Rationalizing Suicide

I think about killing myself way too much.  I don’t actually consider doing it but I think about it.  It conjures up a disgusting image of me shooting myself in the head cause that’s the only way I’d do it.  I exhibit many of the symptoms of a person who someone should be concerned about.  Well, someone meaning someone you actually care about.

My interactions with people are somewhat few and far between but it seems that during these meetings I always mention something about killing myself.  Sometimes I say it in a joking manner and other times I sound semi-serious.  Semi-serious meaning I rationalize killing myself.  People see me as too happy go lucky to do anything out of the realm of their possibility.

When you see life and your life not very significant in any sort of scale, you lose the belief that life has any importance.  You operate on a different mindset.  If I wasn’t so easily amused I’d probably be dead by now or someone else would be.   Perhaps I’m being overly dramatic but maybe not.  Statistically I’m 5 times more likely than the average person to fall into the hands of the devil.

I used to hate hearing people in real life or on TV, blame all their misfortunes on their upbringing.  I saw it as an excuse to justify their shitty lives and not own up to their shortcomings.  Because of this I never appreciated the events of my upbringing and just passed it off as a uniqueness to my life.  I looked at it as a series of events that made the story of my life more interesting that added strength to my character.

The truth is my upbringing has debilitated my life and happiness.  I’ve ignored it and have only started coming to grips with it now.  When you’re missing almost everything that most people have at least some of, you’re at a disadvantage of ever becoming a happy individual.

Not ever having a father in my life, a mother that was next to non-existent, no siblings and never any sort of stability has made life challenging when it comes to relationships, confidence and just life in general.  More than anything though,  never having felt I had anyone who regularly gave a shit about me sabotaged any possibility of a healthy life.

I’ve recently come to some sort of conclusion that I suffer from some kind of abandonment issues.  I hate even saying this cause it sounds so faggoty.  If I heard someone say this before I would look at them like some kind of pussy.  I’m sure I have other issues with other psychological labels attached to them but maybe they are just labels without any significance.

For my whole life I always sought acceptance and feared disapproval from males.  I was always quick to hate females.  Maybe I would be quick to like their pretty face but would be just as quick to be disgusted by their words or actions.  I’ve been a psychological mess.

Even if you can’t change the past, understanding it can change the present and future.   Without ever realizing the root of your problems, a solution can be next to impossible to find.

Chances are I will ride out this life no matter what kind of shit it hands me but I’m not going down a good road at the moment.  As exciting suicide may be, I don’t think I will ever have the balls to take my own life.

I would like to add more to this post and finish it in a better manner but it’s nearing my bed time and I’ve also been drinking.

 

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8 comments on “Rationalizing Suicide

  1. tedgaming says:

    I think I’ve got enough balls to kill myself. However, as little reason as I’ve got to live, I have pretty much just as little reason to kill myself. I’m almost amused by the irony that people who I know don’t really give a shit about me telling me to not kill myself actually makes me want to do it more, just to piss them off or something.

    I think my comments are actively unhelpful, lol.

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    • MrJohnson says:

      It’s probably cheaper for your parents to keep you alive since a funeral, casket and burial plot are quite expensive. You are a good man for not killing yourself.

      I think people have to tell you to not kill yourself..haha. What else are they going to say? “Are you sure man?” or “Well, I guess so. It’s your life.” haha
      ..but I know what you’re saying.

      I don’t you killing yourself would piss anyone off for very long. They have more important things to think about like what’s for dinner. You’ll just give them affirmation that they chose the right path in life.

      Don’t worry I’m not suicidal so your comments won’t push me in that direction..lol.. I kind of wish I didn’t even write this but I was drinking and didn’t care.

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  2. That’s exactly what would happen, after the initial shock it would have little impact on anybody. You can’t really expect anyone to mourn you except your pets. Or your parents if you have them and if they’re loving. Both my parents had mental problems and your mother probably does too. I was an ‘old soul’ from the start. Sometimes I blame my deeply anti-social parents for what I am even though I try not to. It’s a good idea to at least acknowledge your past like you’re doing. Just imagine the insane mind games many seemingly ‘normal’ parents inflict on their children every day and no one ever knows. I can’t even stand it when people refer to their parents as ‘my mom and dad.’ I have never used those words, to me it’s creepy–they’re your mother and father, regardless of how you personally address them. I wrote about this once and not one person got it, everyone was all mushy and defensive about ‘my mom and dad.’

