It’s supposedly the worst thing that could ever happen.  We’re programmed to fear and stay away from death as much as possible   The idea seems to be the longer you live the more value your life had.  It’s like something to brag about.  Whenever you hear about someone living well into their 80’s and 90’s it’s always thought of as something great.  When you hear about someone who dies at like 40, you feel sorry for that person.

Most people don’t want to die cause they think about all the good things that will or might happen to them in the future.  They think about all the experiences and witnessing of great moments for them and the people around them.  I told my friend’s wife last time, “I don’t really care if I die.”  As expected she thought I was crazy.  It sounds suicidal but it’s not.  I don’t want to kill myself, I just don’ t think it’s a big deal if I’m alive.  Well, I know it’s not a big deal if I live or not.  She’s like, “don’t you want to be around for the happy moments in the future?”  If I’m dead, I don’t think I will want, think or feel anything.  I’ll be dead.  As far as I know anyway.

We’re all going to die.  You can’t deny this.  What difference does it make if you go at 40 rather than 90?  It’s only sad for the people who are alive when someone dies unexpectedly or at a young age.  We imagine ourselves dead and our ego tells us how sad it would be and how everyone would cry and miss us.  We think about how it would suck to miss out on everything and how you would feel like a failure for dying before most people.  The ego does not like failure.    Your life will not leave the legacy you think it will.  You’ll probably be just another John Smith.  There’s so many people who have died who have done great things for the world but they’re forgotten for the most part.  Ya their names and pictures might be in books but no one is thinking or talking about them very often.

Death is a very rare thing for most of us to witness.  How many of us have ever seen anyone actually die in real time right in front of their eyes?  We see old people whither away slowly but we never see the gruesome deaths that can occur.  In the natural world death was a regular occurrence.  People around you would die all the time.  Death would be no big deal.  I think in that type of world, death was just a side effect from living except you couldn’t really discontinue use if it occurred.  Everyday you had to take that pill to live.

I’ve been watching this DVD series from BBC Earth called, “Human Planet.”  It’s about all these different groups of people from more primitive like areas that risk their lives everyday just to eat and feed their community.  There’s no fearing death where they are.  To them there’s no life without possible death.

Our whole mindset is to live as long as possible and the longer we live the more we feel that we succeeded.  It really stops us from embracing life.  We think about how our decisions today will affect us 30 years from now.  That’s not living life to the fullest.  We have this fear that if we don’t travel on the side of security we might end up starving, out on the street and dying when we’re older.  That just might be true but we weren’t naturally suppose to be able to think that far ahead.   We know too much to really try to enjoy life to the fullest.  Information is great but at times it can be shitty when we know too much.  Thoughts and fears play in our heads.

I don’t think we were meant to strive to live a long and half or full torturous life.  We were suppose to give it our all in hopes to push innovation and inspiration.  Our safe and informative environment has tamed our wild hearts that present fear instead of ambition.   In the beginning we would see everyone face death regularly and we would follow.  Today we grow up seeing people live long shitty to mediocre lives and we follow.  Our inspiration is to plan out a life to live as long and safe as possible.

When I say that I don’t care if I die, I could just be talking shit.  I definitely don’t care as much as before though.  It’s kind of sad, I know.  Don’t get me wrong, if a cougar pounced on me I’d fight for my life and obviously lose but I wouldn’t just lay there and thank it for mauling me.  Maybe that’s it.  It’s too easy and nothing to fight for.  We need to be faced with death or uncertainty constantly to able to laugh at it.  Makes me want to throw myself in the ocean cause right now I’m living a life of fear.  I think we’re more scared of the death of our superficial life than anything.  The death of our reputation and appearance is more thought of than actual physical death.  I don’t think many of us are scared of our physical death cause we have no reason to be but we think about our death to society all the time though.  The image that we have to feed and maintain in order to feel like we’re living.  The ego that we have to sustain to want to make us keep believing that we’re important.  I’m pretty tired now.   I’m sure I’ve rambled and might not have made all that much sense at times.  Final words.  I would rather choose to live than die because death is way too big of a commitment.



I like Debbie

I have all these ideas about life to write about but I’m too buzzed to write about them in a coherent manner so here is some 80’s pop culture for you.   Debbie Gibson was this massively famous pop music icon in the 80’s.  Tiffany ain’t got shit on Debbie Gibson.  Unlike the super famous female pop performers of modern times, Debbie Gibson was and is pretty damn talented.   She’s the youngest female to write, produce and preform a #1 single.  She still holds that title.  I haven’t read this anywhere but I think she inspired the character Blossom from the 90’s sitcom of the same name.  Nose and the hat?  Hahaha, there’s nothing gayer than a guy loving Debbie Gibson, except a guy who loves Cher.


