Red Red Wine

I never really had an issue with any kind of substance for very long.  I’ve smoked cigarettes since I was 12 years old but I could quit anytime almost and most of the time I just smoked socially.  I never really liked smoking that much.  For the most part I did it cause I was bored and wanted something to do.  Plus it had a cool factor to it.  At least I thought so.  The only times I really craved cigarettes was when I was drinking or when I was high on some kind of drug.

I like drinking beer but it’s more of a social thing for me.  Marijuana always put me in a weird place.  Although that could have been to my state of mind and situation in life.  I think if I was surrounded with like minded people and my life had no misery, smoking marijuana would be more enjoyable.

Red red wine.  I’ve finally met my vice.  It tastes good with food.  That’s my biggest issue.  I don’t like drinking wine by itself but with food I love it.  I tell myself I can quit and I know I can but I don’t care right now.  I got nothing else to do really.  Sounds sad, I know.  I guess I’m hoping this red wine phase will pass on its own like everything else but I don’t know.  Until it becomes a problem I don’t think I will quit.

This sounds really weird from a guy who watches his diet.  I’m Asian and I don’t even eat rice or noodles everyday.  Vegetable oil is absent from my diet on most days.  I guess I like to feel good and a good diet makes me feel good just like how red wine makes me feel good.  Is it needless to say I’ve been drinking red wine tonight?

This song by UB40 always played at this pool hall I spent my youth at.  Brings back memories shooting sticks at 2am when I was 15.  It was such a high just being out late with my friends, feeling like I was part of something.

Advertisements

Expectations part 2

When you’re disabled in some kind of way you get a pass from society’s expectations.  Say if you’re missing an arm, leg, nose or if you got your leg sewed onto where your arm used to be, no one would expect much of you.  They’ll totally accept that you’re jobless, alone and have B.O.  As long as you’re not totally miserable then they’re happy for you.

But if you have all your appendages and blend in with a crowd you’re expected to be somewhere and if you’re not then you suck.  The thing is, even though you have all your body parts and don’t have an obvious mental illness you could still be disabled.  Your parent’s could have been big time losers, you got tormented in elementary school or something else that affected you deeply in your early years of development.

It’s weird.  If your life does not match up to the norm then people just assume you’re unhappy.  Happiness can be judged by looking at the picture.  Picture perfect or picture pitiful.  That’s why so many people devote their life just to keep that picture the way it is whether or not it makes them happy or miserable.  If they can convince people that they’re happy then it makes their life’s work worth it.

A great portion of my thoughts on people and society came at a time when I was around 26 and unemployed.  Every new person I met gave me a hard time.  It was like I had a disease and they just wanted to stay away from me in case I infected them.  Sometimes it wasn’t so much that I was unemployed that horrified them but the fact that I could laugh about it and not feel any embarrassment about it.  It wasn’t just women who were disgusted but guys too.  The whole table would go quiet when I told them I was unemployed.

Wannabe Yuppie: “So what do you do?”
Me: “If you mean for work, I’m not working right now.”
Dickface: “Ummm, you going to school?” Me: “No.”
C Word: “Ummmm, you just finished school?”
Me: “No.”
Asswipe: “Ummm, so what do you do with your time.”
Me: “Sleep in, hang out.”

Seriously, people treated me like I was some kind of low life cheater.  They didn’t feel sympathy or admiration but definitely awkwardness.  Why the F should anyone feel awkward cause I’m not working?  That’s so fucked up.  Ya ya, you’re getting your master’s, you have a career. you’re going abroad to study.  Fuck you.  How about I punch you in the face so at least you feel something like pain that at least makes sense.  I’m drinking red wine again.  This one’s a cheap bottle my cousin won at his company’s Christmas party.

Am I dating your sister?  Am I dating your friend?  Are you my friend?  Am I taking money off you? No times 4.  Then why do you give a crap?  Why do you expect me to be a certain way?  I guess it was just to make them feel better about their lives.  Cause really, most people go to school to get jobs they don’t really want.  They have to make themselves feel better  somehow.  Seeing a person who is the opposite and acts like they don’t give a crap threatens their weak ass existence.

