Starving Your Life to Death

We all need to eat to live.  If you starve yourself long enough you will not be able to function properly and eventually die.  I think it’s the same with our personal life.  There’s this life that you have that has been built and sustained by years of experiences, people, information and beliefs.  If you starve this life, it can also die and never be resuscitated.

Many people go about life with certain beliefs and through their journey they get positive reinforcement to keep them going. Positive reinforcement is like food and nutrition for your ambition.  You get a job, you get a pay cheque and you’re like ‘woof woof’ this treat tastes good.  You get a better job, more money and everyone around you is giving you the sense that you’re doing the right thing.  You think to yourself that you must be doing something right cause these Milk Bones are always getting bigger and everyone is patting you on the back.  Everywhere you go it seems like you’re getting Vitamin C and Zinc for shaking the right paws and licking the right crotches.

You can eat unhealthy all your life too but it will still keep you alive for pretty long.  It might be a life of mild to moderate suffering but a life that will still be kept alive.  You may hate your life cause you feel like shit but as long as you have the desire to keep eating, you will continue living.

The opposite happens though when you’re not getting scratched behind your ears or refuse the simulated bacon strips available to you.  Once you stop ingesting the proper nutrients for a certain life, it becomes crippled and headed towards death.  Maybe you can’t afford the groceries or maybe you chose to be an anorexic but either way you’re going to starve to death.

I don’t envy the lives of people who are seemingly living life the way it should be.  I don’t really want what they have or who they have but I am jealous of one aspect of their lives.  They’re motivated to live regardless if it’s a life of bliss or suffering.

Perhaps when you die you will just die and nothing happens after but maybe you will reincarnate into something else.  A new life. Until that new life happens though, you’ll remain under a pile of dirt, suffucating and unable to see the sunshine.

The Reality of Friendship

The term ‘friends’ is like a cheap hooker who is willing to do anything anywhere.  You can use the term so loosely that it really has no meaning anymore even though it’s still regarded as a prized title most of the time.

When you have a wife it’s pretty cut and dry what it entails.  Even if someone is your girlfriend it’s pretty definitive.  You wouldn’t be able to just throw around that position to anybody.  The weird thing about friends is that there seems to be no end to the friendship unless someone tells the other person to screw off in some way.  If you just stopped communicating for several years you would probably still label each other as friends.

It’s easy when you’re dating someone.  You break up and it’s done.  You get a divorce, she’s no longer your wife.  When does the friend label get erased?  Some say never, no matter what unless you hate each other.  “We’ll always be friends” is something you always hear. Is it true that you can still be good friends with someone even though you haven’t spoken in years?  I think it’s possible but also likely not true as well.  If you are friends with someone, that is implying the present tense.  If you’re not actively friends then wouldn’t that mean you’re not friends?  Maybe you’ll be active friends again one day but maybe not.

The idea that you are still friends even though you are not part of each other’s regular lives is implying that if in need of help, the other person will help you.  But what if you never need help from that person?  You can’t really say for sure they are still your friend.  To say that they are is based on faith.  It’s great to say that the friend would help you if the situation called for it but until it happens it’s a question mark.  Maybe a stranger would risk his life to save you but until then he’s just some bum off the street for all you care.

That’s what inactive friendships really are most of the time.  It’s a faith just like religion.  You believe it’s real but you don’t really know for sure or you don’t believe at all.  With friendships though you don’t usually have to wait until you die to find out the truth.

If you don’t have any friends, the initial thought from most people would be that you are an asshole.  You don’t have friends cause no one likes you.  I’m sure this is true in some cases but I think in many cases it’s more about a disconnection.  The people you are friends with are connected in some way.  It could be cause of similar beliefs, work, family or any circumstance but there has to be some kind of connection.  If you have no connection then you are not going to be able to even give the appearance that you are friends without forcing some kind of disingenuous obligatory gesture.

Every relationship is based on something.  It doesn’t have to be admirable but there has to be a reason.  Maybe you’re both drug addicts. maybe you are his only friend, maybe he lives next door or maybe you have money and she wants money, you babysit their kid, etc.  When you have nothing to offer each other, it’s over.  They tell you that real friends don’t need anything from each other for their friendship to last.  That it is an altruistic bond.  That’s mostly not true.   Everyone needs to benefit.  No benefit, then you will be disconnected.

