Who Needs People?

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Look at all these friends

 

Amazon.ca has its grip on me right now.  I’m going to let you in on how much of a cheap person I am.  There’s a method to my madness.  Every Blu-ray purchase needs to go through a series of requirements.

1) How much?
2) Can I get it off Craigslist for cheaper?
3) Does 1 hour of work get me at least quadruple the amount of time in entertainment?
4) Stellar reviews?
5) Is it possible I can get it for cheaper?

If the answer to all these questions brings no uncertainty then it’s a go.  Many times I will get my shipment 2 days after ordering even if I select the free service that promises a delivery time between 5-8 days.

Amazon has already begun selling food and I think it’s just a matter of time before they start offering alcohol.  Who wouldn’t want alcohol delivered to their home?  As long as there is an adult signing for the delivered alcohol, I don’t see why there would be any issues.  If we progress even further, there will one day be hookers/escorts available for online delivery.  We’re a species that has constantly been progressing towards greater convenience.

If you’re single, the picture beneath may make you think ‘loser’ but if you’re married you might just see a sanctuary. Well, I hope you all have a goodnight.  I have a party to attend.

 

 

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Let the party begin!!

 

Daily Prompt: Companion

Wanting to be White and Blu-ray Binging

I bought the first 4 seasons of Sons of Anarchy off some really fat dude from Craigslist.  I finished all 4 seasons in 10 days without even trying.  Keep in mind I work full time too.  As much of a commandment of loserism this may be, I felt quite content with getting sucked in by the HD video, 5.1 surround sound minus 2 (no rear speakers) and alcohol by my chair-side.

I’m too cheap to buy a TV series in Blu-ray because many of them are in the $30-$50 range per season.  That could work out to $5 an episode.  No way Jose Eduardo Sanchez.  My game plan is to buy them at a discounted price, watch them and then resell them on Craigslist.  If I can pull it off then I can possibly get my money back or at least be able to watch a season for only a few dollars.  Before reselling them I can lend them to someone else to watch too.

sons-of-anarchy

 

There was a time for a long time that I used to really like being Asian.  Lately, I’ve been wishing I was white.  Even though a couple of these guys are not very good looking, one is kind of fat…I think I would enjoy going through life looking like any of these guys than myself.  I could ride a Harley Davidson, walk around with a healthy beard and drink beer all day.  I look like a guy who hasn’t finished puberty yet.  I’m 5’6″(170cm) and have no hair on my chest.  When I try to grow facial hair it makes me look like a pervert.  There are other reasons why I would want to be white but I’ll save that for another time.

The option of pirating TV shows from the internet is there but my internet sucks and Blu-ray quality would take forever to download.  I have Netflix but again, my internet sucks and there isn’t many HD selections for Canada.  So why not just get better internet installed?  Because I’m too cheap to pay $60 to $80 a month.  Plus I have commitment issues.

Binge watching TV shows gets really addicting.  After a while the theme song plays in your head all day and you feel like the people in the show have become part of your life.  When it all ends, you feel a withdrawal.  I’m pretty hooked on the 1080p video quality.  If I spend the rest of my life just watching videos, my memories when I’m in my golden years will not be starring myself but the people acting in all the shows I’ve watched.  I sound like a big time nerd.

Grammar Snobbery…Reading With Your Nose Up

Some people loathe poor grammar as much as some people loathe poor manners.  They read a piece of writing and become appalled at grammar errors like a belch at the dinner table.  First thought that comes to mind is, what’s wrong with this person?

Like Chris Tucker says to Jackie Chan’s character in the movie Rush Hour, “do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?”

Do you understand the words that are coming out of this screen?  Even if the grammar was atrocious, I think you would.  Not wanting to read someone’s writing because of their written English errors is like not wanting to have a conversation with someone because of their less than perfect spoken English.  Would you rather hear about the tales of a person who lived an interesting life in broken English or the life of an English language scholar who lived in a box their whole life?  Sorry Sultan of Brunei.  Your English is not good enough so I don’t want to talk to you.