I haven’t thought about those times until tonight actually.  It taught me a lot about people though.  It also made me reluctant to ever be stuck at a dinner table with normal people.  The last thing I want to say about expectations is that they’re usually not justified.  The expectations I carried for most of my life, spoiled most of my relationships with both genders.  Brought unnecessary grief to me as well.   Our expectations can often be catered to our wants and needs and not actual reality.  We’re all human with our different issues living in this crazy world.  You can only expect someone to be human.

 

 

Great Expectations

Have you ever thought back to when you were a kid and how nothing plagued your mind for very long.  When I talk to most people they just sum it up to having no worries back then and no responsibilities.  I’m sure that’s part of it.  I’ve thought about it recently and I blame the transition from carefree childhood to endless tormenting adulthood thoughts on expectations.

When I was a kid I was happy to get home from school to turn on the TV to watch cartoons or teenage  sitcoms.  I never felt like a loser on Sunday night if I didn’t do anything on the weekend.  What I accomplished, where I went, where I was going, how far I was from the promise land had no place in my mind cause no one else gave a shit.  It wasn’t that difficult to fit in.

Every year that passed brought more expectations to life.  That’s the difference between now and then.  Our expectations.  When we were kids, climbing a mole  hill brought us satisfaction.  As adults we have to climb mountains to get any satisfaction and then climb a bigger mountain after that.

Our expectations usually come from the expectations of the ones around us.  It was ok to just watch TV all day when you were 10 years old.  It was ok to only make minimum wage when you were 18.  It was ok to have no career when you were 25.  Expectations change with age.  Life is all about numbers.  At this age you should be here and at this age you should be there.  It’s fucked up.  If you met a 40 year old who made minimum wage, no family, renting, no nothing, most people be like, ” that person lost.”  That person lost cause their life didn’t match up to the expectations of society.

The typical advice is “don’t give a shit about what everyone else thinks.”  As true as that may be it doesn’t always make it any easier.   Holy shit I’m buzzed from this red wine.  My friend gave me a nice bottle for my birthday and I decided to open it on a special day, Thursday.  If you were 1 out of 7 you would be considered special too.

Why is it that we can’t be happy just watching cartoons all day and throw baseballs back and forth to each other?  It’s mostly our own mind but also just cause we’re human.  We see everyone else doing certain things and we just can’t help but feel like a loser if we don’t match up.  I don’t know what it is.  It’s like a trick our designers put on us.  You must evolve in order to be happy.  Improvement of the human species is the only reason why we’re here it seems.  Life just won’t let you be happy if you do nothing.

We look at life like a guidebook.  With every chapter something new should be happening and if you don’t follow this guidebook you’ll  be stuck reading the same chapter and you won’t be able to discuss chapter 10 cause you’re still on chapter 3 so no one wants to talk to you even if chapter 3 is the best chapter.  But if everyone stayed on chapter 3 it would be all good.

When you were in school it was easy cause you were put in a system.  You go to grade 8 and then to 9.  Once you got out of school your destiny was all on you.  No one would end up in the same stage at the same age.   Your choices either made you or broke you.  I think life would have been much easier for most people if someone chose our destiny for us.  There would be no “what if” or “I should of” or any regret cause you didn’t have a choice to begin with.

I really hate how I open myself up to the blogesphere with these kinds of ideas sometimes.  I hate giving the impression that I’m weak and bitter about life.  I appreciate the hell out of all your comments and thoughts.  If everything was hunky dory I guess I wouldn’t be on here and maybe you wouldn’t be either.  We’re all here to help each other I guess.  Like a community.  Shit, can you tell that I’m buzzed.  I’m going to stop now before I say something I’ll regret in the morning.

Jack Of All Slaves

1) A person who is the legal property of another and is forced to obey them

2) One that is completely subservient to a dominating influence

Those were the first couple definitions I found when I Googled the word “slave.”  For most of us we’re not completely enslaved to someone or something but quite often we’re slaves to many forces.