They say good intentions pave the road to hell.  When you start to drift off as friends, words of everlasting friendship are spoken but as time passes and you are out of each other’s consciousness for long periods of time, a disconnection happens that you didn’t foresee in the beginning.

When friends stop becoming a priority, the friendship starts to emulate a faith similar to that of shitty Christians who say they believe in Jesus Christ.  You will go to church cause you have to not cause you want to.  You say you believe in the bible but only follow it when it is convenient.   But as long as you say you believe then it’s all good.

You can’t really blame anyone for thinking or unknowingly pretending that they are your friend.  How do you just tell someone you’re not going to be friends with them when no disagreement occurred?  You don’t.  You just hope they get the idea so you don’t have to look like the bad guy and have to be impolite.  Or you end up doing as little as possible to salvage the title of friends.

A lot of the reason why we keep the friends we do is because we think we have to in order to not feel like a loser.  Friends are supposed to be one of the main ingredients to a successful life.  It’s like money, the more the merrier.  It’s thought of as crazy to not care to want friends or to terminate the only ones you do have.   Another reason why we keep friends in our life is because of the subscription to the culture of friendship.  You’re supposed to see your friends, you’re supposed to go to your friend’s wedding, you’re supposed to go to your friend’s house warming, etc.  When you talk about these moments you’re supposed to feel good about yourself and be looked upon as a functional person in society.

Friendship is also like religion in that you have to agree to terms in order for it to work.  You can’t be going to some Catholic church and praising Jehovah.   If you don’t agree then there’s a problem.

I guess the key to any long term friendship is the presence of a strong connection that cannot easily be frayed.  Belief alone is probably not good enough cause with friendship no one gets to go to heaven in the end.  Most friendships are often just like other ships, they sink or sail away.

Life, Sausage & Egg McMuffins, Thoughts

You know how when you see someone pretty regularly you don’t notice their subtle physical changes very easily?  It’s not like when you haven’t seen someone for a while and you notice right away how old and fat they’ve become and it blows you away.  Usually when someone tells you that you look different, it’s rarely a complement.

I rarely go to McDonald’s anymore but everytime that I go, I notice how everything has become smaller than it used to be.  This morning for whatever reason I decided to get some Mcdonald’s breakfast.  I did Drive Thru and ordered a Sausage & Egg McMuffin with a decaf coffee.  I had a coupon for a 2 for 1 but didn’t want to use it otherwise I would have gladly eaten 2 McMuffins which I rather not do.  I pick up my McMuffin at the window and the girl tells me to pull over and they’ll bring my decaf to me.  No one drinks decaf besides wusses like me so anytime someone orders decaf they have to make it fresh.

So I’m sitting there in my car waiting for my coffee and the guy comes out and says, “here’s your decaf and your Sausage & Egg.”  Whatever, I guess I’m having 2 McMuffins.  I open the first McMuffin and right away I notice how thin the sausage is.  It wasn’t like this before.



Doesn’t the McMuffin look majestic with the warmth of the early sunshine hitting it?  The sausage actually looks decent in the photo but in reality it looked like a piece of bacon.  I’m exaggerating but it was thin.  I should be a photographer.  I can make things look better looking than they actually are.  That’s why women love photographers.

I’ve noticed through the years all the other sandwiches have shrunk as well.  Your only safe bet might be the Quarter Pounder since it will always have to weigh a quarter of a pound.  This is how they keep prices down, by shrinking the product.  They can’t keep raising prices otherwise a meal at McDonald’s is going to be to close to the price of a decent burger joint.  That’s just one way of cutting costs.  They probably have about 10 other methods that you probably wouldn’t want to know about.

While eating my McMuffin and sipping on my coffee with the low angled sunshine hitting my face, I felt a bit of peacefulness.  It made me wonder how much of life is to do with your mindset.  Life is not exciting for me right now but there’s no faggot kids in the backseat for me to tell to shut up.  I don’t need to be at someone’s house for some gathering with people I don’t really want to see.  What can be so bad about enjoying something when the sun is shining?  I don’t have to worry about getting butt raped or blown up by a grenade.  Well, I know why it can still suck but that’s for another post.