I really like this song

At the end of a work day a few months ago there was this coworker who started singing this.  I knew the song but hadn’t heard it in a while.  I came home and youtubed it and I’m still listening to it pretty regularly.  For a while I was listening to it like all the time. I don’t know.  I find it to be one of those songs that really stood the test of time.  The lyrics, her voice the music.  It’s really pleasant and classy.  I think it’s going to be one of my favourites for life.  No promises though cause nothing is usually for life except life in prison without the possibility of parole.


Caffeine is Cocaine!

Caffeine should be in the same class as cocaine!!! It was around 10am on Monday and I was looking for stimulation while working.  One of the benefits of being on the road all the time is that you can stop off at places and buy stuff.  I bought a medium sized Americano with no sugar added.  All I wanted was a slight jolt.  Holy shit, in about half an hour it was so obvious to me I was high.  I mean high like when you do illegal drugs or prescription drugs.

I didn’t feel safe.  Kind of paranoid.  I really felt kind of dangerous being on the road.  It was like paranoia and anxiety.  You know that feeling you got when  you were a kid walking somewhere and a group of loud and aggressive kids were walking behind you?  You just knew they were talking about you and it made your adrenaline pump?  That feeling! Interactions with customers felt so weird.  I was all smiley and something was totally not the same.

This shit lasted for 2 hours.  It was only after the 3rd or 4th hour that I started to calm down.  I think what I felt in the 3rd and 4th hour is how most people feel when they drink coffee.  Never again on a working day!  Screw buying illegal drugs, I’m just going to drink coffee to get high.  I felt like Beavis from Beavis and Butthead when he turned into Cornholio.

This caffeine stuff is like junk food and prescription drugs.  It’s not frowned upon to use them cause it’s legal and everyone uses them.  I bet if I crushed a coffee bean into a powder like substance and snorted it up my nose it would make me go nuts.  Caffeine is a psychoactive drug like cocaine and all those other illegal drugs that make you go “whoooooooo!”

From Wikipedia – “Caffeine is the world’s most widely consumed psychoactive substance, but unlike many others, it is legal and unregulated in nearly all jurisdictions. In North America, 90% of adults consume caffeine daily.”

It got me thinking about how addicted people are to coffee.  They will go out of their way during morning rush hour, every morning, line up, pay money, just so they can get their fix.  It’s just like going into a crack house to get crack.  Starbucks is like a crack house.  The mugs that they sell are like crack pipes.  Just another way to transfer the goods into your soul.  “I need my coffee.  I’m grumpy without my coffee uggghhhh.”  Junkie!!!!!  My mom’s a junkie.  My grandma is a 79 year old junkie!  They are all junkies!

You coffee junkies.  I’m on to you now.  Disguising your drug habit as a hot beverage and never admitting you’re high.

Substance Saturday

I’m high right now.  You are reading a blog post from someone who is under the influence of MDMA(-methylenedioxy-N-methamphetamine).  Wow,  that’s a long and confusing term.   I started the day with 3 medium boiled eggs and a banana and followed that with 3 sets of dumbbell squats.  Refueled by a banana, pineapple and hemp protein powder smoothie.  An hour later a grande Starbucks Americano with a glazed apple fritter.  Sitting in my car listening to the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast the caffeine kicked in and I felt a sense of well being.   I didn’t know caffeine could do that to you.  I’m not a regular coffee drinker at all.  I recently started the habit cause I discovered how well black coffee goes with reeses peanut buttercups.  Best combo since discovering red wine with dinner.  Caffeine fucks me up though.

8pm.  The red wine flows.  I’m buzzed and potato chips goes so well with alcohol.  Crunch crunch.  The worst decisions are often made when consuming alcohol.  I have some MDMA in my drawer.  I can’t help myself cause I’m dying for stimulation.  I read about insufflating MDMA(apparently insufflating is not a word on wordpress).  I’ve never tried it cause I’ve read that it hurts and its effects aren’t as good as if you were to take MDMA orally.  I’m curious though and give it a shot.  Fuck, it hurts.