If you work a regular job you are pretty much legal property to your boss or company for 8 hours a day.   You do what they want  you to do and speak the way they want you to.  Your life depends on this job.  Your boss knows this.  This boss knows you have a mortgage, family and you can’t quit no matter what.  This boss will sometimes yell at you and talk to you like you’re a powerless little child cause they know you won’t do shit.  This person owns your life.  The feeling like a slave part is not really from having to do something you don’t like but more so the feeling of always being scared of losing your job or getting in trouble if you’re not doing it good enough.

Holding you down is life’s way of making you their bitch.  The whole goal is to get someone stuck making payments for as long as possible or just stuck in general.  It guarantees slavery.  So many people are stuck with credit card debt that they will never pay off.  You can’t not pay otherwise the bookie will come break your credible legs.  I’m intrigued how credit card companies are always successful.  Their business model is based on people being irresponsible and people who go through hard times but mostly people who tell themselves,  “it will be ok, I’ll just put this car on my credit card.”

I kind of believe the people who rule this world conspire to make us slaves to a lifestyle and mindset.  All the advertisements, movies and media brainwash us into thinking we have to be a certain way and have certain things and then a few years later a different way and different things.  I guess that’s how the economy keeps running though.  No new shit no new money.  They need people to keep buying stuff so we keep working.  We have to be convinced that we should strive for a mortgage and family otherwise there will be no motivation to work so hard.  We need to have kids so there will be future slaves.   I don’t know, I just made some of this stuff up just now.  Seemed like I was on to something so I just rolled with it.

I feel like my job has started to enslave me.  When you stick around at a job long enough you get to a certain wage and comfort zone.  And that’s how they got me for now.  The system is designed to make you climb this ladder so that when you look down you’ll be too scared to go down.  You don’t want to have all those years you spent at this company for nothing.  You don’t want to go down in pay or lifestyle.  To tell you the truth I’m not very scared to lose my job.  I just don’t want to leave it for nothing or for less pay and equal passion/pain.

Who knows, I might just get really heroic or sick of my employment one day and terminate myself.   Seems kind of immature for a man in his 30’s to even think this but I just can’t help but think it’s somewhat possible.  I know I only have these thoughts cause of the absence of commitment in my life.  No mortgage, family, car payments, debts, friends to keep up with and lack of motivation for these things in the future.  These are usually the reasons why people want to keep their job so bad.

I hate thinking about working an unstimulating job for my whole life or for a very long time.  I really do.  I just don’t know what to do about it.  People are always like, “follow your heart” or “find something you like doing” or “that’s life.”  I don’t know man.   I just always think there’s something better out there for me.  I’m a dreamer, what can I say.

 

 

 

My vacation

This week I’m off on vacation from that thing called  cog turning, economy contributing, survival or what most people refer to as work.  They make us choose our time off in May so if you want to go somewhere you have to plan it out way ahead of time.  I never have plans so I just randomly choose different weeks to take off.  I try to strategize when I think I will go crazy or when I think work will suck but it’s not an easy task.   It’s always cold in January and there’s a possibility of snow so here I am cause I don’t like working in the cold or when it snows.

Monday morning I looked out the window and I couldn’t help but smile.  There was a few centimetres of snow on the ground.   A bit of guilt came over me for getting pleasure out of this but I was just so delighted I didn’t have to be all stressed out on the road all day.    I drive for a job and the vehicles I drive suck big time on the snow.  Here in Vancouver it snows a couple centimetres and then it gets compacted and freezes which makes for crap driving conditions.  It’s actually pretty dangerous but nothing stops the wheels of commerce.  The potential cost of regular expenses, someone getting hurt and  vehicle damage does not compare to the amount of money they would lose if they shut down for a day so as an expendable resource we have to go out.  It’s funny cause on a dry sunny day if your brakes didn’t work properly,  you wouldn’t be legally allowed to drive that vehicle but if it snows and your vehicle doesn’t stop properly cause it’s too slippery, it’s ok.

Since my trip to Japan I decided that I would just stay in the city during my vacations for the next little while.  Breaking down the cost of my trip to Japan, I calculated I spent $250 a day including flight and hostel.  I figured I could stay here, spend half that or even a lot less and still have a pretty good time.

