I think about killing myself way too much. I don’t actually consider doing it but I think about it. It conjures up a disgusting image of me shooting myself in the head cause that’s the only way I’d do it. I exhibit many of the symptoms of a person who someone should be concerned about. Well, someone meaning someone you actually care about.
My interactions with people are somewhat few and far between but it seems that during these meetings I always mention something about killing myself. Sometimes I say it in a joking manner and other times I sound semi-serious. Semi-serious meaning I rationalize killing myself. People see me as too happy go lucky to do anything out of the realm of their possibility.
When you see life and your life not very significant in any sort of scale, you lose the belief that life has any importance. You operate on a different mindset. If I wasn’t so easily amused I’d probably be dead by now or someone else would be. Perhaps I’m being overly dramatic but maybe not. Statistically I’m 5 times more likely than the average person to fall into the hands of the devil.
I used to hate hearing people in real life or on TV, blame all their misfortunes on their upbringing. I saw it as an excuse to justify their shitty lives and not own up to their shortcomings. Because of this I never appreciated the events of my upbringing and just passed it off as a uniqueness to my life. I looked at it as a series of events that made the story of my life more interesting that added strength to my character.
The truth is my upbringing has debilitated my life and happiness. I’ve ignored it and have only started coming to grips with it now. When you’re missing almost everything that most people have at least some of, you’re at a disadvantage of ever becoming a happy individual.
Not ever having a father in my life, a mother that was next to non-existent, no siblings and never any sort of stability has made life challenging when it comes to relationships, confidence and just life in general. More than anything though, never having felt I had anyone who regularly gave a shit about me sabotaged any possibility of a healthy life.
I’ve recently come to some sort of conclusion that I suffer from some kind of abandonment issues. I hate even saying this cause it sounds so faggoty. If I heard someone say this before I would look at them like some kind of pussy. I’m sure I have other issues with other psychological labels attached to them but maybe they are just labels without any significance.
For my whole life I always sought acceptance and feared disapproval from males. I was always quick to hate females. Maybe I would be quick to like their pretty face but would be just as quick to be disgusted by their words or actions. I’ve been a psychological mess.
Even if you can’t change the past, understanding it can change the present and future. Without ever realizing the root of your problems, a solution can be next to impossible to find.
Chances are I will ride out this life no matter what kind of shit it hands me but I’m not going down a good road at the moment. As exciting suicide may be, I don’t think I will ever have the balls to take my own life.
I would like to add more to this post and finish it in a better manner but it’s nearing my bed time and I’ve also been drinking.