I don’t feel completely suited to write about this but I’m going to anyway. I’m sure who ever reads my blog thinks I’m depressed. Well, I can’t say that I’m happy and yes, I do have a depressed mood at times. I know it’s not what you would call depression though because every time I read about a person’s experience with depression, I can’t fully connect.
They say depression is like this black hole that sucks you in and you don’t really know why it happens. You can’t get out of bed and you can’t seem to do anything.
I never get that. I think that some people who feel depressed and get anti-depressants are just unaware of why they feel the way they do. It’s so easy to believe that you suffer from depression. Have you seen the list of symptoms? Everyone has felt sadness at one point of their lives and if they glance over the symptoms of depression they can easily convince themselves they need to see someone.
I have had most of those symptoms but I’m aware of why they exist. I don’t get out of bed sometimes because there’s nothing inspiring to do. If there was then I’d jump at it.
But if I’m hardly ever happy, wouldn’t that be a good sign that I am suffering from depression? I’m hardly ever happy because I have high standards. I don’t let myself believe that my life is great just because I can rationalize that concept. I know shit ain’t going to last and that’s why I”m hardly happy. I guess I just can’t let myself go. I’m not mostly depressed either. My state of mood is one of mostly numbness and ‘whatever.’
They say females are more susceptible to depression. Ya, I can believe that. Women are much more emotional and seem to be more scared for their security. I know girls who say shit like, “I wanted to kill myself because he broke up with me.” I shake my head especially when I know the guy and know he is not worth dying over.
When you’re feeling sad for longer than usual you diagnose yourself with depression. If you go see a doctor and tell them your story they will likely prescribe you something which will reinforce the idea that you have depression. For god’s sake, my cousin was prescribed anti-depressants because he told the doctor his anxiety was causing his IBS. He took it for 10 years before a substitute doctor told him that he shouldn’t have been taking it for so long. Now he stopped and feels no difference. In fact he felt mentally better. You know what the messed up thing was? These anti-depressants had gastrointestinal side effects.
I could easily believe that because I have little motivation for life, disbanded from friends and family, rationalize suicide, look to substances for pleasure, feel the blues, that I should go out and get anti-depressants.
I know that anti-depressants won’t do a thing for me because they won’t provide me with a purpose for life. The MDMA is not doing what it used to. There was a time when I took MDMA that it suspended all disbelief that I normally had. People that I didn’t care for became my great friends at that moment and nothing in the world seemed that bad. That’s what MDMA does. It takes any good feeling that is at its deathbed and revives it. However, this only works when you are unaware of why you really believe. Now when I take it, it still feels good but that feeling of life is going to be alright is no longer there because I know better. I know the connections that I made when I was high will be gone when the high is gone. Whatever life I had inside of me cannot be revived because it’s totally dead. It would take Jesus to resurrect that part of me.
I think that’s what anti-depressants are good for. When you’re not totally sure why you are depressed but you still have that part inside you that can still be revived. No pill can change my beliefs. If I couldn’t function as a human being to keep myself alive then I would consider anti-depressants but until then this brain will have to do.