How I Destroy Happiness

I’ve really never been that happy.  Although, I think it would be really difficult to know for sure, even if you thought you were.  I’ve had my moments I guess but even during those moments there was always something spoiling my party.  Even during those times when I should have been happy, I killed the possibility with my mindset.  My mind could never allow me to be happy if I didn’t see forever or at least long term with minimal drawbacks .

Almost everyone loves vacations.  Some even speak as if it’s the meaning of their existence.  As much as I enjoy travelling, the fact that I know it’s only a week or 2 away from regular reality, turns it into a hiatus instead of the time of my life.  I’m not the type to brag about all the places I’ve been to.  It doesn’t make me feel that my life was that much greater just because I’ve been here and there.  The vacations are just a blip in my life which is a life comprised of a mostly mundane and displeasing routine.  The memories and present moment don’t keep me that warm but I always feel the seemingly cold road ahead.

Ask me how the camping trip went and I’ll will give you an unenthusiastic response even if I enjoyed myself.  Ask someone else and they’ll probably tell you how “awesome!” it was.  Call it a survivalist mentality, in that once the moment is over, it doesn’t matter.  I’m always looking for security and I’ve never been close to it.  If I know an experience or benefit isn’t going to last then happiness is not possible and I’m not good at fooling myself.  When the inevitable misery is somewhere around the corner it will plague the carefree part of my mind.

I think as part of the animal species, we’re in love with forever.  If we can’t have it then we often tell ourselves we do.  It’s easy to plan for a secure mundane future but a future free from misery and a gloomy uncertainty is like winning the lottery.  I’m just not good at telling myself everything is going to be alright when it’s just wishful thinking.

It seems like no matter what we accomplish it’s never over.  You can’t have a girlfriend or wife and just put your feet up and do whatever you please.  You graduate from university and land a good job but you still have to work for a long time.  Yes, you make $100,000 a year but you won’t if you stop going to work.  You go on vacation and when you arrive home you are greeted by a nice sign that says, “Welcome back to Hell.  We’ve missed you.”  Every time you have someone telling you “congratulations” it’s just the beginning of a long road.

It’s even worse now since I don’t believe in much anymore.  When someone is being nice to me or feeding me words of kindness, it’s pretty much just ‘whatever’ to me.  I used to get caught up in those kinds of moments and carry them in my back pocket to comfort me, believing that I meant something to some people and my life had significance.  It was positive reinforcement for the religion I worshipped which had no name.  Some may call it life.

I just received a text message 30 seconds ago from a friend who invited me to his place for Thanksgiving.  It’s like this post was meant to be or something.  Thanksgiving happens a little earlier in Canada.   “It would be nice to hang out” he writes.  No it wouldn’t.  This get together would just be positive reinforcement for his idea of what friends are suppose to do.  In his head, as long as it looks good on paper it’s good enough.  What? Yes, I know, it’s possibly the most negative and cynical outlook on a seemingly friendly invitation.

When you have ‘friends’ that have been in your life for 20 plus years and you come to the sad realization that the definition of friends is whatever people want it to be depending on their situation, you lose faith in the idea of friends and people in general.   I may be cynical and negative or other people might just be ignorant or even oblivious.

I always see bullshit.  When other people see cool, special, meaningful, I see crap.  Crap and meaningful are very similar in that it’s warm at first and then it gets colder until one day it finally breaks apart.

Of course this might be just me.  I’m sure other people do back flips every time they hit a new milestone in life.  The Buddhists always preach about being in the moment and not to agonize about the future cause it doesn’t exist.  I suppose there’s some truth to it but it really only works better in theory most of the time.  Perhaps you can’t predict the future in detail but it’s either going to be good, bad or somewhere in between.

So what will make me happy?  A new brain or to be whisked away to a fairytale existence where magic is always possible.  I don’t care what anyone says, winning the lottery would make me happier forever.  I’m Chinese, I’m good with my money.

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12 comments on “How I Destroy Happiness

  1. Winning the lottery would make me happy too, and not because I care about having shit. No you wouldn’t be able to stop the world from self-destructing but you could distract yourself pretty well by supporting your own causes in a big way. Maybe I’d become so busy with them that I wouldn’t need to torture myself every day by reading the news. I would live in beautiful isolation instead of this ugly depressing one.

    You should come here for all holidays and we’ll not celebrate them by getting high and watching some comedy. How about we don’t feed you words of kindness–just insults? We could probably get Maxi to bite you. We just watched ‘Beer Hall Putsch’ and didn’t laugh. His same old shtick is getting old. But the Bill Burr ‘You People are All the Same’ was pretty funny. Except once these guys have money they immerse themselves in non-relatable problems, like those annoying gold-digging girlfriends. Guy gets rich and has to have the beautiful whiny selfish girlfriend that makes him miserable. Where did I go wrong not becoming a gold digger? Just think I could be all pissy about him not remembering my birthday with that $400 sweater instead of beating myself up for being a failure at life.

    No argument from me on anything you’ve said here. I’m with you on a new brain, the oblivious model please.

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    • MrJohnson says:

      I want to win the lottery so I don’t have to think about 9-5. I treat insults the same way I treat words of kindness, ‘whatever’. Not the snobby girl ‘whateverrr’ but the I don’t care version. I watched that ‘Beer Hall Putsch’ a few weeks ago on Netflix. I thought it was pretty funny. That was the first of Stanhope I’ve ever seen. I’ll check out that Bill Burr one. I was just listening to him on the podcast a couple days ago. He was a good guest.

