Life, My Life, Ramblings, Whatever and Everything in Between and Behind

It snowed today.  So?  I have to drive around in it all day so it matters to me and it sucks.  Everytime shit happens, it shows me how much of a beta personality I have.  My coworkers and I met at a parking lot to exchange packages (I deliver stuff for a job).  I pretty much was able to get out no problem but once I did, I decided to stop to make sure this other guy could get out OK.  That’s where I screwed myself.  Once you stop you lose the momentum and you can get stuck on the tiniest of inclines.  I knew I should have just took off.  Screw people.

After spinning my tires for a few minutes, the most remarkable thing happened.  A police officer came by and offered to push me out with her vehicle.  She had one of those ramming things on the front end of her car.  She managed to get me out and this other beta feeling came over me.  I felt guilty about all the not so nice things that go on in my head sometimes.  It made me feel guilty for ever even considering the thought of being a criminal of some sort.

That was the first time I ever had a positive experience with a police officer.  Growing up, all they ever did was harass us.  They’d pull us over for next to no reason and search our cars and the whole 9 yards.  I never had any respect really for any cops.

It got me to thinking how are lives are shaped by the experiences we encounter on a daily basis.  If you are surrounded by people who are always doing good then your outlook on life would be different.  Or maybe I’m just a pussy.  There’s this guy at work who I think is annoying and I show my disinterest with communicating to him.  He’s not really a bad guy, just annoying.  One time after not being so enthused with him he said to me, “you know what.   I don’t think there were enough people in your life who were nice to you.”  What the hell?  I couldn’t believe he said that to me.  But ya, maybe it’s true.

It’s always easy to see and understand the physical aspects of life.  Most people realize that they are going to get old and their body won’t work as well as it once did.  Hardly anyone ever sees the mental aspect of it though cause it just can’t be seen and can be so easily denied.  We know at least a little about what we should do to keep our body healthy but we’re never very sure how to stay mentally stable.

I think mind and body are connected and work the same way.  If you want to keep your body healthy you have to provide it with the nutrients it needs.  To keep it all together mentally is a whole other ball game.  You can go through a lifetime feeding your mind with poison without knowing it.  It’s so difficult to see any hope with being positive sometimes cause it can’t be proven with science.  You know if you eat better you will lose weight.  You know if you work out you will get stronger.  There’s visual evidence of this.

Just like physical health, sometimes you just have to start somewhere to get the ball rolling.  Not doing anything and telling yourself it won’t work out is the most negative mindset you can have.  We’re all victims of our environment though.  It’s a survival thing.  Also, just like your body, if you neglect your mind it just deteriorates as you get older.

Sometimes I wish I could convince myself that I’m truly depressed so I can have an excuse.  You can say I’m depressed cause I’m hardly ever happy but I know it’s more of an issue with never being on the same page as anyone around me.  I have no issues with being able to be happy if the right circumstances occur but when you don’t mesh well with society it’s often a downer.  Being depressed seems to have a whole lot to do with not belonging in some way with the majority.  If you can’t hold a shitty job you’re depressed.  If you don’t want to talk to people cause you think they are stupid, you are depressed.  If you think all these things people chase are stupid, you are depressed.

I went through most of life feeling inadequate.  There was always an insecurity about not being competent.  That’s all happiness is really, feeling competent.  You feel like a loser when you feel you can’t compete or compete and lose.  This is why happiness is measured in different ways in different parts of the world.  It’s just about competency with the standard in your society.

When you’re young, you are often unintelligent cause you are too confused and overtaken by fear, nonsense and insecurity.  People will always make you feel like shit in some way if you don’t measure up to what they think is successful.  They need to do this to make themselves feel better.  You give them positive reinforcement everytime you put your head down or put yourself down.  If you ever look them in the eye and intelligently justify why you do the things you do, then they have nothing.  Better yet, question them why they do what they do cause no one ever does.  No one questions anyone who follows the status quo.  They are never prepared for such questions and will feel like baboons cause there’s really no respectable answer usually for their way of life.

I think that anyone who has a pretty smooth life without ever being ostracized is often the most boring unintelligent person.  When you never have to struggle or question life, you become an idiot who can only coexist with other idiots who compliment your idiotness.  It’s OK though.  You can’t blame anyone for who they are.  But it’s still annoying.  Sometimes when you talk to an egotistical insecure human being, it’s worse than talking to a wall cause at least a wall never says anything stupid.