A lot of people who feel down on themselves is because they think everyone else thinks they are losers.  Poor people might be a lot happier if being poor was looked upon as being better than not poor.  Say if all the rich and famous decided to throw away all their money and work at McDonald’s, it might become the in thing to do.  “Whoa, you work at McDonald’s?  Luuccky.”  If one day there was some cultural shift that made relationships and kids something to be frowned upon then being single would no longer be considered a sad position to take.  I don’t see that happening though because you don’t have to do anything to be single.  People tend to admire acts that require skill, perseverance or at least luck.  I guess some would say staying single and being content with it all your life is like an art form.  If you can get by life being single, never working much and content, you’re a winner in my books.  Oh wait, that’s the exact definition of a loser.

I think there’s something about not being wanted that is the root of all motivation and sadness.  You feel bad when you’re single cause you feel no one wants you.  You feel bad when you’re poor cause no one wants to be around you.  You feel bad that you have horrible B.O. cause no one wants to be around you.  You feel shitty for not feeling competent.  Rejection equals loneliness whether it’s in the physical sense or spiritual.  You want people to want you cause instinctually it’s the only way to survive and reproduce.  But we’re not hunter gatherers no more and if we can get past our caveperson brain then peace and acceptance may be possible in any situation.  Maybe?

It would still be cool though if in the future someone would say something like, “George is 52 and he works at McDonald’s!  Oh my god, I wish I could be him.”

Philosophies for Life

Do you know anyone who works 6 days a week, 12 hours a day?  I do.  She is my mother.  Well, that’s what they call her by law.  In reality she’s just the person who shot me out of her vagina and told me I should be thankful my life is better than those kids who live in orphanages or group homes.

Everyone has some kind of philosophy or belief to life.  Many times it stems from your environment growing up.  My mother’s was something along the lines of work, work, work and you will be okay.  Most westerners would probably kill themselves at the thought of living such a life.

You can rationalize almost anything that works out on paper but your mind and body might object.  Life is often confusing.  We’re faced with dilemmas and always second guessing ourselves.  There’s always advantages and disadvantages for every option and often it’s never that obvious what is the 100% correct decision.

For every wise quote from some smart guy there’s another wise quote contradicting it.

“Opportunity only knocks once” vs “Good things come to those who wait”

“No guts, no glory” vs “better safe than sorry”

So what or who do you believe?  Pretty much no one, unless you know them, respect them and want to be like them.  Who knows any of those people?

I’m trying to not look at the advantages and disadvantages so much when making decisions anymore.  The disadvantages just scare the shit out of you sometimes that it leaves you paralyzed.  I think I want to make decisions based more on the philosophies that I believe in.

I’ve come up with a couple recently.

1) If you make decisions knowing that the outcome will likely make you unhappy, you might as well kill yourself.

If you have a choice to choose a route in life that will mostly likely bring you unhappiness vs a choice that might not, I think the better choice is the latter even if it means you may end up miserable.  If you try to be miserable from the beginning then you might as well kill yourself.  If you end up in a miserable existence, that is okay but if you strive to be miserable when there are other options then you might as well kill yourself.  The unhappy choice might be safer but what’s the point?  You are doing no one any favours by striving after unhappiness.

2) When I have a hard time making a decision, I ask myself what most people would do and I won’t do the opposite but I just won’t do that.

Most people live the way they live because they get comfort from the acceptance factor.  They won’t feel bad about failing as long as they can back it up with an accepted line of decisions.  Failing in other methods is just regarded as ‘fucking up.’

I’m not saying to do something just because no one else would do it.  If no one is drinking paint thinner for breakfast, I won’t do it either because it’s not a difficult decision.

These are just a couple thoughts I’ve been pondering.  By the way, don’t kill yourself or drink paint thinner.  I like to inspire but not like that.

Pretty much all the females in my family are depressed.  They lived by a philosophy of, suffer now and it will all work out later.  Later has arrived and the fruits of their labour are not so sweet.  It’s not the same as, suffer for 4 years of university and it will all work out.  It was, suffer for 30 years and it will all work out.  Most of them have lost at least some of their marbles.  My mom probably being one of the most normal.  The others are heavily medicated or waiting for death.  One could argue it’s a genetic thing but I’m convinced it was a life thing.

