Staying indoors sucks the life out of you

Woke up this morning and laid around and fell back asleep again.  Woke up and watched a BBC nature dvd.  1pm rolls around and I feel like total crap inside and out.  I had to get outside so I did some exercise and walked around for 20 minutes.  Once I came back from my walk I was all of a sudden inspired to wash my car, shampoo my floor mat (I only did 1 of them) and do laundry.  I had no ambitions to do any of these things when I was laying around breathing in stale air.  I guess that’s my positive inspirational speech for you all.

In my mid 20’s I worked at a call center responding to customer questions and concerns through instant messaging.  I was stuck at a desk for 8 hours a day.  Not sure how I did it but maybe when I was younger I had more tolerance for stuff I didn’t like.  Being stuck indoors drove me nuts.  I wasn’t aware of it at the time though.  I would sneak off to the washroom not to use the facilities but just to get away from my desk.  I would just stand by the sink and dread going back.  At times there was this feeling of wanting to jump out of the window cause my mind and body were so restless.  Anyway that job stunk but the pay was ok and the benefits were really good.  Another instance where I sold my soul.  Anyone who works at a call center and says they like their job is probably a liar liar pants on fire.  There’s really nothing to like.  People yell at you and ask you not so smart questions all day.  The being stuck at the desk part might be the worst thing for me  Time crawls…like really crawls.  Not sure if I could do a desk type job again.  Plus your mind and eyes get all zombied out by the end of the shift.

Ever since I started blogging I never really put much effort into reading blogs until recently.  I’ve been surfing the tag, ‘thoughts’ and the blogs listed there get me all confused.  I come out of it not knowing what to think sometimes.  It ranges from super positive to super depressing to super normal to super anything.  It sometimes makes me question what I normally think.  I can always relate to the more depressing, cynical and hopeless type posts but don’t want to disregard the somewhat positive ones that my mind wants to quickly reject sometimes.

Just want to say Sundays suck when you work Monday to Friday.  It’s like the come down from getting high.  There’s the Monday Blues and then there’s Anxiety Sundays.  I guess that’s a bit extreme.  Maybe Somber Sundays.

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How I got scammed on WordPress

People often like a story about how someone else was scammed.  It just makes people feel a little better.  The title says I got scammed but really, I scammed myself.

It all started around October of 2012 when a blogger (Journeyman1977) commented on one of my posts.  As I usually do when someone comments, I check out their blog.  This guy had a fascinating story about his life that also made you feel sympathetic for him.  He wrote about how he was framed in Sri Lanka by his family member and had to spend 17 months in a shithole jail.  While having posted bail and awaiting trial he made a decision to flee and become a fugitive.  His plan was to arrange an escape to France or America where he has citizenship.

During his time spent hiding from the authorities he started a blog and wrote constantly on his blog and others.  It seemed so fitting as he had so much time on his hands with limited options.  His followers grew immensely as did the heartfelt comments of support for his situation.  Many followers including myself were there for every step of his journey through despair, alcoholism, betrayal, ptsd and hope.  His comments always appeared genuine as did his reasons for blogging and interacting.

Fast forward to about March of this year and a blog post he had published described a man who was alone on the streets with no funds and losing all hope to be able to ward off capture in the very near future.  This is where I go retarded.  I wanted to help this person as his story seemed genuine.  This is why I say I scammed myself.  There was no pleading for a donation of any sort but I took it upon myself to offer a bit of money to him.  My philosophy was that I’m not financially starving so if I can, why shouldn’t I help someone out who needs it.  He gladly accepted and was very appreciative.  I sent him $250 through Western Union…the #1 preferred method of scammers.

It was not much longer after this when things just started to not make sense.  He got greedy and so did his story.   I’m leaving a lot out cause it would take me forever to give you all the details.    With contact through instant messaging via smartphone his stories began to not make sense and mostly revolved around situations where he needed more money.  I refused as it didn’t seem genuine anymore.  Once I fully realized I was taken for a ride I ceased communication.  His whole story was a lie.

So what was the his whole motive from the beginning?  I think it was to get attention.  He thinks he’s an aspiring writer who decided to test out the waters on WordPress.  Every person he deceived was another pat on the back for him and his ego.  It wasn’t that his story was so tight and refined that made it believable.  It was the hearts of his readers that made it believable cause if any of us thought with our brains instead of our hearts we would have written him off right away.