Intelligence is always blocked by human emotions.  People only like to see what makes them feel good or not so bad.  Once you put your feelings aside and ask yourself the simple questions, the answer is clear.  It may not be romantic but it’s clear.  Ignorance is gone and most often so is the bliss.

I’ll never forget these last 2 years of my life, no matter what happens.  It’s been a time of isolation, substances, truths, writing and a clearer view of people and life.  People are shit sometimes.  You are in each other’s lives cause you’re benefiting somehow and once that benefit stops, there’s nothing.  The obligations might still be there but the emptiness that goes along with it is as well.  Cultural obligations are not that strong.  You can see through them after a while and it’s gay.  If people don’t want to do something and they don’t benefit, they will try their best to do it as little as possible.  Everyone needs to benefit in some way.  Some ways are just more genuine than others.

I think relationships and marriages don’t work out because it’s treated like a business.  What can I get from this person?  How can I get the upper hand?  Just like a business though, once one person does not follow through, it’s the beginning of the end.  But as long as you can sustain the business then it’s all good.  But 9 out of 10 businesses fail in the first year.  It’s easy to see how something fails when it’s based on numbers but when it’s based on emotions and ideas it’s a different story.

They say your spouse should be like your best friend and I agree with that.  I never see it though.  No one sees or treats their spouse like a best friend.  They usually treat them like tools.  You would never make your best friend do shit that they wouldn’t want to do.  You never tell them they have to do anything.  You would never disrespect them in a way where it’s degrading.

Being lonely is the one of the worst things ever.  That’s why people do everything they do.  To prevent loneliness.  No guy is going to university to impress his guy friends.  No one quits their job cause then they won’t have money to be with people and do the things people do.  Guys give up their fortune in hopes to land a wife even in the most shadiest ways.

Money seems to mean nothing in the face of death and unhappiness.  You could work 20 years and saved up bunch of money but you would give up that money in an instant for your own life or a loved one.  People are always looking for what humans were all suppose to get in the natural world.  Companionship and a reason to live.

One thing that I stay away from is having dinner with people I don’t know.   You’re like a sitting duck for discomfort if you don’t fit in and I never fit in that well.  I’ve never really fit in but I got by in life from being a good friend and a comedian.

I hated working jobs my whole life.  I would always work them and save money and quit.  I hated people having power over me so I would never commit to anything.  I didn’t want my job to own me and it never really did.  I could tell my boss to eat shit right now and it wouldn’t be the end of the world.  I’ve never had car payments, mortgage, serious girlfriend cause I was always scared of being locked in.  If you wanted to blame it on my childhood you could say I was ruled by dictators who always gave me shit for anything.  You could blame my childhood for anything really but I don’t know if it’s the origin of my personality.  

I do suffer from being able to give love and to be able to receive it as well.  I don’t know, maybe I’m too used to being alone and never having anyone showing me any kind of love as a kid.  Not knowing my father never bothered me but it must have made me different.  On top of that never seeing my mother and growing up with a truck driving dictator.  I don’t think I ever had any chance of being ‘normal.’

I resent my mother sometimes.  She only ever gave a shit about money.  On my phone, I have her listed at &^^&#%^ cause I hate seeing ‘mom.’   My mom’s track record is one of lies and coldness.  I feel sorry for her too cause she lived a shitty life.  She’s worked 60 hour weeks, 6 days a week for about 40 years.  She’s never been on a plane since she immigrated here.  Her life is series of failed relationships and work.  I can’t blame here that much either cause she doesn’t know any better.  I guess you can call her stupid. What kind of son calls his mom stupid? I do and I don’t care..hahaha.   But yet, I feel a duty to her cause she has no one else.

You can be a Chinese guy that was born here, like myself but never really fully understand the Canadian culture which is similar to all western culture.  I speak English but I don’t speak Canadian English sometimes.  There’s a lot of mannerisms, humour, etc that you will miss out on if you are Asian.  If your parents don’t speak English and your friends parents don’t speak English, that’s a lot of English that you are missing out on that a typical white person would have.  If you are white, imagine all the things you learned from your parents never happened.  That’s how it is when you’re Asian cause your parents don’t teach you anything except, go to school and work hard.

