Knowing is half the battle

For some strange reason I’ve been feeling more at peace this week.  Sounds kind of gay but I’m being honest.  My brain has not been creating tsunami like thoughts that continuously flood my head with havoc.  Of course I have to try and think of why this is.  I’ve semi-concluded the reason is because I’ve recently made a conscious decision to cut ties with a certain part of my life that has usually brought me down.  It’s weird.  For the past little while my actions have mostly shown this realization but mentally I did not finalize this.  I’m no longer giving in to any more cultural beliefs when I don’t want to.  Screw everyone and their weddings, birthdays, kid birthdays, baby showers, big gatherings or even a one on one lunch outing with someone I have no desire to converse with which is almost everyone I know.   It’s really difficult to reject invites some of the time.  They can come at a time when I’m feeling positive or bored and against better judgement I give in.  I never really enjoy myself at the end.  I feel like a pawn being controlled by wishful thinking and passiveness.

There’s this 62 year old I’m in contact with who has agoraphobia.   Agoraphobia is a condition that causes a person so much anxiety in regards to being in outdoors or public places.  That’s the simple definition anyway.  He’s pretty much been all alone since his son died 2 years ago.  His son was pretty much his everything.  He has an ex-wife, daughter and 2 sisters but most of the time they’re not part of his regular life especially his ex-wife.  I started talking to him 2 years ago and it’s been so rough for him.  He can never work for very long and ends up staying home for months often bed ridden for weeks.  He tells me when he’s bed ridden how he hoped he would die and not have to deal with life.  That’s the shitty thing about the Western culture sometimes.  It’s ok for everyone to just live their own life and not have any guilt about having some family member just miserably fade away.  I’d understand if they all hated each other but they all like each other.  It seems like the idea can be that everyone is responsible for taking care of themselves even when life throws them a big shitball.  I feel sorry for the guy.

Recently though he’s been feeling a lot better.  He’s going back to work after more than a few months of being off with depression and anxiety.  I asked him if he had any idea what made him feel better.  He responded by saying something about how he had come to a better understanding of his agoraphobic condition.  He came to realize there were other factors that caused his agoraphobia.  Just knowing that much gave him his life back when nothing else could.  He no longer feels so helpless and confused.

I think in life we have to arrive closer to the truth in order to find some kind of peace.  Sometimes to arrive at a realization closer to truthfulness it’s by fluke and other times we have to make a decision.  Once the realization is made we’re no longer caught in the entanglement of confusion.  So often we just sit idle cause we’re not sure which direction to take so we do nothing or keep jumping around all over the compass but only in familiar territory.  It’s not easy and it’s a slow process.

This state of mind that I’m in right now kind of made me think that getting rid of misery is a big key to life.  We’re always searching for the highs in life to enrich our lives but I think eliminating misery in your life might be the key.  It’s like a disease free life.  This peacefulness might not last but at least it’s a vacation.  It’s not Hawaii or Cuba but still a break from the cold.



It’s supposedly the worst thing that could ever happen.  We’re programmed to fear and stay away from death as much as possible   The idea seems to be the longer you live the more value your life had.  It’s like something to brag about.  Whenever you hear about someone living well into their 80’s and 90’s it’s always thought of as something great.  When you hear about someone who dies at like 40, you feel sorry for that person.

Most people don’t want to die cause they think about all the good things that will or might happen to them in the future.  They think about all the experiences and witnessing of great moments for them and the people around them.  I told my friend’s wife last time, “I don’t really care if I die.”  As expected she thought I was crazy.  It sounds suicidal but it’s not.  I don’t want to kill myself, I just don’ t think it’s a big deal if I’m alive.  Well, I know it’s not a big deal if I live or not.  She’s like, “don’t you want to be around for the happy moments in the future?”  If I’m dead, I don’t think I will want, think or feel anything.  I’ll be dead.  As far as I know anyway.

We’re all going to die.  You can’t deny this.  What difference does it make if you go at 40 rather than 90?  It’s only sad for the people who are alive when someone dies unexpectedly or at a young age.  We imagine ourselves dead and our ego tells us how sad it would be and how everyone would cry and miss us.  We think about how it would suck to miss out on everything and how you would feel like a failure for dying before most people.  The ego does not like failure.    Your life will not leave the legacy you think it will.  You’ll probably be just another John Smith.  There’s so many people who have died who have done great things for the world but they’re forgotten for the most part.  Ya their names and pictures might be in books but no one is thinking or talking about them very often.

Death is a very rare thing for most of us to witness.  How many of us have ever seen anyone actually die in real time right in front of their eyes?  We see old people whither away slowly but we never see the gruesome deaths that can occur.  In the natural world death was a regular occurrence.  People around you would die all the time.  Death would be no big deal.  I think in that type of world, death was just a side effect from living except you couldn’t really discontinue use if it occurred.  Everyday you had to take that pill to live.

I’ve been watching this DVD series from BBC Earth called, “Human Planet.”  It’s about all these different groups of people from more primitive like areas that risk their lives everyday just to eat and feed their community.  There’s no fearing death where they are.  To them there’s no life without possible death.