      I can be happy with this brain, it will just be really difficult. Oblivious model would be better though.

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  2. kalyrical says:

    Hm, I think we all get boughs of these thoughts, except in your case, they really stick to you.

    It makes me really sad to agree that every time I go on vacation, I can’t help thinking about its end, and the return to my uneventful life. It almost seems unfair that I’ve been waiting for the vacation for so long, and after it ends, that’s kind of it. I’m back to where I was.

    I dunno, I guess I try to “be in the moment” too, because what else is there to do?

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    • MrJohnson says:

      Everyone dreads the end of a vacation and the beginning of regular life again. I think everyone does anyway. But I think some are pretty content cause they were able to check off a destination from their list and brag about it to friends and coworkers.

      Not many people destroy happiness like I do so you’ll be okay!

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  3. Jimmy says:

    At least you have health eh? Every single day I wake up and wonder what pain I need to worry about that day. Migraine, back pain, hip pain or some inner pain I can’t understand. Or perhaps it’s one of those days where my heart feels like it’s beating out of my chest and weak. Taking morphine and vicodin with a nice topping of a weekly shot which makes me feel like my body is trying to squirm out of my skin. And every single day I wonder if it would be better to just take a handful of morphine and call it a life. I have no savings, no job, and the disability check doesn’t quite cover living expenses. The only thing that keeps me going is my little dog that I can’t abandon, and my partner Debra. Yes, the worst thing about vacations is coming home, I start thinking about the coming home part before the vacation even begins, and I’ve only been on one vacation in 40 years. Just try to live day to day and do something useful on that particular day. Give a homeless person a buck, pick up that weird looking hitchhiker who just needs a ride, help the old lady with her groceries, just giving a little help to someone makes me feel good inside and perhaps a tiny bit useful to this shitty world. I would give so much and help so many people if I won the lottery, I know I won’t be around long enough to enjoy it anyways. What would you do without your 9-5 man, sit around and wallow in self pity in a chair made out of a pile of money? What aspect of winning the lottery would make you anymore happy with your life if nothing in your life makes you happy to start with.

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    • MrJohnson says:

      My health doesn’t matter cause I have it. It’s like being thankful for my 2 hands and ears everyday..it doesn’t happen. I know life could be easily worse and there’s millions who live that reality but that’s not my life so it doesn’t really make me feel any better. When or if my life becomes worse, then I will think about how stupid I was for complaining when I really had it ok.

      Taking it day by day is good advice especially the doing something useful part. I always think about it but sometimes I don’t have much motivation to do anything after work. It takes a lot of discipline to regularly avoid the TV or internet. To be honest, at the beginning of my day I tell myself that I’m going to do this and that but by the time I get off work there’s not much drive.

      You’re right about the helping people part. I’m not picking up no hitchhiker here though.

      Without the 9-5 I would sit around in my chair that is made of money in several different countries where the sun is shining while getting a manicure. Winning the lottery would eliminate having to ever worry about money or having to work undesirable jobs. I could volunteer and take 1 hour to eat my meals.

      But ya, I will think about how to make better use of my time and make the most of it.

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    • MrJohnson says:

      If I won the lotto I would also donate a substantial amount to the ASLF…. Association of Sri Lankan Fugitives.

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  4. Kristin :) says:

    Booze will make you happy!! Jk. Maybe just taking things one day at a time, and basking in the moment. Sure you have to go back to reality after a 2 week vacation, but that shouldn’t stop you from having a good time!

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    • MrJohnson says:

      Believe me, I’ve tried the booze route and it’s not a good solution..hahaha.

      It’s all about the moment. I never let reality rain on my parade too much. It’s just that reality makes the parade seem really short.

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  5. So you’re a glass half empty kind of guy? Winning the lottery would make you happy because you’d get out of the 9-5 and then be on vacay forever? But I do think it would be wise to donate to the ASLF if you ever won a big batch of dough. As for vacation, it’s always rough coming back – but I look at it as nice having something to come back to. A job that pays for my apartment and while neither are my dream, I’m not on the sleeping on the street (yet). But if I find myself on the street, I’m looking you up with my fingers crossed that you’ve won the lottery (and I won’t care if you’re happy or not).

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  6. MrJohnson says:

    Not half empty, just empty haha. I do see it as half empty sometimes cause it’s the easy way out. Other times I see it half full cause I believe I have to. When I decide to see it half full it often turns out to be like a mirage in the desert. I think seeing the glass half full but not expecting it to be is the best way to go. For me to do this I would have to stop thinking which may be a good thing.

    For some reason I can’t see myself being even close to unhappy if I won the lottery. Well, I guess if people tried to extort me then it might suck.

    Having something to come back to is a good way to look at it but I don’t know if I can ever feel the same way for very long. Perhaps I would if I had as much fun as you do then I would be able to justify working.

    You don’t need to wait to be living on the street and me to win the lottery to mooch off me. All you have to do is make up a story on WordPress that you lost your job and all your friends ditched you cause you can’t afford detergent to wash your socks. Then I will read it and send you funds via Western Union.

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