Western culture is all about rights and upholding a comfortable life whenever the culture see’s fit.  I think it’s just part of evolution.  When things get easy then people get lazy.  Comfort has been around for many westerners for decades.  Asians are just starting to live this life of comfort.  You will hardly ever see a broke Asian cause having money is too new and exciting for us.  Although, many people would say I’m pretty broke for a 33 year old.  They talk about how bad the Great Depression was but for Asian people their whole lives was a Great Depression or at least a depression.  There’s never been a booming 50’s for us.

On the outside Asian families look so great but often it’s just a charade.  There’s hardly any love in an Asian household.  That’s why Asian guys sell dope even though their family appears to be middle class.  The only reason why Asians have a house and some money is usually because they are so cheap.  Western culture puts a lot of emphasis on having fun and living life.

Guys will sell dope if they have no one to disappoint and if they have the opportunity.  Asians don’t respect their parents cause their parents don’t understand the western culture and expect their kids to live life like they did.

On a side note, 3 black guys were hired in our company in the last 2 years and now they’ve all been fired.  Their manager is white.  I’m not saying anything but it’s just funny.  People ask me why they got fired and the first thing I say is, “because they’re black.”  I don’t know, it’s just funnier than saying something like, “ummm, he was late too many times.’   I warned the latino guy from Los Angeles that he’s next.

Since being on WordPress, I’ve come to see a few things.  There’s a shitload of people who want to be writers.  There’s always people trying to teach you how to make money blogging.  There’s a lot of fake likers.  There’s these inspirational blogs that are quite common as well.  I think that’s bullshit cause they never end up sticking around very long.  It’s one of those things where they had a rush of positivity but they probably came back to reality.  More than anything most of the time, I think people write blogs cause they are lonely in some way.  It seems pretty messed up to spend time writing shit, hoping people will read and like it.

Well, perhaps I should end this long ass blog post.  If you’ve made it this far, I’m flattered.  I mean it.  What is a good writer anyway?  I never really understood it.  Is it the way they describe things?  Or is it the ideas that they transfer to words?  I don’t really read so I don’t have much of an opinion on the matter.

What’s up with fat women wearing Lulu Lemon yoga pants.  You know if you lost some weight(a lot of weight) you would look much sexier in cheap clothes that fit well.  Fashionable clothing is for non-fat people.  It’s hard to be fat, fashionable and look good.  It’s so fucked up that people will spend large amounts of money on clothes that will never make them look attractive cause they’re too fat.  It’s like giving up on losing weight to look better.  And it’s not your metabolism it’s cause your a gluttonous sloth.

People always say they can’t do things but the truth is they don’t want to which is fine but don’t lie to yourself.  Once you tell yourself you can’t do something, you sabotage yourself with denial.

When I was in grade 1 they put me in ELC which stood for English Learning Centre.  This was for people whose English was not up to snuff.  Mine was alright but I was so quiet that they thought my English sucked.  1st day in that class they kicked me out cause they realized I was just a mute.  They should have brought me to see someone when the teacher made every kid smile before they could leave and I was the lone kid sitting by himself cause everyone else had smiled.  She kept egging me to smile but I just stared at her and wouldn’t do it.  I couldn’t fake smile and I still can’t.  She just got fed up and let me go.

I have something to admit if you haven’t already guessed.  I’m high on MDMA.  People usually do it with other people but I have no one to do it with or want to do it with so I did some on my own.  I guess you can say it’s an anti-depressant.  Or you could just say it’s a stimulant like caffeine, sugar, speed, sex, junk food.   Life is all about stimulation whether it’s drugs, constant smartphoning, TV, spending money, vacation.

If you’ve gotten this far you must hate me…hahaha.   This is like my longest post of absolutely nothing and everything.  I have some teenage readers and I don’t know how I feel about that.  I feel like I’m breaking the law or something or that I’m doing something immoral communicating with teenagers.  Then again that Harry Potter author’s fan base is primarily teenagers, I think.  I find it kind of odd how any teenager would read my blog cause it doesn’t seem like a blog that a teenager would like.  Most teenagers would just make fun of me for being a loser..hahaha.   I think with the internet, younger people have the opportunity to become really aware but also retarded.  But the opportunity to be able to be this aware of what’s going on was never available in the past.  Being retarded was and always will be.

