There’s this theory in the world of psychology that says easily hating people is a self-defense mechanism. You’re afraid to get hurt so you go on the offense before anyone else has a chance to. When you hate, it’s a shield. You don’t realize it when you’re doing it cause it feels so justified. The human mind can rationalize almost anything that makes it feel better.
I’m quick to hate people or at least was. I’m more aware of it now but it still takes some effort to stop myself and empathize with the other person. I hate blaming my upbringing on my current personality and situation but I can’t help but feel it was a huge factor in my life. When you get thrown into different environments with different people every few years you train yourself to never let yourself believe that anything or anyone is forever.
Sometimes I let myself believe that what I have is forever but just as easily I stop believing. I’m kind of fucked up. Most people are receptive to love but I reject it. It’s almost as if my instincts want me to be alone even though being alone is not that desirable. When all you’ve ever seen is negativity it almost runs in your veins. People always tell you to not be so negative but they don’t ever see past what is in front of them. If you have 2 hands, 2 legs and an undeformed face they figure you can be just like them just as easily.
Sometimes I feel that my mind won’t except anything less than perfect because anything less than perfect has a chance of failure and I can’t risk being let down. I feel that if there’s a small chance of being let down then it will probably happen. You can call it pessimism but if you’ve lived a life of overcast conditions then it’s just realism with a chance of meatballs.