    Back in the olden days when I wasn’t so poor I saw a counselor. I still would if I could afford it. Even though it didn’t change anything in my life I looked forward to seeing her, I unloaded and she listened. It actually pissed me off a little that I had no friends and had to pay someone to listen but it was worth it. Once she said ‘you always choose jobs where you can be by yourself all day.’ I argued that it wasn’t a choice but she was right. To this day I am terrified of having a job with co-workers and will do anything to avoid it.

    I fear women too, they’re scary and often don’t like me and I never know why. But they’re not all the same. In many of your posts I am saddened that you live in a city full of selfish bitches and shallow men who buy into all the crap. I guess I just don’t know people like that, though I sure do read about them. It seems to be a recent movement because it wasn’t like that when I was young. People were in no way as demanding and materialistic as they are now. But comparing your life to those in your own community isn’t helpful because you see them as mindlessly happy and can’t understand why you don’t aspire to that. Somehow you have to accept you’re different and somehow, some way, make it work for you instead of against you. I’m no one to give advice because I see life as a sufferfest, but accepting what you are has its advantages. Think of all the bullshit you don’t have to put up with from needy friends or family.

    I fantasize about suicide too, and sometimes research it. A gun is the best but then you have all these dipshits who say ‘See? it’s all because of guns. If she didn’t have a gun she’d still be alive’ which is bullshit. Like they give a shit whether someone lives or dies. But every time I think about it, it comes down to ‘what about my animals.’ I would have to kill them too and the thought of that makes me physically sick. I think about that country singer who stood on her front porch last year and shot her dog and then herself. That took fucking guts. And yes I live with someone but don’t think you still can’t be lonely and depressed and trapped, and you can’t tell anyone because they’ll just say, then why don’t you leave? Because it’s complicated. So you hold all this discontent and resentment inside and feel pathetic.

    You might consider a counselor. It has to be the right one though. A compassionate, intelligent counselor who has seen it all is priceless, even if just to listen and respond wisely. It’s an unburdening, and it helps.

    I can’t believe the things you make me say online!

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    • MrJohnson says:

      It’s hard to blame any parents for being shitty parents. Especially if they had shitty parents and then also having to deal with a world that changes so quickly. I don’t know if my mom has mental issues or if she’s just bitter about life. I find that when some people are disappointed with their life they try to score points for themselves any way they can regardless of who gets hurt.

      Coincidentally, last week I was reading about some counselor type person who charges a cheap rate. I was interested. I just want someone to talk to and it sounds like it would make for a more interesting day. Even if you had friends you could talk to it’s very possible you wouldn’t want to. It would likely just become a debate. Sometimes it’s like trying to get a Muslim to understand a Jew.

      I think the selfish bitch comes to play because of the want to have children. Once people want children they want everything multiplied by 2. People figure it’s going to be a shitty life raising kids without loads of money. Everything is more expensive now than before. In the 80’s people working at Safeway doing anything could get a house no problem if they wanted to. Those days are gone and I guess so cause it was too good to last. That was probably a better time for me to be an adult.

      If guns weren’t around it would probably stop some suicides though. It wouldn’t fair either to say the absence of a gun would for sure save anyone’s life. Other ways of killing yourself just aren’t as quick and effective that it would probably make someone procrastinate and possibly not end up going through with it. I’ve always thought the whole car running in the garage bit would be my second choice. Maybe even my first. At least you could slowly drift away while listening to your favourite songs. There’s actually people who have shot themselves in the head twice cause they failed with the first shot.

      Not too long ago I was thinking about see some sort of counselor/therapist type as part of my vacation. It would probably be pretty fun if I went in high on something. I’ll look into it more. And yes I’ll have to continue working on accepting myself.

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  3. Millie says:

    Yeah, ive seriously thought about it in the past, but id hate people to find me. Caring about what people think really does take alot of energy. I mean, you’d feel like a horrible person for killing yourself because youve left your family with a whole load of problems- yet you seem to have a problem yourself about living altogether. All you do is function ad live your life pretending to be someone else to suit their standards, living in fear- and looking for a release other than death that doesnt make you such a bad person as you feel.

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    • MrJohnson says:

      It’s a weird spot to be in when you don’t really want to live but don’t really want to die by your own hands. I don’t know if I would feel like a horrible person for killing myself. I probably wouldn’t feel anything cause I would be dead. Ya kind of feel like a zombie sometimes just getting myself through the day.

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