For some strange reason I’ve been feeling more at peace this week. Sounds kind of gay but I’m being honest. My brain has not been creating tsunami like thoughts that continuously flood my head with havoc. Of course I have to try and think of why this is. I’ve semi-concluded the reason is because I’ve recently made a conscious decision to cut ties with a certain part of my life that has usually brought me down. It’s weird. For the past little while my actions have mostly shown this realization but mentally I did not finalize this. I’m no longer giving in to any more cultural beliefs when I don’t want to. Screw everyone and their weddings, birthdays, kid birthdays, baby showers, big gatherings or even a one on one lunch outing with someone I have no desire to converse with which is almost everyone I know. It’s really difficult to reject invites some of the time. They can come at a time when I’m feeling positive or bored and against better judgement I give in. I never really enjoy myself at the end. I feel like a pawn being controlled by wishful thinking and passiveness.
There’s this 62 year old I’m in contact with who has agoraphobia. Agoraphobia is a condition that causes a person so much anxiety in regards to being in outdoors or public places. That’s the simple definition anyway. He’s pretty much been all alone since his son died 2 years ago. His son was pretty much his everything. He has an ex-wife, daughter and 2 sisters but most of the time they’re not part of his regular life especially his ex-wife. I started talking to him 2 years ago and it’s been so rough for him. He can never work for very long and ends up staying home for months often bed ridden for weeks. He tells me when he’s bed ridden how he hoped he would die and not have to deal with life. That’s the shitty thing about the Western culture sometimes. It’s ok for everyone to just live their own life and not have any guilt about having some family member just miserably fade away. I’d understand if they all hated each other but they all like each other. It seems like the idea can be that everyone is responsible for taking care of themselves even when life throws them a big shitball. I feel sorry for the guy.
Recently though he’s been feeling a lot better. He’s going back to work after more than a few months of being off with depression and anxiety. I asked him if he had any idea what made him feel better. He responded by saying something about how he had come to a better understanding of his agoraphobic condition. He came to realize there were other factors that caused his agoraphobia. Just knowing that much gave him his life back when nothing else could. He no longer feels so helpless and confused.
I think in life we have to arrive closer to the truth in order to find some kind of peace. Sometimes to arrive at a realization closer to truthfulness it’s by fluke and other times we have to make a decision. Once the realization is made we’re no longer caught in the entanglement of confusion. So often we just sit idle cause we’re not sure which direction to take so we do nothing or keep jumping around all over the compass but only in familiar territory. It’s not easy and it’s a slow process.
This state of mind that I’m in right now kind of made me think that getting rid of misery is a big key to life. We’re always searching for the highs in life to enrich our lives but I think eliminating misery in your life might be the key. It’s like a disease free life. This peacefulness might not last but at least it’s a vacation. It’s not Hawaii or Cuba but still a break from the cold.