I’m in love

Most of us grow up hearing about all these things y0u feel when you’re in love.  I’ve never known any of them.  I’ve never been in love.  I know I haven’t.  I’ve stared at the face beside me and I know right away that’s not it and never will be.   Loving doesn’t come easily to me.  I push it away.  The physicality is not enough.  A pretty face is not good enough for me.  I need the emotional connection.  Holy shit that sounded gay.  Some people fall in love just cause the other person seems so into them.  They’ll love someone cause someone is willing to love them.  People will love just cause they want to so bad.  No one loves me and I don’t love anybody.

But I love you and now I know how it feels.  All those things you hear in songs and movies are now starting to become clear to me.  When I’m working, all I think about is coming home to you and how great it will be.  You never disappoint.  The memories before you when I was lonely and bored feel like some kind of dream that never really happened.  You’re real though.

I love having dinner with you. You’re the best company I’ve ever had.  You’re never unpleasant and I want you even after dinner.  Nothing else matters as long as you’re there.  The whole world can crumble but as long as you’re by my side, I will never feel despair.  You make me want to forget everything else and everyone cause when we’re together everything else is forgotten.

I’ve met many like you but none like you.  They’re similar but they can never compare to you.  I can’t help myself when it comes to you.  Everyday I tell myself I can be away from you I just end up with you.  When you’re not available on Sundays and holidays, I do all that I can to make you part of those days.  I’m not going to let those days get between us.  You might have millions of people who are in love with you but you’re the only love of my life.  It sounds crazy cause it’s only  been 3 months since we first got together but I’ve never felt this way before.  Shiraz, Cab Sauv , Merlot, Zinfandel, whatever you call yourself.  I’ll love you even if you never call me.

New

I look at words sometimes and they look so weird to me.  I can’t explain it.  Words that I’ve known all my life like “new” just don’t look right for some reason.  I’m almost convinced I’m spelling it incorrectly or something.   I think I’m going retarded.

You know how we all get sick of things and people after a certain amount of time.  Some faster than others.  We always want things to be new or different no matter how glamourous and exciting it once was.  It’s just part of being human.  New stuff gives us a high.  We love the highs.  We’ll sacrifice our health and everything for it.  It’s our only reason for really wanting to live.

The  human species has one mission.  To survive and to work on making surviving easier.  There’s no such thing as contentment and permanent satisfaction with what you have.  This is how we have come to the world we live in now.  We’re always pushing innovation thinking it will make life better and easier.  What was good enough 10 years ago is a joke today and what was good enough 20 years ago is forgotten.  Dial up internet?  Shoot me in the head.  Motorola Razr?  Freaking dinosaur and a half.   CRT televisions?  My mother won’t even have that.  Buying cd’s that  sucked?  Hell no.  Artists and the record industry bitch about how downloading is so wrong and how it’s ripping off the industry but they don’t remember how all of us were buying a full album only to find out 9 out of the 10 songs were fillers.   Thank you, come again(Apu).  This is payback.  If you’re good, people will still buy your album.  If you suck then your album is only worth a download, maybe.  They’re just pissed off they can’t easily rip people off anymore.  Sorry, went off on an off topic  rant.

Think about your own life.  You’re always trying to change and make it better even if everything is good.  Without the instinct to always make things better we could still be sitting in the stone age.  Humans can’t help it though.  We get bored and we get ideas and sooner or later that idea starts to become something.  If we stay the same we feel something is not right.  We always feel that we’re missing something or we need to move on to a new phase.

Evolving always sounds like a positive word but the desire to evolve often leads us over the cliff.  There’s no such thing as infinite growth for humans.  We’re retards.  Every empire has fallen cause of the want to grow.  We push the limits cause of ego and selfishness and then start over to have it happen all over again.   It’s  been written throughout history but we can’t help ourselves.  Even in the smaller scale of individual lives we can’t help it.  Nothing is ever enough.

Marriages only last as long as they do cause of change.  Couples have kids cause they they know how shitless it would be to try and make the marriage last with just the other person’s company.  Love often has a best before date and it’s best before it gets boring.  Once it gets boring the only stimulation you can find from the relationship is nagging and fighting.