Our whole mindset is to live as long as possible and the longer we live the more we feel that we succeeded.  It really stops us from embracing life.  We think about how our decisions today will affect us 30 years from now.  That’s not living life to the fullest.  We have this fear that if we don’t travel on the side of security we might end up starving, out on the street and dying when we’re older.  That just might be true but we weren’t naturally suppose to be able to think that far ahead.   We know too much to really try to enjoy life to the fullest.  Information is great but at times it can be shitty when we know too much.  Thoughts and fears play in our heads.

I don’t think we were meant to strive to live a long and half or full torturous life.  We were suppose to give it our all in hopes to push innovation and inspiration.  Our safe and informative environment has tamed our wild hearts that present fear instead of ambition.   In the beginning we would see everyone face death regularly and we would follow.  Today we grow up seeing people live long shitty to mediocre lives and we follow.  Our inspiration is to plan out a life to live as long and safe as possible.

When I say that I don’t care if I die, I could just be talking shit.  I definitely don’t care as much as before though.  It’s kind of sad, I know.  Don’t get me wrong, if a cougar pounced on me I’d fight for my life and obviously lose but I wouldn’t just lay there and thank it for mauling me.  Maybe that’s it.  It’s too easy and nothing to fight for.  We need to be faced with death or uncertainty constantly to able to laugh at it.  Makes me want to throw myself in the ocean cause right now I’m living a life of fear.  I think we’re more scared of the death of our superficial life than anything.  The death of our reputation and appearance is more thought of than actual physical death.  I don’t think many of us are scared of our physical death cause we have no reason to be but we think about our death to society all the time though.  The image that we have to feed and maintain in order to feel like we’re living.  The ego that we have to sustain to want to make us keep believing that we’re important.  I’m pretty tired now.   I’m sure I’ve rambled and might not have made all that much sense at times.  Final words.  I would rather choose to live than die because death is way too big of a commitment.


I like Debbie

I have all these ideas about life to write about but I’m too buzzed to write about them in a coherent manner so here is some 80’s pop culture for you.   Debbie Gibson was this massively famous pop music icon in the 80’s.  Tiffany ain’t got shit on Debbie Gibson.  Unlike the super famous female pop performers of modern times, Debbie Gibson was and is pretty damn talented.   She’s the youngest female to write, produce and preform a #1 single.  She still holds that title.  I haven’t read this anywhere but I think she inspired the character Blossom from the 90’s sitcom of the same name.  Nose and the hat?  Hahaha, there’s nothing gayer than a guy loving Debbie Gibson, except a guy who loves Cher.


I really like this song

At the end of a work day a few months ago there was this coworker who started singing this.  I knew the song but hadn’t heard it in a while.  I came home and youtubed it and I’m still listening to it pretty regularly.  For a while I was listening to it like all the time. I don’t know.  I find it to be one of those songs that really stood the test of time.  The lyrics, her voice the music.  It’s really pleasant and classy.  I think it’s going to be one of my favourites for life.  No promises though cause nothing is usually for life except life in prison without the possibility of parole.


Diets are like religions

There’s so many diets out there and just like religions most of them are absolutely crazy and cannot be proven true or false.  We believe in diets for the same reason we believe in our religion.  It makes us feel good, promises a reward in the future, prevention of something horrifying happening to us in the future, structure in life, being part of something, having an identity.

If you follow any diet, they have strict rules and almost always have ideas that are similar to other diets but just slightly different.  Vegetarians don’t eat meat like vegans but vegans take it a step further and don’t eat anything with eyes or anything that came from anything that had eyes (eggs, dairy).  Some primitive diets believe in dairy others curse it.  Every diet has to be somewhat unique so they can separate themselves from the others to be able to start their own following.

All diets that believe in low carb are like all religions that believe in Jesus but they always have their differences.  All diets have their own unique name and their own bible.  Paleolithic Diets (caveman diets) and vegans are like religions that hate each other.  One stands firmly for the intake of meat and the other demonizes it.    No matter what though, their diet is the best.

People usually believe in their diet so strongly because it’s usually the diet that saved them from the shittiest diet in the world.  It’s like their rescuer.  The knight in shining armour.  “My hero.”  Of course a vegan diet is going to seem like the god of all diets when all you’ve been eating your whole life is crap.

The shittiest diet in the world is probably a typical Westerner’s diet.  The Don’t Give a Shit Diet.  A diet where the food you eat is made by the most evil people on the planet.  Tortured and drugged animals, pesticide covered fruits, packaged and processed foods.  Add drugs and alcohol and you’ll get The Satanic Diet.  Change your ways to a vegan diet and you’re born again.

Not following any religion is like not following any diet.  You do whatever you want or feel is right.  Doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or unhealthy.  You just don’t believe that the integral part of the diet or religion makes any sense.

So what is the best diet?  Just like religion we’ll never really know cause all of this started so long ago that how can anyone really know?  I guess if the diet is working for you then it should be ok.  Just like if your religion is doing great things for you then you’ll probably want to stick with it.  The only issue is though even if your diet and religion is  working for you right now it doesn’t mean it’s going to deliver what it promises to you in the end- good health and heaven.  You may just end up in a hospital and some kind of H E double hockey stick land.




