A Reason to Live

I think my grandmother has lived a life that was full of purpose.  She’s a bitch but I can see how she would be able to feel that her life was meaningful.  My grandfather was either disabled or a loser who stopped working not too long once he arrived to Canada which was around the age of 45.  Some say that he was sick and others say that he didn’t like the working lifestyle in Canada.  He wanted to go for a smoke whenever he wanted instead of only being able to go during a designated coffee break time.  It might have been okay if he didn’t have 9 kids to feed.  I always wanted to believe that he was too sick to work but nobody could ever tell me what kind of sickness he had.

All of the kids are around 50 to 65 years old now but not all of them have permanently left the nest which to this day has given my grandmother something to do.  She feels a sense of importance cause she still cooks dinner most nights for some of her kids who still live in her house who never cook for themselves or for one of her sons who comes over cause he’s lonely.

I attribute my lack of motivation to my grandfather.  I think without a somewhat normal male presence in your household when you are growing up, you are likely to be at a disadvantage in life.  My grandfather was a loser which made all of his kids losers which made all of their kids losers. There are no winners in my family.  My family is dying off cause no male in my generation is reproducing.  My 2 cousins that are older than me are unlikely to be having kids.  They are both closing in on 40.  One of my cousins who is younger than me is in a wheel chair so I wouldn’t bet on him.  His younger brother is an extreme version of myself.  He’s slow to grow up.  He went for his driver’s license at 22 years old.   He still needs to learn how to ride a bicycle.  Not his fault really.  His father ditched him pretty early and his mother is a schizophrenic.  I think Natural Selection is making sure my family doesn’t reproduce.

I think it’s difficult to feel that your life is meaningful when no one you care about is benefiting from you.  You would think if taking care of yourself was a struggle that you would be motivated to try to make your life better but people in that position don’t seem to care about themselves if they have no one in their life.  It’s like you don’t really even want to be around if no one needs you.  It almost seems as though humans are very selfish until they have no one.

There’s a guy that I am in communication with who is in his 60’s.  His one daughter lives on the other side of the country and that’s his whole family.  He has a job but he’s usually too sick to even show up.  He doesn’t feel a lot of hope at all.  Why would he?  He can barely take care of himself and he can barely find a reason to.  He probably thinks that if he died, it would make no difference to anyone.

I’m not sure which situation is more sad.  A bunch of 50 year olds who depend on their 80 year old mother for meals and moral support or a man in his 60’s who has no one because independence is more important than family.


3 comments on “A Reason to Live

  1. Anonymous says:

    My maternal grandma raised 9 kids, who are all married now and all have kids, and my grandma is seeing all of them. In fact, she’ll soon be seeing her great-grandkids, too. And she’s not even 70 yet. The majority of her kids are living it up and she is, too. My grandfather passed away long ago; he didn’t earn much but he worked really hard and set an example for his kids.

    I agree that not having a strong male figure in your youth can cause a lot of rockiness, especially if you’re a guy. You need a man in your life that can encourage and support you, someone you can look up to and feel close to, and someone whose not afraid to tell you off when you’re being an idiot.


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