I’ve realized with drugs, if your metabolism is good, you get high way quicker.  When I was a lethargic piece of crap, it would take forever for drugs to kick in.  Now it’s so fast cause I’m healthier.  Hahaha, you like that one didn’t you.

People do MDMA and go party, I take it and write a blog post. Hahaha.  I guess my fingers are doing the dancing.  I guess you can’t leave me yet, cause I’m not tired yet.  In America they categorize drugs by ‘schedules.’   1 being the worst.  Marijuana and MDMA are on that list cause they conceive them to have no medicinal use whereas heroin and cocaine are scheduled 2 cause they apparently do.  So retarded.

Holy shit, you must be bored by now.  Unless if you were bored before even reading this, then in that case reading my bullshit might have given you some entertainment.  Debra, are you still reading? Do you hate me yet? hahaha.

Thanks Debra for always reading.  You have been my longest regular reader.  I am flattered by it and still don’t understand why you read my stuff.  Maybe better that I don’t know, otherwise it may interfere with my writing.  If I have just 1 reader then it’s worth it for me to do this.  I miss the dogs.  They are awesome.  I would love to have a Jada and Blitz duo.  They get along so well and are so much fun.  Say hi to the dogs for me and tell Jim he is an asshole.  Or if he is reading this with you then “hey Jim, you are an asshole.” Just joking.  I hate that I feel I have to say that I’m joking sometimes cause I almost always am but am too fearful that people will take it the wrong way.

This is the blog post that never ends.  I’ve probably wiped out 10 posts into one.  Don’t worry, I’ll always have something to write about.  I don’t think I’m going to even attempt to proofread this one.  I read my old posts and I always see so many obvious grammar mistakes that make me look like a fool but oh well.  I think grammar is important for not confusing the reader but if it’s not confusing then I don’t think it’s a big deal.

It was back in the early 2000’s that I realized the American government was a sham.  I guess most governments are but America made it so obvious.  I could not believe George Bush Jr was the President of the United States.  I knew it had to be a sham cause this guy couldn’t get a job at a fast food joint on his on merit.  Then he got re-elected and that solidified my suspicions.  The whole invading Iraq after 911 seemed ridiculous.  There were no weapons of mass destruction found but they still went in anyway against UN approval and after the whole thing was over they still didn’t find anything.

The scariest thing is that the whole world is convinced that politics is a sham but nothing happens.  The people in power keep doing things for devilish reasons and everyone accepts it.  It’s almost as if the government is flexing its muscles saying, “ya you know we did it, and so what?”

I think it’s time to wrap this baby up.  I’d like to thank you all for coming out tonight or morning.  I enjoyed this.  Then again, I’m high so I would enjoy anything almost.  Except getting raped by a large black man.  Black guys should have t-shirts that read, ‘you think I have a big penis.’  That’s how popular black people are.  We have like 4 black people in Vancouver but I’ve seen so many on TV that it distorts my image of what black people are all about yet I get all the stereotypes and jokes about fried chicken and watermelon.  I’m starting to not make sense now.

I just thought of something weird.  You know how you hear a song on the radio that you’ve heard a million times, you have it stored somewhere, you have the CD but when you hear it come on the radio the feeling is so much better cause it was a surprise and it took you from zero to almost hero.  Also, you know in the back of your head that once it’s over it’s over so you enjoy the moment that much more.  There’s this saying by Alan Watts.  Something about if you can picture you future then you probably don’t want it cause you had it already.  A good life is all about the surprises.  I think what he means by, “you’ve had it already” is that you lived that dream already but just in a different way but the feeling is the same.  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m totally off.

When’s this guy going to stop?  Sorry, I’m kind of unoccupied.  TV shows don’t engage me like they did before.  I’d rather write on this thing hence the 240 posts.  Most people don’t last this long on the WordPress thing.  They seem to come and go.  I think some have real lives to live and others are discouraged by their lack of readership.  This damn blog has been therapy for me and probably torture for others but we all get a voice on the web.  I write the stuff I do cause I find not many people do.  I like to demolish myself in front of you cause it’s liberating.  Okay, THE END…

For a treat for making it this far or being smart for scrolling through my mess, I will reveal my identity.  I don’t reveal which company I work for or my face cause I’m afraid someone at work will find this blog and I will be the buttend of jokes.  Plus I’m prone to saying stupid shit that would probably get me fired.