Believe it or not I’m not as embarrassed about getting frauded in this fashion as one probably would be.  I can definitely understand how anyone reading this would think I’m a totally stupid and a naive person.  I don’t blame you.  Looking back I can think of 2 dozen things that made no or not much sense.  It was an unbelievable story to begin with.  I think another reason why many of us bought into this guy’s story is that we didn’t think a person would actually take so much time and effort to fabricate a fraudulent story for months and dedicate so much energy deceiving others on WordPress.  It was a full time job for him to make up stories, read blogs and to comment on them as well.  He told a tale of an ex-military soldier, aspiring writer, fugitive that wanted nothing from blogging but just a way to vent and reach out.  In reality he’s just a bottom of the barrel person from a 3rd world country that can’t get any attention with his writing without being a fraud.  He talks about how ashamed he feels for his father about how he turned out.  I’m sure your father is proud of you now.  The worst kind of person is one who takes away from the world, leaving it a shittier place than if he wasn’t born at all.

The $250 doesn’t affect me much. The thought of what I could have done with it instead crosses my mind.  Of course I think about what I could have purchased for myself but I also think about how I could have given it to someone who really needed it.  I could have given $25 to 10 homeless people.  $10 to 25 homeless people.  I could have even given it to someone who wasn’t even homeless!  Anything would have been better.

The only thing more amazing to me than getting scammed $250 is that I allowed the opportunity for it to happen.  This is not something I ever thought I would ever do.  Give money to someone that I don’t know in another country for a cause that I can’t even be sure is real?  At least when a bum off the street is bullshitting me for money, I can be pretty sure that he at least needs it.  It’s not like one of those stories you hear about someone getting scammed off a dating website or from ebay.  In those situations people are expecting something in return or their greed got the better of them.  I expected nothing.  I just wanted to help a guy out who I thought was in a real shit situation.  I guess this guy was part of my community at the time and I must have been in a spiritual mood.  I fucked up and my guess is that I won’t forget this ever.  Suspicions and a scar will always come to mind before doing anything charitable for a stranger again.  But then again I doubt there will be another situation as retarded as this so I shouldn’t be so jaded.  I’ll take it as another life lesson.  I’m out $250 so the least I can do is get a story out of it.

 

I Didn’t Vote….Screw you

Yesterday was the provincial election here in BC and the voter turn out was shitty.  52% of people in this province did not vote.  The first conversation I had this morning was with a guy who got on my case for not voting.  My reasons?  I told him what does it matter?  Everyone complains about the government in power no matter what.  They promise all these things and don’t deliver or end up doing something shitty out of left field?  So I should vote for the lesser evil they say.  Which one is that and how do you know?

The real reason is though..I don’t care enough.  Not that I don’t care about this country and its people but there’s no issues they are raising to inspire me enough to vote.  And what if there is, it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.  There’s nothing any government is promising that is going to change my life.  If 52% of people did not vote they must have not been very inspired.  People aren’t going to vote just so they can be like these other self righteous fuckers who vote just to say they did and that they fulfilled their civic duty.  They think they’re better citizens of this country cause they vote.  Cause they are taking part in this system that is the backbone of democracy.  “You want it to be like the Middle East?”  Of course not but that’s not the issue.  If it was I would vote.  I guess some people are trying to convince everyone that if they voted it would somehow make this country and our lives better.  Not seeing how that would be the case.

Maybe there are some reasons from a political party that I’m behind but obviously it’s not big enough for me to care.  Anything I care about is not going to change.  Bring in a 32 hour week and you have my vote.  That statement, “you’ve got my vote”…  you have to change issues that people care enough to get their vote.  All they are doing is offering a different trim on an automobile to get you to buy a new car.  “What?  You don’t think this or that is important?”  I guess not or maybe I think none of us really know for sure what’s good or bad when it comes to economics and other issues.

