish.  They may provide enough security but it’s far from luxury.  If I let an old bald white guy own my life then I haven’t evolved from repressive times.  He can sprinkle all the white sugar he wants on the situation but it would still be glorified slavery.  And no, I don’t hate white people..hahaha

Getting Laid is More Important Than Food

The one thing you learn about watching animal documentaries is that for males of all species, getting laid is more important than food.  For many species, males will fight for the right to breed even if it possibly means death.  Other extremes males will go to is kill the young that do not carry his blood to entice the female to mate again.

I just killed your kids, so let’s have sex, okay? 

This takes place with African cats, dolphins and bears just to name a few.   There are species of birds and insects that put on a show to try to impress the female.  They do dances, show their vibrant colours and build nests until the female is satisfied.  Humans are not so much different than the animal kingdom.  It’s really the only reason why guys try to make more money, buy nice cars and spend money on useless shit.

You would think finding food would be the top priority but from my research I think getting laid is more important.  Most mammals will not risk injury for a meal.  They have a mental process when they see prey.

1) How hungry am I?

2) Can that thing hurt me?

3) How easy is it going to be to kill that thing?

4) How much energy do I have left?

When it comes to mating, there are no questions.  The 5 seconds of pleasure or the absolute need to reproduce trumps everything else.  It truly is only 5 seconds of pleasure.  All these animals just get in, dump their load and get out.  Sex was never supposed to last long.  It was designed to be fast because you never know what can happen in an instant.  A lion can’t be humping for an hour when there are hyenas everywhere and an antelope can definitely not be humping for an hour with lions around.

Another thing you learn about predatory animals is that they go for the easy kill.  They hardly ever go after a full size adult.  Killing calves isn’t even as low as they will go.  If they get the chance they will steal a kill from a smaller animal.  Lions steal from leopards and they steal from cheetahs.  It’s really an unfair game and you can’t help but feel bad for an animal that gets robbed of their hard earned game.  It’s just like humans taking the easy way out.  Why get a prostitute when you can get a rubber woman?  Why get a rubber woman when you can just masturbate?

Drinking and Writing

I wonder how many of you out there write blog posts under the influence of alcohol.  It’s not uncommon for me to do so and sometimes, like yesterday, I drank, drugged and wrote.  Yep, I put substances inside of me and got behind the laptop. I find it quite enjoyable to write under such influences but sometimes feel a bit of regret.  Just a bit.

Maybe one day our computers will have breathalyzers attached to them.  If you breathe over the legal writing limit, it won’t turn on or at least block you from certain sites.  It will politely tell you that you are too intoxicated to be unleashing your drunken garbage on the internet.

There must be millions of internet users at one time drunk or on drugs or both.  Where else is some inebriated person going to gravitate to when they are at home?  The internet of course, where someone out there might be listening and if they aren’t then you make them listen by saying something stupid to get a reaction.

It would be nice to one day see a time stamped blood alcohol level beside your WordPress gravatar.  That way, you know if a person is being retarded because they are drunk or if they are simply just retarded.

 

Lacking Character

Our world has evolved to be a bunch of people who lack character.  We walk around giving the impression that we are more than a species who let the wind dictate our loyalties but in reality we have no code.

A person who lacks character is someone who will do what an animal would do…give into their instincts.  It’s much easier to do this in the world we live in today because of our disconnectedness.  You can fuck someone over and possibly never see them again regardless if you were friends all your life.  No one has to face up to their actions.

To me, lacking character is the same as being a weasel..you see something you want or something that will make your life easier and then you try to rationalize to yourself that you deserve it no matter whose feelings you hurt.

The only code today that I see is the code of not making yourself feel bad.  Technology has helped this.  As long as you send a text message whether it be to one recipient or 20, it means that you’re thoughtful.

The unfortunate truth that I have experienced in life is that everyone is just waiting to capitalize on their situation.  Everyone and anything is just a vehicle to get to where they want to be.  Once they get to their destination, you can see them waving goodbye.  While they are on the same ride they will do what is necessary but once you drop them off then the allegiance is over.

Sure, there will be obligatory gestures of good faith but they are few and far between and worthless.  The truth is, you are on your own if no one needs you.

