Pretentious Breakfast, Flip Flops, Homeless Love

Today, just like most mornings, I woke up.  Unlike most mornings, I did not have to go to work so I laid there.  Some people get out of bed soon after waking up which would signify the beginning of starting the day.  I try to avoid this by laying in bed as long as possible.  It’s like procrastinating.  If I had something to do though, I would do it.  What gets me out of bed is usually hunger and also the high likelihood that if I want to go to a restaurant, I better get there before the lunch hour business.

After contemplating on a few places, I decided to go to this restaurant that is kind of popular and hip.  It was featured on that show, Diners, Drive-ins and Dives.  I drove by and there was a line up so screw that idea.  I think lining up to eat at a restaurant is kind of gay.  I’m not saying I haven’t done it but it shows you what life has become.  We have time to spare to travel and wait to get a seat at a restaurant that sells food that is not inexpensive.  So much of life is about finding food that is unique so that we can tell our friends we have been there and that they have to try it.  The restaurant’s signature dish is Pulled Pork Pancakes – 3 buttermilk pancakes layered with pulled pork, JD-spiked maple syrup $13.50

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I ended up going up the street to another breakfast diner that was half empty.  It had that same vibe that is popular in Vancouver where they try to appear hip but at the same time not pretentious by serving unique menu choices without the nice looking cutlery, decor, plates, cups and everything else but with the typical menu prices.  Old chairs, wobbly tables and servers who dress like hipsters are supposed to make you feel special for eating there.

The breakfast was decent and the coffee was good.  I over tipped so that they would never think all Chinese people are cheap bastards.  When I got up to leave, she quickly went to my table to make sure I didn’t try to pull a fast one by shorting the bill.  If she was racist, my over tipping could have given her a change of heart to be less racist or it could have been taken that I was showing how much better I thought I was than her.  Maybe she will pass on the incredible story for generations about the Chinaman that over tipped and perhaps one day Tip Ping will be a city in China.

After much deliberation, I decided to not smoke a cigarette and instead go to the gym.  I don’t take my gym sessions that seriously anymore.  I go there for recreation and to achieve temporary physical and mental well being.  When girls there dress slutty, I get the sense that they are trying to pretend that they aren’t aware of what they are trying to do.  My other favourite thing to do at the gym is to watch guys sneak a peek at certain women.  It’s so predictable when and who they will sneak a peek at.  I guess it’s predictable because I’m doing the same thing.

Tuesdays are cheap movie days…sort of.  Edge of Tomorrow was the only film I had any interest in.  Regular price is $17.25 for the AVX 3D version but Tuesdays are $5 off.  I think I prefer 2D movies.  The 3D glasses darken the picture significantly and it strains my eyes especially if I don’t sit far enough from the screen.   However, the 3D effects are cooler if you sit closer.  Art imitating life?

You know how Google will complete the thought that you are typing in?  My guess is that a good number of thoughts have to do with movies and pop culture because I only have to type in the first word of a movie title and it will be the first option it gives me.  I was looking up this other movie called Maleficent and it was the first option shown to me once I typed in ‘male.’  Or maybe Google knows how simple my mind is and put me in the appropriate category.  Google decided that I was too stupid of a guy to be looking up any other word that began with ‘male’ or any of the million phrases that could have started with ‘male’ and instead gave me a movie title which was what I was looking for.  Every time Google does this or respells a word for you, it’s letting you know politely that it is way smarter than you.

I went to the movies wearing flip flops.  It made me realize that most women do feel safe walking around if they go out wearing flip flops, heels or sandals because you’re almost handicapped if someone chases you or attacks you.  Or maybe they don’t feel safe but looking good is way more important.

Driving home from the movies, there was this young guy with a sign asking for change.  It looked like he had a girlfriend too.  It made me think about how a homeless person has a girlfriend and I don’t.  I guess it’s about finding people who live or want to live the same life as you.  I bet if you are homeless long enough, the words  ‘stink’ and ‘gross’ don’t get used very often.

 

 

 

Depressed vs Depression and MDMA

I don’t feel completely suited to write about this but I’m going to anyway.  I’m sure who ever reads my blog thinks I’m depressed.  Well, I can’t say that I’m happy and yes, I do have a depressed mood at times.  I know it’s not what you would call depression though because every time I read about a person’s experience with depression, I can’t fully connect.

