Ready for the Apocalypse


In a post apocalyptic world, I will reign supreme.  With the The Better Business Bureau no longer existing, BBB will take on a new meaning.  I will have an ample supply of beans, bullion and bullets.  No one can fuck with me and I’ll get all the bitches.  I wouldn’t be able to trust any of these women though so locking up my 3 B’s as well as hiding the key is a must.  It might be beneficial to take in another male for added muscle but then I’d have to worry about him intruding on my women.  On second thought, I’d better lock my B’s in a safe with a combination lock instead of  a key.  They can take my key but they can’t take my brain.

Metal detectors will make its way up the food chain of devices.  People are going to bury some of their valuables and I will definitely bury some of my 3 B’s.  I won’t be able to trust anyone in the beginning but I think I’m going to have to sooner or later.  The constant paranoia would be taxing.  It might be a domino effect though.  I let someone in, give them the key to my heart then the key to my 3 B’s and that will be the beginning of the end.  Forget it, no bitches.  The 4th B will just complicate things.

The yuppies think they are all that now but wait until the apocalypse comes.  Their $100 t-shirts and foodie knowledge ain’t going to do shit for them.  The fall from up high is hard and they will have no beans to cushion their fall.   With no beans they will be stealing small yappy dogs for food.

My mother will be out there somewhere but I’m not going to worry about her too much because in this new world my inheritance has no value.  I hope she was smart enough to stock up on some beans.  I haven’t decided if I’m going to keep my landlord and his wife around.  They mind their own business upstairs but sooner or later they are going to come knocking for my beans.  By then they will likely have the characteristics of a zombie, walking around all disoriented and desperate.  I might have to use a couple bullets and put them out of their misery.  I guess that would make me a bad tenant.

When Friday night rolls around, it will be just like old times.  You have to treat yourself every so often and taking a break from beans is a must.  I will be having Spam a la mode.







10 comments on “Ready for the Apocalypse

  1. foreverendever says:

    Spam? You fancy fuck.

    You have the ammo and beans down…. what about filtering water?


  2. You forgot Band-aids.


  3. cctyker says:

    You describe one of the advantages to being an old guy. I don’t have to worry about staying alive and suffering just to wake up hungry, or lonely, or frightened, or animalistic. I’ve lived three quarters of a century, and struggling like a pet dog thrown out of the house just to see another sun rise doesn’t sound all that inviting to this old guy. Enjoy your suffering young ones, a few guys my age probably did stupid things that caused you to suffer the future.


    • MrJohnson says:

      Just because you said that you are going to live until the age of 104. The only thing worse than suffering in a crappy world is suffering while being an old guy. But ya, you’re right, you will probably be dead in a decade or so. The world should still be decent for you. I think your generation lucked out being able to live in this world during its probable best.


      • cctyker says:

        I agree my generation lucked out. I hope in some way yours does too. It’s interesting to notice the difference between generations caused by events and attitudes no one has any control over. I turned 11 in 1950, the wars were over, prosperity was increasing rapidly, life was without fear of international events or stupid legislative decisions. Millions of American males had be killed, wounded or traumatized for the rest of their lives. The mood of people turned hopeful and expectant. It was all over. Now there seems to be a sense of resignation and as you expressed, defiant anger. And none of it was caused by either of us. We are in the world we found ourselves in.


  4. lightpuma says:

    lol wut???


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