My grandma is probably the most mentally healthy.  She’s the biggest bitch out of all of them but she’s the furthest from crazy.  I think it’s because of her expectations, beliefs, the era that she spent most of her life in and the fact that she was the matriarch of the family.   My grandpa was a total loser.  The alpha males in my family were a deadbeat father I never met and a grandfather that didn’t work while raising 9 kids.  All he did was smoke cigarettes and watch TV with his grandpa blanket.

Kids, Dogs, and the Mentally Disabled

This morning I heard some man cautioning his kids about how to cross the street.  He was using that voice that people tend to use when they talk to kids.  You know, sort of like a depressed homosexual clown.  It made me think how people use the same exact voice when they speak with dogs and mentally disabled people.  It’s the voice you would use to speak to any organism who you think is stupid but can’t help it.

Kids are like mentally disabled people except that a kid will probably grow out of their childish behaviour.  If you took a mentally disabled person and a 4 year old kid and put them in a room together, they would probably have a blast.  They would drool together, play with blocks and run into the walls with glee.  If you were an alien from outer space you would probably talk to the dog first.

The expectations for a kid, dog and mentally disabled person are similar as well.  They could all take a shit in the middle of your living room and get a pass.  For some reason though, if a 30 year old man took a dump on your rug, everyone would think he’s a sicko.  I guess the rationale is that after a certain age you should know better than to shit on a person’s rug.  It would be embarrassing for a grown man to take a shit in front of everyone but only be able to produce feces the size of a cat’s.  He would for sure feel less of a man.  A man correlates his manliness to the size of his penis, bank account and defecation matter.

It’s okay to make fun of dogs and kids but mentally disabled people are considered more off limits.  I can understand that cause they are humans.  We’re suppose to feel more compassion for our own specie.  Someone would probably ask with a disgusted voice, “what if that was your kid?”  If it was my kid I’d probably be pretty pissed off.  I don’t think I would be able to lie about it either.  I don’t know if people really mean it when they say loving things about their mentally disabled child.

“What if someone wrote things about you that you’re not proud of?”  They do.  It’s all over the internet.  If it exists, someone wrote about it and did not spare my feelings.  It’s okay though.  At least I know that no mentally disabled person will be able to read this and have their feelings hurt.

To be honest, I do feel kind of shitty for writing about mentally disabled people in this manner but I have pretty much wrote about everyone else in a disgusting manner as well, including myself.  Gays, blacks, married people and their kids, fat people, women, white people, Chinese people, my mother.  This is making me realize that I am a full blown asshole.

This is probably bad karma.  It will never be possible for me to become a kid or a dog but I can still become mentally disabled.  Hopefully karma can’t read English.




Staying Neutral

Staying neutral.  Two people are having a problem with each other, you stay out of it.  By default it’s often looked upon as the decent choice to make and sometimes it is but just as often it isn’t.

From my experience people will take the neutral route almost everytime unless if it’s their significant other.  Taking the side of your significant other is always seen by others as understandable even if they are messed in the head or not really that significant.

Outside of that, people generally choose to stay neutral.  It sounds almost noble but often it’s just selfish.  You’re not choosing sides but in actuality you are choosing your own side.  You are saying that you don’t want to make the difficult decision of picking a side and having the other side feel negatively towards you.  You want it all.  You want both sides to like you.  Or possibly you just don’t give a shit about either side.

In some cases you probably shouldn’t pick sides cause the 2 people are being absolutely irrational.  But even in those cases you sometimes have to choose.  When I say, pick a side, it doesn’t mean you have to agree but at least show your loyalty.  In this society we seem to have rules that only apply in certain situations.  We show loyalty above all others when it comes to our significant other, career and some family cause it is apparently the right thing to do.  When they say it’s the right thing to do, what it really means is that it’s the right thing to do if you don’t want to fuck up your life.  You pick a side when one side is important to your life.  If you don’t choose, it means neither side is important so you decide to stay neutral and hope for the best.  Whatever happens, happens cause it won’t really affect you.