They say depression is like this black hole that sucks you in and you don’t really know why it happens.  You can’t get out of bed and you can’t seem to do anything.

I never get that.  I think that some people who feel depressed and get anti-depressants are just unaware of why they feel the way they do.  It’s so easy to believe that you suffer from depression.  Have you seen the list of symptoms?  Everyone has felt sadness at one point of their lives and if they glance over the symptoms of depression they can easily convince themselves they need to see someone.

I have had most of those symptoms but I’m aware of why they exist.  I don’t get out of bed sometimes because there’s nothing inspiring to do.  If there was then I’d jump at it.

But if I’m hardly ever happy, wouldn’t that be a good sign that I am suffering from depression?  I’m hardly ever happy because I have high standards.  I don’t let myself believe that my life is great just because I can rationalize that concept.  I know shit ain’t going to last and that’s why I”m hardly happy.  I guess I just can’t let myself go.  I’m not mostly depressed either.  My state of mood is one of mostly numbness and ‘whatever.’

They say females are more susceptible to depression.  Ya, I can believe that.  Women are much more emotional and seem to be more scared for their security.  I know girls who say shit like, “I wanted to kill myself because he broke up with me.”  I shake my head especially when I know the guy and know he is not worth dying over.

When you’re feeling sad for longer than usual you diagnose yourself with depression.  If you go see a doctor and tell them your story they will likely prescribe you something which will reinforce the idea that you have depression.  For god’s sake, my cousin was prescribed anti-depressants because he told the doctor his anxiety was causing his IBS.  He took it for 10 years before a substitute doctor told him that he shouldn’t have been taking it for so long.  Now he stopped and feels no difference.  In fact he felt mentally better.  You know what the messed up thing was?  These anti-depressants had gastrointestinal side effects.

I could easily believe that because I have little motivation for life, disbanded from friends and family, rationalize suicide, look to substances for pleasure, feel the blues, that I should go out and get anti-depressants.

I know that anti-depressants won’t do a thing for me because they won’t provide me with a purpose for life.  The MDMA is not doing what it used to.  There was a time when I took MDMA that it suspended all disbelief that I normally had.  People that I didn’t care for became my great friends at that moment and nothing in the world seemed that bad.  That’s what MDMA does.  It takes any good feeling that is at its deathbed and revives it.  However, this only works when you are unaware of why you really believe.  Now when I take it, it still feels good but that feeling of life is going to be alright is no longer there because I know better.  I know the connections that I made when I was high will be gone when the high is gone.  Whatever life I had inside of me cannot be revived because it’s totally dead.  It would take Jesus to resurrect that part of me.

I think that’s what anti-depressants are good for.  When you’re not totally sure why you are depressed but you still have that part inside you that can still be revived.  No pill can change my beliefs.  If I couldn’t function as a human being to keep myself alive then I would consider anti-depressants but until then this brain will have to do.

A Purpose for Life, Life, Ramblings, Society

I never really looked at this white space as a blank canvas but that’s exactly what it is.  It starts out as nothing and the words you type inside is the art.  You create something out of nothing.  The essence of life has always been in creating and building.  The whole purpose of our existence is to envision our project evolve to our desired result.  The blueprints are made before any work begins.  So I guess the key to life is to have a purpose other than staying alive for the sake of avoiding death.

When you don’t have a purpose in life, you’re almost like an athlete sitting on the bench waiting for your chance to play.  It’s degrading and frustrating but you have to believe that you will one day have that opportunity.  Finding a purpose in life is hard for some of us.  When you take the fear out of finding food and shelter for yourself and the ones around you then everything else can be rationalized as trivial.  Of course as human beings with egos, we have this undying power to rationalize that our life and beliefs mean something.  Life has come to a point where our view of what is meaningful is really meaningless.

We like to think what we know as life will always be.  What we don’t ever think about is that the existence of paper money, good jobs, Walmart, automobiles, you name it, have only existed for a blip in comparison to life.  We think if something has been around our whole life that it’s going to be like that forever.  In developed countries, a lot of people are depressed and somewhat angry that life is harder than it was in the past and that it’s getting harder.  Human beings are all about progression and once they are used to a certain way of life they feel entitled to it.