This self righteous 4 letter word of a person was giving me a hard time at the end of the day.  “52% of people didn’t vote cause they’re this and that and this.”  She’s pretty much calling me derogatory names to my face.  People think they are so fucking great cause they stand behind some age old idea that might have meant something before.   What the hell is democracy anyway?  The right to vote for 1 of a few governments that will suck?  She goes on to say, “if you can find one reason to vote for a party than you should.”  I can find 1 reason to do anything doesn’t meant I have to or should do it.  I can find 1 reason to punch you in the face.  I can find 1 reason to shoot heroin tonight.  I can find 1 reason to shoot my neighbor.  I can find 1 reason to run around in my underwear at a near by school at 3pm.  Maybe I don’t want to vote cause I’m afraid I’ll end up shooting myself in the foot.

It’s common courtesy to not push your religious beliefs on others but everything else is fair game apparently.  You know how all this started?  I decided to talk to a person.  I’m am going to retire from saying anything to anyone except, yes, no, maybe, uh huh, hehehe, oh, ok, you are right.  That’s how I’ve gotten by these last few years at work.. being a quiet, mind your own business kind of guy and it’s worked.  I never had to drag any shit with me.

“If you don’t vote, you can’t complain.”  Whatever.  Like complaining would get me anything anyway.

Stuff around my home

Pretty bored these past couple of days and I don’t got much drive to do anything.  Freaking sounds like depression.  I really don’t think I’m depressed though.  I just don’t believe in anything.  Denial? I think the list of symptoms of depression are long enough that everyone has 1 or 2.  The ones that got me thinking about it recently are loss of interest for usual activities and withdrawing from friends and family.  Isn’t it possible to just become tired of your usual activities, friends and family?  I never really liked what I usually did for “fun”, I just did it cause I thought I was suppose to.  The same goes for friends and family.  Maybe I’m not happy but at least I’m not lying to myself anymore and there’s some peace to that.

This was suppose to be a post about stuff around my home wasn’t it.  Let me get back to that.

 

This is a plant that has been deceased for 3 years.  Someone gave it to me but I couldn’t keep it alive.  It was just too demanding.  I promised never to love again until I was ready.

plantdead

 

This is my new plant.  I found it at the supermarket and the label said it didn’t need much light or water.  I was like holy shit, I can do this.  A year later we’re still together.  This thing goes weeks without water and I keep it inside where there’s not much light.  I wonder sometimes if it’s even real.

The ceramic Indian inspired elephant was something I got off Craigslist.  I love these things.  There’s nicer ones but I don’t know where to go to get them.  $50 for 2 of these.  He stays outside and guards my front door.

plant

 

 

This is my weed grinder.  I hardly ever even smoke weed but this thing is so cool.  It’s suppose to be a decent quality one too.  I figure I could keep this for life anyway even though I’ll probably lose it one day.   The operation of it is really smooth.

grinder2

 

This is the grinder taken apart.  It has 4 pieces to it.  The weed gets grinded and the finest particles go to the bottom.

grinder1

This is my radio I turn on every morning while I’m getting ready for work.  I listen to news, weather and traffic.  I don’t really need to listen to traffic cause work is only 5 minutes away but it makes me feel good to hear all those suckers are stuck somewhere in a highly congested route.  I don’t mean it, they’re not really suckers but it still feels good.  I get a little joy from other peoples misery, so what?  Not like I can do anything about the traffic.   I bought the radio from a flea market for like $50.  Ya I know, it looks like something you would have to pay someone to take away.  It’s made in like 1970 or 1980.  It’s not that easy to find a decent radio these days.  They’re starting to become extinct.

radio

This is my plant again closer to its actual living spot.  Behind it is my Buddha statue.  I bought this when I got all into Buddhism and spiritual stuff.  Got kind of boring.  Hahaha.  I’ve spent a lot of energy throughout my life looking for some kind of meaning or direction.  I even opened up to the Jehovah Witnesses and hardly anyone is ever that desperate.  They were so excited when I showed interest.  Now I can’t fully get them off my back.  They write down your address and give it to whoever is doing that route that day.  One day these 2 younger guys knocked on my door which is in the back of a house cause I rent.  I accused them of having my location on their list and they denied it.  They said, “no we don’t, we go to the back of houses all the time.”  I know they have a list cause when I see them walking around they’re looking at this piece of paper all the time.  This other time there was this older Jehovah Witness guy and he would come around during my lunch break.  He knew I was home cause my truck was parked outside.  I told him next time to come on a weekend.  So what does he do?  Next week he knocks on my door while on my lunch break again.  I didn’t answer and he never came back.  Hehehe.  When they found out where I worked they informed the Jehovah Witnesses at work and then they started bugging me.  I just act all grumpy when they start inviting me to things.

