Happy Birthday

I’m not one for special days really.  I stopped making anything out of my birthday a few years ago.  If someone wants to take me out then cool but I won’t initiate any kind of gathering.  I guess it’s just another cultural thing I cut myself off from.

It’s not my birthday today but a friend’s.  I feel awkward even writing about it on the day of but it popped in my head and I can’t stop thinking about it.  Throw in some red wine and here I am.

I miss my friend and today is his birthday.  He would have been 34 today but left this world at 31.  I’ve known other people who have passed on at an early age but it doesn’t really ever hit you hard unless if it’s someone who was part of your life and someone you wanted to be in your life.

When I first heard the news I didn’t react the way I thought I would.  I didn’t cry or anything.  I was just like, “what the…”  That was the last and only person out of my group of friends who I had any interest in talking, laughing and interacting with.  We were both very juvenile for our age and had the same silly sense of humour.  We enjoyed each others company when we were drunk and later found out it was just as enjoyable when we were sober.  We even drove the same car.  His sobriety is what really brought us together.

We had the same friends and we came to a point at the same time where we were forced to realize that if you didn’t have money or if you didn’t drink then you just might not have some friends.  He was involved in a bad car accident that almost took his life which forced him to stay away from booze and work for a year.  I came back from a big trip and was jobless which prevented me from doing things most people were doing.  We had a good time eating $3 breakfasts, taking public transit to wherever, making stupid jokes and being totally juvenile.

There isn’t anyone in the world who can ever fill his shoes cause we also had history.  We went to the same high school and hung out through our 20’s.  We knew so many of the same people.  We knew each other since we were 13 but our friendship really only started in our late 20’s.  It sucks but that’s life.  Death is part of life.  Nothing lasts forever.

His passing was the catalyst for me changing the person that I was.  When we lose the ones we love the most that’s when we start a new life.  We were opposites in a way.  He was a very forgiving and compassionate individual where I was more of a cynical and negative kind of guy.  My cynicism was rubbing off on him though.  Hey, the truth is the truth.  I’ve become more like him though.

This is my message to him.  I want to let you know I’m watching out for your family cause I know you would want someone to.  You were their only support and now you’re gone.  I can’t take your place but I can try to make it easier.  It was only after you left I was able to see how people like to say they care but in actuality their actions don’t match their words.  They go to a funeral, give some money and then you’re pretty much forgotten.  That pretty much told me what would happen if I died today.

I often imagine us having conversations that never existed but seem so real.  You would say this and I would say that and then we would both laugh.  When I’m out somewhere with people I can’t help but think how it would be so much better if you were here instead.  I can never say that out loud though cause it be so cold to the people around me.

Thanks for being there cause at least I know someone like you existed.

 

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10 comments on “Happy Birthday

  1. veraersilia says:

    Very moving. You could not have given your friend a better tribute. Keep his memory in your soul as you have been doing. He’ll be always alive for you then.

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  2. Cafe says:

    Really beautiful tribute to your friend, I’m sure he felt the same ways about you. Thank you for sharing 🙂

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  3. Very moving to read this. He is living on in your heart and soul and memory. Just you thinking about him, makes him part of everything you are doing. It resonates a lot. I lost one boyfriend and one school friend through car accidents that to me and others felt like suicides rather than accidents.

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    • MrJohnson says:

      I never really thought about it because I never pay attention to cliches too much but I guess he does live on inside of me. It was interesting for me to reread this post since it’s been a while.

      Not so much an accident but kind of like a death wish kind of thing?

      Liked by 1 person

      • I only saw your reply now. I’m really not that cued on when it comes to WP and find some features quite confusing.
        Ah, he had a death wish, that’s what I thought. I had written a longer reply to your blog but then deleted it because I wasn’t sure whether your friend had an accident, a terminal disease or killed himself. I’ve had two friends who killed himself in car accidents, which I think is a very considerate way of taking your life if you don’t want to give your family too much grief and guilt complexes because hey, they can always believe it was an accident. However, for someone to take their own life or have a very strong death wish (which I think is also expressed in drug abuse, eating disorders, suicidal sports etc) years of abuse and neglect must have taken place. The fact that abuse in childhood (physical, emotional, sexual, mental), which leads to trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder is 98% inflicted by parents and close relatives, for survival reasons gets suppressed by the victim but will find its way to the surface one way or another. So, I’m always extremely wary when I hear parents of suicide victims go: But he was such a happy child. We loved him so much. We really don’t understand how that could happen. Bla bla bla…

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        • MrJohnson says:

          If you didn’t reply, I wouldn’t have thought anything of it so no worries.

          I was actually asking if your friends had a death wish(sorry I should have been more clear) but now you got me thinking. My friend did pass away from a river rafting situation but he was always into risky behaviour even before that. He almost died from a drunk driving car accident just prior to his death. I’m wondering if he subconsciously didn’t want to deal with the future.

          Parents will hardly ever take any responsibility for the poor outcome of their children but will take credit all day long for the good attributes. You also got me thinking if quitting a decent job is like a death wish 🙂

          By the way, my last day at my job was yesterday. I’m now an official member of your club unless if you sold out already and got another job.

          Liked by 1 person

          • And there was I thinking you had sleepless nights worrying what might have happened to me and what could be the tragic reason for not getting back 😉
            Congratulations for quitting your job!! seriously, I’m very proud of you and welcome in our club!!!
            Quitting a decent job is def not a death wish, though Charles Bronson might object 😉 To find out, just ask yourself: Did I love this job? Did this job make me thrive, grow, fulfill my potential? Do I deserve doing what I love and get paid well for it?
            If you answered no to the first two and yes to the third, you did the right decision!
            But don’t tell your parents you have a quit-your-job-whisperer, otherwise they might try to get rid of your wayward-leading WP coach 🙂
            after three months of f*** all hols and doing the odd job now and then, today was my first day at a lovely art-house cinema. I will be doing there 2 days a week, it’s cushy, it’s cosy and it pays the rent while I still have 5 days a week to pursue my creative endeavours, quite a good compromise I think 🙂

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            • MrJohnson says:

              I wouldn’t worry about you because I have absolute confidence that a greater power is always watching out for you so that you can continue to read my blog.

              Charles Bronson..haha. Maybe I should see quitting a job as a life wish instead. I don’t know if I deserve doing what I love and getting paid well for it though but I like your outlook. I have to learn how love myself more, I know.

              People will probably tell me that my WP coach belongs to a crazy cult and is brainwashing me. I wouldn’t know who to believe!

              2 days a week doesn’t sound bad at all. In fact, it sounds ideal. I could probably live with 3 as well. Congratulations!

              Liked by 1 person

            • thank you dear for your good wishes!
              I was looking for purpose in my life and reading your blog sounds just like the right one 🙂
              I like ‘life wish’ yes, that’s what it is. Yes, you deserve doing what you love and get paid well for it. Just inch yourself towards it, everyday a little bit closer. You started already with a big positive change.
              It probably goes all a bit into new agey territory, but not listening to that critical ‘parent’ voice and treat yourself to positive thoughts and actions and surround yourself with people who are uplifting and supportive. A great book which has helped me a lot is The Artist Way by Julia Cameron, you’ll find it on Amazon used for $3. It’s great reading but even better are the exercises cause they kind of force you to put things into practice.
              keep me posted on how you are getting on and what things are coming your way.

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