Here you go.  My mug with my laundry hanging in the background.

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8 comments on “Life, My Life, Ramblings, Whatever and Everything in Between and Behind

  1. jcbb says:

    It’s their mistake, not my failure. 🙂

    Like

  2. Of course I’m still reading! I think I’m fed with poison too. It’s called the news. I really think it’s killing me inside, seriously. We have no choice but to keep up with the ongoing nightmare of earth’s bullies but it’s like adding a sprinkle of cyanide to your coffee every morning, not enough to kill you but keeps you permanently sick.

    I can’t stand this obsession with finding ‘happiness.’ It’s about as realistic as leading the life of a rock star, unless you’re completely desensitized to suffering.

    I imagine a lot of parents force their values on their kids because that’s all they know. My mother was not warm and made us live like it was still the depression. Never allowed a treat, or anything new, and no hugs either. My parents were antisocial so I think it’s in my DNA. I can’t just go out and be the fucking life of the party or pretend to like people. I’m not complaining just stating the facts.

    I know culture keeps people who don’t fit in feeling like freaks. You’ve mentioned the ridiculous wedding/marriage theatrics many times, so it bothers you, but a lot of people truly do not care. I’ve never experienced that kind of pressure to conform. But the cultural pressure to ‘belong’ with social media is distressing to people who aren’t part of it. But do some quick google searches about this and see millions of people who refuse to be a part of it. Yeah blogging helps–I’m amazed and delighted when people agree with me.

    I don’t think I agree with that Alan Watts thing. Because I would gladly go back to something I’ve had–a job to love, youth, freedom. And I thought visualization is supposed to help make your dreams really happen. And I don’t like surprises because they usually suck.

    You know we’re jealous of your readily available party favor. None here unless you’re a high school kid I guess. I think it was originally a therapy for fighting couples or depression, etc. I knew this couple back in CT that had their relationship saved by it (only a big deal because they had kids). Would love to do it with you and listen to you ramble all night. Would interrupt frequently. When are you coming back–Jada and Blitz can’t wait to jump on you. Ha ha ha Jimmy acknowledges what he truly is but won’t even try to change. I think people just are who they are. We’re supposed to have all this power to change but I’m not buying it. I’ve been trying to meditate lately but it gives me panic attacks. Sometimes I can’t get Jasmine out of my head and I just cry and cry. I don’t like to lie there and ‘clear my mind.’ It’s a portal to madness.

    Love and miss your face dude. I know it sucks here but please move here so my life will be better.

    Like

    • MrJohnson says:

      I think the solution to poison is inspiration. We’re all expected to just believe in something positive but realistically we need someone to genuinely show us.

      Happiness probably does exist for some people. The cards fell in the right places and they never had to or never tried to use their brains.

      Yes, it is because it’s all they know and it sucks that it’s all they know. I guess it’s just passing down the knowledge that got them through life. If it helped you stay alive this long, don’t fix it and pass it along. I always use that line too, about how I’m not expecting or complaining, just stating the facts.

      I think the Alan Watts thing is referring to not really wanting a future that you’ve never had rather than one that you used to have but want again. I don’t know, I’m not totally convinced either but it’s kind of intriguing.

      I’m not sure when I’m coming back. I’m not sure when I’ll be leaving this city again. I’m too lazy to even drive to Seattle to visit my friend. Who knows, maybe a rush of spontaneity will hit me and you will see me on your doorstep with 5 hour notice. Meditating is the most difficult doing nothing activity. You’re suppose to just put your mind into your breathing or something else but with full focus. I’m not very successful at it either.

      Ya you think you’d be happier if I lived there…haha. You are foolish, woman.