Life became so easy and promising that we over promoted human rights and a way of living.  What I think is that the era when good jobs were abundant and housing was affordable was a lifestyle that was never really sustainable.  They were naive in thinking that technology was not going to evolve to where it is now and that humans would not be corrupt.  Everyone believes the government is corrupt which is true but I think they had some good intentions but it just didn’t workout.

It’s not that bad now but it was just much better before.  I know someone who bought his house 30 years ago for $150,000 and now it’s worth 1 million.  You could buy a house back then with 2 people working a shitty wage.  They just had to save really well.  It’s impossible now.  If you’re working a shitty wage now, you’ll never own anything.  That’s what older people don’t get.  The incentives for wanting to work have dwindled.  They’ve made technology affordable but the necessities for living almost out of reach.  In the 1980’s a person could have worked at a big supermarket chain stocking shelves and they could buy a house within a few years.  These days it’s just enough to live but never progress.  Now you need an education and 2 people with good incomes to buy a house.  If it continues this way, it’s going to really suck one day.

So what was I talking about?  Oh yeah, purpose.  That’s the whole point of wanting to live, isn’t it?  You go about your day doing your thing because you believe it’s for something.  I don’t have that right now.  I’m sitting on the bench right now waiting for my time.  I keep my job because I don’t know what else to do.  I could do nothing but I fear that would bring a future of suffering.  If I was living paycheque to paycheque or had financial obligations then it would be a different story.  I have to brainwash myself to give myself any motivation to believe that I should work.

When you have some options but can’t make a move it’s usually because none of your options are very appealing.  We’re a generation that makes choices based on fear rather than passion.  I work because I fear to be poor.  You buy a house because you fear that you will have nothing in the future.  You marry that woman even though you have good reason to believe that it won’t work out but you’re scared to be alone.  Humans gravitate to safety.  You do everything you do because you are afraid that you will be classified as a loser from people and yourself.  Even if you hated your life you can rationalize that you were competent if your life somewhat reflects the majority.

It’s funny how when you bump into someone you haven’t seen in a while it’s always the same questions.  Where do you work?  Are you seeing anyone?  That tells you what society uses to judge how good your life is.  I was never proud of my employment and there’s rarely a girl in my life so most of the time I felt shitty about myself.  Now that I think about it, I feel shitty about myself for feeling shitty about myself.  I fed that person power when they saw the shame in myself.  If you tell people you are single the first thing they try to do is give you advice on how not to be single.  My answer now is, relationships are pretty stupid and I’m not as scared to be alone as you are.

You always hear people say, “who cares what people think.’  That’s life though.  As humans in a society we gravitate to similar goals and standards.  It’s part of our instinct to conform and to feel like something is wrong when we don’t conform.  Not conforming is like being alone and being alone is supposed to be scary.

We’re all like machines that are plugged into a bigger machine.  If you unplug from that machine you will see life differently from the rest.

So what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, purpose.  That’s another reason why we were never really meant to be alone.  As social creatures we stay alive and thrive by helping others survive.  You’re supposed to be part of a team.  However, we progressed into a species that doesn’t need anyone where everyone is expected to be self-sufficient.

I am going to end this post here and start another one.  Maybe I’ll write a few more posts.  Thanks if you made it this far but why should I thank you.  I wrote this and you decided it was worth reading.  You should thank me for writing this.

 

 

Silly #YesAllWomen Tweets

 

 

 

 

You may have heard of the #YesAllWomen Tweets that have been getting a lot of talk lately.  I was reading some of the popular Tweets and many of them are kind of ridiculous.

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Sounds great doesn’t it?  After the Rape is Bad lesson we’ll send the boys to Murder is Bad and that should take care of murder too.

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I shouldn’t have to hold my car keys in hand like a weapon & check over my shoulder every few seconds when I walk at night

There are a lot of Tweets regarding how women should not have to feel scared when they are walking around alone.   That’s life.  What do you want?  A personal bodyguard with you at all times?  You think guys always feel safe when they are alone?  Not really.  I bet more guys get beat up on the streets than women.  If some guys want to kill me and rob me in an alley, it’s because I have something they want and they think they can take it and get away with it.  It has nothing to do with gender.

There’s always going to be men who will abuse women, rape women and intimidate women.  It’s because men are stronger than women and people can sometimes abuse their power.  As long as men have a physical advantage over women and want sex then the abuse will exist.  No change of culture is ever going to take away the urge for sex.  How do you think people have continued to exist for thousands of years?