We always want to change it up.  New hobbies, employment position, girlfriend, car, neighborhood, cellphone, food, workouts, colour of the paint on your wall.  It stimulates us even if it’s just a little bit of a change.  We want stimulation and only new and different gives us stimulation.  For there to be any peace there has to be contentment.  Chasing highs will eventually lead you to a bad comedown.   Contentment sounds all enlightening and all but not sure if it’s really possible to go against human instincts.  I think new is good as long as  you’re not getting in over your head and having unrealistic expectations or any expectations.  I think I think anyway.  Maybe I’ll think something different tomorrow when I’m more sober.   Red red wiine.  Stay close to meeee..eeee.  You’re all that I neee…eeeed.

 

 

Life is about distracting yourself

They always say life is short but life is really very long.  For the ones on this Earth who don’t want to kill themselves no matter what, we have to find ways to get through this life whether it be easy or a constant upward battle with glimpses of coasting.  Most of us go through the stages of our lives wondering what to do and what to do next.  It’s difficult and confusing but we seem to always manage to convince ourselves we’re doing the right thing.

When you can’t quite figure it out you tend to just do what everyone else would do.  This usually equates to a bunch of things you don’t really know if you want to do but feel you have to do.  It only lasts so long though until the inevitable reality sets in.  The reality that you can only distract yourself for so long until the emptiness finds you.

You ever wonder why a mid life crisis happens?  Cause people ran out of shit to do.  They got married, their kids are grown and don’t need them anymore, their careers are set in stone, mortgage is paid off.  Now what?  You did all the things society wanted you to do but now there’s no one to follow.  It’s like your leader ditched you halfway through the journey.  I might be talking out of my ass cause I’m not at the mid life yet but this is just what I think.

Survival is pretty easy for most of us.  Even if you’re making a shit wage you can get by without fear as long as you don’t fall into temptation or get majorly screwed over somehow.  With that taken care of you would want the rest of your time to be full of joy and void of less than pleasurable thoughts.  It doesn’t usually happen like that I don’t think.

What happens when there’s not much bliss outside of basic survival?  We distract ourselves anyway we can so our thoughts don’t get the better of us.  We chase after more, work more, numb out in front of the television, drink alcohol, do drugs, exercise, surf the net aimlessly, sleep, eat, talk to people we don’t want to talk to.

If you don’t distract your mind it might run wild and come up with things you never wanted to even consider.  If you think enough you might come to the conclusion your life was just a life of being part of an algorithm and not actually anything meaningful as your ego wanted you to believe.

This sounds depressing but I can’t help but think there’s some truth to it.   We look for things that will last forever but nothing does.  It ends in some way either completely or some shape or form.  People see their lives as this great journey for the pursuit of happiness but really it’s just riding out the stages as long as possible and milking it for all that it’s worth.  We don’t want to be lost or bored.   I think sooner or later most people realize a life of absolute self gain is empty and there needs to be some contribution to society or to someone that is not yourself.  I can see my uncles and aunts realizing this now as they’re retired or near retirement.   I write all this stuff and I’m not always convinced I’m making much sense cause I’m sort of buzzed but the red wine tells me I’m a genius.

This is how I distract myself

This is how I distract myself (the chocolates are not for me).

Happy Birthday

I’m not one for special days really.  I stopped making anything out of my birthday a few years ago.  If someone wants to take me out then cool but I won’t initiate any kind of gathering.  I guess it’s just another cultural thing I cut myself off from.

It’s not my birthday today but a friend’s.  I feel awkward even writing about it on the day of but it popped in my head and I can’t stop thinking about it.  Throw in some red wine and here I am.

I miss my friend and today is his birthday.  He would have been 34 today but left this world at 31.  I’ve known other people who have passed on at an early age but it doesn’t really ever hit you hard unless if it’s someone who was part of your life and someone you wanted to be in your life.

