Throughout my life my thoughts and actions were based on boredom and beliefs. I can understand the boredom and beliefs but the beliefs were retardedley out of fear, environment and probably other stuff. The whole foundation of our lives are based on our beliefs. The really crappy part is that our beliefs can often be foolish.
I go back to my thoughts when I was younger and think about what drove me to be sad, angry, excited, accepted and it was usually the beliefs that I had at the time. If it’s just a belief then it’s really just a faith and like many faiths they can be false. When you are younger you might believe staying home on Friday night makes you a loser. When you get older you might believe being unemployed or working a shitty job makes you a loser. As we get older it seems the beliefs become more miserable to be faithful to and more depressing to not be able to meet those beliefs. It’s like there’s this cultural bible most of us have that tells us how we should live in order to be happy. There’s commandments that should be trusted. Thou shalt must keep certain friends and family forever. Thou shalt always make more money and never less. Thou shalt get married and have kids. Thou shalt go on exotic vacations. Our bible today can be like a picture bible and its preachers are the people all around us. You see pictures of people who look so happy on vacation and the message that goes to your brain is that if you go there it will make your life more worthy. You see pictures of a family who look so happy in their well lit spacious house and you think that must be where happiness is. It must be because you see it in these pictures and everyone else says it is too. Well, maybe they don’t always say it but that’s the kind of energy they give out. All this is just faith though and not factual but it really just seems like what you’re supposed to do.
Belief is all people have sometimes even if it’s not the belief in grand ideas of riches and love. The belief that you are someone in someway keeps you going even if it’s just fuel from misery and ego. When people are faced with the possibility that their main beliefs might be bollocks the first reaction is to fight it because they’re scared. After you’ve believed in a way of living and thinking so long you can’t even imagine living a different life. It’s like taking a main ingredient out of a popular recipe. It’s going to taste really different. I conformed to so many things before because I believed I had to. Even though I thought it was stupid I still did it. That’s how strong believing is. It makes you do things you don’t want to do because you don’t know what else to believe in. A belief can stay with you a whole lifetime and die with you. We’re so desperately wanting to be something and not nothing in life that we’ll believe anything that makes us feel better.
Religion is faith and so are the cultural beliefs that we have in our society. The common beliefs in society regarding family, friends, love, success, you name it, are all based on faith and not fact. But it’s not looked at as a faith but instead, “real life.” The trickiest beliefs are the ones like religion where you can never find out the truth until you’re dead and even then who knows. Even when our cultural beliefs don’t seem to materialize we still believe in them. We might just think it hasn’t happened for us yet or that we failed in achieving them because of some shortcoming from ourselves. Often we don’t think that maybe it’s a bullshit belief. Unlike Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, there aren’t enough people to tell you that some things just aren’t true.
I used to believe the same things that the people around me believed. My life was never a good projection of what these beliefs were and that was the basis for most of my sadness. It was like a game and it always felt like I was losing or just treading water. A big reason why you associate yourself with the people you do is because your lives are probably based on similar beliefs. Once you stop believing though then it’s over. If you no longer believe in Jesus then you’re not going to want to go to church anymore or be around Jesus lovers. If you hate going to church and all of the people there, you might still go as long as you believe.
It sucks when you don’t believe in anything. I don’t really. It’s depressing. I used to believe in people and ego but I just can’t do it anymore. People generally suck sooner or later and ego is for fools. I’ve felt shitty about myself most of my life but could always find a way to trick myself that I was in someway special in society. These days I sometimes think I’m special but it’s more like the kids in the portable 1 block from all the other kids kind of special.