      Like

  3. Cafe says:

    i was just thinking last night about how that’s so true — who you surround yourself with can totally change your perspective on life. it’s a powerful thing.

    some really good stuff you say here. that we can go through a lifetime feeding our mind with poison without knowing it. that is so true. and scary. and very common.

    and also everything about feeling insecure, not good enough, not successful. shit, we have so much pressure put on us to be a certain somebody from a young age, when we can barely figure ourselves out. i think we gotta really try to get out of our own way, not let us be our own obstacle, because goodness knows that the world won’t stop throwing things our way. but if we can stop being our own enemy, the world’s got nothing on us 😉

    yeah, people and life are definitely shit sometimes. but some people and some things about life can also be amazing too — amazing enough that you actually feel grateful for being alive. it goes back to what you said about who you surround yourself with. when i was thinking about this last night, i thought about how it seems like i was living a completely different (negative) life a few years because of the people i was mostly around. and how much things have changed since i’ve removed some of those life-sucking bastards out of it. i read back to these past 5 lines and it sounds a little Oprah, but i can’t really cram my whole life story in here so that’s the summary =P

    no one is ‘normal’. even people who seem ‘normal’ – well, they’re either as you said oblivious to what’s really going on in the world (and who wants to be like that?), or they got the same kinda issues as you and i do. we just can’t tell.

    no, i don’t hate you 🙂 i think you’re really honest and self-aware in a lot of respects, and those are things that are hard to come by in most people in this world, but i also think you don’t see a lot of things about yourself either. i hope you turn those amazing qualities about yourself into giving yourself the life, or at least the peace of mind, you want.

    well, i came by to wish you a merry christmas and happy holidays. wasn’t expecting your super long post (lol) but it was well worth the read. thanks for sharing 🙂

    janice

    Like

    • MrJohnson says:

      It is scary. There’s no real nutritional guide for life like there is for food. Although the nutritional information for food is far from accurate. It’s amazing that someone can weave their way through life successfully cause it’s just so easy to fail. I think the great majority of us grow up without any good mentors and inspirational figures which is a recipe for disaster. Some of us get lucky and somehow manage to figure it out but it’s so easy to fall in a pit of suffering. We don’t always have that person in our life who we respect and knows what they are doing who can knock that poison away from us.

      I haven’t been somewhat grateful for my life since I was 14..lol. It almost seems like a fantasy for it to ever happen in the future. I’d feel like the luckiest bastard if it ever did happen.

      I guess ‘normal’ to me just means wanting to be accepted or wanting the feeling of fitting in whether you suck at it or not. Something like that anyway.

      Those things I don’t see about myself. I hope that’s true cause then there’s hope for better. Those are kind and sweet words. Thank you.

      I wasn’t expecting to write a super long post..hahaha. But thanks for reading cause I wouldn’t have. That’s the kind of a-hole I am..lol. It’s cool you stopped by. Merry Christmas to you too!

      Like

      • Cafe says:

        I agree, having that positive role model is so important. Maybe if they can’t physically be in our everyday life, we can look elsewhere for inspiration. Lots of amazing people out in the world doing great things and overcoming great hurdles. But of course it is a different story when that person is in your life helping to guide you personally.

        No need to thank me. I hope you do see those things in yourself sooner rather than later, because it’s so easy to pile on all the doubts and negative self-perceptions over all of those great qualities you have until they just get lost deeper and deeper beneath the rubble.

        I know what you mean about wanting to feel like you belong. I felt like I didn’t TRULY belong anywhere, in any group, for many, many years. And it was a very sad feeling. I think what helped me was, one, realizing that even though I felt like I was different from others in certain groups, they still loved me all the same, and two, that there is something good in being “different” from others – to not necessarily look at it as making yourself an outsider, but that you bring something unique to the group. And that’s pretty cool, in my opinion 😉

        Hope you had a nice Christmas and have a happy new year coming up!

        Like

  4. ntfcnicky says:

    There was a lot of content in that post XD So much to think about in one go… but on the what makes a good writer point, I think it’s ultimately subjective. If we can relate to it or have some empathy for a character or a theme, we’ll like it, so I guess it’s about engaging people.
    In the grand old scheme of things, we’re never going to be good enough, I’ve come to realise that no matter what I do, someone will always be better than me, I think the sooner we accept that and move on the sooner we can try to find some sort of happiness.

    Like

    • MrJohnson says:

      That sounds like a pretty good definition. Engaging makes a lot of sense.

      I think the acceptance aspect of competence, choices, life and yourself is difficult when you think there is no one who will accept you. The first thing that comes to mind is, ‘so what, screw them.’ Ya, but that tends to lead to scary thoughts of isolation and unhappiness. But maybe it’s just easier than I’m making it out to be and the hard part is just letting go and letting it be.

      Like

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