I guess their isn’t a rite or wong when it comes down to what you prefer.  You like what you like.  If I possessed advanced basketball playing skills then I would only get enjoyment from playing with people who had similar skills. Why would I want to play with someone who sucks?

I think sometimes that’s the rationale behind reading blogs.  Readers with advanced written English skills prefer to read posts written by people with a similar skill level.  I think I prefer that as well but when it comes to writing…grammar and other English correctness is not the be all and end all.  To disregard the content of an article because of simple grammar mistakes is letting your ego get the better of you.

If the grammar and spelling are so poor that it becomes a chore to comprehend then it would make sense that you would might not want to continue to read.  But most grammar and spelling mistakes are just errors of formality that can easily be understood.  Can you understand this?… Yo, wazzup bro.  We gotta get goin cuz we gonna be l8.  If you can understand that then you can easily figure out that their was supposed to mean there and its was supposed to be it’s.  If you can easily understand then what’s the big deal?  It might not be the exquisite piece of written art you were hoping for but it might have as much to offer.  The idea seems to be that if your grammar is not up to snuff then it’s an indication of the quality of material that you are able to produce.

My written English is good enough for most but at the same time probably not ideal.  Proof reading for me is more of a chore than it would be for others who are more advanced at written English. There’s going to be more errors on my first draft which means I am more likely to miss something when I reread it.  Sometimes I make simple English errors and don’t know any better.  When it comes to errors with misplaced modifiers, words that should be capitalized or a semicolon…if it bothers you that much then I guess we can’t be internet friends because I’m just a ghetto blogger.

Stellar grammar would be ideal because there isn’t any confusion when reading a grammatically correct piece of writing.  Even people with a sub-par English understanding will better comprehend a grammatically correct piece of writing than an atrocious one.

I know, I know, it seems confusing to some people that so many can mistake using their for there but just like anything else, if it happens often then there’s a perfectly good explanation for it.  It might not be perfectly glamourous but it’s justifiable.  Perhaps they dropped out in the 8th grade and spent their adolescent years living on the streets.  Maybe correct grammar is so overwhelming for them that checking all aspects of their written English would not be worth its while for a mere blog.  Maybe that’s just too bad for them.

Again, in the end, it’s your preference as to what you want to read.  I bet you though, the formally uneducated homeless adolescent has many more interesting poorly written stories than most grammatically correct university graduates and working stiffs.

 

 

 

‘That’s So Gay’….Yay or Nay?

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I guess that kid is supposed to be gay. Or else he is not gay and feeling guilty for using the above phrase.

 

This picture was taken by me while I was at an elementary school doing a delivery.  I had no idea this movement was getting this kind of advertising.  I laughed when I saw it.  Some may label me as an asshole for finding it amusing but that’s okay.  Apparently using ‘gay’ as a derogatory term needs more attention than any other words that are considered offensive.  How come there are no posters to deter the use of the terms ‘motherfucker’ or ‘cocksucker’?  Are the feelings of gays more important than the feelings of mothers, the people who have sex with them or people who like to give oral sex to men?

It seems that any group that makes up less than 10% of the population want to make a stink about something.  Gay people want this, fat people don’t want to pay for 2 seats on an airplane when their ass takes up 2 seats, feminists want everything, etc.

I realize that I probably sound like an old white racist guy who won’t give up the word ‘nigger.’  I’m sure this just don’t say gay movement will likely see better success once people from my generation die off.  I’m not sure what the goal is though.  Is it to deter people from using ‘gay’ in a derogatory sense in public or is it to deter people from even saying it behind closed doors with their like minded buddies?  If it’s the latter then it will never happen.  Who really yelled out ‘that’s so gay’ in public before anyway?

From the message of the poster, it sounds like they don’t want people saying it when a gay person is around to hear it.  Okay.  That’s just common knowledge unless if you are an asshole.  I guess the idea might be that you don’t know if someone is gay or not.

Sometimes something is so gay and it’s not really meant in a negative way.  If someone bought me a tight pink shirt, I think it would be accurate to say that it’s so gay.  It might even be a compliment because gay guys tend to dress better than straight guys.