I’m not high right away so I decide to take some orally as well.  I pop in The Bourne Supremacy and I’m rather impressed by the stunning 1080p Blu-ray images.  The obvious deliberate advertisements of brands is very apparent.   Arcteryx, Samsung are as obvious as the shitload of tv shows and movies that display the illuminated Apple logo everytime they display a laptop.

I’m not even halfway through the movie when I can slowly feel the effects of the MDMA kicking in. My jaw starts clenching and I feel a sense of euphoria.  Euphoria is such a cool word.  I get this sensation to write a blog post so I feel as if I have to do it so here I am.  But before I do this I go out for a cigarette.  When you’re high on MDMA you really want a cigarette and it feels really good.  While I’m out there smoking my 500 chemicals some realizations come over me.  As much as the people I surrounded myself with over the years object to my thoughts and actions they are intrigued.  Intrigued but scared cause I’m a chink in their armour.  Hahahaha, I used the word chink. Hahahaha.   If someone calls a Chinese person a chink it’s cause they don’t know you and it’s the only thing different they can see from themselves.   Thank you for calling me something that I’ve known myself to be my whole entire life.  You might as well make fun of me for having 5 fingers on each hand.

The whole exctacy or MDMA study that it gives you holes in the brain is flawed.  It was government funded and has since been deemed a flawed study.  MDMA used to be legal until it became a street drug.  Once its popularity rose it was made illegal cause that’s just how the government does things.  Before it was made illegal it was used as as therapy for marriage counseling with successful outcomes.  More currently it has shown positive results for post traumatic stress disorder (ptsd).

Why do people do cocaine instead of MDMA.  Cocaine is a very short high and you can do it and most people won’t even think you’re high.  You can’t do MDMA on a daily basis and have it go unnoticed.  Also, if you do this shit too much it will fuck you up.

Anyone reading this who had never experimented with drugs must think I’m a fucking retard.  I don’t blame you.  I would have thought the same thing before I ever touched any of this stuff.  Drugs are everywhere though.  It’s in your food and tap water disguised with the name cleaner, preservative or flavour enhancer.  A Mcdonald’s hamburger that doesn’t mold or smell after 6 months?  Think about it.

MDMA is usually done at parties and it makes you love everyone.  It’s the strangest thing.  You’ll hear about the horrible comedown and the dreaded next morning doom and gloom but I’ve figured it out that a lot of it has to do with other factors.  Typically a drug like this is done in the later hours of the night which keeps you up until the early morning hours.  You feel like shit and blame it on the drug but you disregard the fact that you stayed up way past your bedtime and now your sleeping schedule is whacked.  By chance there was this one time when I induced a MDMA high at 7pm and the next morning I was ok for the most part.  If you stayed up 10 hours past your regular sleep time you would feel like shit with or without any drugs.

I love you all out there.   Thanks for being part of my life.    My blog is weird but I couldn’t blog if it wasn’t in my heart.  When I first started this I looked at all the Freshly Pressed blogs and thought about how cool it would be to be Freshly Pressed.  I also knew I would never be Freshly  Pressed.   If you can’t be honest on the internet when can you be honest?  Plus I don’t have a lot of pictures, positivity or an overall theme.  I don’t have a lot of genuine real followers but I value to death the ones that consistently follow me.  My dashboard tells me I have like 90 followers but I know most of them followed me solely to get exposure to their blog.  Quite of few others read a post and enjoyed it but never came back.  Only a handful actually read my blog.  A few out of 90.  What a fake ass world.  There’s blogs that I follow that are complete opposites of mine but I follow them cause you let me into your lives.  Thank you.   I sort of feel sorry for the ones that followed me cause I did a post they “liked”  but are probably disgusted with the all my other posts.  Just realize everyone is different.   I still love you anyway.  Holy fuck can you tell that I’m high!

We’re really all chasing highs.  Climbing Mount Everest, promotions, fitting in, junk food.  They’re all highs.  Who the hell wants to feel low?  Chasing highs is what brought us to the civilization we live in now.  Imagination is what brought us to the reality we live in today.  Don’t suppress your independent spirit and imagination cause what was super freaking crazy just 20 years ago is an everyday reality today.  Internet, touch screens, long distance calls?  Someone had to of imagined it for it to happen.

I’m rambling cause I’m high but thank you for listening and an extra thank you if you made it this far into this post.  Am I done?  Hmmmmm.. let me think.  I don’t know.  I feel like I can type forever just like how I can dance forever when I’m high.  I’m dancing with my fingers and connecting.  Nope not done.