I like Buddhism better cause you’re not obligated to try very hard and they’re so forgiving.  Not sure what I will explore next.  Maybe crazyism.

 

buddha2

When you’re not feeling so great it’s good to get some exercise and fresh air.  The shitty thing is when you don’t feel so great you don’t feel like doing anything.  It’s like trying to get a job when you don’t have any work experience but every job asks for work experience.  The End!

All Blogs Come To An End?

I’ve been actively doing this WordPress thing for about a couple years now.  Perhaps my definition of active is not the same as other bloggers but I never gave it up for months at a time or even weeks for the most part.  What I’ve come to notice is that many bloggers sooner or later stop blogging.

Why do people quit?  I guess when it stops being new or fun or they weren’t getting the attention they hoped for.  Some people don’t only quit but delete their whole blog probably for some kind of privacy issue.  I’m a bit of a bitch.  I get sad not seeing people post anymore even if I only interacted with them a couple times.  I also get kind of sad when people who used to comment on my blog are no longer blogging or reading my blog.  Perhaps I’m sentimental.

Today a person I followed did a final post on how it was going to be her last.  Holy shit did I get emotional.  I wasn’t a long time follower of her blog but she had many followers and she was very dedicated with posting and replying to comments.  When you interact with bloggers they become part of your life, especially when you don’t have much of a life like myself.  Seeing bloggers leave the community feels like someone is leaving your life.

This makes me wonder if and when I will stop this blogging business.  I find it amazing that I’m still here after 170 posts of stuff that only generated a handful of real followers.  Following a person’s blog regularly is like following  a reality show.  The person you are following isn’t famous or anything but if you read enough about their life you want to keep following.  It’s like they have a file on your hard drive.  I thought the ideas of posts would have stopped by now but they haven’t.  I find that in order for me to have a new thought I have to get rid of an existing one and blogging about it does that.  Once it’s out I don’t think much about it anymore and I can move on.  It’s like therapy.

Perhaps this blogging thing is just something to tide you over until you get to your next destination.  It’s sad to see people come and go but I’m glad this blogging thing is here for people when they feel they need it.  I think when most of us start blogging we wish for massive amounts of readership but thinking about it makes me think it can be more trouble than it’s worth.  Responding to a shitload of comments and having to be more cautious about what you write can be grueling.  Sometimes I think too much about who might get offended from what I write that it makes me backspace and delete but I don’t think I should.  I should write whatever the heck I want cause that’s the whole idea of this blog.   If I rack my brain on who might get offended then I’m limiting my writing.

It’s been pretty rad meeting all of you and exchanging thoughts and stories.  This kind of sounds like a post I did when I got high on MDMA but I can assure you I’m fully sober even though it’s Saturday.  I’m being a woman right now.  If this blogging is just a temporary stop in my life I will never forget it or you.  I really hope all of you continue reading and continue blogging even if it’s only monthly.  Wouldn’t it be cool if 10 years from now we’re still blogging together or at least still reading each others blogs?  Guess we’ll see.  See you next time and I love you all.

 

 

 

Joe Rogan Podcast Clip on Life, Happiness and Unhappiness

When he talks about how it’s possible for someone to be happy if they find their path or passion in our extremely complicated society, I believe him.  But I think it’s so difficult to find it if at all and the bumps and bigger bumps in life can tear all that happiness down in a second.  We may not know about or have a passion but we usually have a better idea of some of the misery in our lives.  Eliminating misery may not bring you to happiness but it can definitely make you less miserable.  If I no longer had to work full time and money was not an issue, I would definitely feel a sense of relief.  I come home for lunch and I think to myself how it would be so much better if my shift was done now instead of 4 hours from now.  I wouldn’t really know if it would be better or for worse until it happened.  In theory it sounds better but who knows, maybe with that extra time I would just get myself into trouble.  I’d take that chance though.

I think the universe makes happiness especially difficult for the ones who do not conform well with society.  It wants us to work as one and if you don’t want to join then sit in the corner and be sad.  It doesn’t matter how retarded, silly, painful or short lived the trend is, if it’s what everyone is doing then you should feel the need to do it too.  It’s like part of our DNA.