When I first heard the news I didn’t react the way I thought I would.  I didn’t cry or anything.  I was just like, “what the…”  That was the last and only person out of my group of friends who I had any interest in talking, laughing and interacting with.  We were both very juvenile for our age and had the same silly sense of humour.  We enjoyed each others company when we were drunk and later found out it was just as enjoyable when we were sober.  We even drove the same car.  His sobriety is what really brought us together.

We had the same friends and we came to a point at the same time where we were forced to realize that if you didn’t have money or if you didn’t drink then you just might not have some friends.  He was involved in a bad car accident that almost took his life which forced him to stay away from booze and work for a year.  I came back from a big trip and was jobless which prevented me from doing things most people were doing.  We had a good time eating $3 breakfasts, taking public transit to wherever, making stupid jokes and being totally juvenile.

There isn’t anyone in the world who can ever fill his shoes cause we also had history.  We went to the same high school and hung out through our 20’s.  We knew so many of the same people.  We knew each other since we were 13 but our friendship really only started in our late 20’s.  It sucks but that’s life.  Death is part of life.  Nothing lasts forever.

His passing was the catalyst for me changing the person that I was.  When we lose the ones we love the most that’s when we start a new life.  We were opposites in a way.  He was a very forgiving and compassionate individual where I was more of a cynical and negative kind of guy.  My cynicism was rubbing off on him though.  Hey, the truth is the truth.  I’ve become more like him though.

This is my message to him.  I want to let you know I’m watching out for your family cause I know you would want someone to.  You were their only support and now you’re gone.  I can’t take your place but I can try to make it easier.  It was only after you left I was able to see how people like to say they care but in actuality their actions don’t match their words.  They go to a funeral, give some money and then you’re pretty much forgotten.  That pretty much told me what would happen if I died today.

I often imagine us having conversations that never existed but seem so real.  You would say this and I would say that and then we would both laugh.  When I’m out somewhere with people I can’t help but think how it would be so much better if you were here instead.  I can never say that out loud though cause it be so cold to the people around me.

Thanks for being there cause at least I know someone like you existed.

 

Guidance

This is probably one of the most important building blocks in order for someone to be easily successful and a decent human being.  Without good guidance most of become confused, lost or end up choosing paths that set us back possibly forever.

In the society we live in hardly any of us experience the exact same people and environment.  We might all have family, friends, teachers, neighbors and homes but they’re never the same people and never the same home.  This is modern day western civilization.

Closer to the beginning of time we all belonged to only one tribe and one village.  You didn’t switch tribes like you did friends and you didn’t switch villages like you did schools or jobs.  You saw the same people everyday and everyone else you knew saw the same people everyday.  Depending on the environment you lived in there would be a certain way how everyone survived for years and years.  These methods of survival would be passed down from generation to generation cause they obviously worked.  If something didn’t work then it wouldn’t be passed on.

These days it’s all messed up.  If you have a question about life you’ll get a thousand different answers from a thousand different people who grew up differently or differently somewhere else.  Also, life changes so quickly these days that the right answer a  year ago is now obsolete.  The only guidance most of us are looking for really is how to live a happy life.

Most of the elders in my family lived stressful, unhappy and worrisome lives yet they still like to urge the younger ones to do exactly what they did.  Why would you take advice from someone who lived a mostly miserable life unless if they were telling you to not do what they did?  Seems kind of silly.  My uncles and aunts may not have been very happy but they always had a roof over their head and bills were always paid. If you wanted your whole entire existence to revolve around having as much money as possible then maybe you would consider following their path.  I think I’d rather have dirt as my roof while being 6 feet under.

My family grew up in a different era and culture.  Life kind of sucked when they were growing up cause money was scarce.  Money doesn’t really bring you happiness except when you barely have enough to survive.  Being in that environment forced their brain to install software that forever programmed them to make as much money as possible and to never let it go.

