There was a time, for a long time that I wanted certain things. I would daydream about my life with these things. I used to picture myself driving a really nice car and thought how cool it would be. That was a time when I identified with certain people and wanted admiration from all others.
Then I cut myself off physically and mentally. The realization that dawned on me was that most of the things that I wanted was what everyone else wanted. Once I separated myself none of it mattered. I no longer needed to fit in. It was a definite tribal mentality that fueled my past behaviour.
Along with separating myself came the loss of identity. It’s almost a cliche term but don’t underestimate the role your identity plays in your life. In fact, it is your life. Without your identity you feel like a nobody. You have no title and no allegiance. I do have a few titles but none of them bring me any sense of importance or purpose. I’m not a father, husband, boyfriend, dog owner, friend, gang member, CEO or SOB.
Now that I don’t want so much it makes life a little dull. Life seems to be a series of chasing a million things that don’t matter. Now life doesn’t really even matter so much especially in the philosophical sense.
It’s very difficult to give up your identity no matter how much misery it is causing you because without your identity you feel like a no one. We defend to death with what we identify with because in more primitive eras our identity was really all we had and we’re still operating on primitive wiring. We needed to be part of a tribe and hold some sort of position in order to survive.
To be honest, I forgot what my intended subject matter for this post was. I started writing because I thought of how seeing people drive nice cars doesn’t make me envious at all anymore. I still like nice cars but I picture myself driving one and can’t imagine it doing much for me in the department of feeling good. I drive an ugly grey sedan that is fit for an old fogie but it doesn’t matter because I have no one to impress including myself. I don’t even think about buying new clothes unless I need them. So ya, your way of thinking is often based on the type of people you identify with and not your true self. I guess you can say I used to use false identification that expired but now isn’t likely to be renewed. I think I’ll opt for a legitimate one so that I can stop being a fraud and live in peace.