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Then you have the many men who post Tweets on the side of women to get female attention.  “Oh Bruce, thank you.  You’re so evolved.  There needs to be more men like you.”  What’s this guy saying?  Women can’t be irrational?

Here are my #YesAllMen Tweets if they existed…

Men should not have to feel pressure to pay the bill.  Are you a hooker? #YesAllMen

If you can wear makeup then I can lie #YesAllMen

Why should a man feel shame if a woman pays his bills? #YesAllMen

If you want equality, I get to punch you too #YesAllMen

How come I don’t get a diamond?#YesAllMen

How about you drive and I’ll look at my face #YesAllMen

If you always want the toilet seat down then there might be pee on it #YesAllMen

 

Company ‘Training’

Preventing lawsuits is always on the top of the priority list for big companies.  Walmart at one time would get sued every 2 hours or something like that.  The big thing at my company is safety since we’re out on the road driving all day.

A month before every winter they make us watch this ‘Winter Driving Video’ that was made in the 90’s which is supposed to remind us about how to drive in poor weather conditions.  It’s a real BS ‘cover your ass’ procedure than it is safety training.  If some real bad shit happens in snowy conditions, like us sliding into a pedestrian, that video is their way of showing that they tried to provide their employees with the knowledge to prevent such accidents.  Nothing to worry about, I watched a video.

I’ve signed off on so many documents stating that I’ve watched this, read this and heard that but I don’t remember any of it.  If I mess up though even if it’s understandable, they will refer back to that document that contained 100 rules that said I read and understood.

Other videos include ‘bomb awareness’ and ‘what to do when you get robbed or threatened.’

The other big issue is harassment of any kind.  We watch videos on those every year too.  They instruct you to notify management if you feel that you are being harassed which is kind of lame because you will just end up feeling uncomfortable after reporting someone.  It’s like being in high school and telling the teacher about being bullied..it doesn’t usually accomplish anything.

I get the idea that harassment is one of the last things they want to deal with.  I remember them telling us one time that if you have an issue with another employee, you better have a good case if you are going to make a formal complaint to Human Resources otherwise you could also end up getting canned.  What?   Might as well just settle this after school by the flag pole at 3pm.

They don’t like to fire people after probation either.  What they try to do instead is make your life miserable or show you how much they don’t want you so that you quit.  A lot of people think that it’s better to quit than to get fired but it’s not really.  If you get fired you have some chance at compensation but if you quit you get nothing.  No future employers will ever be able to find out that you got canned.  If the company wanted to get rid of you then chances are you weren’t going to get a very good reference from them anyway.  If a company wanted to get rid of me unfairly with pathetic tactics then they would have to fire me.  I’d stick around just so that they would have to continue to deal with me.

They have to cover their ass though.  So many people try to pull shit to make a quick buck.

Elisa Lam’s Strange Death

“You’re always haunted by the idea you’re wasting your life.”

— Chuck Palahniuk

The story of 21 year old Elisa Lam’s death is a chilling one.  I was reading about it a couple nights ago and it made me afraid to go to the bathroom to brush my teeth.  My mind started wandering and I was scared something out of a horror movie would pop up in the mirror.  I’m such a pussy.  However, I did end up brushing my teeth.

If you want to look it up, you can find the story very easily.  The short version is, she travelled to California from Vancouver for reasons unknown but it wasn’t a secret at all.  Friends and family knew about it and she posted updates about her trip on the internet.  Not too long after she arrived in LA, she was found dead on the roof of the hotel she was staying at in one of the water supply tanks.

It has been ruled a death by accidental drowning because there was no trauma found on the body and no drugs found in her system.  What they are saying is that she made her way to the roof of the hotel and then climbed into the water tank and drowned.

It’s really weird though.  Normally, to be able to get to the roof, you would have to bypass a locked door to the roof which is also equipped with an alarm.  The other possibility is to use the fire escape.

When they found her dead in the water tank, she was naked but it’s been reported her clothes were nowhere to be found or that they were in the tank.  Either situation is still odd because if her clothes were nowhere in the vicinity of her body then it would mean she climbed up there naked.  If they were found in the tank that would mean she took them off and threw them in the tank before jumping in.