Conflicting lifestyle

Life is so unnatural.  We’re so far from our natural origins.  We just go about life without thinking about it.   We do what we think is normal but it clouds what life  really should be.   Conventional life tells us to work a normal shift, get paid bi-weekly and buy shit.

The natural fulfilling rewards in life are almost nonexistent.  In natural life we work for what we need to survive and we naturally get pleasure out of it.  If you’re hungry you kill an animal and then you eat it.  You feel that it was all worth it.  You hunt for your reward and you indulge in it right away.  Modern civilization gets us to work without getting the reward right away.  We work and 2 weeks later we get the reward.  Humans like instant pleasure.   2 weeks is not instant.  We work and we come home and we feel nothing.  We don’t see the reward right away.  If you worked a whole day and collected your money right away it would so much more fulfilling.

I drank a lot tonight and I did something after against my better judgement.  I snorted something again and it hurt.  You must think I’m so fucked up.  Maybe I am.   I like to self destruct sometimes.  I just don’t care sometimes.  I love not caring.  Not caring is like freedom.  A woman once said to me, “I don’t think you’ll ever get married.”  I sort of took offense to that.  I was like, “why?”  She said, “you don’t care.”  I didn’t realize what she meant at the time but after a few years I think she meant that I don’t care  about another person enough.  At the time I took it as, no one would want to marry me.  She was like, “no, I don’t mean that, I just think you just don’t care.”  Wow, I must come off as a cold mother fucker.   The thing about the female race is that they see things a guy will never see.  I respect women for that.  They see the deeper emotional aspect of people.

Shit, my nasal passages are killing me right now.  This blog is like confession for myself.  “Father, forgive me for I have sinned.”  It’s been 7 days since my last confession.  hahahha.

When you work for something you’re suppose to enjoy the reward from it.  Working and buying shit you don’t need is not that fulfilling.  Plus you should only work when you need to.  We’re forced into a schedule whether you like it or not.  Once you work enough to secure your life for quite a while you lose the motivation to work.  If you want something, you work for it.  If there’s nothing you want at the moment then you wouldn’t try so hard to work for it.  A leopard or lion wouldn’t hunt if they weren’t hungry.  Modern civilization is so much about the future but animal instinct would never look that far into the future.  Our instincts tell us now cause in the natural world you never know when  you’re going to go.   Anyone who reads my blog and doesn’t do drugs must think I’m crazy.    I don’t blame you.

I’m out of it now and about to pass out.  I have to get off now.  Have a good night! I proofread this once and found so many grammar mistakes so if you find more I apologize.  I’m inebriated.

Caffeine is Cocaine!

Caffeine should be in the same class as cocaine!!! It was around 10am on Monday and I was looking for stimulation while working.  One of the benefits of being on the road all the time is that you can stop off at places and buy stuff.  I bought a medium sized Americano with no sugar added.  All I wanted was a slight jolt.  Holy shit, in about half an hour it was so obvious to me I was high.  I mean high like when you do illegal drugs or prescription drugs.

I didn’t feel safe.  Kind of paranoid.  I really felt kind of dangerous being on the road.  It was like paranoia and anxiety.  You know that feeling you got when  you were a kid walking somewhere and a group of loud and aggressive kids were walking behind you?  You just knew they were talking about you and it made your adrenaline pump?  That feeling! Interactions with customers felt so weird.  I was all smiley and something was totally not the same.

This shit lasted for 2 hours.  It was only after the 3rd or 4th hour that I started to calm down.  I think what I felt in the 3rd and 4th hour is how most people feel when they drink coffee.  Never again on a working day!  Screw buying illegal drugs, I’m just going to drink coffee to get high.  I felt like Beavis from Beavis and Butthead when he turned into Cornholio.

This caffeine stuff is like junk food and prescription drugs.  It’s not frowned upon to use them cause it’s legal and everyone uses them.  I bet if I crushed a coffee bean into a powder like substance and snorted it up my nose it would make me go nuts.  Caffeine is a psychoactive drug like cocaine and all those other illegal drugs that make you go “whoooooooo!”

From Wikipedia – “Caffeine is the world’s most widely consumed psychoactive substance, but unlike many others, it is legal and unregulated in nearly all jurisdictions. In North America, 90% of adults consume caffeine daily.”

It got me thinking about how addicted people are to coffee.  They will go out of their way during morning rush hour, every morning, line up, pay money, just so they can get their fix.  It’s just like going into a crack house to get crack.  Starbucks is like a crack house.  The mugs that they sell are like crack pipes.  Just another way to transfer the goods into your soul.  “I need my coffee.  I’m grumpy without my coffee uggghhhh.”  Junkie!!!!!  My mom’s a junkie.  My grandma is a 79 year old junkie!  They are all junkies!

You coffee junkies.  I’m on to you now.  Disguising your drug habit as a hot beverage and never admitting you’re high.