When my boss is making life miserable at work, soon I won’t be able to say, ‘I’m getting fucked up the ass by my boss’

We’re offended because there is nothing wrong with getting fucked up the ass.

I don’t know about you but I’m not giving up on saying ‘it’s so gay’ anytime soon.  I will use discretion when I use it, as I always have.

 

Cheap Chinaman Mode

Being born in Canada, I should be referred to as a Canadianman but I guess I’m not far enough away from immigrant roots yet.  Also, the closer you are to your immigrant roots, the better chance that you will be cheap.  Not cheap like a cheap hooker but cheap like a person who will only pay for cheap hookers.

Cheapness hits me unexpectedly.  It often happens after a bit of remorse from indulging in spending.  It’s kind of like the opposite to battered woman syndrome.  I get hit with a payment that is bigger than usual and I get scared and runaway to my sanctuary of cheapness.

There’s a reason why children of immigrant parents can be cheap.  Most of the time we come from parents who lived their whole lives in starvation mode.  They never experienced Postwar Prosperity or the trickle down effects from it.  Their whole existence was in a recession/depression.

Being Canadian in this generation has slowly taught me to ease up on the death grip on my cash.  Being cheap and not cheap is a love hate relationship for me.  I’m good at controlling myself but sometimes I just don’t give a shit.

Last night I cheaped out and had my classic dish of rice, eggs and Spam.  I felt good about myself like a cheap bastard.  Wow, I saved like $10.  Once there’s food in your stomach of any kind, you really don’t care that you didn’t go out for better food.  It’s when you’re hungry that you make the bad decisions.

Since Saturday night was so uneventful, I decided to walk to this Japanese restaurant to get sushi.  It wasn’t that cheap.  Some would say it’s expensive.  It really depends on who you talk to.  This cheap Chinaman says it’s definitely more than average.  I’m sure a yuppie would see it as normal.

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At least $3 a piece. Also had gyozas(not pictured).

When I looked at my bill, one of the first things I thought was how I could of spent $10 on a meal and spent $20 on anything else instead of $25 on 5 pieces of sushi and 5 small gyozas(dumplings).  It’s not a lot of food so next time I will have to pre-eat or post-eat if I want to feel full.  This is how the mind of a cheap person operates.

As human beings we’re always trying to make ourselves feel better whether we are feeling bad or even if we are already feeling good.  I rationalized the money spent on this meal by telling myself that if I had kids and a wife, this $25 would have only been an outing at McDonald’s.  I don’t have kids so it’s all for me.

So now I’m back to cheap mode.  Tonight I will be having rice, supermarket BBQ chicken, bits of Spam and broccoli.  The BBQ chicken will last another 3 meals and I will use the bones to make Chinese gruel(congee).  The cost of rice amounts to nickels and a can of Spam lasts me almost 10 servings.

I’m a bad person for over spending on food this afternoon so I must be punished.  I went against the cheapness in my DNA.  The regret is going to eat me up inside for a few days.  I’ll get over it and go through the same vicious cycle.

Being Sick is Awesome

I’m one that hates being sick because I’ve called too many people pussies for being sick.  I get sick every few years maybe.  I’m not really even that sick but sick enough that I don’t want to do anything.  It’s a relieving feeling because being sick gives my ego a break.  I can do nothing and not feel bad about it.  Some might say it’s a pity because it’s a statutory holiday today and the sun is shining.  I say whatever.

It makes me wonder what cavemen did when they were sick.  Could they just lay around doing nothing and get away with it?  Would one of their cavebuddies go find food for them?   I could barely find the motivation to drive myself to a restaurant to order food, have someone cook it and have someone bring it to me.  If I was more sick than I am, I would want someone to feed me too.

Perhaps cave people never got sick then?

I doubt it.  Even in warmer climates there had to be some insect or bacteria that got to them.  Maybe caveman life was much more civilized than we think.  They possibly practiced compassion to a high degree.  When one of them was sick the others would bring him/her freshly picked pineapples and tuck them in with a saber tooth tiger pelt.  I’m sure if war with another tribe broke out the sick would have to fight or die but I think most of the time it was peaceful in a stable habitat.