Any type of relationship will not last without loyalty.  You can’t play for multiple teams all the time.  You painted the tribal colours on yourself so that’s the side you are on.  If not then you don’t deserve any loyalty in return.  If you choose yourself then don’t be disappointed when no one chooses you.

The Italian Mafia was once a thriving organization because of loyalty,  trust and respect.  Once people started ratting and breaking all the other codes it fell apart.  Everyone is just out for themselves while trying to preserve some kind of disingenuous form of loyalty.  Perhaps there is nothing wrong with choosing yourself but when pretentiousness shows its face at the end, feelings of deceit can arise.

We live in a selfish society.  More so than decades ago.  It’s common place to commit but separate once the waters get a little too rough or if the waters are just not blue enough.  We can make the dishonourable choice and hide ourselves from the guilt because we live in a disconnected world.  Drive away in our cars, shut the door behind us in a home where you can be nowhere in sight miles away from anyone.  Send text messages and emails without fear of feeling uncomfortable.  It’s a great time to be a pussy.

I don’t know if humans can be blamed for false projections they produce and consume.  We believe what makes us feel best at the time and hope for the best in the future.  It’s not admirable but people are often shitty without even the slightest sense that they are.  If we don’t put our feelings aside and critically think about our thoughts and actions or have no one pull us aside to enlighten us then we will often continue a path of thinking and doing for the purpose of making ourselves feel better.   If you don’t want to go left or right it’s okay but if you choose the middle you’re still picking a side.

Facebook…An Online Resume

When Facebook started getting massively popular, everyone was like, “c’mon, you gotta join.”  My main question was, why is everyone making this to be so much better than all the others like Friendster or MySpace?  The best answer I got was that it was easier to find people on Facebook.  I guess but once you find them what do you do with them?  It might be just me but I never ended up reconnecting with anyone besides a couple messages of small talk?

That’s really all it is after a while.  It’s a resume, applying for the position of the admiration of other people.  Pictures of people on vacation, of their kids, with friends, here, there, that, nothing.  What is it really accomplishing?  It’s just a display to people giving the impression that they live a worthy life.  Okay, so that’s you standing in front of the Eiffel Tower letting me know that you’ve been to Paris.   You’ll also notice people only take pictures of food when it’s somewhat fancy.  You’ll never see pictures of a McDonald’s meal cause no one is going to be even a little envious.

Perhaps, I’m just being critical since blogging can be very similar.  You post stuff hoping people will read, like, comment.  I think the big difference is the intended use of the site.  I’ve never seen anything on anyone’s Facebook page that shows the deep or darker side of one’s life or anything that needed effort put into it.  No one on Facebook is displaying how poor they are or how genuinely shitty they feel everyday or any interesting ideas.  The most personal message you will see is a ‘status update’ that they had a bad day.  It’s just like a resume in that you only show your bright spots and leave out anything that might reflect poorly upon your image.

Wouldn’t it be a riot if I wrote my posts on Facebook on topics such as ‘having kids is selfish’ or ‘your friends really aren’t your friends’ or ‘does happiness exist?”  It would be considered rude and out of line but it would piss people off and that would be funny.  People would be telling me to get out of here with that crap then I could tell them to stop uploading photos of their girlfriend cause her face bugs me.  So I guess Facebook is suppose to be a place of happiness and envy.

In the end, any type of blogging or social media is for connecting with other people.  As superficial a connection Facebook may provide it’s still a connection.  One can tell themselves those connections mean something and truly believe it.  Facebook is like a life outside of life.  Possibly an escape where a person can show the good side of their face but never have to worry about revealing anything undesirable about themselves.  So I guess it could be rightly renamed, Fakebook.


Letting Go of the One You Love

She was white but it never bothered me one bit.  I actually preferred it.  Call me shallow but what attracted me to her was mostly her exterior.  It made me feel good cause a lot of people seemed envious of me that I landed such a good looking one.  In the beginning, I refrained from taking her out too often.  I wanted us to be together long term so I thought taking it slow was for the better.  It became comfortable though, and being with each other for hours a day did not take its toll.