Alcohol is at least just as bad as drugs

It’s amazing that what a culture accepts becomes right or wrong regardless of logic or truth.  Alcohol sold at the liquor store is 5 to 40% poison. Poison.  Poison.  But it’s okay because it’s legal.  Drugs however, are bad because they are illegal.  I feel a little bit like a retard that I have to even say this.  Drugs are only bad though if they are illegal even though there are plenty of prescription drugs that do the equivalent of illegal drugs.  How many legal forms of heroin are out there?  It’s crazy.

You can see your friends on Sunday and tell them how wasted you got at the club or bar the night before like it’s something to brag about.  “Holy shit, I got so wasted. I was falling everywhere and puked my guts out.”  Actually, if that’s what happened then you probably wouldn’t be saying much the next day.  See, a good way to decipher the dangers of a substance is how shitty you feel the next day.

Eating fried chicken and getting diarrhea the next day.  Drinking 15 shots of whiskey and being borderline dead the next day and possibly the next after that.  There are plenty of illegal drugs that leave you less damaged the next day than a night of alcohol.

People are fucking retarded though.  There’s this popular notion that if you make drugs like heroin legal that there will be less desire for it which is stupid.  Alcohol is legal.  Almost everyone has tried alcohol.  Not everyone has tried heroin.  Hardly anyone has tried heroin.  The reason why everyone has not tried heroin is because it’s not as easy to come by and there is a huge social stigma with it.  No one will accept you if you do heroin but no one gives a shit if you drink alcohol on a regular basis.

Could you get heroin right now?  Probably not.  You have to either know someone who sells it or does it but I can get all the liquor in the world at 9am on a Saturday.

There’s no difference between a drug dealer and the liquor store clerk.  They both know they are potentially poisoning someone.  At least the drug dealer is not hiding behind some social guise of acceptance.  The liquor store clerk is just as immoral.  The amount of shit that happens because of alcohol is huge.  Violence, drinking and driving and unwanted pregnancies.  The only reason why alcohol is legal is because prohibition failed and it’s better to join them if you can’t beat them.

Saturday Morning Misadventures

I just came home from a little bit of eating and shopping.  It wasn’t half as glamorous as I’m unglamorously making it to be.  I went to Mcdonald’s to get 1 Sausage & Egg McMuffin ($3.45).  To save money and a caffienne attack, I brought my own decaf coffee.  I’ll park my car in the parking lot facing the restaurant so that I can people watch as I semi-guiltfully eat my McMuffin.  There was a time when I would buy 2 McMuffins but every time I felt like a loser after so I cut it out.

The liquor store is a few streets away so I stopped by there to pick up 3 bottles of wine($35.45).  When I pick up only 1 bottle it’s often a sign of my denial.  Currently, I am at peace right now with my drinking.  The only time I detox is when I start thinking about the money that I’m spending which sends me straight to Cheap Chinaman Mode.  The liquor store has a great number of shoppers who are not in denial nor cheap.  They stroll around the store with a rolling basket filled with bottles of wine and hard liquor.  I’m quite certain they are not buying them for their restaurant.  You can’t help but feel like a loser when you’re at the liquor store in the morning hours.  There’s really only 2 non-loser reasons why one would be at a liquor store in the morning..

1) They own a restaurant and are buying liquor for their restaurant.

2) They are buying liquor in preparation for an evening get together.

You know for sure though a lot of people are purchasing liquor like take-out food.  They buy it and start drinking it as soon as they get home.

After the liquor store, I went to the local supermarket to purchase a couple items and dropped by a Walmart type store and bought some batteries(on sale of course).   I didn’t want to go home yet because I know there would be a good chance I would just start drinking and it’s not even noon yet.  But, I’m home.  Perhaps I’m writing this to stave off drinking.

The often unfortunate truth about life is that you will never die right away from your careless actions.  You will suffer for a long time and then die.  I don’t care too much about croaking on the spot but the thought of having to live a life of semi-torment is the worst punishment.

Being on my computer as I am right now, it makes me think that leaving the house is semi-foolish.  Why get in my car to drive around using gas when I could turn this thing on and shop anywhere I like?  You can have video conversations through your computer which almost means that one day there’s going to be a very advanced version of that.  You’re going to put on some helmet and be able to hang out with people in some simulated environment that will feel just as real as real life.

So now for the most important decision of the day.  Which bottle should I open first?