Red Red Wine

I never really had an issue with any kind of substance for very long.  I’ve smoked cigarettes since I was 12 years old but I could quit anytime almost and most of the time I just smoked socially.  I never really liked smoking that much.  For the most part I did it cause I was bored and wanted something to do.  Plus it had a cool factor to it.  At least I thought so.  The only times I really craved cigarettes was when I was drinking or when I was high on some kind of drug.

I like drinking beer but it’s more of a social thing for me.  Marijuana always put me in a weird place.  Although that could have been to my state of mind and situation in life.  I think if I was surrounded with like minded people and my life had no misery, smoking marijuana would be more enjoyable.

Red red wine.  I’ve finally met my vice.  It tastes good with food.  That’s my biggest issue.  I don’t like drinking wine by itself but with food I love it.  I tell myself I can quit and I know I can but I don’t care right now.  I got nothing else to do really.  Sounds sad, I know.  I guess I’m hoping this red wine phase will pass on its own like everything else but I don’t know.  Until it becomes a problem I don’t think I will quit.

This sounds really weird from a guy who watches his diet.  I’m Asian and I don’t even eat rice or noodles everyday.  Vegetable oil is absent from my diet on most days.  I guess I like to feel good and a good diet makes me feel good just like how red wine makes me feel good.  Is it needless to say I’ve been drinking red wine tonight?

This song by UB40 always played at this pool hall I spent my youth at.  Brings back memories shooting sticks at 2am when I was 15.  It was such a high just being out late with my friends, feeling like I was part of something.

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Jack Of All Slaves

1) A person who is the legal property of another and is forced to obey them

2) One that is completely subservient to a dominating influence

Those were the first couple definitions I found when I Googled the word “slave.”  For most of us we’re not completely enslaved to someone or something but quite often we’re slaves to many forces.

If you work a regular job you are pretty much legal property to your boss or company for 8 hours a day.   You do what they want  you to do and speak the way they want you to.  Your life depends on this job.  Your boss knows this.  This boss knows you have a mortgage, family and you can’t quit no matter what.  This boss will sometimes yell at you and talk to you like you’re a powerless little child cause they know you won’t do shit.  This person owns your life.  The feeling like a slave part is not really from having to do something you don’t like but more so the feeling of always being scared of losing your job or getting in trouble if you’re not doing it good enough.

Holding you down is life’s way of making you their bitch.  The whole goal is to get someone stuck making payments for as long as possible or just stuck in general.  It guarantees slavery.  So many people are stuck with credit card debt that they will never pay off.  You can’t not pay otherwise the bookie will come break your credible legs.  I’m intrigued how credit card companies are always successful.  Their business model is based on people being irresponsible and people who go through hard times but mostly people who tell themselves,  “it will be ok, I’ll just put this car on my credit card.”

I kind of believe the people who rule this world conspire to make us slaves to a lifestyle and mindset.  All the advertisements, movies and media brainwash us into thinking we have to be a certain way and have certain things and then a few years later a different way and different things.  I guess that’s how the economy keeps running though.  No new shit no new money.  They need people to keep buying stuff so we keep working.  We have to be convinced that we should strive for a mortgage and family otherwise there will be no motivation to work so hard.  We need to have kids so there will be future slaves.   I don’t know, I just made some of this stuff up just now.  Seemed like I was on to something so I just rolled with it.

I feel like my job has started to enslave me.  When you stick around at a job long enough you get to a certain wage and comfort zone.  And that’s how they got me for now.  The system is designed to make you climb this ladder so that when you look down you’ll be too scared to go down.  You don’t want to have all those years you spent at this company for nothing.  You don’t want to go down in pay or lifestyle.  To tell you the truth I’m not very scared to lose my job.  I just don’t want to leave it for nothing or for less pay and equal passion/pain.

Who knows, I might just get really heroic or sick of my employment one day and terminate myself.   Seems kind of immature for a man in his 30’s to even think this but I just can’t help but think it’s somewhat possible.  I know I only have these thoughts cause of the absence of commitment in my life.  No mortgage, family, car payments, debts, friends to keep up with and lack of motivation for these things in the future.  These are usually the reasons why people want to keep their job so bad.

I hate thinking about working an unstimulating job for my whole life or for a very long time.  I really do.  I just don’t know what to do about it.  People are always like, “follow your heart” or “find something you like doing” or “that’s life.”  I don’t know man.   I just always think there’s something better out there for me.  I’m a dreamer, what can I say.

 

 

 

This is why many of us blog

I’m a religious listener of the Joe Rogan Podcast.  He says so many things that connect with me.  Listening to his podcast is more entertaining to me than TV or radio.  It’s not only entertaining but also hilarious, intriguing and educational.  Some of the guests he has on are pretty cool too.  You can listen or download his podcasts for free on itunes.  This is a short clip I cut out.

Seeing your old self

For the past couple years I’ve been doing some honest self analyzation and what I’ve realized would have made me cried in my 20’s.  I’ve thought about my actions, emotions and thoughts from the past and it makes me cringe.  At the time I was very easily able to justify my negative actions and feelings cause making sure I never felt bad about myself was the number one priority.

Looking back I’m kind of surprised how I had friends and how most people in general thought I was a pretty decent person even though I was such a negative individual.  I would become moody, hateful, egotistical very easily.  My expectations for people were too high.  Insecurity was always an issue I had to deal with.  Although, I never really dealt with it, instead I just covered it up.

I said I was surprised about how most people thought I was a decent person even with having the negative personality that I did but it makes sense cause now that I think about it, most people possessed the same negative traits so they tolerated it.  Well, maybe just the people I was around.