There’s just so much conflicting advice out there.  You’ll hear, “You should stay at your job cause it pays good.  Doesn’t matter if you don’t like it.”  Then you’ll hear, “If  you’re not happy with your job, leave.  There’s no point in living life unhappy.”  You’ll also hear, “You’re not getting any younger, you better figure it out.”  Then you’ll hear, “It’s never too late to find something else.”  It doesn’t end.  In hunter gatherer times you should listen to your elder.  In present times you pretty much can only listen to yourself.  It’s scary to listen to yourself sometimes though cause you’re not sure if what you think you want is realistic or dreamer talk.  I think thoughts are very spontaneous sometimes so we should analyze and not be so rash about it.

I think if we’re looking for advice we should be looking for it from people who are like minded and from people who live lives that we wish to emulate.  A lion in Africa wouldn’t take advice from a cougar in Canada on how to kill an antelope.  That lion would only follow advice from a lion in Africa.  Humans are easily influenced though and we have too much influence.  Family, friends, strangers, and TV.  You can make sense of all the advice you get but hardly any of it is right for you.  There comes a time when you know there’s not much for you on the road your paving and you just have to take the plunge into unfamiliar waters cause at least there’s a chance.

The Chocolate Experiment

The Chocolate Experiment is a journey to a land not well travelled by most people.  It’s a new venture of mine to explore the experience of giving.  Throughout my whole life it’s been about self gain.  If I was looking for pleasure,  happiness, I would seek it in the way of self indulgence.  That method, for whatever reason is not as effective as it once was.

I’ve sort of been on a giving spree lately.  Stuff that has been sitting around my place that has no use to me really, has gone somewhere else.  Somewhere else where it would actually be used.  I donated most of my DVD collection to the local library.  I thought about doing that in the past but the thought there would be a small chance that I might need them stopped me.  Also the thought of giving away something I spent a few hundred dollars on, didn’t excite me.  But the fact remained that these DVDs were almost useless to me but for sure if I donated them, someone would get some joy out of it.  I borrow DVDs from the library all the time so I felt it was only fitting that I give back.  Contribute to the community I guess.

When I was 21 I bought this leather jacket for $400.  In my younger years I didn’t really know how to buy clothes very well.  The sleeves were a little long for me and the whole thing was a bit big for me in general.  It’s been over 10 years and that jacket has only seen probably 20 times of use.  I haven’t worn it since 2006 and something told me it wouldn’t come out of the closet much for the rest of my life.  I decided to give it to my oldest friend.  He’s always been pretty good to me.  He’s always been a little bit bigger and taller than I and he’s gotten more plump in his adult years so the jacket fits him better.  That’s a mild version of a fat joke.

This past week I’ve been giving chocolate bars away to people at work, customers and total strangers.  The local supermarket had a real good deal so I bought like 60 at $1 a piece (regular $2).  When giving them away the following are the most common reactions.

1)  “How much?”
2) “Don’t you want it?”
3) “Thanks! “4) “Where did you get these? Customer gave them to you?”

One coworker jokingly asked if he had to drop his pants for a chocolate bar.  I think the happiest person to receive a chocolate bar was the guy who was working at the medical marijuana store.  He was like, “this made my day, I should give you a gram for this.”

This is what I think I have learned from the Chocolate Experiment.  People don’t generally give anything to anyone who they don’t have much of a relationship with.  I think this cause people seemed so damn shocked to get a free chocolate bar.  It’s not like it was a gold brick or anything.
There’s almost no one that doesn’t like chocolate.  Out of the 40 people I offered chocolate bars to only 4 didn’t accept.  2 of them had blood sugar issues and the other 2 said they’re not big fans of chocolate.  It’s funny, the 2 people who had blood sugar issues were both skinny.
Giving away $40 worth of chocolate bars to 40 different people brings more satisfaction than a $40 dinner.  For the past few months I’ve been trying to compensate for the lack of satisfaction from work and life that I’ve been indulging in overpriced dinners.  I’ve never came home feeling much satisfaction from any of those dinners.  I sometimes felt stupid but countered that with “oh well.”

Doing something like this would have seemed very retarded a couple years ago.  The idea would have been, “why not spend that $40 on myself instead?”  I’m not saying don’t be good to yourself but I think giving a bit to someone other than yourself if you can is pretty magical.  I feel kind of weird using the world “magical.”  Oh well.