We’re led to believe that we all have a passion in life and that we just have to find it.  It sounds odd cause how is it that we’re naturally born to have a passion for something in life where everything is man made and unnatural?

 

Is it possible Happiness does not exist?

I’ll admit I have believed in happiness for 98% of my life.  The last 6 months or less being the 2%.  My belief in happiness was similar to that of  someone who believes in Jesus.  You believe it exists but have never seen it and neither has anyone else you know of.  However, you’ve seen it in movies and people always preach that you can find it.  No matter how many years go by without real evidence you just keep on believing.

I’m not so sure anymore.  Well, I think I am sure.  I don’t think it exists.  Not the everlasting kind that we’re all looking for and for sure not for most of us.  Definitely there’s spurts of happiness here and there but that’s just the same as getting high or drunk.  We’re looking for one long semi euphoric rush that never meets a come down.

If you think about it, “happiness” is just a word to describe a feeling.  There was once a time that no such word existed.  Maybe the idea of being happy only existed when the word was invented.  Happiness could just be a fairy tale.

Telling someone happiness does not exist is like telling a 5 year old, Santa Claus doesn’t exist or a die hard Christian that Jesus does not exist.  They won’t believe it and won’t even entertain the idea.  Who wants to believe the one thing that everyone is striving for does not exist?

The way I see it is, happiness is like the dangling carrot.  We’re designed to desire it and chase it but not have it for very long if at all.  You may have heard before that we were all meant to be happy.  No we weren’t.  We were all meant to ensure the survival of our species and to continually figure out ways to enhance it.  Since when did anyone design anything for the sole purpose of someone else’s happiness?  The universe does not give a shit about your happiness.  It’s just a lure to get you to reproduce, continue eating and to search for a more comfortable habitat.

We want to believe in happiness because we spend so much of our lives not being happy and struggling for some kind of peace.  We want to think there is a light at the end of the tunnel that is worth fighting for.  Perhaps we’re not miserable but we’re not usually flying high and that’s where we’d rather be.  That’s why we snort, drink, rectally induce and swallow.  But that’s not real happiness, right?  It’s as real as any other happiness..short and depressing after.

Why is it happiness is different for everyone and everywhere?  Howcome it’s not like 2 + 2 = 4?  You see  some of these 3rd world inhabitants on TV saying how happy they are even though they work so hard for barely enough to eat and they sleep on dirt.  Are they telling the truth? Were they just having a good day?  I don’t know.  Possibly they feel happy because they get the high feeling more easily.  Daddy brings home an apple for 4 of them to share and they go bonkers.

The whole happiness idea is more of a developed nation thing.  When it’s so easy to survive we get bored and then we get unhappy because there’s so much time on our hands.  If surviving is so easy then what?  How about finding happiness!

Happiness is this memory and dream that we chase.  Our monkey brains are designed to go after these things that we think will make us happy.  When you think back on the times you were happy, you want to go back to those times.  You want to recreate them for your future.  You watch movies and see these people so damn happy and you’re convinced if you lived a life closer to theirs you would be happy too.

I think the happiness that people chase comes in the form of envy and acceptance.  You try to be the best you can be in your community.  Trying to be happy is really just trying to enhance your community and yourself.  The feeling of envy and admiration from your community is the happiness people are chasing.  I don’t think you can be “happy” by doing nothing.

The most unhappiest thing one can do is chase something that doesn’t exist and fail miserably.  Believing that there is possibly no such thing as happiness provides me with a sense of relief.  Screw you nature, I’m not falling for your dirty trick any longer.  I must sound like such a miserable SOB.  Hahaha.

I do believe though there are some lucky ones out there that live a mostly happy life.  I sort of believe this because there’s people out there who are always depressed no matter what so isn’t it possible there’s some out there who are almost always happy?  Like a lean mean serotonin machine? Who knows.  The thing about happiness is that just like religion, science cannot disprove it.  As long as it cannot be disproven people will always believe in it.

Although I don’t really believe in happiness like I did before, I will welcome it anytime and entertain the possibility because I can’t help myself.  Just like when powdered, pilled or liquid happiness comes around, I just say yes.

Just wanted to say that I don’t rectally induce anything but if you do it is ok.  It gets to the bloodstream faster that way.