She was dependable, low maintenance and never left me stranded.  She never asked for much but gave so much in return.  That’s how I felt anyway.  After some years had gone by, the people around me couldn’t understand my infatuation with her.  They thought what they had was better and that I should of moved on.  To me, they were just stuck up and living in a plastic world.  Years later I would look at her with just as much delight as I had from day one.  At the end of the night, I would look back as I was walking away to get a final glimpse before I could see her again the next day.  I felt really lucky that she was mine.

A few more years went by and a small part of me felt that our time could be up soon.  I pushed that thought back for as long as I could.  After many times of neglect, I could feel the distance between us but even then there was still enough strength between us that I could ignore the very strong possibility of the end.  She started getting sick regularly but it wasn’t life threatening at all.  I could have done something more but was too selfish and told myself it would just work itself out.

She was everything a guy would want.  She was never any trouble, looked good and I always enjoyed being with her.  It didn’t matter that I didn’t have a lot of money or that I didn’t know what I was going to do with my future.  There were moments of grief but honestly, it was nothing really.  Most guys end up with pieces of shit usually but not me.  I lucked out and I hardly ever luck out.  I had this dream of being together forever but I think it was just that.  A dream.  A fantasy.  I thought I would be able to bring her back to the way she was when we first met.  You can call me a quitter cause I gave up and let her go.

I will never forget her and she will always live on in my heart.   Nothing lasts forever but without the fantasy of the possibility, life feels meaningless.  The possibility of forever is the sun shining on life.  The less possibility of forever in your life, the less you want to live.  If I could only find a woman who would treat me as well as my first car, I would ask for nothing else.

Redefining Stupid

Calling people stupid seems to be acceptable as long as you are not saying it to their face.  I was thinking about how I’ve done it on this blog and in real life and I’m starting to think it is not such a great term to use.

Most people in this world aren’t stupid.  They are usually of average intelligence who sometimes have their good moments and bad ones.  The amount of stupid people walking around is probably very similar to the number of smart ones.  Everyone else is just somewhat average.  When you call someone stupid, it’s usually directed to a certain incident where in your mind, they should have obviously done something differently.  I think most of the time it’s not stupidity that is the root of bad decisions but emotions and instinct.  I think for everyone there has been many situations where you almost knowingly made the wrong decision but you would never categorize yourself as stupid cause it’s you and not someone else.

Calling someone stupid is worse than using racial slurs.  Racial slurs mean nothing.  They are just derogatory terms to describe someone’s race to maybe anger them.  When you call someone stupid, you can lower their self-esteem and confidence forever.  No one wears the stupid badge with honour.  There’s no Stupid Club, Stupid Panthers or Stupid Pride Parades.

We’re not allowed to hate anyone for the colour of their skin but we can hate stupid people all day long.  What if they are stupid and were just born that way?  Sometimes they are okay as long as they are nice.  Sort of like the one black guy that a KKK member doesn’t mind because he saved his life.  Most often someone will call someone stupid because they don’t see eye to eye.  Is it stupidity or is it ignorance, self-preservation, ego?  Being stupid implies that someone is not able to see the obvious.  Quite often the obvious is only obvious after experience and sometimes that’s not enough.

Being a truly stupid person is quite the disability because you’ll never own up to it and you will go through life trying to convince yourself that you’re not that dumb.  It’s like crazy people.  No one who is crazy thinks they are crazy.  It’s easier to accept being short, weak, fat, homosexual, physically disabled, poor, blind because there’s no denying anything that can be measured or felt.  You can sort of measure how smart or dumb a person is but no one takes those tests or you can always find a way to convince yourself that you are smart enough in some way.  Kind of like people who suck at school will claim to be street smart.

Calling someone or everyone stupid is displaying a sense of anger or frustration.  When you can’t convince someone to see what you see then you often just resort to labelling them as stupid.  It’s also used to bring about a sense of empowerment to one’s self.

I think stupidity is often mistaken for dickheadness.  When someone intends to be a shitty person because of selfish means, then they can only make sense of it with illogical and ruthless thinking which tends to appear stupid.  In actuallity they are not stupid but instead, not very nice.   So maybe it’s more correct to label them as being a-holes or unenlightened instead of stupid.

When someone is considered to be truly stupid, all it means is that they are stupid in this system of life.  Perhaps they are the equivalent to Albert Einstein in some other universe.