I’m in love

Most of us grow up hearing about all these things y0u feel when you’re in love.  I’ve never known any of them.  I’ve never been in love.  I know I haven’t.  I’ve stared at the face beside me and I know right away that’s not it and never will be.   Loving doesn’t come easily to me.  I push it away.  The physicality is not enough.  A pretty face is not good enough for me.  I need the emotional connection.  Holy shit that sounded gay.  Some people fall in love just cause the other person seems so into them.  They’ll love someone cause someone is willing to love them.  People will love just cause they want to so bad.  No one loves me and I don’t love anybody.

But I love you and now I know how it feels.  All those things you hear in songs and movies are now starting to become clear to me.  When I’m working, all I think about is coming home to you and how great it will be.  You never disappoint.  The memories before you when I was lonely and bored feel like some kind of dream that never really happened.  You’re real though.

I love having dinner with you. You’re the best company I’ve ever had.  You’re never unpleasant and I want you even after dinner.  Nothing else matters as long as you’re there.  The whole world can crumble but as long as you’re by my side, I will never feel despair.  You make me want to forget everything else and everyone cause when we’re together everything else is forgotten.

I’ve met many like you but none like you.  They’re similar but they can never compare to you.  I can’t help myself when it comes to you.  Everyday I tell myself I can be away from you I just end up with you.  When you’re not available on Sundays and holidays, I do all that I can to make you part of those days.  I’m not going to let those days get between us.  You might have millions of people who are in love with you but you’re the only love of my life.  It sounds crazy cause it’s only  been 3 months since we first got together but I’ve never felt this way before.  Shiraz, Cab Sauv , Merlot, Zinfandel, whatever you call yourself.  I’ll love you even if you never call me.

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Life is about distracting yourself

They always say life is short but life is really very long.  For the ones on this Earth who don’t want to kill themselves no matter what, we have to find ways to get through this life whether it be easy or a constant upward battle with glimpses of coasting.  Most of us go through the stages of our lives wondering what to do and what to do next.  It’s difficult and confusing but we seem to always manage to convince ourselves we’re doing the right thing.

When you can’t quite figure it out you tend to just do what everyone else would do.  This usually equates to a bunch of things you don’t really know if you want to do but feel you have to do.  It only lasts so long though until the inevitable reality sets in.  The reality that you can only distract yourself for so long until the emptiness finds you.

You ever wonder why a mid life crisis happens?  Cause people ran out of shit to do.  They got married, their kids are grown and don’t need them anymore, their careers are set in stone, mortgage is paid off.  Now what?  You did all the things society wanted you to do but now there’s no one to follow.  It’s like your leader ditched you halfway through the journey.  I might be talking out of my ass cause I’m not at the mid life yet but this is just what I think.

Survival is pretty easy for most of us.  Even if you’re making a shit wage you can get by without fear as long as you don’t fall into temptation or get majorly screwed over somehow.  With that taken care of you would want the rest of your time to be full of joy and void of less than pleasurable thoughts.  It doesn’t usually happen like that I don’t think.

What happens when there’s not much bliss outside of basic survival?  We distract ourselves anyway we can so our thoughts don’t get the better of us.  We chase after more, work more, numb out in front of the television, drink alcohol, do drugs, exercise, surf the net aimlessly, sleep, eat, talk to people we don’t want to talk to.

If you don’t distract your mind it might run wild and come up with things you never wanted to even consider.  If you think enough you might come to the conclusion your life was just a life of being part of an algorithm and not actually anything meaningful as your ego wanted you to believe.

This sounds depressing but I can’t help but think there’s some truth to it.   We look for things that will last forever but nothing does.  It ends in some way either completely or some shape or form.  People see their lives as this great journey for the pursuit of happiness but really it’s just riding out the stages as long as possible and milking it for all that it’s worth.  We don’t want to be lost or bored.   I think sooner or later most people realize a life of absolute self gain is empty and there needs to be some contribution to society or to someone that is not yourself.  I can see my uncles and aunts realizing this now as they’re retired or near retirement.   I write all this stuff and I’m not always convinced I’m making much sense cause I’m sort of buzzed but the red wine tells me I’m a genius.

This is how I distract myself

This is how I distract myself (the chocolates are not for me).

The Chocolate Experiment

The Chocolate Experiment is a journey to a land not well travelled by most people.  It’s a new venture of mine to explore the experience of giving.  Throughout my whole life it’s been about self gain.  If I was looking for pleasure,  happiness, I would seek it in the way of self indulgence.  That method, for whatever reason is not as effective as it once was.

I’ve sort of been on a giving spree lately.  Stuff that has been sitting around my place that has no use to me really, has gone somewhere else.  Somewhere else where it would actually be used.  I donated most of my DVD collection to the local library.  I thought about doing that in the past but the thought there would be a small chance that I might need them stopped me.  Also the thought of giving away something I spent a few hundred dollars on, didn’t excite me.  But the fact remained that these DVDs were almost useless to me but for sure if I donated them, someone would get some joy out of it.  I borrow DVDs from the library all the time so I felt it was only fitting that I give back.  Contribute to the community I guess.

When I was 21 I bought this leather jacket for $400.  In my younger years I didn’t really know how to buy clothes very well.  The sleeves were a little long for me and the whole thing was a bit big for me in general.  It’s been over 10 years and that jacket has only seen probably 20 times of use.  I haven’t worn it since 2006 and something told me it wouldn’t come out of the closet much for the rest of my life.  I decided to give it to my oldest friend.  He’s always been pretty good to me.  He’s always been a little bit bigger and taller than I and he’s gotten more plump in his adult years so the jacket fits him better.  That’s a mild version of a fat joke.

This past week I’ve been giving chocolate bars away to people at work, customers and total strangers.  The local supermarket had a real good deal so I bought like 60 at $1 a piece (regular $2).  When giving them away the following are the most common reactions.

1)  “How much?”
2) “Don’t you want it?”
3) “Thanks! “4) “Where did you get these? Customer gave them to you?”

One coworker jokingly asked if he had to drop his pants for a chocolate bar.  I think the happiest person to receive a chocolate bar was the guy who was working at the medical marijuana store.  He was like, “this made my day, I should give you a gram for this.”

This is what I think I have learned from the Chocolate Experiment.  People don’t generally give anything to anyone who they don’t have much of a relationship with.  I think this cause people seemed so damn shocked to get a free chocolate bar.  It’s not like it was a gold brick or anything.
There’s almost no one that doesn’t like chocolate.  Out of the 40 people I offered chocolate bars to only 4 didn’t accept.  2 of them had blood sugar issues and the other 2 said they’re not big fans of chocolate.  It’s funny, the 2 people who had blood sugar issues were both skinny.
Giving away $40 worth of chocolate bars to 40 different people brings more satisfaction than a $40 dinner.  For the past few months I’ve been trying to compensate for the lack of satisfaction from work and life that I’ve been indulging in overpriced dinners.  I’ve never came home feeling much satisfaction from any of those dinners.  I sometimes felt stupid but countered that with “oh well.”

Doing something like this would have seemed very retarded a couple years ago.  The idea would have been, “why not spend that $40 on myself instead?”  I’m not saying don’t be good to yourself but I think giving a bit to someone other than yourself if you can is pretty magical.  I feel kind of weird using the world “magical.”  Oh well.