Being sick is a recognized temporary disability.  No one expects much from you and you get sympathy.  I’m generally getting sick of giving myself excuses but today I’m content with this one.

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It looks like I’m either sick or masturbating a lot or both.

Delivering Stuff for a Job

When people ask me my feelings towards my job my answer is that there are worse jobs out there.  I mean that in a positive way too.  Many people would kill for my job and some would kill themselves if they had to come down to my level.   The real sad thing is that the job that I have now was pretty much the ideal job that I wished for when I was a young adult.  It’s sad because those are some really low expectations.  Be careful for what you wish for.  I guess sometimes you are compelled to only shoot so high when you are way down below.

My job is pretty easy.  I drive around the same area every day and deliver stuff to mainly residential areas.  There are challenges just like any other job.  One of my challenges is to avoid stepping on dog shit.  It’s everywhere and it’s hardly ever the dried up crusty kind.  Almost always it’s fresh enough to get stuck in deep between the treads of your shoe sole.  I used to average stepping on dog shit every 1.5 months.  The really shitty thing is that you don’t notice until you’ve tracked it into your vehicle and smeared the dog shit all over your pedals.  All of a sudden you smell something stinky and it resembles dog shit.  Of course when it smells like you’ve stepped on dog shit, you almost certainly have.  Now I have to waste my drinking water to clean it all up.

The culprit that lays those traps is the same lovable animal that brings me much joy when I encounter it at a customer’s home.  Often it will come towards me and bury its snout in my crotch area.  It’s a lovable gesture but it also makes me feel awkward as its owner is witnessing their dog being a pervert.  Or am I the pervert for not pushing the dog away?  You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t.  I always ask the owner if I can give the dog a treat and inside I’m praying they will say yes.  It’s one of the more enjoyable aspects of my job.

Most of the time people aren’t expecting you when you knock on their door.  Sometimes you get to see people at their worse.  No makeup, half makeup, morning erections, nothing but a towel around their waste, you name it.  Once in a while I get lucky and get to see a lot of cleavage but most of the time that cleavage belongs to an old obese woman in lingerie.  People with deformities or unsightly physical conditions are not uncommon.  You don’t get to see these people in public because most of them probably never step out of their homes much.  When you step into a home of someone who is in a wheel chair with deformed limbs, you get a new appreciation for your life.  Of course, that appreciation doesn’t last very long but just experiencing that feeling will leave a permanent file in your memory bank.

Most of my deliveries are documents, items for resale purposes and items that people buy online.  Shoes, clothing, nutritional supplements, jewelry, wine and electronic goods are some of the most popular.  My guess is that they are packaged really well because they don’t get a lot of TLC during the whole transportation process and most packages make it home alive.  It’s not uncommon to get damaged packages but the casualties are not staggering.

My favourite customers are old ladies.  They are usually pretty lonely and probably happy to see me.  Most of the time they are pleasant and watching them sign my machine can be comical.  The whole signature thing is stupid.  No one’s signature ever looks like anything so I can’t see how it would hold up if there was ever a dispute.  I guess you can’t break tradition.  Sometimes I just sign it for people if their hands are dirty or if I see that they just came out of the washroom after possibly taking a #2.  I don’t want fecal matter on my pen and machine.

Once in a while I will get a tip.  The most I have ever received was $10.  If anything, $2 or less is the norm and that only happens every other week.  I haven’t figured out a way yet to manipulate people into giving me a tip.  The best I have come up with is to offer only partial change when they owe money.  If you can give them enough change so that it’s close enough to being even then they will usually say it’s okay.

As easy and somewhat enjoyable as my job can be, having to do it 5 days a week, 8 hours a day isn’t so great.  What’s worse is the thought of having to do it for the rest of my non-wrinkly and diaper free wearing life.  We’ll see what happens.  I’m sure there will be a Part 2 to this post somewhere down the road.