When I see or hear about people saying or doing something negative I understand more deeply what’s going on.  Before I would just say they were being an expletive expletive but now it makes more sense.  Now that I know why I used to act in certain ways I can see why other people do.  Now that I understand, it allows me to be less angry when people rub me the wrong way.

I think my biggest regret in life is that I wasn’t a more positive and better person for most of my past.  I did, said and thought things for the wrong reasons.  I lacked compassion.  I can go on and on.

These last 2 years have been an awakening.  Once you’re honest with yourself you can see what’s really going on in your head instead of what you want to believe.  Until you see the problem and realize it’s a problem it will never change.  The worst thing I’ve done is hurt the feelings of others and the best thing I’ve done is to not be afraid to hurt my own.

 

 

Motivation

This doesn’t exist much in my life.  I’m not sure how I feel about that.  I look all around me and there seems to be people motivated to always push further in life.  They’ll stop at nothing to get more money, real estate, relationship, kids, more money, new this new that, vacations and anything else that takes forever to pay off.

Outside of the materialistic goals there are other people who are motivated to get better at something like painting, instrument, crafts.  They want to achieve some kind of accomplishment whether it be painting a scene in every kind of lighting or folding the biggest paper crane known to mankind.  The one thing I’ve always been intrigued with is playing the guitar and it’s been 7 years of slackery which has not brought me much success.  I always tell myself just 30 minutes a day but when it comes time to do it I just stare at my guitar and stare back at the TV.

A lot of this lack of motivation stems from my lack of interest in commitment, lack of interest in conforming and being able to be complacent very easily.  Raised as an only child with not much parenting around, turned me into a professional loner who thought a lot.   This trains you to not really fear being alone or at least not as much as most people.  Being alone is part of my normal baseline.

The motivation that drives many people to do what they do is to fend off loneliness.  Guys want to make good money so a woman will want to be with them and also so that peers don’t alienate them.  They want to plan for being able to buy a house and have kids so that woman will stay with them.  The greatest fear is to be alone.  Having money often brings respect in this society and if people don’t respect you they won’t really want to be around you or if they have to be around you they’ll interact with you as little as possible for fear they might catch your disease.

My baseline contentment is being alone and financially poor or average.  It would really take something to get me out of my comfort zone to run a shitty rat race because of this.  Some people just dive into a mortgage or some other commitment to force the motivation.  I just can’t do that or don’t want to.  You can say I’m lazy, unmotivated, chickenshit but I think I’m more uninspired more than anything.

I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t want my life to improve in certain ways but I’m pretty lost on how to do this without engaging in a miserable lifestyle.  I’d love to be surrounded by a community of people that I enjoy being with.  It would be fantastic to make more money.  It would be even fantasticker to be waking up doing something I enjoy doing.  Hope I figure something out but if not I still have the possibility of winning the lottery.  1 in 14 million.  Shit, there’s a better chance of me getting 3 types of cancer and then get hit by a car on the same day.

 

 

Exercising The Mind

The mind is no different from anything else.  If you want it to get better, stronger, etc you have to work on it.  It’s true with everything else in life so why wouldn’t it be true with the mind?  Stronger muscles, learning an instrument, sports, you name it.  If you want to improve you have to keep working on getting better.

Getting in the routine of thinking negatively is so easy just like eating shitty food all day everyday, never getting off the couch to exercise, staring at the TV everyday, you get the idea.  I bet if you spent everyday constantly thinking positive thoughts, sooner or later it would bring you to a better state of mind.  The thing is though it’s so difficult to believe this will work and just as hard to practice it.

You can see the results of progress from other people when it comes to wealth, looks and anything visible to the eye.  You can’t really see the progression of happiness from someone and be able to measure it.  There’s no denying someone looks better, has a nicer car, has a significant other but seeing and believing someone’s happiness is not as easy.  We’ll often deny we see it just to make ourselves feel better about our unsatisfactory lives.

It’s the same with ourselves.  It’s really difficult to see and believe how much negative and positive thinking affects our mind.  You can’t make a progress chart, which often kills the motivation to continue thinking positive.  You also can’t make a progress chart on how negative thinking is affecting you so the negative thinking can continue without much thought.

Just like all other aspects of life you can put yourself in an environment to set yourself up for failure.  If you want to stay healthy you can’t hang out with gluttonous sloths all the time.  If you want to learn about sociology you don’t walk into a math class.  If you want to have a positive mind you don’t step into places where you have to constantly battle negativity.

To always think positive thoughts takes discipline and the belief that it will work.  You really have to stick with it like any other regimen.  Am I talking fairy tales here?  Feels like it sometimes. There’s just so much crap in life it sometimes feels impossible to get a positive break from it all.  I can get pretty negative sometimes.  It feels good to go on the path of mental self destruction sometimes.  Isn’t it a fairy tale though when it comes to most of your negative thoughts?

Feeding your mind positive nutrients instead of a routine of negativity.  It’s probably worth a shot.  It’s not easy but at least it’s free. Negative thoughts are like tasty junk foods.  It’s easy but hard to give up and it makes you feel bad.  Positive thoughts are like healthy foods.  Not much initial satisfaction but one day soon you will see and feel the benefits.  I think positive thinking is mostly a recent philosophy not really existent in hunter gatherer times.  Life is just so much more complicated and also more easy now that we need positive thinking to not go crazy.

I used to think positive thinking was just a method of tricking yourself to not be sad about your shitty life but now I kind of think whether sad or happy it’s all a trick anyway.  It’s all in the mind, right?  I’m going to try this positive thinking crap more often.  I hope you do too.  Like the Jehovah Witnesses say when you stump them on a question about their religion, “you just have to believe.”