Knowing is half the battle

For some strange reason I’ve been feeling more at peace this week.  Sounds kind of gay but I’m being honest.  My brain has not been creating tsunami like thoughts that continuously flood my head with havoc.  Of course I have to try and think of why this is.  I’ve semi-concluded the reason is because I’ve recently made a conscious decision to cut ties with a certain part of my life that has usually brought me down.  It’s weird.  For the past little while my actions have mostly shown this realization but mentally I did not finalize this.  I’m no longer giving in to any more cultural beliefs when I don’t want to.  Screw everyone and their weddings, birthdays, kid birthdays, baby showers, big gatherings or even a one on one lunch outing with someone I have no desire to converse with which is almost everyone I know.   It’s really difficult to reject invites some of the time.  They can come at a time when I’m feeling positive or bored and against better judgement I give in.  I never really enjoy myself at the end.  I feel like a pawn being controlled by wishful thinking and passiveness.

There’s this 62 year old I’m in contact with who has agoraphobia.   Agoraphobia is a condition that causes a person so much anxiety in regards to being in outdoors or public places.  That’s the simple definition anyway.  He’s pretty much been all alone since his son died 2 years ago.  His son was pretty much his everything.  He has an ex-wife, daughter and 2 sisters but most of the time they’re not part of his regular life especially his ex-wife.  I started talking to him 2 years ago and it’s been so rough for him.  He can never work for very long and ends up staying home for months often bed ridden for weeks.  He tells me when he’s bed ridden how he hoped he would die and not have to deal with life.  That’s the shitty thing about the Western culture sometimes.  It’s ok for everyone to just live their own life and not have any guilt about having some family member just miserably fade away.  I’d understand if they all hated each other but they all like each other.  It seems like the idea can be that everyone is responsible for taking care of themselves even when life throws them a big shitball.  I feel sorry for the guy.

Recently though he’s been feeling a lot better.  He’s going back to work after more than a few months of being off with depression and anxiety.  I asked him if he had any idea what made him feel better.  He responded by saying something about how he had come to a better understanding of his agoraphobic condition.  He came to realize there were other factors that caused his agoraphobia.  Just knowing that much gave him his life back when nothing else could.  He no longer feels so helpless and confused.

I think in life we have to arrive closer to the truth in order to find some kind of peace.  Sometimes to arrive at a realization closer to truthfulness it’s by fluke and other times we have to make a decision.  Once the realization is made we’re no longer caught in the entanglement of confusion.  So often we just sit idle cause we’re not sure which direction to take so we do nothing or keep jumping around all over the compass but only in familiar territory.  It’s not easy and it’s a slow process.

This state of mind that I’m in right now kind of made me think that getting rid of misery is a big key to life.  We’re always searching for the highs in life to enrich our lives but I think eliminating misery in your life might be the key.  It’s like a disease free life.  This peacefulness might not last but at least it’s a vacation.  It’s not Hawaii or Cuba but still a break from the cold.

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6 comments on “Knowing is half the battle

  1. kalyrical says:

    Hi! I’ve nominated you for a Sunshine Award as one of my favourite bloggers. (You can read about it here: http://sittingatthecrossroads.wordpress.com/2013/03/28/my-first-award-what-do-i-do/) Keep it up!

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  2. This is kind of different from some of your older posts. You’ve talked about how for a lot of people life is just a continuing cycle of climbing out of shit holes, then once out, finding yourself in a new one and fighting to get out of it. It’s a messed up cycle that somehow keeps people motivated. It’s life distorted, a perversion of false, temporary contentment. I don’t know if there could ever be an end to being miserable, unless you’re completely self-absorbed and don’t give a shit about anything else. I probably wouldn’t be happy no matter what good fortune struck me. But I wouldn’t pass up being at least distracted.

    So I don’t know what the truth is. People used to say to me (back when I actually talked to people ha ha) ‘you can’t save the world ya know!’ Duh, no shit.

    I hear ya about not attending social events you don’t care about. Would you believe I’ve never been to baby shower, and only a few weddings. The weddings were awful. People get crazy about being the center of attention. Then they usually get divorced a few years later, after they have the baby and hate each other. I used to get pressured into going to in-laws on holidays, etc. Never again! Keep trying to find quality not quantity. It’s really good that you have this blog. Too bad all your likers don’t have much to say though.

    Well I’m glad you’re on a ‘vacation’ and I hope it lasts.

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    • MrJohnson says:

      Shit i reread this post and saw that i used the word “pond” when i meant “pawn.” Hahaha

      I think the way i am feeling right now is coming from being able to let go. I’ve managed to dig myself out of a mental shithole. It’s not a high but just some sort of middle path. The opposite of peace is war, fighting or some kind of wrestling and i haven’t been having any battles in my head this week. Will it last?Doubt it so i am just rolling with it. No matter what though it’s worth examining. I guess i am just taking a rest from digging.

      Any time you can get one step furthur away from misery is a good thing. I’m sure this feeling i have is fragile so my hopes are not kept high. I know this cause i had this same feeling like a year ago. Last time was when i realized i was mostly set free from my group of friends and i started reading all this buddhist stuff. This time i think it is because i have decided to burn more of the bridge. Or maybe it is from the grass fed beef i am eating haha. Who knows.

      I don’t really believe in everlasting happiness but i don’t know if i believe in everlasting misery either. I definitely don’t want to anyway. I’m know it happens though. Some of my relatives have lived pretty miserable lives and it was never about their survival being in question.

      Weddings , baby showers and all the rest are just money grabs. I suppose proponents of these gatherings would say it is about celebration and support. Not buying it. Oh ya house warmings? What the hell is that. Turn up the furnace and it will be plenty warm.

      I just assume they are all fake likers unless if i have reason to believe otherwise.
      Definitely looking for quality these days. Just seems like everyone is made in china. Quality with a capital k. Hahaha

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  3. Kristin :) says:

    Since your friend is feeling better from knowing more about his condition………and you’re feeling more at peace with yourself this week, what have you done differently this week?? Haha I’m just curious 😛 And in response to your response up there, I LOVE weddings! But I only attend the ones that mean a lot to me, for the people who mean a lot to me. 🙂

    Hope you’re doing well!

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    • MrJohnson says:

      Hey there! Since feeling more at peace i have done nothing different except i have been able to enjoy everything more or hate everything less. Even the work week goes by faster. It was dragging for a while.

      What got me to this state of mind was when i decided to cut the ball and chain from my brain. Carrying a weight around all the time when you’re getting nothing out of it is disempowering. I guess you can call it letting go or not giving a shit anymore. I can go on forever but my lunch break is ending.

      I hate weddings. Hahaha. I have been best man, groom’s man and it makes you hate it more. I’d rather be the Worst Man and sit at a table in the back and drink. But you are a woman so weddings might seem all special. Not trying to sound like a jerk. Hahaha.

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      • Kristin :) says:

        Hahahaha allll good! I feel that a lotta men tend to dislike weddings, so no offense taken. 😛

        Glad you can cut that chain, most people are unable to! And yes, lunch breaks are wayyy too short 😥

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