To get to the top of the tank she would have had to climb an attached 10 foot ladder and then open the metal cover and then close it after getting into the tank.  I suppose it’s possible but she would have had to been very determined.

So why would anyone think she would even do something like this?  They are pointing the finger mainly at her alleged bipolar disorder.  I’m not sure if she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder or if they concluded this by viewing the famous elevator video recording where she does act very strangely for a few minutes.  I don’t know anything about bipolar disorder so I can’t comment if someone with that disorder would go to those lengths just to kill themselves or jump into a water tank on the roof of a hotel for whatever reason.

The quote at the beginning of the post was taken from her alleged blog and tumblr.  I read most of this blog and in the later posts of the blog she writes more about life and being depressed.  I felt a connection to her words.  She seemed intelligent but also disconnected with the people and ideas that she was surrounded with.  To be at that young of an age and so aware without much life experience is probably very frustrating.  It would just all seem fucked up.

I guess it’s difficult to conclude that it was a murder when there is no physical evidence of murder.  When ever there is a naked woman’s body though, it’s almost always murder.  If there was no trauma to the body, how could it be murder?  Did some guy cover her mouth and carry her up to the roof? Did she go to the roof willingly with some guy and then get dumped into the water tank?  Was there drugs involved but maybe the drugs could not be detected because of the length of time her body was in the water tank?  Doesn’t it seem more plausible that her body was in the water tank because someone was trying to hide her body instead of her jumping into the tank herself and drowning?  I don’t know.  It’s always easy to just blame mental illness because to the general public, mental illness can make anything possible.

This is the link to her alleged blog

http://etherfields.blogspot.hk/

BBQ Chicken and Life

I meet up with 2 other guys in the morning to pick up and pass off freight.  We started talking about cooking for whatever reason and it made me think about grilling chicken.

After work I picked up 3 legs and threw them on my portable BBQ that I bought last summer.  I had this idea in the summer to bring this BBQ to the park to make my loner sessions more entertaining.  The first time was the last time I used the BBQ at the park because it was so much work to watch the grill, get away from the smoke blowing in my face and to lug the BBQ back and forth.

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This is my first time grilling chicken legs.  I didn’t have to watch the flames as much as I thought I would have to.  There are flare ups but they aren’t steady so the chicken doesn’t catch on fire.  I felt like a street food vendor in an undeveloped country.

I added nothing to the chicken except salt afterwards but it still tasted great.  It had that smokey flavour.  The whole process was a little time consuming compared to just getting take out but it was all good.  I just sat there drinking wine and when I ran out of wine I started drinking beer.  By the time the chicken was done I was pretty buzzed.  Perhaps next time I will try and flavour the chicken with some kind of lemon herb sauce.

The conversation with my coworkers went to the topic of women who don’t cook.  They were telling stories about how guys they knew would not marry their girlfriend cause the woman didn’t know how or didn’t want to cook.  From what I’ve witnessed, many women these days aren’t too great in the kitchen.  In the past few decades, they’ve transitioned from homemakers to working women.  Married couples have a choice now of eating take out or a shitty home cooked meal.

One of the coworkers is Chinese Born Canadian like myself.  He bought an apartment and moved out from home a year ago when he was 28.  By Canadian standards that’s considered late.  His parents were annoying him he said and he felt it was time to ‘grow up.’  He might have succumbed to peer pressure too.  But to be honest, if you want to get married and have kids, the best decision is to just buy property if you can to show that you have honest potential.  It’s like setting a trap/incentive for a woman.

The other coworker is from Los Angeles and the one thing we have in common is that we were both raised by a single mother.  I give my mother too much credit.  She didn’t really raise me cause I only saw her 2 hours a week.  I’ve never met a person raised by a single mother that became very successful in life unless if the mother had above average money.  Like Chris Rock said, “You don’t need no man to help you raise no child” … shut the fuck up with the bullshit! Yeah, you could do it without a man, but that don’t mean it’s to be done! Shit, you can drive a car with your feet if you want to, that don’t make it a good fucking idea!”

Sometimes I want to buy an apartment but the commitment is too much for me.  If I really wanted a wife and kids though, I would because I would be convinced that is the way to do it.  When you know what you want in life it’s easy to make decisions.  Peace comes from having direction.  I’m an aimless wanderer.

I’ll leave you with another bit from Chris Rock.

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. Need I say more? “