Pizza is Glorified Cheese Bread

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Almost everyone loves pizza.  Some people who are lactose intolerant will even sometimes sacrifice their well being because pizza is so irresistible.  What is pizza?  A lot of bread, some cheese, tomato sauce and toppings.

A recent outing to the local Pizza Hut destroyed my love for pizza.  My cousin and I ordered a small pepperoni and mushroom pizza.  When it came out I stared at it and started counting the pieces of pepperoni.  It was like 1 piece per slice.

Our server was friendly so we decided to be asses. “Excuse me, we’re just wondering how many pieces of pepperoni should be on a small pizza?”

Sher goes to the kitchen, comes back and tells us that a small pizza(6 slices) comes with 10 pieces of pepperoni.  That’s 1.6 pieces of pepperoni per slice so some slices will only have 1 and if a slice were to be really unlucky, it could have half a pepperoni while another one will have 2 but even 2 is not even that great either.

A slice of pizza is pretty much half a sandwich.  If you were to take 2 slices of pizza and slap them together it would be an oily sandwich.  In this case it would be a sandwich with 3.2 small pieces of pepperoni and a few small slices of mushrooms that almost look like they were there by accident.  If you were to make a regular sandwich and it only had 3.2 small pieces of pepperoni, most would consider that to be a really crappy sandwich.  If it had any less pepperoni it would just be cheese bread.

The economics behind making pizza is very similar to the economics behind making Chinese food.  Here is some Chinese Food 101 for you all.  Have you ever noticed that the meat in almost all Chinese dishes is sliced or diced?  This is done to give the illusion that you are getting a sufficient amount of meat.  If you took that sliced/diced/shredded meat and glued it back together, you would get a piece of meat that is the size of a finger or two.  Try it next time.  Take half a pork chop or half a chicken leg, slice it, dice it and it will look like a lot of meat for 1 person.  That’s why a dish of rice and shredded pork with 2 pieces of vegetables is $6 but people don’t care because it’s cheap, tastes good and it’s filling.  Cheap meals are based on the foundation of lots of starch and very little of every thing else.

I will always like pizza but it is glorified cheese bread and shouldn’t even be eaten like a meal.  It’s not uncommon to eat 3 or 4 slices of a medium pizza but I think 1 slice is more appropriate.  Eating multiple slices is like eating multiple muffins with melted cheese.  Who eats 4 muffins in a sitting?

Perhaps I’m not a nice person for defaming pizza but I just call it like I see it.  It’s the taste of the oily crust and melted cheese that forces you to look beyond the lack of substance a pizza really has.  Pizza is an impostor.

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18 comments on “Pizza is Glorified Cheese Bread

  1. Finally someone said it

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  2. kalyrical says:

    HAHA. Wow rarely do I hear people complain about pizza. All I ever hear are praises towards that flatbread smothered in cheese and tomato sauce.

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  3. Oh no he di’n’t!!!

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  4. Expat Eye says:

    You take that back!
    I’m one of the weirdos who need equal toppings on every bite so I’ll carve up a triangle of pineapple to make it fit the amount of ham etc, and vice versa. I’m not a good date 😉

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  5. Seriously, the man is still expected to pay? So outdated!

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    • MrJohnson says:

      I can’t see that expectation going away anytime soon. Why would that many women want to see an expectation like that go away? It’s like asking the government to charge you for tap water when it’s free.

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      • Because a lot of women don’t want the man to pay—now it’s like she owes him something. It’s awkward. It’s different if the guy is rich and the girl is poor, but what if the guy is living paycheck to paycheck like most people are? What a double standard—strong independent woman requires fully paid meal. I don’t even know what a date is anymore. Is this like the first date, or the third, or are they by now going out together?

        I forgot to mention the pizza. I agree that most pizzas are posers (esp. in AZ, my god!) but there are masterpieces too, like when everything is perfect, your personal dream pizza. I got spoiled on the east coast.

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        • MrJohnson says:

          If a man is living paycheck to paycheck then you don’t go on a date with him..hahaha. Men don’t want strong women. We want someone with low self-esteem who have no chance of leaving us because they rely on us financially 100%. If they are strong and independent then they have the option to leave when we domestically abuse them.

          ‘Dates’ are a term to make hanging out awkward. I think I am going to learn to make my own pizza and bury it with toppings. What is it about east coast pizza that makes it so good?

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  6. Haha that’s a funny explanation with probably a lot of truth. I should’ve thought of that before my first date with the poorest guy in CT (no money spent at all). And here I am still with him all these years later, broke as ever. I used to go out with guys with money but they weren’t real enough for me. I shoulda faked it.

    Well first of all back east they actually put sauce on the pizza, which I require large amounts of. Good Italian sauce. Lots of toppings. The crust didn’t resemble dried-out cardboard. Here, no matter how much you beg for sauce when you order, they only put a tiny bit on, you can’t see it or taste it. But they’re happy to give you as many little packets of jalapeno sauce as you want. Disgusting. The pizza here looks like the picture in your post. Where’s the sauce? It’s just bread with a thin layer of cheese. Why do people want to spend money on bread and cheese cut into triangles? You probably have those ingredients in your fridge, just slap them together and stick them in the toaster oven.

    Yeah definitely make your own. You can buy frozen pizza dough (even that’s hard to find here) that’s pretty good, then you bury it to your own specs. You can do it! Then take a picture and post!

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  7. lightpuma says:

    I love my glorified cheese bread, thank you very much. And to be honest it all depends on where you go. Some places offer great pizza and it’s actually got lots of toppings. Like I love Pizza Pizza/ Pizza 73. I’ve never liked Pizza Hut dough for some reason.

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