On my vacations I try to do things and go to places that are never part of my daily routine.  Monday it snowed so I didn’t really go anywhere.  Tuesday I got my car stereo installed, went to the casino and won $10(woohoo), got a buzz from the beers and then went to the Chinese restaurant next door and ate lobster.

Wednesday I met my friend in the city centre of Vancouver and had lunch, went to the strip bar at 2pm and then went to the casino again and lost $80.  Friggin Roulette.  There’s nothing that will make you feel more scummy than going to a strip bar while there’s plenty of daylight out.  It’s pretty empty except for the handful of older men that for some reason give me the impression they are regulars.  I think every younger guy looks at these old men and tell themselves how they will never be like them.  I’d like to believe this as well but after a bit of living I know anyone can end up exactly what they never wanted to be.  To be honest I don’t frequent strip clubs often at all.  I hate how the girls walk around bugging you to buy a lap dance and how the unattractive strippers stare at you seductively.  But the fact that it’s free to walk in, I figure it makes sense sometimes to look at naked women than nothing at all.

Now it’s Thursday and the inevitable feeling of “shit it’s almost over” is just around the corner.  I don’t  have much planned for the rest of my vacation.  I’m sure I’ll drink more alcohol and eat some more shitty food but it’s not very exciting these days.  Today I accidentally got cornered into hanging out with a group of friends I hardly ever see anymore.  I felt nothing except a big disconnect.  I just can’t have a good time with some people no more.  It’s the weirdest feeling.  I was so relieved to be home and alone and I swear it’s not a mental disorder.

Something I realized recently is that if there’s something in your life that gives you unhappiness, you can continue to fully embrace it as long as you believe in it.  But once you stop believing then there’s nothing.

 

DSCN1497

Scene of the mountains 2 blocks from where I live. You can pretty much get a view of the mountains from anywhere in this city. It was a lot nicer a few days ago when it was totally snow covered. I’ll get you a nicer one next time.

Monday morning.  This is all it takes for the city to be in chaos.

Monday morning in front of my place.  This is all it takes for the city to be in chaos.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is why many of us blog

I’m a religious listener of the Joe Rogan Podcast.  He says so many things that connect with me.  Listening to his podcast is more entertaining to me than TV or radio.  It’s not only entertaining but also hilarious, intriguing and educational.  Some of the guests he has on are pretty cool too.  You can listen or download his podcasts for free on itunes.  This is a short clip I cut out.

Seeing your old self

For the past couple years I’ve been doing some honest self analyzation and what I’ve realized would have made me cried in my 20’s.  I’ve thought about my actions, emotions and thoughts from the past and it makes me cringe.  At the time I was very easily able to justify my negative actions and feelings cause making sure I never felt bad about myself was the number one priority.

Looking back I’m kind of surprised how I had friends and how most people in general thought I was a pretty decent person even though I was such a negative individual.  I would become moody, hateful, egotistical very easily.  My expectations for people were too high.  Insecurity was always an issue I had to deal with.  Although, I never really dealt with it, instead I just covered it up.

I said I was surprised about how most people thought I was a decent person even with having the negative personality that I did but it makes sense cause now that I think about it, most people possessed the same negative traits so they tolerated it.  Well, maybe just the people I was around.

When I see or hear about people saying or doing something negative I understand more deeply what’s going on.  Before I would just say they were being an expletive expletive but now it makes more sense.  Now that I know why I used to act in certain ways I can see why other people do.  Now that I understand, it allows me to be less angry when people rub me the wrong way.

I think my biggest regret in life is that I wasn’t a more positive and better person for most of my past.  I did, said and thought things for the wrong reasons.  I lacked compassion.  I can go on and on.

These last 2 years have been an awakening.  Once you’re honest with yourself you can see what’s really going on in your head instead of what you want to believe.  Until you see the problem and realize it’s a problem it will never change.  The worst thing I’ve done is hurt the feelings of others and the best thing I’ve done is to not be afraid to hurt my own.