I’ve really never been that happy. Although, I think it would be really difficult to know for sure, even if you thought you were. I’ve had my moments I guess but even during those moments there was always something spoiling my party. Even during those times when I should have been happy, I killed the possibility with my mindset. My mind could never allow me to be happy if I didn’t see forever or at least long term with minimal drawbacks .
Almost everyone loves vacations. Some even speak as if it’s the meaning of their existence. As much as I enjoy travelling, the fact that I know it’s only a week or 2 away from regular reality, turns it into a hiatus instead of the time of my life. I’m not the type to brag about all the places I’ve been to. It doesn’t make me feel that my life was that much greater just because I’ve been here and there. The vacations are just a blip in my life which is a life comprised of a mostly mundane and displeasing routine. The memories and present moment don’t keep me that warm but I always feel the seemingly cold road ahead.
Ask me how the camping trip went and I’ll will give you an unenthusiastic response even if I enjoyed myself. Ask someone else and they’ll probably tell you how “awesome!” it was. Call it a survivalist mentality, in that once the moment is over, it doesn’t matter. I’m always looking for security and I’ve never been close to it. If I know an experience or benefit isn’t going to last then happiness is not possible and I’m not good at fooling myself. When the inevitable misery is somewhere around the corner it will plague the carefree part of my mind.
I think as part of the animal species, we’re in love with forever. If we can’t have it then we often tell ourselves we do. It’s easy to plan for a secure mundane future but a future free from misery and a gloomy uncertainty is like winning the lottery. I’m just not good at telling myself everything is going to be alright when it’s just wishful thinking.
It seems like no matter what we accomplish it’s never over. You can’t have a girlfriend or wife and just put your feet up and do whatever you please. You graduate from university and land a good job but you still have to work for a long time. Yes, you make $100,000 a year but you won’t if you stop going to work. You go on vacation and when you arrive home you are greeted by a nice sign that says, “Welcome back to Hell. We’ve missed you.” Every time you have someone telling you “congratulations” it’s just the beginning of a long road.
It’s even worse now since I don’t believe in much anymore. When someone is being nice to me or feeding me words of kindness, it’s pretty much just ‘whatever’ to me. I used to get caught up in those kinds of moments and carry them in my back pocket to comfort me, believing that I meant something to some people and my life had significance. It was positive reinforcement for the religion I worshipped which had no name. Some may call it life.
I just received a text message 30 seconds ago from a friend who invited me to his place for Thanksgiving. It’s like this post was meant to be or something. Thanksgiving happens a little earlier in Canada. “It would be nice to hang out” he writes. No it wouldn’t. This get together would just be positive reinforcement for his idea of what friends are suppose to do. In his head, as long as it looks good on paper it’s good enough. What? Yes, I know, it’s possibly the most negative and cynical outlook on a seemingly friendly invitation.
When you have ‘friends’ that have been in your life for 20 plus years and you come to the sad realization that the definition of friends is whatever people want it to be depending on their situation, you lose faith in the idea of friends and people in general. I may be cynical and negative or other people might just be ignorant or even oblivious.
I always see bullshit. When other people see cool, special, meaningful, I see crap. Crap and meaningful are very similar in that it’s warm at first and then it gets colder until one day it finally breaks apart.
Of course this might be just me. I’m sure other people do back flips every time they hit a new milestone in life. The Buddhists always preach about being in the moment and not to agonize about the future cause it doesn’t exist. I suppose there’s some truth to it but it really only works better in theory most of the time. Perhaps you can’t predict the future in detail but it’s either going to be good, bad or somewhere in between.
So what will make me happy? A new brain or to be whisked away to a fairytale existence where magic is always possible. I don’t care what anyone says, winning the lottery would make me happier forever. I’m Chinese, I’m good with my money.