We were raised to stifle our imagination and to just follow the status quo.   It worked.  To keep this machine going there has to be order, control and fear.  How do you keep people in order?  Convince them that being a sheep will make you happy, fear nonconformity and absolutely give them something to lose.

We’re only starting to realize this system that we follow is not going to work for the long run.   Resources and the infinite growth of publicly traded corporations cannot last.   I believe this is why the financial meltdown happened.  The powers that be knew they milked it for everything it had and did one final scheme.  To date no one from Wall Street is sitting in jail for screwing over the whole world.  Really?  You were already so fucking rich but you just couldn’t help yourself?  Fucking sociopaths.  What the hell are you going to do with the millions you scammed on top of the millions you already have?  Publicly traded corporations run this world.  Not the President of the United States or anyone else.  But for a Publicly traded corporation to thrive they have to keep their shareholders happy which means continuing profit quarter after quarter.   They’re realizing the maximum potential

Before, a company could just thrive on their founding product, coca cola, eBay, GE and all the rest but once you’ve maximized your market you have to find other ways to profit.  This is why all these huge companies merged and bought out so many others.   Every car company owns another car company.  Once you’ve squeezed everything you can out of your product you go down the line and squeeze the people.  Destroy the system and build it back up again.

What do I make of all this?  I don’t know except this world is going to be really fucked up in the future or there has to be a complete makeover.   But to have a complete makeover there usually has to be chaos.  Or some kind of revolution.  A revolution will never take place until the people know they have nothing to lose.  We’re far from that and they know that.   As long as we’re sitting in our heated homes, cars, new gadgets and comfortable lifestyle we will never take a stand.  It has to be like Libya before anything happens.  We’re pussies.

Holy fuck did I ramble or what.  10 years ago I had a semi blog.  It was kind of like a Doogie Howser blog where he wrote a few lines at the end of the show.   People thought I was crazy then.  They must think I’m an insane individual now.  Although, some people respected that blog.  When I say some almost no one.   I’ve never stuck with anything in my life except this blog.  I’m 150 something posts in.  I couldn’t even commit to a fish tank all my life.  But this writing stuff keeps me going.   I enjoy it.  I must.  I can’t ever see myself quitting although I am high right now so everything seems optimistic.   Should I sign off now?  I should get back to my movie maybe.  Shit, this was a lot of fun.  No wonder that Hunter S Thompson guy loved writing. He was always high.  Fuck, no more alcohol.  When you’re high on certain  drugs you can drink like a fish even when you have shitty Chinese alcohol tolerance like me.

I was reading this alternative magazine today and it was saying happiness is such bullshit.  Permanent happiness anyway.  We were never meant to be happy for that long.  That would hinder evolution and that’s a no no.  If you were content you would never try harder.  Your monkey brain tells you that you have to at least conform.  To the one that told me happiness is just a word like “awesome” and “utilize”, you might be right.  Happiness might just be an ideal.   And “freedom” too.  To DA(not district attorney), some of the things you wrote to me semi made sense to me at first but as time goes on your words become more true.  Thank you for finding me cause I would have never found you.  It still baffles me that you’re a fan of my blog.  I read your blog and you come across as one of those super intelligent people who would see me as some kind of retard.  But you don’t and it makes me feel good.   I can’t even believe I write things that hit home with you.  Seriously.  You use all these big words that are foreign to me and you have ideas that can be way over my head.  Thank you.  I’ll never forget you.  Are you crying?  Hope not.  *Cyber hug.

Holy shit I’m high.   Hahahaha.  Really, I just laughed.  I’m not a fake hahahah or lol’er.  I’m just this 33 year old who seems to have a mentality of a person much older.  I shouldn’t be thinking the things I do or living a life I do.   I ditched all my friends.  I had a lot of friends.  I have almost no one now.   I’m probably only a few postal codes from disappearing all together.  I’m not giving up on life though.  I’m still going to get out there.  Once you stop smiling it’s over.   Let’s keep smiling even if everyone looks at us with frowns.  You are the creator of your life but if you follow everyone else you’re just a slave.  This is what my high mind tells me.  I’m out of wine…nooooooooooo!

Well, it’s been nice.  I hope you made it this far.  C’mon how often are you going to read a blog post from someone who is admittedly high on a a Schedule 1 drug.  I know lots of people who get high but I don’t know anyone who blogs.  I think this post is monumental.  Thanks for reading.  Good luck out there.